I’d just filled Giselle in on the day out with Cal, listening to her disappointment at the fact that there was nothing remotely steamy to report. When I told her about the conversation Cal and I had had as he’d dropped me off, she gave a dramatic sigh.
‘Honestly. You two.’
‘What? It’s the sensible thing to do.’
‘Are you going to go through life being sensible now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well that sounds incredibly dull.’
‘Maybe. But there’s a lot less chance of anyone being hurt.’
‘Lexi, everyone gets hurt at times. You heal.’
‘I’m not talking about me.’
The sigh came again. ‘There were two of you in that relationship, and Marco’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. It wasn’t just down to you.’
‘Part of it was.’
‘Even he knew not being able to conceive wasn’t your fault. It’s not like you chose not to.’
‘Sometimes I wonder if he did know that.’
‘Of course he did. Why? Did he ever say that?’
‘No. I don’t know why I even said that. I just … ugh, it was just such a mess, Gis. And the thought of going through all that again with someone else? And someone who also has a young child to think about. I can’t even begin to think about how awful that would be.’
‘You sound like you’re expecting any relationship you have to break down.’
‘I do.’
‘Wow. Good positive attitude there.’
‘It’s not that. I’m just not good at them. And relationships do break down, all the time!’
‘You know what, if you decide not to take that job, you could always go into relationship therapy. Clearly you’re a natural.’
‘Smart arse.’
‘Well. You can’t go into something looking at it like that. All you’ll do is possibly miss out on something wonderful.’
‘I didn’t go into things with Marco expecting it to break down but it did anyway and I very nearly lost one of my closest friends for ever. I did for while, anyway.’
‘But things are good between you now.’
‘Yes. But I’ve been lucky there. I like Cal. I really do. But it’s not worth the risk of losing a friendship I already value.’
‘Sometimes friends turn into lovers and it works out just perfect.’
‘Yes, well you and Xander are special.’
‘So are you. Much more so than you think.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Don’t hmm me. Think about it.’
‘What?’
‘Cal likes you. You like Cal.’
‘Which is exactly why I’m not going to mess it up.’
The bell above the shop door tinkled and a group of pensioners began trailing in. The village with its chocolate box cottages, pale-stone-walled houses, and tall-spired church along with the assortment of individual shops made it a prime stop on several tourist routes.
‘I’ve got to go. A coach just dropped off.’
‘That’s convenient.’
‘Convenient but true.’
‘Fine.’ Giselle laughed. ‘But don’t think this conversation is over.’
‘I can live in hope though, right?’
‘You’re really quite impossible sometimes.’
‘I know. It’s why you love me. I’m a challenge. Really got to go. Talk to you later. Love you! Bye.’
‘Love you too, and the bump is waving.’
‘Bye, bump!’ I called before pressing the end call button.
Tucking the phone back into the pocket of my jeans, I sat back and smiled at the customers filing in. A gust of the cold wind they were sheltering from blew across me as the last one closed the door behind them but the shop was cosy and snug and as I listened to the festive music playing softly I suddenly realised that I was happier than I’d been in a very long time. It wasn’t that I’d been unhappy at work. I’d loved my job. But I hadn’t realised how much other things truly meant to me until I was back immersed in them, finally able to appreciate and enjoy them properly.
And now there was something else to appreciate. The addition of Cal Martin and the gorgeous George in my life. If I let myself drift off into la-la land then yes, maybe I did want more from Cal. There was no doubt that just being near that man set off feelings that had been happily lying dormant for quite some time. And I wasn’t a nun, for goodness’ sake. But it was better this way, for everyone.
Cal was lovely. Really lovely. It would have been so easy to take that chance like Giselle said but I knew from experience getting swept along by things might be romantic, but it wasn’t always the best option. And letting myself get swept along by Cal Martin was only going to end badly. It was too quick. Too complicated. Too … perfect. And when something’s too perfect, it usually has a way of turning around and showing itself to be quite the opposite.
***
The coach party had cleared out and we’d made some substantial sales. I’d seen various members of my family as they dipped in and out with deliveries, collections, information, and just to say hi, and check up on me. Whatever my age, I don’t think I was ever going to be thought of as anything but the baby of the family. I had my suspicions that the extra attention was partly because it was such a novelty for me to be home for this length of time.
