I woke the next morning unable to move. Finally managing a wriggle, I lifted my head and looked down. Apollo was sprawled out on top of the bed, and me, with a serene look on his face, snoring gently. Dogs were definitely family in our house but they weren’t allowed on the beds, not least because with a habit of always finding the biggest pooch in the rescue centre, it left little room for the humans to whom the bed belonged. As expertly demonstrated by Apollo right now.
‘Apollo. Come on, boy, wake up.’
The dog continued to snore. I made an attempt at wiggling. He groaned, shuffled, and snored.
‘Apollo! Get off! I need a wee!’ At this, he opened his eyes, looking as bleary as I felt. ‘Seriously, boy, if that happens we’re both going to be in trouble with Mum. You’re not even supposed to be on here.’
He gave a little whine.
‘I know. My fault. I won’t tell if you don’t, so long as you get down now.’
Apollo gave a little sigh and stood up. I let out an “oof” as he stretched, putting one front paw on my stomach and arched his back down. I gritted my teeth. ‘That’s really not helping matters, dog.’
Wrapping myself in the oversized, thick fleecy dressing gown I’d found hanging new in my wardrobe when I’d got home, I opened the door ready to mooch over to the house for breakfast before work. Luckily, I wasn’t starting early today. I’d finally risked a look in the mirror when brushing my teeth and what greeted me hadn’t been good. The fine snow that had given Apollo a dusting last night had built itself up into a heavier effort overnight and a covering of white now draped itself over everything, softening edges and muffling sounds.
Yanking on my wellies, I let Apollo out and he raced down the steps, leaving paw prints in the pristine snow and then another less adorable sign of his presence. Pulling a bag out of my pocket – like any good dog owner, it was a rare piece of clothing that didn’t have a poo bag secreted in it somewhere – I tidied up and dropped the bag in the bin on my way into the house. Crossing to the sink, I washed my hands and then flopped down at the long kitchen table, it’s. pine faded and worn from many years of use and scrubbing. Mum came in from the living room and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, dropping a kiss on my cheek.
‘Morning, darling.’
‘Hi, Mum.’
She bustled about and moments later a steaming cup of tea was placed in front of me. Mum took the chair next to me.
‘What would you like for breakfast?’
I took a sip of the tea and savoured its soothing heat as it warmed its way down. ‘It’s all right. I’ll get something in a minute if I feel like it.’
‘I don’t mind doing it.’
‘I know.’
‘Actually, I’d quite like to make the most of fussing over you if you’re thinking of taking that job with the new team. You know there’s always a job here for you, if you want it. The boys say you’ve been such a help with the shop since you came home. I know it’s different but I’m just saying, the option is there if you ever fancy a change.’
‘I know. And thank you. I have actually enjoyed getting stuck in and working with them more than I thought I would. But … being a race engineer is what I know. What I’m good at.’
‘You’re allowed to be good at more than one thing, Lexi, darling. And clearly you are. I know the boys don’t say much but honestly, take it from me. You’ve made their lives a lot easier.’
‘Is that emotional blackmail?’
Mum gave a laugh. ‘No. It’s not. I just want you to know that you’re valued here. It’s not just nepotism. You’re already proving yourself a real asset to the business, so just don’t jump into anything you’re not absolutely sure of.’
I took Mum’s hand and fiddled with her engagement ring, twirling it round first one way and then the other. ‘Would you be upset if I started with another team? You know, being away a lot again and stuff?’
‘Not as upset as you are about whatever happened between you and Cal last night I’m thinking.’ I kept my head down, focused on catching the light with her diamond. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I’d learned a long time ago not to play innocent with Mum. ‘I don’t really know.’ I leant my head on her hand and closed my eyes. ‘I know it’s the right thing to do, so why does it feel so wrong?’
‘Maybe you’re trying too hard, my love. Emotions rarely fit into boxes. You have a very logical mind. You know what goes where, and why things work on machines. But that logic just can’t be applied to some decisions. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart.’
‘I am. Sort of.’
Mum gave me a look I’d seen on more than one occasion. Generally, when she thought I was telling porkies.
