Chapter Six
Elizabeth – Three Years Later
I stayed numb for a long time. For weeks, for months, even for years. I felt like a zombie, barely in control of myself, barely able to make even the most basic of decisions. By some miracle, I finished my sophomore year in one piece – looking back, I’m pretty sure that the school took pity on me because of Monica.
I looked for the coven almost every day. I spent countless hours in the woods, searching for Henrik, Ligeia, Monica, or any trace of the other witches. But despite all of my heartache and sadness, I never found it again. I never found anything even resembling the clearing.
Sometimes, I wondered if everything had been a weird dream.
Steven and I stayed together. He graduated from high school and then went to college in Vermont, where David had been planning to go. That was my only consolation – David wasn’t there now, no one had heard from him in years – but sometimes when I went to visit Steven, I’d look at the buildings and wonder what David thought when he saw the same places.
When I graduated, I joined Steven there. My mom was thrilled – every time I called home, she’d make jokes about wedding bells. Even after leaving Jaffrey, I still felt the fog of the past clinging to me with each and every passing second of time.
But little did I know, things were about to change.
“I just don’t see why you have to go for a whole semester,” Steven said. He narrowed his eyes and pulled the glossy brochure from my hands. “Or why you couldn’t have done it last year, when I was still eligible?”
“Because the U doesn’t let freshmen study abroad,” I said crossly. “And you know I’ve always wanted to do this. I’ve talked about it for years, even back in high school.”
“Well, what if we just took a trip together? Like a vacation, we could go for a couple of weeks over the January term?”
“Steven, that’s a totally different thing,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, yeah, that would be great. And you can come visit! But I really, really want this. Please don’t make me choose,” I added.
“I just want to know that you’re committed to me,” Steven said. His eyes lit up. “We could get married! They probably have housing for married students.”
My heart sank. “Steven, I’m only nineteen,” I said softly. “I…I’m not really ready for that big of a step yet.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “This is just a little space. Lots of people do it. Kurt and Brittany did it last year,” I added. “And he’s your best friend! And they’re still fine!”
“You’re my best friend,” Steven said stubbornly. “And they took a ‘break’ while she was in France, and I know for a fact that they both slept with other people.”
“Well, I don’t really see how that’s bad,” I said slowly. “They’re fine now.”
Steven looked aghast. “Elizabeth, how can you say something like that? You’re mine,” he growled. “And I don’t want you going off like that without me!”
“We can talk every day,” I said, shaking my head in exasperation. Standing up from the bed, I walked over to the window. “I promise, and we can text all the time.”
Steven sighed. “I just don’t like it,” he said stubbornly. “And I don’t understand why you have this sudden need for space,” he added in a derisive voice. “Is this some bullshit about finding yourself? Do you just want to go so you can sleep with every guy in sight and get drunk every night?”
“Ouch,” I said. “God, is that really what you think of me?”
Steven glared. “I don’t know what to think,” he said sourly. “It’s like, you’re this whole new person just because you want to go to England for a year.”
“For a semester,” I corrected. “That’s less than six months! We’ve been together four years, Steven! That’s nothing!”
Steven crossed his arms over his chest and stuck out his lower lip. I rolled my eyes – sitting there on my narrow dorm bed, he looked like a sullen child.
“Don’t do this,” I said. “Come on, it’s not a good look. You know I don’t want anyone else, Steven. I just want you, okay? But I want to travel, too – and this is a really good opportunity. I already got a scholarship, and my parents hardly have to pay for anything.”
"I think you're just using it as an excuse," Steven said angrily. He stood up and began pacing back and forth, stomping like an angry kid.
“I’m not!” I protested. “You’re not even listening to me. I mean, come on – didn’t you think about how cool it would be to study abroad? Meet people from other parts of the world? Get to explore an old city?”
“I never wanted to be away from you,” Steven said hotly. He crossed the room in one giant stride and took my hands, pulling me close. “I always wanted to be with you, Elizabeth.”
My shoulders sagged. “Steven…please don’t make me do this,” I whispered. “Please don’t make me hate you.”