Everyone knew about the job offer I’d received – and because they were my family they also knew I wasn’t as excited as I might have been. Taking a step back down the ladder, and a pay cut wasn’t exactly what I’d planned for getting back into things but it had taken me months to even get that so I knew I should be grateful. And I was. So, if I was grateful, why wasn’t I excited?
My phone rang, distracting me from my ponderings. Cal’s name and a cute picture of him and George lit up on my screen. I smiled without thinking.
‘Hi!’
‘Hey. Just checking you were all recovered from your long day yesterday and not face down in the mistletoe.’
‘No. That was earlier.’
He laughed and my smile widened.
It felt so right, just chatting with him. Natural. And I knew that if I let it, anything else that followed would feel just the same – so, so right. But it wasn’t. Cal was settled here and he had a child to consider. I couldn’t go mucking about with that, especially if I was going to be leaving again after Christmas. Assuming I took the job. Which I would. Obviously. Most probably.
In the background, I heard George call his dad, and he told him he’d be there in a moment.
‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t worry about it.’
‘I had a great day with you yesterday.’
I laughed. ‘So you said.’
‘I know. I just wanted to say it again.’ I could hear the smile in his voice.
George called again.
‘I have to go. But can you come round tonight? I’ll cook.’
I hesitated.
‘Just friends. I promise.’
‘Look, only my family are supposed to be able to do the whole mind-reading thing. It’s in the rules.’
He let out that delicious laugh again. ‘The rules?’
‘Yes. I’m not going to be able to keep any thoughts to myself if every Tom, Dick, and Harry has access to them.’
‘OK. Well, just amend it to add my name. We’ll make sure Tom, Dick, or Harry are still excluded.’
‘Yeah … I’m not sure adding your name is such a good idea.’
‘It’s going to happen whether it’s in the rules or not. Just saying.’
I made an “ugh” sort of noise. Cal laughed. ‘Just head over whenever you’re ready. Although, ideally the sooner the better.’ I could hear that sexy smile in his voice and my insides felt soft and warm. My brain, however, was doing its best to over-rule my body. And I knew I was really going to have to fight to listen to it.
‘I’ve told George you’re coming and he’s bouncing with excitement.’
‘Oh.’ Somewhere in the back of my mind, a balloon deflated sadly.
‘But don’t worry. I’ve already explained that it’s just like when he has friends over to tea.’
‘Oh. Right. Good.’ I forced brightness into my voice and the metaphorical balloon made a last ffttt noise and lay limp.
We hung up and I sat for a moment just looking at the phone, but not really seeing it. This was good. Cal was respecting my wishes about just being friends. That should make me happy. So why didn’t it?
I blew out a long sigh, grabbed the box of new stock Joe had dropped off earlier, and ripped off the seal. Diving into the new goodies, I forced myself to concentrate on them and the best place to display them, pushing all thoughts of Cal Martin, and all the goodies he had to offer, firmly to the back of my mind.
***
‘I’m sorry it’s nothing fancy,’ Cal said as he placed the plate in front of me.
‘If I didn’t have to cook it, I’m happy. Thanks so much for this. It smells delicious.’ I kind of hoped it didn’t taste quite as good as it smelled because then I was not only planning to avoid getting together with a man who was gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and kind, but also a man who could cook. Honestly. It just wouldn’t be fair. Once Cal had sat opposite me, I took a forkful of the parmigiana. And it wasn’t as good as it had smelled. It was better. Of course it was. I gave a little groan.
‘Is everything all right?’ Concern creased the handsome features.
Oh crikey. That was out loud.
‘Umm, no. No, not at all. I … er, just remembered I forgot to do something today at the shop but it’s not important. I’ll do it tomorrow.’ I’d been nervous of the mood lighting originally, but right now I was exceptionally glad of it as it went some way to helping hide the flush I could feel on my chest at my fib.
We finished the food and then, having placed the crockery in the dishwasher, Cal set about fiddling with the complicated coffee maker. Taking the drinks, he led the way through to the snug.
