Chapter 17
Fiona
I woke up in my own bed the next morning with a heavy weight pressing down on me. I didn’t feel like I could face the day. I had dreamed about him. My whole night had been filled with images of him. Memories of the time we had spent that had made me feel warm and fuzzy with happiness. And dreams where he didn’t know who I was and no matter how long I fought, he didn’t care to get to know me again. He didn’t want me. I knew they were only dreams, but I felt horrible. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry.
It was a big mess. Laird didn’t know who I was. He had lost a little less than a year, which wasn’t a lot when it came to memory loss, Dr. Osmond had told me. Some patients can’t even remember who they are. But he didn’t know me, and that made it the worst possible thing that could have happened.
We had only spent two weekends together. Of course, I would be the first one he would forget. Why would he remember me? Before the accident, when I had told him about the baby, he had been serious about making it work between us. But ultimately, all we had had until now was a lot of good sex. We hadn’t gotten to know each other in a way that made me memorable to him. He had said he was in love with me but love itself? It was only susceptible to what he remembered.
And he didn’t remember me at all.
Tears welled up in my eyes, but I forced them away. I was sick of crying. I had cried so much since I had heard that Laird had been in an accident.
I put my hand on my belly. A baby grew inside of me. Our baby. And Laird didn’t know. It had been hard enough telling him when he had known who I was and what we had done. It would be impossible to tell him now. I was barely three weeks along.
What was I going to do? Was I going to wait for him to remember? That could take a long time. If it ever happened. What if I waited for him forever and nothing happened? I didn’t know if I had what that took, to hold out hope for something that would never come.
But the flipside was to move on with my life, to be a single mother, to forget about Laird and do what was right for the baby and me. I was keeping the baby, now more than ever. If he never remembered me and we never ended up together, I would at least have a piece of Laird to keep with me, always. But I was terrified. He had said we would make a go of it, and I had been happy to try together. A child needed two parents.
I didn’t know if I could do it alone.
I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower where I stood under scalding hot water until it ran out. When I stepped out of the shower, the entire bathroom was fogged up and I had to wipe down the mirror to see myself. My eyes were dull, and I didn’t want to make an effort. I didn’t want to dress up and step out into the world.
But if Laird never remembered me, this was my life. I had to make a go of it now or I never would.
I dried and styled my hair, applied makeup, dressed. I ate breakfast, and I made my way to work, going through my entire routine on autopilot.
When I was in the office, it was hard to get to work. I struggled to focus on what needed to be done.
Charlene called me in at lunchtime.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
Was it that obvious that something was wrong? I had hoped I’d been putting on a face in front of the others.
“I’m worried,” I said. I hesitated before I added, “a friend of mine was in a bad accident.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Charlene said. “I hope this won’t affect your work. I’m not usually a slave driver, but with you working remotely starting next week, I really need your all this week.”
I nodded, but I wanted to cry again. I didn’t know if I would still be working remotely anymore. I didn’t know if anything would change for me now that Laird didn’t know who I was.
But I didn’t tell Charlene that. I was still holding out hope. I was still waiting for a miracle. I didn’t think it was going to happen, but I needed to hold onto something. To tell Charlene now that I wasn’t going to happen anymore was admitting defeat, and I wasn’t ready for that, yet.
“It won’t affect my work,” I said, reassuring Charlene. “I’ll push this week to make sure everything you need is taken care of.”
“Thank you,” Charlene said. “I am sorry to hear you’re going through a tough time.”
If only she knew. I didn’t get the feeling she was worried about me, more about the workload. But the company was Charlene’s concern, and I understood it.
When I returned to my office, Jamie was there waiting for me. She looked concerned, and her worry was welcome. Charlene had been worried about my work, but I knew Jamie was concerned about me as her friend.
“What happened?” she asked. “Did he dump you?”
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it now if you don’t mind,” I said. I was on the verge of tears and if I broke down now, I wouldn’t be able to get through the rest of the day.
Jamie pulled me into a hug. “I’m here whenever you need me. Just shout.”
I nodded, letting Jamie hug me for a while. Finally, she let go and left my office, getting back to work. I had to do the same.
Somehow, I made it through the day. I was like a zombie, pushing through my work, but I managed to get it all done, and I left the office not much later than usual. I was grateful that Randy hadn’t decided to stop by. I wouldn’t have had what it took to deal with him on top of everything else.
When I sat in my car, I connected my phone to the Bluetooth system and scrolled down to Jackson’s number. I wanted to go see Laird, but I didn’t know if I had the energy to see a man who didn’t know who I was when I had fallen for him. We had had a future together that he knew nothing about. It was hard enough to deal with this without being reminded.
But I wanted to go in case he did remember. What if by being there I would help him remember who I was?
I pressed call on Jackson’s number and waited for him to answer. It took so long I was worried I would get his voicemail, but finally, he answered.
“It’s Fiona,” I said. “How is he doing?”
“Very much the same,” Jackson said. My heart sank. “The pain medication knocks him pretty hard.”
“Has he remembered anything?”
“Nothing, yet,” Jackson said carefully. We were both dancing around the real question, the question if he remembered me.
“Thank you,” I said. “Is it alright if I check in with you again tomorrow? I don’t want to be a nuisance.”
“Not at all, you’re more than welcome to,” Jackson said with a gentle voice. I nodded, feeling like I was going to cry again. With a voice that sounded a lot steadier than I felt, I said good night and hung up.
I wasn’t going to go through to the hospital to see Laird if he was still on heavy medication. I needed to take the time to come to terms with what had happened and to figure out how the hell I was going to get through this and move on with my life. With or without Laird.
When I arrived home, I didn’t bother making dinner. I had lost my appetite. I changed into pajamas and crawled into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin. In the dark, alone in my bed, with the weight of the world on my shoulders and the knowledge that I had been forgotten like a knife in my ribs, I let myself fall apart.