“How could I do that,” Steven said tenderly, leaning down and kissing my forehead. I resisted the urge to push him away. “I love you, Elizabeth.”
“I love you, too,” I said. Although I don’t really feel like it right now, I thought angrily. Controlling bastard.
“How about this,” Steven said. “You go for a shorter time, and when you get back, we move in together? Does that sound good?”
“I still have two more years of school,” I said. “I…don’t feel ready for that yet.”
“When then what do you fucking feel ready for, Elizabeth,” Steven asked angrily. “Because I get the sense you don’t give a shit about me!”
“I’m ready to stay in a relationship with you,” I said firmly. “And I’m ready to go to England for a semester, and study there, and continue being in a relationship with you.”
Steven rolled his eyes. “So nothing,” he said. “I mean, right? We don’t want the same things.”
“You’re two years older,” I said softly. “Give me time, Steven. I’ll get there. I know I will, okay?”
Steven didn’t reply.
“If you make me choose between this and our relationship, Steven, I’m going to resent you,” I said softly. “And I don’t want to do that, but I need you to cut me a little slack. I’m going, but I promise, we’ll Skype every night, okay? I’ll never be out of touch for too long. And I don’t want to take a break.”
“And when you come back, we’ll talk about moving in together?”
I bit my lip. “I’ll think about it,” I said slowly. “That’s…that’s all I can promise right now, Steven.”
Steven rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” he said dismissively. “Have fun in London, Liz.”
He stomped to the doorway and threw the door open, slamming it shut behind him.
I knew I should chase after him, cry, say that I was sorry.
But I wasn’t sorry – if anything, I felt more alive and awake than I’d felt in years.
--
Classes at Oxford started a few days after classes at the U. Steven told me he wanted me to stay on campus with him, but I declined. Instead, I packed up my stuff and drove home to spend a few days with my parents. I hadn’t really been back since I’d left for college the year before – most holidays I spent with Steven’s family, outside of Jaffrey.
It was strange to acknowledge how free I felt as I drove south, my favorite playlist blaring from the speakers of my car. Maybe this is the start of something new, I thought as I coasted into Jaffrey at the end of the afternoon. Maybe Steven will be less controlling now, maybe he’ll get used to some space.
The truth was, our relationship hadn’t been doing well lately. I hadn’t told anyone – it felt weird talking about my personal life with friends – and everyone still thought of us as the perfect couple. But Steven had been even moodier and more suffocating than usual. His best friend, Kurt, had recently moved in with his girlfriend and despite the fact that they were both two years older than me, Steven had begun treating it as some kind of competition.
I was desperate to live on my own, at least for now. Sharing a room with three other girls my freshman year had been a terrible adventure…I wasn’t looking forward to doing that again, at least, not so soon. My mom seemed confused that I wasn’t chomping at the bit to move in with Steven, but at least she never said anything too rude about it.
I wondered how many people thought I was a total idiot for not committing to him with every fiber of my being. As much as I wanted to think it didn’t matter, I knew it did. It mattered to Steven, and unless I came around, I had a feeling our fights would get even worse.
Being back in Jaffrey gave me chills. As I pulled into the driveway, I looked around, half-expecting to see the ghosts of my past floating out of the woods and threatening to haunt me forever. But my parents’ house looked just the same as always: lawn neatly trimmed, clean-yet-cluttered interior.
It even smelled the same.
“Mom?” I called. “I’m home.”
There was no answer. Frowning, I left my bags in the foyer as I walked into the kitchen.
“Hey.”
The rough, scratchy voice made me jump. Whirling around, I saw my brother, Aidan, and gasped.
“You look so different!”
Aidan laughed. He was finally taller than me – by at least a head and a half – and he stood there, smirking and shaking his head. There was a hint of dark scuff on his cheeks and neck and his Adam’s apple protruded from his throat.
“Yeah,” Aidan said. He pulled me into a hug and I was surprised to feel the strength of his arms around me. “I’m all grown up, I guess. You look the same, though.”
“No shit,” I said, pulling away and reaching to ruffle his hair. Aidan ducked and we both burst out laughing.
