I craned my neck around Cal. Where the heck was our food? I desperately needed a distraction from those eyes and that body. I could see him looking at me as I kept my eyes on my wine glass. He knew I wasn’t as calm as I looked. Which in truth probably wasn’t very. He knew something was up, and somehow he also knew that trying to force it out of me was probably the worse thing he could do. I’d dated Marco for well over a year and he never did figure that out.
‘So, this car of yours we were talking about? Have you had a chance to do much work on it since you’ve been home?’
I shook my head, the relief of being back on a topic I was comfortable with obviously showing on my face, if the twitch of Cal’s dark brow was anything to go by.
‘No, unfortunately. Between helping out with the festival stuff, plus the upsurge in orders we’ve had since the shop got featured in that glossy mag, there just hasn’t been the time. It’s kind of crazy how much influence these things can have, isn’t it?’
He nodded as he took a sip from his mineral water.
‘When I have had the chance to do a bit, it’s been so damn cold in the barn. Like you said the other night, I’ve gone soft too.’
‘I don’t think anyone could accuse you of being soft, Lexi.’
I swallowed, accepting that. It was after all the face I’d been putting out to the world for most of my life. Acting like nothing bothered me. Only my family and close friends knew the truth.
‘Although I’m pretty sure that’s all a front. I don’t think anyone who’s as tough as you like to try and make out goes around mending teddy bears and taking care of people the way you do.’
‘That’s just being a nice person.’
‘No, I think it’s being a softie.’
My mouth made an “o” shape. ‘Don’t you dare go spreading rumours like that about me!’
He laughed and I felt it wrap itself around me, warm and comforting, just like the scarf I’d tied on George’s Bear the first time I’d met them.
‘What rumour? That you’re a marshmallow inside?’ His mouth was serious but there was humour in the eyes. That and a shadow of wariness.
‘Anyway, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to finish getting it ready to take Dad out in as a surprise at Christmas like I planned. I might have to think of something else and make that a birthday present.’ Although I knew that once I took this job, getting home was going to go back to being much more infrequent. It was easier to rent a flat nearer the factory so living at home, or even somewhere in the village, was going to involve a killer of a commute. Plus the travel abroad once the season kicked in. ‘To be honest, I might have to look into paying someone to do it. At least then Dad could take it out for me occasionally, get some use out of it instead of it sitting there looking sad and unloved.’
‘We could take it over to my workshop? I’ve just shipped out an order so I’ve got some space at the moment. It’s warm and dry and you can come and do stuff on it as and when you get the time. But if you’re OK with it, I can get the guys to do a bit of work on it too so that you meet your Christmas deadline.’
‘Oh, Cal, that’s really lovely of you. But I couldn’t ask –’
‘You didn’t ask,’ he pointed out. ‘I offered.’
‘Yes, but …’ It was a brilliant offer and really would help. But I didn’t feel right accepting it. I’d already got to know Cal’s generous nature first hand, and from what my family and friends had told me. I knew he’d end up doing a lot more than just provide a warm space to work. But Dad would be so thrilled to see his car restored back to glory again …
‘Whatever it is you’re thinking, don’t. There’s no caveat. I’m not expecting anything. It’s just a favour, and frankly, it hurts me to see that poor old thing sat there when it could be a real beauty.’
‘I know. It’s sad.’
‘Good. That’s decided then. I can send the truck over tomorrow. Do you want your dad to not know it’s happening? If so, just let me know when’s a good time.’
Oh God. He was so nice. What was I doing? I nodded, trying to keep the smile on my face but having the distinct feeling it was slipping. Cal’s eyes registered it all and I could see my own confusion reflected back at me.
‘Cal, I –’
With perfect timing, our food arrived, looking delicious, and the needs of my stomach overtook everything else. Some people couldn’t eat when they were nervous but not me. It could have been a hangover of my mum being the greatest at providing comforting, delicious food at such times. We’d all come home at various times, having fallen out with friends, broken up with girlfriends or boyfriends (although the latter, bearing in mind it was only me, was definitely more rare). Mum had always been there with a warming stew, and hunks of homemade bread, the smells encompassing us and the whole experience as much of a comforting hug as the ones Mum and Dad both gave us.
The food this evening was great – the local chef had been the recipient of several awards – but Mum’s comforting kitchen was hard to beat. Although, I had a feeling I might be taking advantage of that enough in the coming days.