‘I thought it might be nice to sit in here. But we can go into the living room if you’d prefer?’
I didn’t prefer. The room was beautifully cosy with an open fire prepared and ready to be lit and was lined on one entire wall with bookshelves. A cosy, squishy sofa was opposite the fire and heavy, padded silk curtains draped at the window, puddling on the floor.
‘Silk? With a small child? You’re a brave man, Mr Martin.’ I smiled, sinking into the softness of the sofa.
His back was to me as he lit the fire, but he threw a look over his shoulder and gave a laugh that did more to warm me than the fire was ever going to do.
‘I know. But they looked so good in here, I asked the sellers if they would consider leaving them as I liked them so much. It turned out the owner had made them herself so she was quite flattered apparently. George knows that his fingers and those curtains are not to meet.’ He stood up from where the fire had now caught and stretched his back before taking the seat next to me, filling the space. ‘He’s pretty good, actually.’
‘You’ve obviously taught him well.’
He smiled into his mug. ‘Thanks.’ His eyes lifted to mine. ‘Don’t tell anyone, but I’m totally winging this whole parenting thing.’
‘No one would ever know.’
He transferred the smile to me, and my traitorous mouth returned it. I took a sip of the rich, dark coffee and listened as the fire crackled and popped. Heavy rain was beating against the silk-covered windows. Cal frowned, his head turning towards the sound.
‘It sounds really foul out there.’
‘Yes. Not the most pleasant of evenings.’ I caught a glance. ‘I mean out there. Obviously.’
A small smile curved his mouth. ‘You need to relax. I didn’t think anything.’
‘Oh. Right. Well. Just checking.’
He raised a dark brow.
‘So, anyway.’
‘That was a smooth change of subject.’
I gave him an eye roll and stuck out my tongue for good measure. ‘You said you were winging it, you know, the parenting thing. Xander said something about you doing this on your own since George was born. Is that right?’
Cal took a deep breath.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. I forget that you’re not originally from here and therefore used to our nosy ways.’
‘No. You’re not prying. It’s fine. And yes, you’re right. George’s mother wasn’t interested in having anything to do with him.’
I thought about the little boy in his bedroom across the house, and what she was missing out on. Staying silent, I let the decision as to whether to tell me more fall to Cal.
‘When Annabel found out she was pregnant, her first thought was to get rid of it. She’d never had a particularly regular cycle so when she didn’t come on for a few months, she didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t unusual for her. She wasn’t sick and she’d been entertaining clients a lot, so the small amount of weight she did put on, she just put down to rich, late meals. By the time she realised she was actually pregnant she’d missed the window to do anything …’ he paused ‘… like she wanted to.’
‘But you were obviously happy about the baby?’
The smile that came onto his face as his thoughts returned to that moment would have melted the iciest of hearts. Mine, therefore, was total mush.
‘Thrilled to bits!’ He slid a half-smile to me. ‘Much to my surprise, I must admit. I’d never considered having kids. It wasn’t like I’d had an idyllic childhood and so I guess I had kind of a skewed vision of what bringing a child into the world meant. I wasn’t interested in anything like that. The most in-depth relationship I ever had was with the cars I worked on. I definitely never had any intention of taking on responsibility for a being who relied on me for every single thing.’
I smiled. ‘I sense there’s a but coming.’
He flashed me a grin. ‘But. The moment she told me? All of that went away. Completely. I felt something change, somewhere deep inside me. Like a switch or … I don’t know. Maybe a barrier lifting. I’d grown up feeling that the only person I could trust was myself, and that children were so often just pawns, or weapons, in a relationship when it goes wrong. But from that second, I knew that this was really what I wanted. What I’d maybe always wanted but had never accepted and just shut out because I didn’t think I had anything to offer a child.’
Without thinking, I laid my hand on his. ‘Cal, never say that. You have so very much to offer.’
He moved his hand and mine slipped within it, as his strong, warm fingers closed around it, squeezing mine gently.
‘It was a revelation to me, I have to say. From the moment she told me, I suddenly had so much love for this little being who I hadn’t even met yet. I never realised I was even capable of feeling that much.’