“Mom’s out, doing something,” Aidan said. He wrinkled his nose. “She wanted me to stay home because there’s something in the oven. God, I’m starving,” he added. “You hungry?”
I shrugged. “Not really.”
Aidan pulled a huge container of fruit out of the fridge and made himself a plate, complete with a sandwich and three dill pickles.
“God, that’s a lot of food.”
Aidan raised an eyebrow. “You should hear Mom and Dad,” he said, wolfing down a huge bite of pear. “They keep talking about how they wish I was a girl, cause you barely ate when you were in high school.”
“That’s what they get for having more than one kid,” I said with a smirk. “How are things around here, really?”
Aidan shrugged. “The same, I guess,” he said. “I mean, it’s weird.” He cleared his throat and wiped his mouth with a napkin before leaning back in his chair. “I guess I never really noticed when I was younger, but I dunno…” He trailed off, his cheeks turning pink.
I narrowed my eyes. “What? What do you mean by that, exactly?”
Aidan shrugged again. “Nothing, it’s just…I don’t know, there’s kind of a weird energy around here,” he added, wrinkling his nose. “I know that makes me sound queer, but it’s like, you can’t ignore it.”
“Has anything happened at school? Like, has anyone disappeared? Or died? Or gotten hurt in a really weird way?”
Aidan took the last half of his sandwich and devoured it whole, chewing thoughtfully.
“Yeah,” Aidan said. “I mean, no one died, or disappeared, or anything. But like, this one class that started – it wasn’t there when you were still in high school – about how to navigate in the woods and make trails and shit, well, they all got lost in the woods for a couple of days. They were okay, but like, none of them would talk about it afterwards. I think it was probably scary or some shit.”
My heart jumped into my throat.
“Which woods?”
“The woods behind Monica’s old house,” Aidan said. He bit into a banana, eating half of it in one bite. “Her parents aren’t there anymore,” he added. “They moved a couple of years back.”
“Oh.”
It was all I could say.
“Anyway, England, huh? That’s cool,” Aidan said. “You excited?”
I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. “I am.”
“Lucky,” Aidan said. He yawned, stretching his hands high up in the air. “Nothing exciting ever happens around here. I’d kill to go to England.”
I licked my lips. Yeah, I thought, staring at my baby brother and wondering just how much evil was still lurking in Jaffrey. You’re lucky, you don’t know the half of it.
That night, I went for a walk in the woods, hoping to find the coven. But the woods remained elusive, and when the sun was starting to peek over the horizon, I knew I didn’t have a choice.
---
The next morning, Mom drove me to Logan airport. She hugged me for a long time and stared at me critically, narrowing her eyes.
“I hope you’ll email me every now and then,” Mom said. I could tell she was trying to a light tone but she sounded like a woman sending her own daughter off to the slaughter. “I’ll miss you, honey.”
“I’ll write every week,” I said. “Well, I’ll try.”
“You have your passport? And your money to get exchanged?”
I nodded.
“And you called your bank, and said you’re going to be in England for six months, and that they shouldn’t authorize any U.S. purchases?”
“Yes,” I said. I looked down. “Mom, I love you, but I have to go – there’s a huge line by security, and I don’t want to miss my flight.”
My mom nodded. “You really are grown up, sweetie.” She pulled me into a hug. “I’m proud of you. You know, you can always come back if you don’t like it.”
“I think I’ll be okay,” I said, trying hard not to sound too excited to be fleeing. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, sweetie.” Mom kissed me on the cheek. “You be safe, okay?”
“I will.”
Mom gave me one last hug and then I wrestled my two huge suitcases inside. The line to check in for United flights was trailing back, almost to the doors, and I groaned as I realized I was going to be standing for a long time. Fortunately, as soon as I was there, the line started moving almost instantly. I barely had time to wrestle my passport and driver’s license from my wallet when it was my turn to check in.
After I got through security, I bought myself a pretzel and settled into a chair by the gate. To my immense irritation, I saw that I had fourteen messages – all from Steven.
“Good morning, babe. Have fun with your mom on the way to the airport!”