Over dinner, the conversation turned to lighter subjects and I went between feeling relieved that I was getting to spend more time with Cal, and just wanting to get the conversation I knew I needed to have with him over and done with. It had been a long time since I’d felt so comfortable with a man like this, a man who actually remembered I was a woman, and certainly made me feel like one in a whole bunch of different ways.
And of course, there was little George. Family had always been important to me. Coming home had reminded just how much, and now here was this big, gorgeous man apparently willing to consider letting me be a part of his ready-made one. But the problem was that, from what he’d said the other night, there was every chance he might want more than that. More than I might ever be able to give him.
We’d had our desserts and now sat savouring the rich, dark coffee.
‘You know I’d never want do anything to hurt you or George, don’t you?’
Cal sat back, his stormy grey eyes fixing on me with an expression I couldn’t read. ‘That sounds ominous.’
I swallowed and didn’t quite meet his eyes.
‘I just …’ I cleared my throat a little and tried again. ‘I just don’t think us … seeing each other quite so often is such a good idea.’
The competent explanation of the situation I’d been forming completely disappeared from my head the moment Cal had fixed that look on me.
‘What’s going on, Lexi?’ Cal’s voice was soft and enquiring, and against my better judgement – but unable to stop myself – I raised my gaze to meet his.
‘I can’t do this,’ I said simply, swallowing hard to try and hold back the tears I could feel threatening.
‘Do what, exactly?’
‘You. Me. Us.’
‘I thought we’d agreed that there was no “us” in that sense of the word.’
‘There isn’t.’
‘OK. Then I’m confused.’
‘I can’t do this. I can’t be this close a friend with you.’
‘Did I do something?’ He looked genuinely concerned.
‘No.’ I let out a sad laugh. ‘God. No. Not at all. In fact, you’re very lovely.’
He spread his hands. ‘Still confused.’
I rubbed my hands over my face, remembering too late that I was wearing make-up and hoping that I didn’t now resemble Coco the Clown.
‘Is this anything to do with the gossip you mentioned earlier?’
‘Sort of. But not in the way you think.’
‘I’m not sure what I think right now. OK, but you have plenty of male friends, right?’
‘I do.’
‘But suddenly I’m an exception.’
He definitely was, but not in the way he was thinking.
‘In this case, yes.’
‘Right,’ he said, simply and took a sip of his water, unlocking his gaze for a moment. A muscle flickered in his jaw, giving away the fact that he wasn’t quite as collected as he seemed. I took the opportunity to take a few deep, calming breaths and to try and remember the cool, sensible reasoning I’d been planning throughout dessert to lay out to him by way of an explanation.
‘So. Is that it, or do I get some enlightenment as to this sudden change of heart?’
‘Cal, please don’t be upset.’
He gave me a look that told me I was on a losing track with that particular line of discussion.
‘It’s for the best, really.’
‘That’s still not an explanation.’
‘No … I know. I’m … I just think it’s better this way.’
‘That’s a repeat of what you just said, just in different words.’ His tone was tense and I could feel my neck aching as I reacted to the stress now flooding my body.
I let out a sigh. ‘I really like you, and I’m already head over heels for your son.’
Cal remained silent, but his expression showed the confusion my apparently contradictory statement caused.
‘The things you were talking about the other night. What you’re looking for in the future for you and George …’
Cal reached across and gently took hold of my hands, which at this point were busy screwing and unscrewing a napkin into a state of oblivion. ‘Oh, Lexi. That’s just a someday scenario.’ He gave me one of those devastatingly dangerous and incredibly sexy half-smiles. ‘This is clearly the downside of feeling able to tell you anything. There are obviously things I should keep to myself for a little longer.’
‘No. It’s not that. I think it is lovely that you felt you could say those things to me. In fact, it’s good to know that sort of stuff now. I mean, I guess you would be looking for that sort of thing eventually. Look at you! It’s hardly like you’re going to be hard up for dates. But no, it’s good to know things now before we’re both more …invested in the friendship.’
Cal sat up a little more, and removed his hands. He didn’t snatch them but there was a definite drawing away and I could hardly blame him. ‘I’m already invested and, stupidly, I thought you were too.’
