Erin
“Erin…Erin…are you listening to me?” it was only a couple of days after the funeral and I was still feeling the crushing blow like an anvil on my chest.
“I’m sorry and it’s hard to concentrate with the last few days weighing on my mind. I don’t even know the reason why I’m here. I don’t want anything from her. I would give anything to have her back sitting here judging me with her eyes.” I was the only one in attendance for the reading of Grandma’s last will and testament.
“You’re not the only one feeling the loss. She was very important to the community and will be sorely missed. I don’t know what we’re going to do for Christmas. She was the one who always volunteered to put on the pageant. I hope somebody else stands up to take on the responsibility.” Frank Kirkland was my grandmother’s lawyer. She was always trying to set him up with me during Sunday dinners.
We had stolen a few moments upstairs in the main bathroom during those dinners. He might’ve had a little snow on the roof, but his experience more than made up for his age. He was an oral artist with the paintbrush of his tongue using my body as his canvas. One touch made my knees weak enough to collapse underneath me.
“She lived to the ripe age of 90. I remember on her 80th birthday how she volunteered at the soup kitchen. The kid with the knife had no idea who he was messing with. She convinced him to put it down without causing a scene. She was soft-spoken to the end.” In my opinion, grandma had already earned her wings before she stepped up to the gates of heaven.
“I admit to feeling a little guilty for what we did in her house underneath her nose. This is not the time or place to get into that. We are here to settle her estate which was rather large.” This took me by surprise. She lived modestly with whatever her late husband had left her on his deathbed.
“How much could we possibly be talking about? She was notorious for clipping coupons and using them to save a buck.” He was momentarily distracted by a phone call.
I felt it was rude of him to take any time away from what was going to become the last things said about my grandmother.
It had been a trying few days and I was sick and tired of people saying how sorry they were for my loss. It seemed so trite. I had been to a few funerals and I had gotten a taste of my own medicine. It didn’t taste very good.
Frank was giving me ideas about how to occupy my time. Lying down and putting my feet over his shoulders would have been a necessary distraction. I had the inane ability to find those guys personally suited to my needs. He had the right size to perfect my sword swallowing techniques.
“I apologize for the interruption, but my brother was in an accident. It’s nothing serious. He’s the type that gets a hangnail and screams he’s dying. I have to tell you there are times I feel a need to wash my hands of him. He has never worked a day in his life and is always looking for that quick fix.” I’d heard him tell me many times how his brother was the bane of his existence.
“I’m going to give you a nugget of wisdom from my grandmother. We can pick our friends, but we can’t pick our family. The love we have for them is unconditional although I have no reference.” I was an only child and I wondered what kind of woman I would be if I had siblings for that necessary support.
“She was an amazing woman and her legacy will live on through others. As I was saying, her estate is rather a hefty sum. I’m guessing she wasn’t forthright about her fortune.” The very word sounded foreign in my ears. She never projected wealth and wore hand me downs from the church.
“I can honestly say without a word of a lie I had no idea. I’m afraid to ask how much she was worth. I’ve never been about material things. I am tired of everything to do with money and capitalism. I live with what I need and not what I want.” I was curious and she was always quite secretive when she went to the bank to conduct her business.
“According to her wishes, most of her estate is earmarked for several charities. They will be notified personally by me. I’m reluctant to say this, but I have no choice. Perhaps, it would be best for you to read it in her words.” He passed me the portion highlighted for me to peruse.
My hands were shaking and Frank came around from his side of the desk to kneel in front of me. There were occasions where kneeling was appropriate. In church praying to a higher power was one of them. Proposing marriage was another and showing compassion was the last one I could remember.
“I hate him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s reprehensible to think that someone like her could be taken.” I was talking about God and his infinite wisdom to take her to be at his feet.
“I know it’s hard, but there are two things in life that is a constant for everyone. Death and taxes are two things nobody can run from. I know it’s cold comfort, but she’s at peace. I’m going to step out for a moment and give you the time you need to listen to her words closely.” His hand was touching my bare knee and sending an electrical charge through me. It would’ve been so easy to use him and then toss him away when I was done with him.
“I will call you when I’m done. A little solitude is a welcome respite from the revolving door of those people she touched. I hate to say it, but I’m tired of putting on a brave face. When do I have a chance to grieve?” He patted my shoulder reassuringly. I had a quick fix with his agile tongue forging a new path between my legs.