‘From the look on your face, I’d definitely say this was your logical brain sticking its nose in. Your father and I have never told you what you and your brothers should or shouldn’t do. We always thought that the best way for you to learn was to make your own mistakes. So, assuming that wasn’t going to result in anything terrible, we’ve left you to it, offering advice but never dictating. I’m your mother, and it’s hard to see you so sad like this. You’ve had enough pain and seeing you happy and relaxed again these last few weeks has been wonderful. Having bumped into Cal at the newsagent early this morning, I know for certain that you’re not the only one hurting this morning.’
‘He’ll get over it.’
‘Alexandra.’
Oh crap. Now I was in trouble. My full name only ever came out when she was serious. I sat up.
‘What?’
‘I know you’re nowhere near as callous about people’s feelings as that comment just made you sound.’
‘I’m not being callous. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant … it’s better for him that he does.’
I wrapped my hands around the mug and let its warmth filter through me.
‘So, that’s it?’
I pulled my blank stare away from the middle distance and focused back on Mum.
‘About what?’
‘About Cal. About the fact that when you’re with him you look the happiest any of us have seen you in a long time. Are you really going to just let that go because there might be bumps in the road? We both know that’s not like you, Lexi. Even when the odds are against you, you’ve never given up. If anything, it’s just made you want it even more.’
I rested my head on Mum’s shoulder. ‘Oh, Mum. I’m not afraid of bumps. I’m afraid of a bloody great roadblock.’
She wrapped her arms around me and cuddled me in, resting her head on the top of mine.
I sighed. ‘And sometimes even fighting for something doesn’t mean you can get it.’
‘That’s true. But it’s unlike you to give up on something this early. Especially something as important to you as Cal and little George clearly are.’
‘It’s better this way.’
She sat me up. ‘And how do you figure that one out?’
‘Because … it just is.’
‘I do so enjoy a well thought out argument.’ I gave Mum a look and she winked at me. Sarcasm was definitely a family trait.
‘Taking this job will be good for me, and him. I don’t want to mess up the friendships he’s finally built since moving to the village so it’s easier that way. And then I’ll be gone a lot of the time. The longer I’m out of sight, the further I’m out of his mind, and him out of mine, and he can maybe meet someone who can offer him more. Racing is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. It’s what I’m good at. I’m not good at relationships. So I should just stick with what I know I can do. And not least because it’s a whole lot less complicated.’
I was trying to sound convincing but I had a pretty good idea that it didn’t matter how far away I was from Cal Martin, he’d still be right there in my head.
‘A bit of complication is nothing when someone’s worth it. And I know that you think Cal is worth it.’
I shook my head. ‘I know you don’t really want me to take the job because it means I’ll be away a lot again but I think it’s for the best.’
‘Oh, Lexi.’ Mum rested her hands on my shoulders, gently squaring me towards her. ‘I want you to do whatever fulfils you and makes you happy. Of course I love it when you’re back and having you here has been wonderful! But if the mechanic’s job is what you want more than anything, then you should take it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t work things out with Cal as well.’ She dropped her hands to mine.
‘I wish it were that simple.’
‘Lexi, tell me what it is. There are few things that can’t be fixed if you really want them to be.’
I opened the dishwasher door and put my cup in. Closing it, I leant on the sink and looked out over the softly curving fields of white in front of me. Sheep dotted about made tiny little blips in the perfect covering as they plodded through the snow.
‘I’d thought Cal was happy with just having George. I mean, that’s the impression I’d got. Or maybe the one I’d interpreted for myself. But I’ve found out that he isn’t. He wants what we have here – what you have. And we both know that can’t be fixed however much I wish it.’
‘We don’t know that for sure, Lexi. The doctors have never said it’s impossible.’
‘Mum,’ I sighed, ‘Marco and I tried. Nothing ever happened.’
I saw the surprise in her face. ‘For how long?’
‘About a year, on and off. We were getting married anyway and we knew we both wanted children. After the accident, Marco was keen to celebrate life in every way possible. I didn’t tell you we were trying because you were already dealing with Dan and Claire, and being supportive for them. I could see how difficult it was for you two watching them struggle and I didn’t want to give you and Dad something else to worry about, especially with Dad’s heart.’