‘I am, Cal. Please don’t be upset. I …’ Panic built inside me as I felt my chest tighten and tears begin to blur my vision. ‘I’m doing what I need to do for both of us. I’m not good at any of this stuff and I’ve tried to handle it like a normal person and it’s too hard, OK? I can’t do it. So I have to do it in my own way before anyone gets hurt.’
He flashed me a look and I knew I was already too late on that front. I could only hope that he didn’t feel anywhere near as awful as I did.
‘I think I deserve to know what I did, Lexi.’
‘I already told you – you didn’t do anything. It’s me.’
‘It’s not you, it’s me? Really? Surely we both deserve better than that.’
I gave him a glance under my lashes, feeling uncomfortable and miserable. It didn’t look like anyone was eavesdropping. Luckily, unlike some restaurants, the tables weren’t crammed together so that you couldn’t help but overhear conversations. But I still knew I needed to get out of here as soon as possible.
‘Please, Cal,’ I said, steeling myself. There was no way I was going to cry in the restaurant. We were still under the radar at the moment but that would put us firmly in the crosshairs. ‘As a friend, can you just accept that I can’t do this right now? It’s not right for me, and it’s definitely not right for you and George.’
‘Oh. So, we are still friends?’ His voice was low but his tone had more than a hint of sarcasm streaking through it.
‘Of course. If you can do that. It’d make things easier over Christmas at least. It’s hard not to bump into people in this village, especially at this time of the year and with the children being such good friends. I just can’t spend time with you. Like this.’ I knew it was a lame explanation, and glancing at Cal, he was obviously of the same opinion. ‘I really would like to be friends still but I can see it’s a big ask, judging by the look on your face right now, so I’ll just have to leave that decision up to you. Thanks for dinner.’ I began pulling my purse from my bag.
‘What are you doing?’ Cal asked.
‘Leaving some money for the bill.’
‘Don’t. I asked you to dinner and have no intention of using that money even if you leave it.’
‘Yes. But –’
‘I said I’ve got it, Lexi.’ His tone was definite.
I gave a brief nod and then left the table in as understated manner as possible. I was in no doubt the news that our whatever-people-had-labelled-it was already on the rocks would soon be round the village, but I was still prepared to do what I could in the meantime to avoid drawing any more attention. Not especially for my sake, but for Cal.
I was pretty sure most people in the village already thought I was kind of rubbish when it came to relationships. I’d had a couple of longer term relationships that had fizzled into nothing and more recently I’d been on the verge of today’s much sought after “celebrity lifestyle” and I’d chosen to hand it back.
There were still those in the village who couldn’t understand my choice. I knew that. There’d been sympathetic eyes and whispers that perhaps Marco had let his eye wander, and photographs of him hanging out with beautiful women at the races didn’t do anything but fan the flames. He’d thought it was amusing. It was one of many points we’d differed on by then.
I’d desperately wanted to dispel the rumours. Marco and I might not have been talking at that point, but I still hated that people might unjustifiably be thinking badly of him. The paparazzi had intruded into our relationship from the beginning and it had been overwhelming and a little scary. But the one thing Marco had taught me was to just ignore them. Never respond. They’d only twist what you said to make better copy anyway, he said, so I’d kept quiet and hated it.
All in all, my history just left people wondering what it was about me that meant I couldn’t seem to make things work when it came to relationships. My parents were still as happy as ever, and all my brothers had now married and settled. It was just me who couldn’t seem to get it all figured out. And now, once again, from the outside, all people would see was me stepping away from someone who seemed perfect. The trouble this time was that he seemed pretty damn perfect for me from the inside too. At least for the moment.
Cal remained at the table, his expression unreadable as I pushed my chair back. I turned and walked through the restaurant, stopping at the coat rack and lifting my long bottle-green wool coat off a peg. I missed the armhole on the first go, snagging it on the second attempt before starting on the second one.
‘Here, let me.’ Cal’s deep voice was behind me, and I felt him close by as he held my coat and guided my arm into it. His hands went to the belt that hung loose and then settled on my hips, turning me slowly to face him. He didn’t meet my eyes, instead focusing on the belt, ensuring the coat was wrapped around me before he tied and knotted the belt.
‘Too tight?’
I shook my head. Why did he have to follow me? I’d had the strength to walk away from the first man who had made me happy in the way I now knew I should feel. And now here he was. Way too close.
‘I have to –’
He wrapped his arms around me and moved, so that he could see my face. ‘Lexi, you’ve never seemed the complicated type.’