My throat was too thick to say anything so I returned the hand squeeze and hoped that that said everything I couldn’t form into words right now.
‘Annabel was definitely less than thrilled though,’ Cal said, pulling a face. ‘She lives a very high-flying lifestyle and she was on the fast track to a huge promotion and partnership. A baby was the last thing on her mind then, or ever.’
‘You had no plans for a family together then?’
‘No. Not at all. We didn’t really have any plans full stop. I’m not big on attending functions but I had to go to this particular one and she was there, and clearly in her element, unlike me. I think she took pity on me and came over to talk to me.’
Glancing at Cal, I doubted pity had been the main reason for her move, but kept quiet and let him continue.
‘Annabel’s incredibly career driven. She works hard and she likes to enjoy herself too, but her enjoyment was a little more sophisticated in taste than mine. Absolutely loved a dinner party, and admittedly there were always interesting people to talk to, and I did get a certain amount of business from them, which I think was part of her plan. Nothing was ever purely for fun with her, but in a way, I admired that. She’d worked hard to get where she was. Neither one of us was looking for anything particularly deep and meaningful at that point. We were having fun. I found her interesting and intelligent and she liked the fact that I forced her to relax a little sometimes, and showed her that not everything had to be about business. That sometimes it was OK just to do something for fun.’
‘So finding out she was expecting didn’t go down well with her then?’
Cal raised his brows and took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly. ‘That,’ he said, ‘is a bit of an understatement. I understood that it was a shock. It was for both of us, but I thought that once that passed, we’d be able to talk about things. But in the end, I actually started to get a little worried.’
‘About what?’
‘She made a couple of remarks. They were kind of in passing but something in her tone got me thinking that she might actually do something a bit dodgy. Money can pretty much buy you everything and she had plenty of that.’
‘You thought she might go for an illegal abortion?’ My stomach twisted at the thought.
‘I’m not sure. But I know the thought went through her head because I asked her outright. She’d developed a pretty good poker face over the years, doing negotiations and so on. But I grew up watching expressions and trying to suss out what people were thinking, and so I had the edge on her, just through experience. A pregnancy risked putting a dent in her career as far as she was concerned, and right now, her career is the most important thing in Annabel’s life.’
‘But you managed to convince her to go through with it, obviously.’
‘Yes, thank goodness. To be honest, I don’t think she really wanted to get rid of it so late. She was just panicking. As far as she was concerned, this baby was ruining everything she had ever worked for, and nothing I said could convince her otherwise. So we came to an agreement that if she went through with it all, looked after herself during the pregnancy in order to give the baby its best chance, then once it was born I’d would take full responsibility and she wouldn’t have to see either of us again, if she didn’t want to. Apparently, she definitely didn’t want to and was more than happy to sign on the dotted line. Quite literally. She actually drew up a contract.’ He gave a sad smile. ‘Because that’s what Annabel does. Everything was a negotiation. It’s just the way she is.’ He turned to me. ‘You have a strange look on your face.’
I pushed my hand back over my hair, my fringe flopping back into place. ‘I’m just trying to get my head around it all. I mean … she wasn’t just signing her baby away. She was signing you away too.’
Cal stood and crossed to the fire. He picked up the poker and prodded at the flames, adding another log to them and waiting to make sure it caught before giving another final prod and returning to the sofa.
‘You don’t have to say any more, Cal,’ I said, laying my hand on his as he sat. ‘I keep forgetting I’m not at home where we all just blurt and blab all the time.’
He turned his hand and laced his fingers through mine and I did my best to ignore the sparks his touch sent flaming throughout my body.
‘I think it’s lovely that you all blurt and blab. Feel free to do that as much as you like.’ His fingers gently squeezed mine before he released them and returned his own hands to his lap. I felt the withdrawal keenly, and not just in my hand.
‘Annabel and I had never been serious. We weren’t in love but I cared for her. And I thought she cared for me. I think she did, in her own way. But once the baby arrived in the picture, it was different. She was different. It … and I … were a problem to be solved. A deal to be negotiated.’
‘But she knew about your childhood?’
‘Vaguely.’