Mum swooped me into her arms, her voice thick with emotion. ‘Oh, my darling! You should have told us. There’s enough love and support in our hearts for every one of our children. I can’t bear to think of you going through all that alone.’
‘It’s OK, Mum. I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you. And I wasn’t exactly alone. Marco was there.’
‘You should have told me,’ she whispered, placing a kiss on my head. ‘Promise me you’ll never think you can’t come to us again. It doesn’t matter what else is going on. We will always be here for you. Me, your dad, and every one of your brothers.’
I nodded against her tight squeeze.
‘Promise me,’ she said again.
‘I promise.’
We stayed there for a few moments, watching the landscape outside the kitchen window. ‘I hate that I’ve upset Cal. But getting involved with someone who definitely wants more children wouldn’t be fair to them. I know that now. Relationships are hard work and adding in extra pressure just makes it harder. Honestly, Mum. It’s better this way.’
Perhaps the more often I repeated it, the more I’d believe it. Like some twisted kind of mantra.
‘Have you talked to Cal about it?’
I shook my head. ‘He doesn’t know the whole story, no.’
‘No wonder he’s upset. You know you’re the first woman he’s shown an interest in since he moved here?’
I blew out a sigh. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?’
‘I’m not on anybody’s side, darling. I don’t think there is a side in this case. You both look as miserable as one another.’
Pushing my hand back over my hair, I looked back out of the window. ‘There’s no point going through it all with him. Especially not now.’
‘Why not?’
I turned and leant on the sink. ‘Well, for one, he probably doesn’t even want to talk to me right now.’
‘No. I don’t suppose so,’ Mum said, inspecting her nails for a moment. ‘That’s probably why the first thing he did when he saw me this morning was to ask how you were.’
I swallowed, trying to process that, putting it to the corner of my mind when it proved too hard.
‘Mum, you know what he’s like. He and Marco are quite alike in a lot of ways. Definite alpha male type.’ I sighed. ‘He’ll say what Marco did. That we’ll get through it all, et cetera. But I’ve been there before. I’m not prepared to be the one to take away his dream. The one who causes him to have to explain to George why he won’t be getting the brothers and sisters he wants. It will be the same thing all over again but even worse. They’re hopeful at the beginning. Typical alpha males who think they can fix anything. But then things don’t get fixed, and things don’t go their way, and watching that hopefulness fade in someone’s eyes is just awful, especially knowing you’re the reason.’
‘Lexi, that’s not true. It’s not like you wished this on yourself.’
‘No, I know. But the result is the same.’
‘There are other options, if it doesn’t happen. You know that, and Cal is a sensible, down-to-earth boy. I’m sure he does too.’
I nodded.
‘There are always options in life, Lexi.’
‘In the end, it’s always going to be the same. I’m sorry, Mum. I know you’d prefer I stayed here and built a life like you and Dad have, but I can’t. It’s just better for everyone if I go back to what I was doing. I enjoyed it for the most part, so I think it’s best.’
Mum looked at me. ‘I’d be happy for you if I thought it was what you really wanted.’
I blew out a sigh and squared my shoulders. ‘It is, Mum,’ I said. She caught my gaze and we both knew I was lying.
***
Later that day I had a text from Cal. My tummy gave a little twisted lurch as his name popped up on the alert and I wondered how long it would be before that stopped happening. Truthfully, I knew it probably wasn’t going to be for a long while yet.
Your Jag is currently being loaded to come to workshop. Saw your mum this morning and she promised to get your dad out of the way for an hour. Will get what we can done on it and you are free to come and work on it any time if you get a moment.
After I’d basically dumped him last night, the last thing I thought he would be doing was sticking to an agreement that I knew, even if he wouldn’t admit it, would cost him money. I glanced up and pasted on a smile as the doorbell tinkled and a family got swept in through the door, along with a light dusting of snow. Looking back at my phone, I began composing a reply. Before I could send it, another text bounced in. Cal again.
PS: hope you’re OK.