“Hey babe, miss you already. Kurt says hi.”
“Hey, Elizabeth, you okay?”
“Elizabeth, are you getting these messages?”
“Are you at the airport?”
“When is your flight, can I have the flight number? I already forgot?”
“Elizabeth, I’m really worried. I’m calling your house.”
“Okay, your brother said your mom just got home, so where are you?”
“Elizabeth, where are you?”
“Babe, please, answer me – are you mad at me?”
“Because if you’re mad, I’m really sorry!”
“Elizabeth, answer your phone!”
“I’m sorry just please answer me I miss you so much.”
“Elizabeth what the fuck”
I rolled my eyes and texted him back: “Hey, sorry! Phone was off. Getting on the plane now, I’ll text you when I land!”
I powered my phone off and slipped it into my pocket. Part of me was almost paranoid that he’d do something crazy, like show up at the airport with a huge bouquet, a flash mob, and a proposal. It scared me so much that I kept twisting around in my seat and making sure that there weren’t any guys with dirty blonde hair in sight.
But thankfully, nothing like that happened.
The flight was long – longer than I’d ever been on a plane before. As we sped towards takeoff, I gripped both armrests of my seat with white-knuckled hands. I’d flown a few times before, and I’d never liked it, it had always terrified me.
But seven hours later, I touched down at Heathrow miraculously unscathed. From the airport, I caught a train to Oxford and spent an hour and a half gazing out at the beautiful English countryside. It looks like Vermont, I thought as the train whizzed by small town after small town. Imagine going halfway around the world and finding a place that looks just like where you’ve come from.
I was going to be sharing a flat with two other students from abroad, but neither of them had arrived by the time I picked up the keys and carried my bags up five flights of rickety, narrow steps. I claimed the biggest room, the one with a double bed, and decided to lie down.
When I woke up, it was after dark. I was starving, and the pantry was completely empty. I had another twenty-five messages from Steven – this time, I texted back and said that I was fine, but that I didn’t have great cell reception – and then looked up a few nearby pubs. There was one only a few minutes from the flat, so I took a shower and changed into fresh jeans and a black shirt.
The pub was crowded, full of college kids by the time I got there. I loved the mix of accents – something about British accents always sounded so educated to me – and I could barely order a beer and a burger for myself without blushing at the cute bartender. I half expected some of the kids in there to start talking to me, but no one did.
Happy, Steven, I thought as I looked around, chewing thoughtfully on a French fry. Everyone’s ignoring me – you must’ve sent some kind of memo to the students of Oxford before I even got here.
“Elizabeth?”
My jaw dropped and a half-chewed fry fell from my mouth into my lap. My cheeks flushed hot red as I spun around on the bar stool and saw David, standing there with a shocked look on his face.
“David?” God, what a stupid thing to say! Of course, it’s David. Real smart, Elizabeth.
David smiled weakly. He looked older – there was a line of dark stubble on his pale face, but he was still dressed in black with long dark hair flopping in his eyes.
“Yeah,” David said. “I thought that was you.” He shook his head and stepped closer. Both of the stools next to me were taken, so he stood next to my knees, staring into my eyes.
“I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I heard you say my name,” I said softly, pushing my plate to the side. My appetite had completely vanished – now my stomach was a twisting, churning mess of anxiety.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m studying at Oxford for the semester. I got a scholarship, and I really wanted to go abroad…so here I am, I guess,” I said, feeling lame. “You?”
David ran a hand through his dark hair and sighed. It was strange – he couldn’t take his eyes off me, but there was something strange, almost hesitant about him.
“I graduated high school early and moved to London, went to King’s College and now I’m here.”
“Are you…?”
“Research. I’m in astrophysics.”
I nodded. “That’s cool,” I said slowly. Somehow, being with David again was making me feel as awkward as I’d been as a teenager. “So, I mean, how are you?”
David shrugged. “I’m okay,” he said. “I haven’t gone back to the States since I left. I don’t really know that I will. I like it here.” He snickered. “Everyone’s so cynical, I feel right at home.”