“I’ll make sure you are not disturbed. Take as long as you need. There is no rush and I can use the office across the hall.” He was dressed impeccably with his suit ironed to perfection.
There was something about the cut of the material making me want to touch him to reaffirm my faith in the goodness of others. I envisioned the orgasmic cry of satisfaction from a job well done. I sometimes felt ashamed about the way I behaved with no idea how my actions could affect others.
“I keep praying for some kind of sign. I do believe in spirits. I can feel her touching me when I’m at my lowest. She gives me strength to carry on.” He closed the door and I practically jumped out of my skin as if I was being sentenced to purgatory.
The document was in my hand and I forced myself to look at it with a tear threatening to escape the corner of my eye.
“Erin, I see the potential you are wasting by jumping into bed with the next available man. I’m not blind and I see you are suffering. I have set aside enough money to send you to a rehabilitation center in Costa Rica for however long it takes for you to get better. Get your life back together. There will be an undisclosed amount waiting for you on your return. I know you don’t want it, but I feel I need to protect you. This life is all we get. Make the most out of it.” Her words stung. I had no idea she knew of my sex addiction. I should have known there was nothing I could hide from her.
I sat there remembering the good times and smiling with those memories imprinted in my mind. I actually found myself laughing and crying. It was cathartic and necessary to reach the acceptance stage of my grief.
I called Frank back in and he came in with airplane tickets in first class. I was going to find out how the other half lived by no fault of my own.
“In my opinion, you don’t have to change for anyone including your grandmother. I’ve never seen anything wrong with your desire to spread your wings creatively in the bedroom. I will be here waiting for you when you get back. I…ahem…mean with a check with your name on it.” He wasn’t a master spy who could turn off his feelings with a flick of a switch.
“I have had some unfortunate encounters. Looking back makes it easier to see things without the blinders. I mistakenly thought I was a little loose with my affections. I have thought in the back of my mind something was wrong. There are some regrets running around in circles in my head.” I had to do this for my grandmother and it had nothing to do with the money.
Depending on the amount, I was contemplating giving it all to the less fortunate. I would keep only what I needed with the necessary calculations to have something for a rainy day.
“I don’t think it’s fair of anybody to make someone look in the mirror unless they’re willing to do the same thing. Everybody has something they want to change and would give anything to go back to make things right.” I could see that he was on the edge of saying something of a confession.
“Frank, I don’t know what is going to happen to me when I return. I feel I need one last fling to get it out of my system. I would gladly give your desk a good polishing with my bare ass. I know you would happily lock the door and give me a good tongue lashing.” I didn’t mean to tease him. I could see the bulge of his arousal making a tent in his trousers.
“It’s a good thing I’m a lawyer. I have been taught to read between the lines and you are screaming for me to refuse your request. I’m probably going to be kicking myself, but I regrettably decline. Your plane leaves in 3-hours and you have to be there 2-hours before takeoff. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” His friendship was important and I didn’t want to lose it. I was afraid the only reason why we were together was the wild and untamed sex.
“I’m going to give you one last chance to change your mind before I walk out that door. I don’t need any more than 20-minutes. You know that from personal experience. You might even be able to get me there quicker.” I was a firecracker ready to go off. I needed the right person to light my fuse.
“I really want to and you have no idea how much it pains me not to. I have never found any woman in your league. I would go with you, but that would be counterproductive. A little vacation from the rest of the world won’t do you any harm. I will always be your shelter. I sometimes feel like I’m walking on burning coals when you look at me with that spark of a fire in your eyes.” He was only making my point for me. I could’ve pursued this avenue of questioning until we were setting our bodies ablaze.
“You’re not fireproof and neither am I. I will leave you with this reminder of what you turned down. I hope you know catching fire and getting hotter with your tongue inside me will never be too far away from my thoughts.” I bent over, letting the skirt ride up to where he could see the cheeks of my ass. I heard him sigh with resignation.
I closed the door to hear his footsteps approaching quickly. The sound of his head banging against it gave my heart this flicker of recognition for how hard this was on him literally and figuratively. He was my friend and the rest was the gravy on the mashed potatoes.