I couldn’t decide whether Marco’s reaction of not talking to me for the best part of the year was easier to deal with than Cal’s calm, mature one. The emotional side of me was screaming at me that no, I definitely wasn’t OK. I’d finally found a man who, in pretty much every way, was damn near perfect for me but I couldn’t have him. I was actually nowhere near OK. And I had a feeling that “OK” wasn’t something I’d be feeling again for a while.
Yep, thanks.
My brain told me that was a big fat fib. I ignored it and carried on typing my reply.
And thanks so much for the help with the car. Really appreciated. Make sure you bill me for everything.
I pondered whether to add a kiss to the end of the message as we both had been doing up until now, but I’d noticed his didn’t have one and so that probably meant I shouldn’t either, right? Bloody hell. Why was everything so complicated? Were there books with all the rules and etiquette in them about all this stuff? If not, there damn well should be!
The family that had come in a little earlier, having now chosen several items, were approaching the desk so I quickly just pressed send and began putting through their purchases. Their arrival was the first in a steady stream that continued until closing time, thankfully keeping me and my overactive mind otherwise occupied for the rest of the day.
The rest of the week followed in much the same manner. When I wasn’t in the shop serving, I was in the stock room boxing up orders, and getting them sent off or liaising with suppliers and discovering new ones. This latter aspect had been something my family had been trying to build on, keen to find other cottage industries and small businesses to support.
I found I enjoyed looking out for new and exciting products, and making contact with their producers. I’d even tentatively lined up a couple of trips abroad in the new year to go and see a few of the ones I’d been talking to. Obviously one of my brothers would have to take these as I’d have moved away again by then with the new job.
It was difficult to ignore the niggling feeling I had about how much this fact bothered me. Part of me was desperate to follow my discovery through, and I did love to travel. My brothers were already running close to maximum, and Mum and Dad had stepped back from travelling for business a few years ago, when Dad had his heart attack.
As we sat at the long dining table one night, talking about the potential new suppliers and their products, I could see the conflict in their eyes. Everyone was keen on growing the business more, but it was clear that it was getting to a point where they’d either have to keep it at a certain level or start looking into hiring people.
The Four Seasons shop had always been a family concern when it came to staffing, which made things easier. Discussions could be held over dinner, arguments never went too far, and most of all there was utter trust. They’d seen other companies eaten alive from within once they began to grow, and the wrong hire would make a pleasant working day into a stressful one full of people walking on eggshells. That was never a situation my family had wanted to get into but I could see them having to now consider the real possibility of employing someone outside of the family.
‘I could always take some holiday and do those trips before the season really got going,’ I suggested as mention was made of a wonderful new supplier I’d discovered in southern Italy.
Mum patted my hand then went back to daintily loading her fork. ‘I’m not sure you’ll be able to fit it all in, darling, but thank you so much for offering. We do appreciate it.’
‘I could. I’m sure,’ I persisted.
‘Lex, it’s not just that trip. There’s that one to Australia, and another in the Highlands that we need to plan for,’ Dan added.
‘No, I know,’ I said, pushing my food around my plate a bit. ‘I just thought I could help … a bit.’
Dad gave me a smile and a wink.
‘You could help out a lot if you actually committed to the business full time.’ My youngest brother, Joe, had always been the most blunt.
Feeling a little bit raw on the emotion front I had no hesitation in reading into his comment far and above what he probably meant. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ I snapped.
Joe looked at me, having just emptied a forkful of dinner into his mouth. ‘What I said,’ he mumbled through it.
‘Don’t speak with your mouth full, please,’ Mum admonished.
‘I’m no good at committing to anything. Is that what you’re getting at?’ I snapped.
Joe screwed up his face as he swallowed. ‘No. It wasn’t.’
‘Lexi. You’re reading too much into it. Now finish your dinner before it gets cold,’ Dad added from his end of the table.
‘Although, as you brought it up …’ Joe raised an eyebrow at me. Dan nudged him with his elbow and I gritted my teeth, willing myself not to burst into tears. I didn’t know what had happened to me since I got back. It was like the squishy side of me had finally rebelled and now decided to make up for all the times I’d stopped myself from crying, determined not to be “girly” or show any hint of what I had somehow twisted into a perception of weakness.
