Back in the car it wasn’t long before the day began catching up on me so I was glad Cal was refreshed enough to drive back. He’d stuck the heater on and I’d pushed off my boots and now sat curled up on the seat. He fished a blanket from the back and draped it over me.
‘You OK?’
I nodded.
‘Get some rest.’
I shook my head. ‘I’m OK.’
Cal leant towards me, his fingers gently tucking a loose strand of hair back behind my ear. The rough plait I’d stuck my hair in this morning was finally giving in.
‘Are you always this stubborn about everything?’ he asked, his voice low.
I didn’t answer and instead kept my eyes focused on the dashboard, trying to keep my breathing even as his hand brushed against my skin, the warmth of it contrasting with the coolness of the snowflakes that had been stinging against it just a few moments ago.
His eyes were on me, I knew, but I didn’t dare look into them. I knew if I did, I’d be pretty much lost. Cal Martin was gorgeous, intelligent, funny, and loved many of the same things I did. And if Giselle was to be believed, he might even sort of like me. Which all in all meant one thing. Trouble. And right now, that was the last thing I needed.
Cal sat back and, glancing around to check it was clear, began pulling out of the pub’s thankfully large car park, carefully manoeuvring the trailer with its precious cargo onto the main road and back in the direction of the village. We still had a long drive ahead of us and the snow was heavier now. Luckily it was mostly main roads we had to use to get home and, as we saw another gritter lorry on the opposite carriageway, it was reassuring to know that these were being kept as clear as possible.
I was doing my best not to fall asleep but it was definitely a struggle. I wasn’t sure exactly why I didn’t feel comfortable giving in to the tiredness now seeping through my body and mind. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Cal or his driving. In fact, I had a nagging suspicion it was quite the opposite. Today had been one of the best days I’d had in a long time and I knew it would soon be over. Childishly, I was forcing myself to stay awake so that I didn’t miss any of it. Well, that and the very real worry of sleep drooling. Nobody needed to see that. Especially not Cal Martin.
He glanced across at me and seeing that I was indeed stubborn enough to fight sleep he gave me a quick roll of his eyes. My body was also protesting at my choices and had apparently decided that if the rest of me wasn’t going to sleep, as least some of me was. I wiggled a bit in the seat.
‘Numb bum?’
‘Ummhmm.’
‘Want some help?’
I cut my eyes to him and he gave me the briefest of glances, a wickedly tempting smile on his face, before he focused back on the road. Honestly, he really wasn’t helping my resolve to be sensible and stick to the plan. Not that I had that much of a plan but I did know getting involved with Cal Martin wasn’t part of it.
‘No. But thank you for the offer.’
‘Any time.’
The worrying thing about that reply was that I wasn’t entirely sure it was a joke.
‘So,’ Cal said, seeing that I was determined to fight closing my eyes. ‘You said you thought you missed out on a lot of stuff before, being away with the job?’
I wiggled a bit more. ‘I did,’ I said a little sadly, thinking of the celebrations I’d only been part of vicariously through seeing photographs and videos on email and social media. ‘This past year has been a bit of an eye-opener. I’ve been able to attend birthday parties, weddings, even just dinners with my family and friends. All things I’d missed out on for the past several years. It had become normal to not be able to attend. When someone asked me if I could make an event, it was almost automatic to say no immediately because that was usually what the answer ended up being.’
‘It’s not easy to miss out on stuff when you have such a close family and great friends, which you clearly do.’
‘No. And I think I’d just got used to it. Which isn’t right, really.’ I shuffled around in my seat a little to face him more. ‘I think what really brought it home to me was the first time I said I could attend something. It was one of my brother’s birthdays and we were going to have a meal at my parents’, like we always do. Anyway, when he asked and I just casually said yes I’d be there, I happened to see my mum’s face. She actually had tears in her eyes. I never really realised – or at least I suppose I’d forgotten – how much it means to her and Dad to have everyone around them on occasions like that. Any time really, but especially for things like that.’
