The following evening, Anna put on her dress for the New Year’s party, or parties as they had two to go to, an elegant dress in a rich green silk, with a slightly full skirt that came just below her knee and her hair fell thick and shining on her shoulders. She wore a green necklace of twisted glass Gary had given her. She held it in her hand a moment remembering they’d been in Spain on holiday and he’d bought it from a young woman who made the jewellery herself and sold it from her stall in the marketplace. He’d put it round her neck and kissed her. It was the last thing he’d given her before he died and she wore it often.
Freddie needed help with his shirt buttons, which diverted her thoughts. He was spruced up and smart in his long trousers and checked shirt, new jersey and duffle coat, which she insisted Freddie wore, even though they were only going a few yards to Tessa and Nell’s office, as the evening was damp and cold.
The small, wooden door to Tessa and Nell’s was slightly open and they could hear the buzz of chatter as they went upstairs to join the party.
Luke was already there, and Freddie greeted him ecstatically and the two of them began ribbing each other. Anna hoped Freddie wouldn’t get too excited and noisy, as he seemed to be the only child there.
They were in a small, rather cluttered room. Hanging on the walls were beautiful coloured photographs of the castle and the gardens in all seasons. There were a couple of much-worn but comfy-looking armchairs pushed to the side and a television set and, through an open door, Anna saw a couple of desks at each side of the room and bookcases on the walls and various filing cabinets. A collection of wine bottles and a jug of something stood on one desk and Tessa and a man she didn’t know were doing the rounds filling glasses.
She felt a little shy at first, but Tessa introduced her to various people, and soon enough some familiar faces arrived; Simon was closely followed by Cathie, and Jenny wasn’t far behind.
Simon made his way over. ‘You look so glamorous tonight.’ He appraised her with a smile, making her blush and a feeling of warmth seep through her.
‘Well… thank you, we are all dolled up tonight,’ she said, thinking how attractive he looked in his well-cut suit.
Cathie, sensing their exchange, came over and began to talk earnestly to Simon about another party she’d been invited to. ‘It’s open house so you can come with me if you like,’ she said eagerly.
Before he could answer her, Gail, who did the flowers for castle events, joined them and was introduced to Anna and soon the conversation became dominated by the flower arrangements for the wedding.
‘I’d love to find some of that ivy with black berries, that’ll look good against the red holly berries. Have you seen any around?’ She smiled at Simon as if she were asking him something far more intimate.
‘I’ve seen some, I think,’ Cathie pushed in, ‘We were there the other day, Simon, that bottom field.’
Simon frowned, ‘I can’t remember, but we’ll look out for some for you, Gail.’
Luke was brought into the conversation and Freddie was now with the two little girls he’d met at the Christmas lunch.
Simon moved closer to Anna, saying quietly, ‘It’s great that your friend came to stay, not that she was here long. Might she… or others come here?’
Anna guessed that his question held more than just an effort to make small talk; he wanted to know if or when Daisy might return. She was nudged with jealousy, which she quickly dismissed. Daisy was beautiful, warm and fun and had always attracted men, though she somehow always chose the wrong ones.
‘I don’t know. She works in art restoration and is about to start on a huge job restoring a painting. The church and hall in this part of the village was barely covered with water, so she probably won’t be able to take much time off, but she might come back on a weekend when Philly and Sidney are back from the US, to hear about their trip.’
‘Of course, they are her relatives, I’d forgotten, I haven’t seen her here before, but then I hardly ever come up to the castle after the winter as I work more on the land, there’s a small farm as well as all these grounds and gardens which keep me busy.’ He studied the red wine in his glass as if it were of the utmost importance. Anna waited for him to say more. He was obviously attracted to Daisy, which could be bad news for Cathie, but even if Daisy was attracted to him nothing might come of it as she lived a busy life in London.
Before they could continue with his line of questioning Julius joined them.
‘Did you get all the presents you wanted for Christmas, Freddie?’ Julius asked, smiling at him as he bounded up to them.
‘I had a great Christmas, but I didn’t get all I wanted, not quite,’ Freddie answered solemnly before Anna had had a chance to step in.