‘Don’t go blabbing about stuff you don’t understand, Joe.’
He snorted. ‘It’s not exactly rocket science, Lexi. You somehow manage to get a billionaire to go out with you –’
‘Joseph.’ Mum gave him a warning look.
‘What? I’m just saying. First a billionaire wants to marry you and you say no –’
‘Actually, I said yes,’ I pointed out, pedantically.
‘Yeah, but then you said no.’
‘It was complicated.’
‘Whatever. And then Cal asks you out – a bloke who, by the way, half the women in this village would trample your body to get to – and you dump him after one date!’
‘We didn’t have any dates, which technically means I did not “dump him”.’
Joe cocked an eyebrow. ‘Are you still seeing him?’
‘No.’
‘So you dumped him.’
‘No! It was a mutual decision,’ I said, shifting in my chair. At this statement, everyone at the table looked at me.
‘All right! Not exactly mutual but it’s … complicated.’
‘Everything seems to be complicated with you.’ Joe rolled his eyes at me.
‘Leave her alone, Joe,’ Dan said. ‘Sometimes things are complicated.’
I threw Dan a grateful glance and made my excuses to leave the table, telling Mum to give me a shout when she wanted a hand clearing up. She told me not to worry tonight and that Joe would be helping her. Joe sighed without looking up and I left the house.
A little while later, a knock on the door was followed by Dan’s voice.
‘Oi. Grouchy Pants, can we come in?’
‘If you must.’
Claire and Dan grinned as they entered the room holding coffee mugs. Apollo bounded up the steps behind them and steered his body past to get into the warmth as soon as possible.
‘I guess you can come in too,’ I said to him as he went straight to the radiator, turned around three times, and curled up on the dog bed I’d put there.
Dan and Claire took a seat and cosied up on the sofa. I gave Claire a glance under my lashes.. She’d been looking pale and tired ever since I got home and I’d made a comment about it to Dan but he’d assured me she was OK. Knowing that this man would move the moon for her if she asked him, I took some comfort from this, but it didn’t stop me feeling a little concerned. She was still helping out at the shop although more than once I’d taken over a task from her, under protestation, and sent her home. Swamped in a jumper that looked big enough to fit her husband, Claire snuggled into him as she caught my eye and smiled.
‘We just wanted to check you were OK,’ she said.
I flapped a hand. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. Takes more than Joe’s particular brand of bluntness to upset me.’
Usually.
‘You know he doesn’t mean it,’ Dan said, giving his coffee a slurp.
‘I think he means what he says. He was just towards the back of the queue when tact was being handed out,’ I said, rolling my eyes. ‘Honestly, I’m all right. And to be fair, he does have a point. You lot have all managed to find the right person without too much drama. Even Joe’s found someone prepared to put up with him,’ I teased. ‘So I’m not sure what that says about me.’
‘He just wants to see you happy. Just has a funny way of showing it.’ Dan shrugged. ‘Besides, it’s not that people aren’t willing to put up with you, is it? So, don’t give me that.’
‘I don’t think my particular choices have helped. As far as Joe’s concerned, he could have had a sister married to an F1 driver and had free entry to races for life. And now with Cal … well, I know everyone’s very fond of him so hurting him like I apparently have was never going to go down well. I’m just hoping screaming hordes of women aren’t going to come storming into the shop to tar and feather me!’
Claire giggled and Dan smirked. ‘I should think they’re actually breathing a sigh of relief. So far as they’re concerned, Cal Martin is now back on the market again.’
I frowned at him. ‘He was never off the market.’
Dan tilted his head at me. ‘We all know he’s still very firmly taken. In his mind, anyway.’
Keeping my head turned away from them, I sat down next to Apollo and began slowly, rhythmically stroking his shiny, caramel fur, feeling my pulse calm with each pass. He gave a satisfied sigh and opened his eyes, checked that we were all still there, twitched his eyebrows a couple of times, and then drifted back off to sleep.
‘He’s not taken.’
‘Lex. I’ve never seen you happier than since you’ve been home, getting stuck into the shop – and getting to know Cal. Even with Marco. Don’t get me wrong. I like Marco, but there’s something different about you when you’re with Cal. And it’s good.’