‘That must have made you happy then? That you could make your mum happy like that?’
‘Actually, I felt like the most enormous shit for making her unhappy on all the previous occasions when I’d had to say no.’
Cal kept his eyes on the road but he reached out his hand and took mine for a moment. ‘You were doing what you loved. She understood.’ He gave my fingers the briefest of squeezes before resting his hand back on the wheel.
I nodded. ‘I guess.’
‘Are you missing it all? Not the being away a lot part, obviously. But the work? Your colleagues?’
‘Sometimes. It’s what I know. What I’m good at. Although I have been enjoying getting involved in the shop. Much more than I thought I would really. Growing up, I spent so much time there. I know it’s just a shop but I missed it. It’s been hard work for my parents and brothers, making it the success it is, but we all love it. It’s part of the family. And while we’re really busy at the moment, it’s a nice busy. There isn’t the same pressure that there was with the team. I thought I needed that pressure but apparently it turns out I quite like it when it’s not there.’
He nodded, and flexed his fingers on the wheel before letting them curl gently back around it. ‘I can see why you’re a little undecided about going back to it. It seems you have entries in both the for and against columns.’
I stared out the window at the falling snow as we drove on through the darkness, flakes glinting as they crossed the beam of the headlights. Glancing back at Cal in reply, his smile made me wonder if I shouldn’t start making another for and against chart with him as the topic of thought. But no. I didn’t need that. I already knew the sensible answer to that question.
I slid a glance sideways and studied my companion’s profile for a few moments. I’d had such a lovely day … I knew what the sensible decision was but I was fairly sure that, if he wanted, Cal Martin would be more than capable of helping me forget what the word sensible even meant. But that just wouldn’t do. As much as I liked him, relationships and me just didn’t get along. They were complicated. They weren’t like a car engine where you knew what went where and what you had to do to make it work.
Although Cal had backed off from telling me too much, there was clearly more to his story. He’d had a rotten childhood and he deserved everything in his adulthood that the world, and the woman he chose, could give him. I already knew that as much as I was interested in him, which in itself had been a surprise as men really had been the last thing on my mind this past year, I wasn’t the one for him. I couldn’t be. Cal slowed behind other traffic as the lights ahead turned red, the shades above each bulb holding a small pile of snow. He pulled on the handbrake and looked over at me.
‘We’ve still got a bit of a way to go yet. You look exhausted and I assume you have work tomorrow?’
‘Yes, but I’m not tired.’ The fact that I said the last word through a yawn didn’t really help my defence case all that much.
‘No, I can see that.’ He laughed. ‘Honestly it’s even harder to get you to admit you’re tired than it is a five-year-old. I promise I’ll drive carefully. Apart from anything else, I’m pretty sure Dan would hammer me to a pulp if I let anything happen to you. I mean, I can take care of myself but he’s a big guy and anyone can see how close you two are. I’d rather not risk it.’
My eyes, heavy-lidded until now, widened. ‘You think I don’t trust you.’
He checked the lights before returning his gaze to me. ‘I think you’re used to being in control. Or at least wanting to be.’
‘No, not always.’
I saw the quirk of his lips and the sparkle in his eyes and I rolled mine in response.
‘Typical man.’
‘I’d say sorry but I’d hate to lie to you.’ He was still grinning.
‘Anyway!’ I said, pointedly. ‘It’s not that I don’t trust you. I do. Totally. I know you wouldn’t do anything reckless or stupid. Not least because you have a very precious cargo back there.’
‘I’m pretty sure the one in here is more precious.’
I met his eyes, surprised. His mouth smiled but it was hard to tell his true expression in the low light.
‘I don’t know whether you’re teasing me or not sometimes.’
From the corner of my eye, I saw the lights ahead finally begin to change. Cal quickly hooked an arm around me, pulled me closer for a moment, and dropped the briefest of butterfly kisses on the top of my head.