‘You got so many lovely things, Freddie,’ Anna said, her voice coming out quite stern as if to warn him to take care what he said.
Julius, glancing at her in surprise at her tone, asked him, ‘What didn’t you quite get that you wanted, Freddie?’
And before Anna could divert the conversation, Freddie said, ‘I wanted a dad for Christmas, but I haven’t got one yet.’
Anna said quickly, ‘Freddie, we’ve talked about this, it’s not something we can buy or just find, it will take time.’ She was swamped by embarrassment, unable to meet their gaze, ‘I… I think it’s time we went on to Lucy and Colin’s house, I’m sure Benny will have to go to bed soon and we mustn’t keep him up.’
Cathie was visibly shocked and moved closer to Simon as if Anna might commandeer him to take on the role as a father for Freddie.
Freddie, sensing the sudden interest in him, went on loudly, ‘I haven’t got a dad – well, Mum said I had a wonderful one, but he got in a dangerous taxi and got killed before I was born.’ There was a hushed silence, and before Anna could steer him away, he went on, ‘I would like one though. I’ve got Uncle Robert, but he’s got two boys already, but he’d be a sort of dad if I wanted, but I just want one of my own.’
He stood there small and resolute while Anna bit back tears. She turned away, her arm round Freddie, trying to head towards the door.
Julius was beside her and said, ‘Anna, I’m so very sorry, but please don’t leave until you want to.’
‘I think it best if we leave now,’ she said, struggling not to cry.
Julius took a large handkerchief from his pocket, handed it to her as he gently took her arm and steered her and Freddie towards the door.
She wiped her eyes, saying, ‘Please don’t leave the party on our account, Julius. It’s time we left anyway. We’re going to Lucy and Colin’s.’
‘If you’re sure,’ he said, his hand against her back, and she felt a mad impulse to lean against him, but she straightened up sharply as if she were a shocked maiden aunt being touched by a man. ‘If you’re really all right, I expect I’ll see you there,’ he said, moving away from her, leaving her feeling bereft. ‘See you later, Freddie.’ He ruffled his hair before turning away and going back into the throng.
Freddie was quiet as they got into the car to drive to Lucy and Colin’s. He said, ‘They asked me what I wanted, and I told them. You always say I must tell the truth, Mum, and I did. So why are you cross?’
She took a deep breath, ‘I’m not cross, darling, but some things aren’t as easy as ordering them when you want them.’
‘Maybe I could have Luke, Simon and Julius, like I have three godmothers.’
‘Look, love, we are only here for another two weeks, so I think it best if you forget all the three men or any others we meet, for all we know they have families already or are not looking to be dads right now,’ she finished.
Freddie said, ‘I’d still like a dad all of my very own.’
Anna stayed silent, feeling sad and guilty, even though it was hardly her fault that Gary had died. She imagined them; this group of mates out on a stag do, and probably the worse for wear, piling into a taxi with a drunk driver. Why couldn’t they have refused to go with him? She beat down her anger, what use was that? It had happened and at least she still had part of him in Freddie, but, she realised now, it was not enough for him, however much she talked about his father, showed him photos and videos of him. As he said, he wanted a father who could play football with him, be there to laugh with. She was the only one with warm memories of Gary, for Freddie he was like Father Christmas, a lovely story but nothing tangible.
Freddie was much loved by her and Gary’s family, his three godmothers and Anna’s friends, but he wanted a dad and she’d no idea how to find one, and his outburst tonight would surely send a message out that she and Freddie were on the hunt for a father.
They soon arrived at Lucy and Colin’s; the front garden was festooned with strings of coloured lights over the door as well as the blue lights in a tree in the garden. Other cars were pulling up and she found a space to park. She wished they were not going now, she didn’t feel in party mood, but Benny and Freddie would be disappointed if she turned back. She must pull herself together and enjoy the party.
She stopped the car and they both got out. Freddie, carrying the things for the night in a bag over his shoulder, slipped his hand in hers. ‘I won’t talk about dads any more, Mum, if it makes you sad. I know I have one, but I want him here, alive.’