‘All a bit late for that, unfortunately.’
‘It’s never too late,’ Claire’s quiet voice made me look up.
‘No, of course not,’ I replied hurriedly. ‘I didn’t mean with everything … I just meant with this. Me. Cal. That’s all.’ I’d never give up hope on these two finally having the child they so desperately wanted. It was a bond that had strengthened the tie between Dan and I, and forged a strong friendship between me and his wife.
‘I know what you meant, don’t worry.’ She laid her hand gently on my shoulder as I went back to stroking the dog. ‘But I’m not sure Cal’s quite as ready to give up on things as you are.’
I plopped back onto my bottom, leaving the dog snoring contentedly. ‘It’s not that I’m giving up on him.’
‘No. You’re giving up on yourself, which is almost worse.’
I gave her a look up through my lashes. ‘You know, I think I preferred it when you first started going out with Dan and would come here and not say two words.’
She grinned at me and for a moment, the tiredness went away, replaced by a radiance. ‘Very funny. But you’ve got a good point. It was scary to me coming into a big family like this, especially to someone who’d never had any brothers or sisters and didn’t have the best relationship with her parents either. You were already this tight family unit, and it was kind of terrifying to be launched into that. I worried that I’d feel the odd one out. That I wouldn’t get the in jokes, or might say the wrong thing.’
‘No. We tend to leave saying the wrong thing to Joe. He’s already so accomplished at it.’ Dan gave me a smirk.
‘Oh, don’t be mean. You said yourself – he’s just looking out for Lexi in his own way. But my point is that the thought of meeting everyone, learning how to be a part of a large family, was quite intimidating. I had moments of wondering whether I should break it off with Dan because, even though you were all so lovely and welcoming, it was difficult for me. That’s why I hardly ever spoke to start with. I’d be gripping Dan’s hand under the table so hard I’m surprised I didn’t break a finger.’
‘You did. I just never told you.’
Claire spun to face her husband and caught the gleam of the tease in his eyes. ‘Oh you!’ She laughed, batting him on the thigh.
‘Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that sometimes things are scary and you don’t know if they’re going to work out, but you do them anyway because the thought of not being with that person is far worse than anything else that could happen. I knew how important family is to Dan, and I was terrified I wouldn’t fit in, you wouldn’t like me, or a tonne of other possibilities I’d created in my mind. But I knew that somehow, we’d make it work. Whatever happened, we’d make it work. And we have. Even though we’ve had more challenges than we’d have liked, we still make it work because we know that together is where we are supposed to be.’
I sat for a moment and then launched myself at both of them, wrapping them in the biggest hug I could muster. ‘I love you both so much,’ I said, my words muffled by Dan’s shoulder, ‘but I’m not going to let you in again if you’re going to make me cry.’ The hug got tighter and Dan’s shoulder got a little damper.
‘Never give up on yourself, Lex,’ Claire whispered.
‘I’m not,’ I said, shaking my head against my brother’s arm, ‘I just don’t want to hurt them further down the line. And if it feels this awful after such a short time, what would it be like once I was completely in love with them both?’
‘Right. Because you’re not already …’
I pulled back and looked at Dan.
‘What?’
‘Lex. I held you when you were less than an hour old. I’ve been watching over you ever since and I know what makes you happy and what doesn’t. You once said that I didn’t seem excited about your wedding to Marco. It’s because I never saw the spark in you that I was looking for. I know what marriage and family means to you. I didn’t want you going into something that maybe wasn’t quite right for you.’
‘What spark? And how come you never said anything?’
‘The spark isn’t something you can explain. You just know when you see it. And I didn’t say anything directly, but believe me, I was keeping an eye on things.’
‘Right. Well I guess you were right,’ I sighed.
‘I didn’t want to be.’
‘I know. But do me a favour. If you see that elusive spark, whatever it is, give me a shout, won’t you?’
Dan stood and put a hand out to help Claire up, gathering their now empty mugs to take back to the main kitchen in the house.
‘I’ve already seen it, Lex. Everyone has.’