‘Close your eyes for a little while,’ he whispered before pulling away.
I’m assuming that my body over-ruled my brain because the next thing I knew I was blearily blinking awake as the car’s interior lit up. Cal passed in front of the car, lit by the sidelights he’d switched to while dropping me off, and then he was at the passenger door as I tried to shove my brain into gear.
‘Hello.’ He smiled as I began wrestling a foot into one of my boots. Cal peered around me. ‘Try the other one.’
‘Huh?’
‘The other boot. You’re trying to put your left foot into the right boot.’
I sat up and stared down. He was absolutely correct. Excellent. I wasn’t really worried about trying to impress Cal but neither did I have any desperate inclination to make myself look an idiot either. One out of two wasn’t bad. I quickly swapped the boots round and rammed my feet into them before jumping out of the car, his hand at my elbow as I did so.
‘OK. Well, I hope the car works out well. Thanks for dinner.’
Cal stood in front of me, causing me to tilt my head back some way in order to meet his eyes.
‘You’re welcome,’ he replied, his voice soft. The main house was some distance away from the garage and had excellent double glazing these days but I still crept around once it started getting late, despite the fact that it was unlikely I’d ever disturb anyone.
For a moment, I thought he was going to say something else. And for a moment I really wanted him to. Despite knowing it would be a bad idea. Despite the fact that I still wasn’t sure what I was doing with my own life, let alone with someone else who was responsible for a child. Despite that fact that there was a possibility he might want more from me than it was possible for me to give. For that moment, none of it mattered. All I wanted was for Cal Martin to wrap his arms around me and –
‘Lexi?’
‘Huh?’
‘I said are you OK? You drifted miles away for a minute there.’
Not exactly miles …
‘Oh. No. Yes. I’m fine. Just tired. Long day.’ I walked to the steps that led up to the little flat. Steps that now had a generous coating of grit on them thanks to Dad now being overcautious following my skating escapade the other week. As I turned back to say goodbye to Cal, I caught the concern in his look.
‘But good. It was a good day too. I did honestly have a great time. Thanks for letting me come and get involved. I really enjoyed it.’
‘I know you know your stuff. I value your input. It was purely a selfish move on my part, taking advantage of your knowledge. It’s good to get a second opinion on things sometimes. And –’ he took a step nearer ‘– if I’m honest, I wanted to spend every moment I could with you.’
‘Cal …’
‘Lexi, I know you’re wary. I’m not sure why exactly at the moment but I want to find out. I want to find out everything about you. It’s been such a long time since I met someone I’ve felt like that about.’
I felt myself blush and looked down at my feet, unsure of what to say. I could banter with the best of them and swear like a sailor on shore leave if I needed to but this? This was definitely out of my comfort zone.
Cal hooked a finger under my chin and gently lifted it back so that I was once more looking into those maddeningly hypnotic eyes.
‘Are you blushing?’
I pulled a face. ‘Of course not,’ I said, as my hands went up to my cheeks. ‘It’s the cold.’
‘Fibber.’
Looking at him, he knew he’d caught me out. I lowered my gaze.
‘I’m sorry. I’m just not very good at all this sort of stuff.’
‘And you think I am?’
I looked back up at him. ‘You seem to be. Yeah.’
‘I’m pretty out of practice.’
‘I think you’re doing fine.’
‘Says the woman whose last boyfriend could whizz her to Monte Carlo for lunch in a jet if it took his fancy?’ He was teasing, I knew, but the comment hit a nerve.
‘I wasn’t with Marco for his money,’ I replied, turning away and taking a step towards the garage. It was by no means the first time I’d had that accusation levelled at me, but somehow, coming from Cal, it hurt more. I gave a quick head shake of frustration, the action sending miniature snow flurries from my hat onto my shoulders. ‘It’s late and it’s snowing and I’m cold. You should get home to –’
Cal’s hands were gently cupping my face, and suddenly I didn’t feel quite so cold any more.