She hugged him, too choked to speak.
The door was on the latch and they followed two people into the house. Benny was waiting impatiently for him in the hall and he whisked Freddie away to the playroom as soon as he stepped into the house, with Lucy calling after them that they must not be too late for bed.
‘I hope you don’t mind if Freddie stays up a little longer than usual, but I know I won’t get Benny to bed just yet,’ Lucy said, then pointed to a tray of drinks on the hall table and Anna helped herself to a glass of wine.
‘No, that’s fine, he can sleep in tomorrow,’ Anna said, relieved to spot Mattie, who was wearing her party hat. She left Lucy to welcome more guests and headed over to Mattie.
‘How are things, Mattie?’ she said, thinking back to her waterlogged living room.
‘Julius has been so helpful,’ she said. ‘He’s found someone to rip out all the carpets and such, so my poor little cottage can dry out. I’ve chosen new colours for the living room and the hall, a sort of peach colour to warm up the living room in the winter and a pale grey for the hall.’ She went on to describe her new colour scheme and how she must find curtains to go with it too. Anna listened, grateful to have something safe to talk about.
‘So are you still going to your friend in Spain, or must you stay to see to the decorating?’ she asked.
‘No, I’m going. Everard said he’d keep an eye on things for me.’
‘Well that’s lucky, so you’ll have a lovely time in the sun, it will do you so much good after this,’ Anna said. ‘I expect I’ll be gone when you get back.’ She felt sad at the thought, she’d grown fond of Mattie and once she and Freddie had left here she’d probably never see her again.
As if she guessed her thoughts, Mattie said, ‘You and Freddie must come back and visit, you can stay in my spare room in my lovely newly done up cottage,’ Mattie grasped her hand. ‘Promise you will?’
‘We’d love to.’ She paused, wanting to ask a question that had been bothering her. ‘I’m thrilled to have been able to help out Philly and Sidney over Christmas and being here and meeting you all, but I have a feeling there’s more to it than them just being able to visit Sidney’s father, or is that just me being overdramatic?’
Mattie took another sip of her wine, her face suddenly turning serious, making Anna feel awkward; it was really none of her business.
She said with a false laugh, ‘Oh, don’t mind me, it’s just people keep saying how wonderful that I came and what a relief it was that Philly and Sidney were able to get away after all… I just can’t help feeling there’s another reason they are glad they’ve had a break.’ She added quickly, ‘Sorry, it’s none of my business, and I don’t want you to tell me any secrets, I just hope all is well with them.’
Mattie seemed relieved when Julius appeared.
‘So, Anna, what would you be doing for New Year at home?’ he asked after he’d greeted them both.
‘If I’m with my brother and his family they often have a party, they’ve got children too and it’s difficult and very expensive to get babysitters for New Year’s Eve, or we stay at home in London and possibly ask friends over, or sometimes it’s just the two of us.’
She knew she was not saying anything very interesting but she felt he was watching her, seeing her in a new light, no doubt warning himself to keep away from her in case she had a mind to snatch him to be Freddie’s father.
Someone else came up to talk to Mattie and for a moment Anna and Julius were left alone.
Julius turned to her and said softly, ‘Please, Anna, don’t worry about Freddie telling us he wanted a dad for Christmas. It must be so hard for you, having lost your husband like that. Children often tell the truth, and it’s better that way, we seem to lose that innocence, as we get older. Don’t imagine that any of us unattached men feel threatened by you,’ he smiled, ‘and will steer clear of you because of it.’
‘Thank you for being so understanding,’ she felt drawn to him though she warned herself not to over react. ‘I told Freddie to keep it to himself as I didn’t want anyone to think we were daddy hunting,’ She hoped she sounded jokey. ‘We’re only here another two weeks after all.’
‘Of course you are, I keep forgetting you are only here until Philly and Sidney return,’ Julius said. ‘We’ll miss you both when you’ve gone.’ He said it with a laugh as if he wasn’t being serious, but it touched her heart.