The person next to me left and David perched on the stool, hooking his long legs around it and leaning over the bar, as sensual as a cat.
“You want a beer?” I pointed to my empty glass.
David nodded. He flagged down the bartender and ordered for both of us, paying before I could even pull my wallet out of my jeans.
We drank in mostly silence. I couldn’t get over seeing him, in person, after so long. He was different – less sullen – but his spirit was so familiar that it almost hurt. I felt like there was nothing I could say –every word, every phrase sounded so lame in my head that I barely opened my mouth. David didn’t try to talk much, either. By the time my second glass was empty, I was starting to feel tipsy and uncomfortable.
David got to his feet and stretched. “It was good to see you,” he said. “Maybe we’ll bump into each other sometime. I come here a lot.”
Without thinking about what I was doing, I scribbled my number on a napkin. “Here,” I said. “Call me sometime, I don’t know anyone here.”
David gave me an amused smile. “You’ll make friends, Elizabeth – you’ll be in a program with tons of other people just like you. I mean, not just like you,” he added quickly. “But you know, in the same situation.”
I nodded. “I know,” I said. “But it might be nice to see an old friend sometime.”
“Is that what we are?”
I shrugged and tried to smile. “I guess,” I said. “I mean, I think so.”
David nodded. “Yeah, okay,” he said. He slipped the napkin into his pocket and my heart sank – I was sure that he was just being polite. He leaned into give me a one-armed hug, then nodded his head and left the pub.
After David had gone, I felt stupid sitting there by myself. This was a dumb idea, anyway, I thought as I paid for my burger and slid off the stool. I was stupid to think I could just go out and make friends by sitting alone.
When I got back to my flat, the other two girls were unpacking in their room. One of them was on the phone – she had someone on speaker – and she was shouting in French. I rolled my eyes. Yeah, I thought as I slipped into my room and shut the door. Definitely going to make friends with people in the same situation as me.
I pulled out my laptop and got ready to write an email to my mom. Not that there was much to say, but I honestly couldn’t deal with the prospect of calling Steven. Still, I knew I should check my messages. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I turned it on and waited for the inevitable notifications to fill my screen like angry darts.
To my surprise, my phone started buzzing right away with a British number.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Elizabeth, it’s David. Where are you staying?”
My heart skipped a beat as I gave him the address.
“Want me to come over? I just got a bottle of this great wine, you’ll really like it.”
“Yeah,” I said softly. “That would be great.”
Ten minutes later, I met David at the door. Holding my hand up to my mouth, I gestured for him to be quiet. David nodded and followed me inside, slinking down the dark hallway like a cat. When his arm brushed against mine, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
My flatmates were still hiding in their own rooms, doors shut, lights out. I knew that I should be tired – aside from my nap, I’d been awake for almost thirty-six hours.
But seeing David again was making me feel anxious and jittery, like I’d just drank three cups of espresso.
“Nice,” David said quietly, running his hand along the inside of the door frame.
I forced a laugh. “Yeah,” I said. “I was kinda worried – I didn’t see many pictures of this place before I got here.”
David sat down on the edge of my bed and produced a bottle of wine from his backpack. He raised an eyebrow at me as he propped the bottle between his thighs and unscrewed the cork.
“I’ll go get glasses,” I said nervously. To be honest, I was glad for a distraction. I thought David would follow me from my bedroom to the kitchen, but when I got back, he was lying down and staring at the ceiling.
David smirked when he saw me. “Elizabeth, relax.”
“Sorry,” I said, stepping forward and sitting down gingerly at the edge of the bed. The mattress was an old one – it was hard not to sink back towards David, and after a few seconds, I moved to the desk.
David poured two glasses to the brim, then carefully handed it over.
“I didn’t sleep for a week when I first got here,” David said, running a hand through his black hair.
“Jet lag?”
David shook his head. “Not exactly. More like…amazement. I couldn’t believe that I was really here, that I’d gotten out of the States for good.”
I nodded. “It feels surreal,” I said. “I’m here, and I don’t feel any different. But everything’s different now.”
David nodded. He reached forward and we clinked glasses.
“You were right,” I said. “This is good.”