‘I’m sorry. I never meant to imply that you were. I haven’t known you for very long but I know you’re not made that way.’ He dipped his head, making me catch his eye. ‘Like I said, I’m way out of practice at this.’
‘What is this?’ I asked, the confusion I felt telling in my voice.
‘Honestly? I don’t know yet. I really like you. I mean …’ He ran a hand across the back of his neck and gave the briefest of smiles. ‘I really like you. That’s something new for me, and right now, I’m not quite sure what to do with it. I don’t know how you feel, and I don’t think asking you would help as I don’t think you’re quite sure of the answer to that question yet either. You may be leaving again and I have a five-year-old son to consider in anything I do these days. George is already nuts about you, and the last thing I want is for him to get hurt.’
I felt tears sting my eyes unexpectedly. ‘You think I would hurt him?’
‘No! Not intentionally.’ Cal reached over and ran his fingers across the end of my plait, the snowflakes that had settled on it dissipating under his fingers. ‘I just meant that if we …’ He stopped, scratched his forehead, and looked away. ‘George understands as much as he can at his age about why he doesn’t have a mum who lives with us, or that he even sees. The last time I went to dinner with someone, George’s first question was whether she was going to be his new mummy.’
‘Oh. Wow.’
‘Yeah. And that was a business dinner so you can imagine how complicated something that wasn’t might be.’
I nodded and lifted my head, meeting his eyes. ‘Cal, I’m not looking for anything from you. From anyone. I don’t do well with relationships and I’m certainly not going to get involved with someone whose child could get the wrong idea and be upset. So let’s just leave it at that, shall we?’
‘Are you saying you don’t want to see me at all?’ Cal frowned at me.
I’d only known him for the shortest of times and yet the thought of not seeing him caused my insides to twist. I’d got used to seeing him. Looked forward to it. The thought of not doing so …
‘No! Not at all. I just meant that I think we’re better as friends. We know where we are and no one gets hurt. I think it’s a good plan.’
‘I’m not sure that’s exactly what I meant.’
‘Well, it should have been. It’s right. For both of us.’
Cal studied me for a moment until I could take the scrutiny no longer.
‘You should go before you turn into a full-blown snowman.’
‘You’re probably right.’
‘I’m definitely right. Goodnight, Cal.’
‘Night, Lexi.’ He leaned forward and his warm lips lightly brushed my cheek. ‘You’re freezing,’ he whispered.
I wanted to make some smart-arse comment about that being because I’d been standing out in the snow talking to him but I couldn’t. My cheek tingled from his touch and his warm breath close to my ear was sending a whole lot more tingles throughout the rest of me.
‘Thanks for today, Lexi.’
‘You’re welcome.’
Neither of us moved.
‘I should go.’
‘Yes.’
No!
I raised my gaze and fell into the grey storm of his eyes. For a moment we just stood there. And then he smiled briefly and turned away. As he crunched back to the car, I let out the breath I didn’t even realise I’d been holding and made my way up the gritted stairs to my room, fumbling in my pocket for the front door key as I did so. The wind whistled through the banisters and I yanked my hat further down as the cold bit into my ears.
‘I’ll call you tomorrow,’ he said as he reached the door to the car. ‘Now get inside and get warm. I’ve kept you out here long enough.’
‘I have three brothers who all played rugby. Believe me, I’ve stood in the cold for worse reasons.’
He grinned, and shook his head.
‘Drive carefully. And I hope George is fully recovered now.’
‘I will, and thanks.’ Martha had texted Cal a couple of times in the day, and George had slept well and sounded like he was well on the way back to being his perky self. The relief on Cal’s face had been obvious but I knew he’d feel better once he’d seen the evidence for himself.
I scooted up the last few stairs and let myself into the flat, tucking myself against the door, and waiting as Cal turned over the engine, returned the lights to their main setting, and began to pull out of the drive. He held up a hand in goodbye as he left and I waited until he was out of the farm’s drive completely before closing the door.