‘And she didn’t see that what she was doing might be a little insensitive to someone who’d spent their early years the way you had?’
‘Are you asking if I felt rejected?’
‘Did you?’
He ran his finger along the scar on his hand. ‘I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt. I know we weren’t in love but I did think we’d meant more to each other than a signature on a dotted line and a cease and desist letter. But to be honest, I didn’t have too much time to dwell on it. I had the prospect of a new baby to think about – something I literally knew nothing about – and a successful business to run. Something that was even more important now that I’d have a child to support. And then I had George. Right there in my arms.’
I kept silent, not knowing what to say. Or even if there was anything I could say. My throat felt raw from the pain this man had suffered in his life, and the way he just boxed it away, almost accepted that that was how things were. That was how people got treated. The knowledge that I’d never once had to feel like that, never been left alone, or made to feel like I had no one, that no one cared, nearly broke me.
‘Thankfully, everything went to plan with the delivery. . But when it was all over, she wasn’t interested in seeing the baby or holding him at all. He had a little cry and then he was just there. Helpless. This tiny little boy. But as far as she was concerned, her side of the deal was complete. Before long she was back on the phone arranging meetings.’
‘Wow.’
‘Yeah. I know. I, meanwhile, had lost every last shred of machismo and was standing there, holding this tiny little baby and blubbing more than he was!’
My throat felt raw as emotion pushed itself up. ‘I think that’s lovely.’
‘I couldn’t believe she didn’t want anything to do with him. He was so perfect.’ It was hard to tell in the low light, but I was pretty sure Cal’s eyes were shining with remembered emotion.
‘Do you think she’ll ever change her mind?’
‘She signed a legal document that she wouldn’t.’
‘But?’
Cal let out a sigh and glanced down at his hands, resting loosely in his lap. ‘I’d consider it. She’s his mother. But I really don’t have any expectations. I sent her a picture of him on his first birthday, you know, in case she was regretting anything. She sent it back saying that she hadn’t, and wouldn’t, change her mind about anything. She told me that, in reality, she had been nothing more than a surrogate and would appreciate it if I “would desist with contact”.’ He pulled a face.
I didn’t know what to say in response to that.
‘Does George ever ask where his mum is?’
‘He has a couple of times.’
My heart broke at Cal having to have a conversation with his son like that.
‘I just tried to explain to him that there are all sorts of different families …’ He shrugged. ‘I had no idea what to say really. I’m not about to tell him at this age flat out that his mother wasn’t interested in him. I know all too well what that’s like, and what that can do to you. As he gets older, I know he’ll have more questions and we can talk about it a bit more then. That’s why it’s been so good coming here. Everyone just mucks in and he’s treated like one of their own, especially with your family. It’s gone a long way to helping him not feel like he’s different. And there are a couple of other single parents in the village too. Sasha was really helpful when I first got here. It’s sometimes good to know you’re not the only one, in any situation.’
‘Sasha?’
‘Yeah. Quite tall, blonde?’
My mind cast back to the uber stylish woman with whom Cal been talking at the late-night opening.
‘Oh. That’s good,’ I said brightly, desperately trying to muster more enthusiasm than I actually felt at this knowledge. I really was glad that Cal had support in the village, but it was pretty obvious to anyone that Sasha wasn’t just offering this out of the kindness of her heart. Even my brothers had made the odd comment in this respect, and they were normally the last ones to notice anything in that sort of vein. I hadn’t realised exactly who’d they been referring to at the time, but putting two and two together now, my maths was perfect.
‘Yes. Obviously I’d have loved for George to have a loving mother too – even if we weren’t together. He’s such a good kid.’
‘He’s lovely. He kind of stole my heart the moment I looked up from stabbing my thumb with that holly.’
Cal smiled. ‘Yeah, he has a knack for that kind of thing. And obviously we come as a package.’
‘I don’t think anyone could fail to fall in love with him.’
Cal stretched, shadows under his eyes telling tales of some late nights catching up with paperwork. ‘I agree, but I might be a little biased. But yeah, I’m not ruling out the possibility of him having a loving mother figure in his life, one day. And believe me, a year ago, I’d have never thought I’d consider that a possibility either. This village definitely has some sort of magical power, I think.’