David nodded. “Not exactly known for their wine, I know, but there’s a little vineyard around here. I’m friends with some of the people who work there.”
I licked my lips nervously and took another long sip. The wine was fruity and almost smoky. It wasn’t round, like a California wine, but it seemed to be imbued somehow with the melancholy of England.
“It’s different,” David added. “But it’s grown on me.”
For a moment, we sat in silence. The question was tearing me apart inside, but I couldn’t even think of how to ask.
Finally, I knew that I had to get it out and over with.
“Do you ever think about Monica?”
David cocked his head to the side and gave me an odd look. “Yes. All the time.”
“I miss her,” I said. I shivered and set my glass down, wrapping my arms around my body. “No one ever talks about her anymore.”
David shrugged. “It hasn’t been that long,” he said.
“It feels like a lifetime.”
“Maybe to you,” David said. He drained half his glass at once. “But as soon as I left Vermont…I don’t know,” he added, shaking his head. “Something changed.”
I frowned. “How? What do you mean?”
“Hard to explain,” David said dryly. “I miss her. But there’s something inside of me, almost like a tangible object…and it’s not time for me to move on yet.”
Desperate for something to do with my hands, I grabbed my glass and took a long swallow. The wine burned my throat on the way down but I kept drinking, suddenly hungry for that hot, bleary sensation that told me I was well on my way to getting drunk.
“Things never went back to normal,” I said softly. “After she died, I mean.”
David raised an eyebrow. “So you believe it, then? You think she died?”
“It feels crazy to say that I feel like she’s still alive,” I said. “I don’t know, David. I miss her. But I had to get on with my life.”
“I wish I felt the same way,” David said. He peered at me intently. “Seeing you, though…”
“What?” I flushed.
“Eh, nothing.”
“Oh, god, don’t do that,” I said, shaking my head and draining my glass. “Tell me.”
David smiled – a faint curl of his lips. Someone who hadn’t met him before wouldn’t have even seen it but somehow, I knew. Somehow over the years, I’d learned to read him.
“Seeing you almost makes me feel like pushing past it,” David said. He sat up and refilled his glass. When I handed mine over, he did the same thing for me without being asked. We clinked and drank in silence.
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” David said. “It’s crazy. I hadn’t thought about you in years…and here you are.”
Something warm and fluttery inside of my chest twisted at the sound of his words, at the sound of his voice when he said ‘you.’
“Here I am,” I said quietly. Suddenly, the idea was almost comical to me. I’d flown halfway around the world to escape one man in my life. I giggled, flushing hotly when David gave me a skeptical look.
“I somehow should’ve guessed you have a low tolerance,” David said dryly. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
“No, it’s not that,” I said. I licked my lips. “I’m glad you called, David.”
Just then, a new thought – a darker thought – sprang into my mind. She can’t be dead, I realized as I stared down into my glass of crimson wine. She’s still alive – somewhere – because otherwise, her spells would have faded. David said he feels like he can’t move on. I glanced down at my phone, willing the screen to be empty. My heart sank when I saw the fifteen notifications from Steven D’Amico.
“You got serious all of a sudden,” David said. He frowned. “What’s wrong? I was kidding,” he added. “I’m glad I called, too.”
My heart was thudding in my chest as I stood up and walked over to the bed. When I sat next to David, the mattress shifted and rolled and suddenly I was pressed up against him.
“Elizabeth?” David looked at me for a second. I shivered – the look in his dark eyes made me feel exposed.
“I think this happened for a reason,” I said softly. “I…I can’t believe we would’ve found each other like this if something wasn’t supposed to happen.”
David didn’t reply, but he put an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to his lean body. When I felt his fingers skimming along the back of my neck, I closed my eyes and sighed softly.
“What do you think,” I asked softly. “I…I can’t read your mind, David.”
David set his wine glass down and shifted on the bed, facing me. The mattress lurched again and I fell against his chest, bracing my hands on his body. We stared at each other, not speaking. Then David reached up and stroked my cheek, cupping my chin.