I shook my head. I really wasn’t. All that seemed like far too much effort to me. But I did have a past that I couldn’t help but let affect my future. It was all intertwined and always would be. Did that make me complicated?
‘I’m not. Really. I promise.’
‘I don’t know what’s going on with you but I want to, Lexi,’ Cal whispered, his eyes meeting mine and holding me as firmly as the hands that now rested on my waist. ‘I think we both know I want so much more than that.’
‘I can’t give you everything you want.’ My voice was supposed to come out controlled and calm. Instead there was a definite hint of wobble and it finally cracked on the last word.
Cal looked down at me, studying me almost, it seemed. ‘I don’t want to do this with an audience.’ He took my hand and led me out of the pub, giving the landlord a raised hand in acknowledgement as we left. The car park had been gritted but I kept my head down, concentrating on my steps in the heels that I wore. Cal unlocked the car and let me in before striding round the other side and turning over the engine. As he got in, he began pressing the buttons for the heated seats before reaching for my hands, which were folded on my lap.
‘Lexi. Even as a friend you’ve already given me more than I ever thought I’d find. Or ever allow myself to find. You’re beautiful, and intelligent and have the best comebacks I’ve ever heard. Plus you share my interests, not to mention having the complete adoration of my son. All that is so much more than I ever thought I’d find, and it’s more than enough. Whatever it is you think you’re lacking, you’re not. I care about you. Very much.’
‘I care about you too.’
‘So … that’s good then. And I definitely don’t think just giving up is the answer. We have the beginnings of something great here. I know that. And I think you do too.’
I nodded and a sad, heartbroken tear released itself down my cheek. Cal’s hand, warm and gentle, brushed it away.
‘Don’t cry, Lexi. Please. We’ll work it out.’
I carefully wrapped my fingers around his hand and lowered it from my cheek.
‘It’s not something that can be worked out, Cal. I’m sorry.’
He watched me for a moment, before sitting back in his seat.
‘There are few things that can’t be worked out. If people really want them.’
‘And what if the fact that you really want something is the actual problem?’
He caught my chin with the side of his finger. ‘That’s not a problem, so far as I can see.’
‘But that’s it. You don’t see. But you would in time.’
‘Lexi, I –’
‘I’ll be taking this job next year and I’d hardly see you. I’d hardly see George. How’s that going to go down?’
‘Then we’ll come up to you in holidays and stuff, and spend the evenings together. You’ll get some holidays. We’ll work it out. So far I’m not seeing anything insurmountable. And certainly nothing worth throwing a connection like this away over.’
‘Cal, I couldn’t make a relationship work when the man was right there beside me! How much more difficult is it going to be when I’m thousands of miles away half the time?’
‘It would be different. I’m not Marco Benoit, if that’s who you’re talking about.’
‘It’s not just him. I’m just not good at this stuff.’
‘Maybe because you never give it a chance? You’re running away before I’ve even got to ask you out properly this time!’
‘I have given it a chance. For God’s sake, I was going to marry Marco! Don’t you think that’s giving something a chance? I don’t want to go through that again! And I’m not prepared to put you or your son through something that’s avoidable.’
‘Like I said, I’m not Marco. And you should let me worry about what is and isn’t good for George.’ His jaw was set. However I’d seen this going once I’d realised what I needed to do, it wasn’t this way. I hadn’t expected Cal to try and fight for me.
‘You told Dan you’d like a family.’ I unloaded my biggest weapon.
‘I have George. And yes, in the future, I think it would be nice for him to have some siblings.’
‘I can’t give you that.’
‘Lexi –’ he shook his head ‘– I didn’t mean tomorrow. It was a definite “in the future possibly” scenario. We were just talking.’
‘There is no possibly for me. Well, very little chance anyway.’
Cal’s face was serious in the low light of the cloud-filtered moonlight through the car windows. ‘What do you mean?’
There was something about Cal that would have made it easy to tell him everything. That in itself was pretty unusual for me and my subconscious prodded me, rolling its eyes at me, knowing exactly what was going to happen, despite all the above.
‘I … nothing exactly. I just meant that … I kind of live a very peripatetic lifestyle and it doesn’t really leave a lot of space for … other things.’ I turned away from those searching eyes and drew some beads of window condensation together with my finger, hiding my face as Cal considered my vague answer. Glancing back I could tell he knew I was holding back but I prayed that, for now at least, he’d do an Elsa and just let it go.