I shuffled myself on the sofa in my quest to sit up a little from where I’d comfortably slunk down in the cosy warmth of the room. ‘It’s certainly special, that’s for sure.’ I smothered a yawn. ‘I should get going. I have to be in the shop early to get some orders packed. Claire’s been a bit under the weather so I said I’d do it.’
Cal nodded. ‘Will you be ok? Driving in this, I mean?’ he asked as we headed back to the hallway.
‘Yes, fine. It’s just a bit of rain,’ I said, aware that this was an understatement as the gale outside lashed the downpour against Cal’s front door. ‘My little car is more than up to this.’
He smiled. ‘Text me when you’re back.’
‘Yes, Mum.’
He shook his head at me and took the woolly hat I had in my hand, pulling it on and down over my eyes.
‘That’s a good look, I think. Although probably not practical for driving,’ I said, laughing as I pushed the brim back up a little.
He grinned. ‘See? Smart as well as pretty.’
I felt myself blush, and this time had no chance of using the fire as an excuse.
‘It’s kind of cute when you blush.’
I felt myself get redder. ‘You’re not helping.’
‘I know. It’s actually quite fun.’
‘You’re meaner than you look.’
He grinned and the full wattage of his smile warmed up places other than my face.
‘Thanks for this evening. The meal and everything.’
‘You’re welcome. I enjoyed it.’ His eyes locked on to mine, darkening as they held my gaze. ‘Very much so,’ he added, his voice soft.
For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. And right then, despite all my reasonings and the knowledge that it would be a Very Bad Thing, I wanted nothing more than for him to do exactly that because the truth was I had the feeling being kissed by Cal Martin would actually be a Very Good Thing.
And then he pulled back. Just a fraction. But the moment was gone. ‘You’d better go before that gets any worse.’
I nodded, unable to speak as emotions tossed around me. I adjusted my hat, and yanked on the leather gloves dangling from the ends of my sleeves. ‘Thanks again,’ I forced out eventually, my hand on the catch.
‘Hey?’
Glancing back over my shoulder, I saw that Cal had spread his hands. ‘We share a meal. You unwittingly initiate me into the blurt and blab club, and I don’t even get a goodbye hug?’
I turned more, leaning against the door. ‘Initiate you into the blurt and blab club?’ I laughed.
‘Seriously! What you got tonight is the equivalent of a full confessional in my world.’
‘Wow.’
‘I know. Believe me, you aren’t the only one who’s surprised.’
I dropped my gaze, focusing on my boots for a moment as I turned a thought around in my mind.
‘Are you sorry you told me?’
There was no hesitation as he shook his head. ‘Not for a moment.’
I smiled, happy that he felt relaxed enough to share something with me.
‘Don’t get used to it though.’
I laughed. ‘I don’t think there’s any danger of me doing that.’
Cal put a hand on the catch, above my shoulder, and his gaze settled on me, but I couldn’t work out the expression behind it.
‘No. I don’t suppose there is.’
‘Cal –’
A heft of wind slammed into the door I was leaning against and the hall lit up as lightning split the sky. In the distance, thunder rumbled low and ominous.
‘Go on. Get yourself home before that gets any closer. And don’t forget to let me know when you’re back.’
‘It’s just down the road!’
Saying nothing, he fixed me with a look.
‘OK, OK.’
‘Thank you,’ he said, pulling me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him and, for a moment, just enjoyed the feeling of being close to him, feeling his arms holding me tight against his chest. And then it was over.
‘Drive carefully,’ he said, dropping a swift kiss on my cheek before pulling open the door onto what had turned into a decidedly foul night.
I nodded, and called that I would as I ran to the car, unaware if my answer ever got to him or was just cast away by the wind. Pulling open the door, I slid quickly into the seat. I yanked hard on the door to shut it against the wind. In front of me, broken twigs whipped up in the air, and soaked leaves whipped up into tiny little whirlwinds on the spot. I watched them for a moment as the headlights shone out and knew that, if I could see them, that was pretty much what my emotions would look like right now.