“I’ve thought about you for a long time,” I said quietly. My cheeks flamed and I desperately wanted to look away but I couldn’t tear my eyes free from David’s gaze.
“Elizabeth…”
I leaned in and closed my eyes, putting my mouth close to David’s. I could smell him – the dark, musky scent of his body and whatever cologne he wore, and the smoky blend of wine.
“I have to break up with Steven.”
David’s hands on my shoulders were firm, but gentle as he pushed me away.
“I can’t do this, Elizabeth,” David said, climbing off the bed and getting to his feet.
My heart sank as I watched him sling his pack over his shoulder.
“No, please, don’t go,” I said quickly.
David shook his head. “If you’re still with that guy, I’m not staying,” he said. “I’m not going to sneak around like this, Elizabeth.” He gave me a long, hard look. “I really like you, but I’m not gonna sit around and wait for you to make up your mind about me.”
I closed my eyes and sighed as David left, closing the door quietly behind him. Part of me wanted to run after him, but I knew he was right. Before, back when we were kids, things had been different.
So why did I still want him so much?
I barely slept that night. I kept dreaming of men – David, Steven, some horrible combination of the two of them. When I woke up, Steven’s angry face was clinging to my mind as fiercely as if the image had been burnt to my brain.
I knew I should be nervous. But in that moment, reaching for my phone and settling back against the pillows, I felt nothing but cool, collected serenity washing over me.
Steven answered on the first ring.
“Elizabeth, what the hell is going on,” Steven demanded loudly. Wincing, I pulled the phone away from my face as his voice grew louder and louder. “I was so fucking worried about you! Do you know it’s been almost twenty-four hours since I heard from you? I was about to call the goddamned police,” he snapped. “Why would you do that to me?”
I sighed. “Steven, this isn’t working.”
“No shit,” Steven said angrily. “This nothing like what we agreed on, Elizabeth! How the fuck am I supposed to support my girlfriend if she won’t even talk to me?”
A twinge of anxiety sparked in my chest and I took a deep breath. “No, not this trip,” I said slowly. “Us. We’re not working, Steven. I can’t do this – I can’t be here and give you what you want.”
“I knew this would happen,” Steven growled. “I knew you just wanted an excuse to be away from me.”
I bit my lip.
“Elizabeth, tell me,” Steven demanded loudly. “Be honest.”
“You know what?” I said, not even thinking of the words as they tumbled from my mouth. “I did come here to get away from you. I’ve been trying to get away from you for years,” I added, shaking my head.
“Elizabeth, I—“
“Don’t,” I said. “We need to take a break, Steven. I need to be here on my own and figure some things out.”
“That’s bullshit,” Steven snapped. “You just want to have it both ways!”
“No,” I said. “I don’t. I want to break up, Steven.”
“You’re being crazy,” Steven said. The derisive edge in his voice made me roll my eyes. “You’re throwing away a really good relationship just because you’re selfish!”
“Me, selfish?” I said incredulously, shaking my head. “That’s the farthest thing from the truth! All I want to do is maintain my own life, Steven. And you’re not happy with that – you won’t be happy unless we’re completely merged!”
“Because that’s how relationships are supposed to be,” Steven growled angrily. “We’re supposed to want each other all the time, Elizabeth. And that’s how I feel about you – that’s how much I want you!”
“Steven, I can’t do this,” I said. “I need some time.”
“Do I need to fly over there and bring you home? Christ, Elizabeth! I don’t know what’s going on but you’re completely losing your mind.”
Tears of anger and defiance pricked my eyes and I blinked them back. “No, Steven,” I said coldly. “You can do whatever you want, but I’m not coming home until the end of the semester.”
“Elizabeth, I love you. Come on, please don’t do this. I can’t live without you, I feel like I’m losing my mind!”
For a moment, I felt guilt burning me. But then I took a deep breath and shook my head.
“We’re breaking up until I get back from England,” I said. “And then we can decide what we want to do, but you’re not going to bully me into staying with you.”
Steven didn’t reply. I wondered if I should say something else, then I heard the buzz of a dial tone in my ear.
“Fine,” I said into the dead space. “Bye, Steven.”