But this was Cal Martin. The man who’d been kicked out on to the streets at eighteen, and built up a multimillion-pound business. The man who’d taken on a newborn baby and raised him into a wonderful, kind, funny child with very little help. Of course he wasn’t going to let it go. But I was exhausted and I didn’t want to do this any more.
‘I’d like to go home now. I can just call a taxi if –’
‘No. I’ll take you.’
I risked a look up at him as he reached over and turned the key. His neck muscles were corded with tension and his mouth was set in a line. I’d hurt him and I couldn’t even give him the whole explanation as to why. I was surprised he wasn’t just tossing me out into the cold, sleeting night.
We drove home in an atmosphere so thick you’d have needed a chainsaw to get through it, and I’d never been happier to see my little flat, the lamp I’d left on shining in the window, white fairy lights twinkling a pretty welcome.
‘Thank you,’ I said, my hand already pulling the catch.
‘Wait. I’ll get that,’ he said reaching for his own, but I was already half out of the car.
‘I …’ I looked back up. His hands were on the wheel, the muscles in them as tight as the rest of him. What did I say? What was there to say?
‘Thanks for the lift,’ I repeated, just for something to fill the silence.
He nodded briefly, keeping his eyes front. I deserved that. I’d broken a friendship, and rejected the possibility of having something more, all without giving the man in question any sort of decent explanation.
Tiny flakes of snow were just starting to drift lazily down as I ran up the stairs to my flat faster than I ever though I could move in heels. I didn’t turn as I got to the top. I didn’t want to see him drive off. Leaving. Instead I just ran inside, pushed the door closed, and leant on it. The low rumble of the engine idled for a few moments before taking the strain, and driving off. Waiting until I was safely back inside, he’d left, just as I’d wanted him to. The sound quickly got fainter and I felt like a piece of me had gone with it.
Sliding down the door, I wrapped my coat tighter around me, as though trying to warm away the misery I now felt in my very bones as I thought about the wonderful man and child I’d just successfully pushed away. It was what I wanted, wasn’t it? No more complications? Avoid the heartache – that had been the plan. So if it was such a great plan, why did I feel worse now than I ever had before?
I kicked off my shoes and slowly made my way over to my bed. Lying down, I felt tears tickle my ears as they ran horizontally down my temples. I sprawled out on my back and gave in to the knowledge that the fledgling life I’d started building here – with my family, friends, and with Cal and George – wasn’t meant to be. I should have learned by now.
The whole settling down thing wasn’t for me. I’d tried once before and it had ended painfully, not to mention publicly. What made me think this time would be any different? It wasn’t meant for me. It was meant for people like Giselle and Xander, Mum and Dad, and Dan and Claire. But the universe had other ideas for me apparently. Stick to what you’re best at, Lexi, it said. PS: this isn’t it.
I swallowed a hiccup and laid a hand on my aching ribs as the sobs subsided and I became aware of a scratching noise at the door. Rolling my legs over the side of the bed, I pulled myself up like a marionette that needed some serious restringing and padded over to the door, being careful to avoid even the minutest glance in the antique framed leaner mirror as I passed. I had a pretty good idea of just how awful I looked right now without adding definitive confirmation.
After unlocking the door, I peered out. Apollo was sat under the little porch roof staring up at me as fine snow fell silently around.
‘Hello, boy. In you come then.’ I opened the door enough for him to trot in and then closed it again, throwing the lock. Tiny flakes of snow glistened on the dog’s coat and I grabbed a towel to give him a little rub down. He made appreciative groans as I did his chin and his ears and, despite everything, I felt the faintest of smiles on my face. Resting my head against his, I sat on the floor inelegantly – one leg either side of Apollo’s warm, solid body – and cuddled him. With that innately possessed sense of knowing, the dog moved his head, resting it on my shoulder, and let out a sigh.
‘Yeah, me too, boy,’ I mumbled through the tears that were falling again. Tears for what I’d had and lost and for what I’d never have. For someone who’d spent much of her life determined not to cry in front of others, pretending everything was fine when actually all I wanted to do was bawl, I was most definitely making up for it tonight. I could get knocked flying by a Formula One car and have a bruise from ankle to hip and laugh it off, albeit somewhat painfully. But Cal Martin had left a wound I knew would take me a long time, if ever, to recover from.