Chapter 8
Ella
The nightmares last night hadn’t surprised me. I didn’t expect to escape unscathed. Seeing Slick again had not unexpectedly brought everything back. I’d woken with the covers wrapped around me, my body covered in sweat, and had run to the bathroom and retched, straining over the bowl with nothing to bring up.
I’d known it was wrong to contact him when I hadn’t yet begun starting to heal. Only the desperation and worry about my sister had driven me. What else could I have done? Go to the police with some vague notion someone might be hurting Jayden, when she could just be going through a rebellious stage? As her sister I see it only too well that there’s far more to it than that. But to anyone else she’d probably appear like a normal, grumpy teenage girl. I’m relieved Slick seemed to believe me, and enough to try to get his club involved.
Seeing him again though, well, my nightmares showed me I was paying the price.
I go through the motions of getting dressed, throwing anything on that comes to hand. I’m just making a coffee when the sound of a motorcycle coming up the street causes me to catch my breath. And when it stops outside my house, I put my hand to the wall. Is it him? I don’t want to see him. He might have brought news. And if he has, I can’t avoid talking to him. I need to hear anything he has to say for Jayden’s sake. I’ve started this now, and must follow it through.
My heart’s in my mouth when the knock comes at the door. And yes, it’s him, Slick, who’s standing in front of me once again. I take a deep breath, about to stand aside to let him pass, and then I notice there’s something different about him. Yesterday his cheeks had been reddened, his eyes narrowed, deep creases lined his forehead, and his mouth had been fixed in a scowl.
Today his brow is smooth as he gives a nod and his lips curl into a hesitant smile. “Gonna let me in, darlin’?”
Bemused by the transformation, and realising I’m standing with my mouth hanging open and my body blocking the doorway, I step out of the way. He puts a helmet on the side and tucks his sunglasses into his cut. When did he start wearing a helmet? His hands come out tentatively, hovering in the air for a moment, and then land on my biceps. My automatic reaction is jump free and back out of his reach.
His eyes narrow fast. “Can we talk, darlin’?”
“Have you news from the club? Are they going to help me?” If so, he can tell me and leave. It hurts too much to be this close to him, unable to prevent my body’s automatic reaction, my head fighting my mixed emotions, wanting him to draw me to him and wanting him to stay far away. As I wait for his answer, I wrap my arms around my body as though giving myself comfort.
Observing my every movement, he doesn’t keep me waiting and puts me out of my misery fast. I don’t think I knew how much I’d been counting on their assistance until he gives me his reply, a simple nod and a yes.
“Oh, thank God!” My hand covers my mouth as I gasp with relief that I’m no longer handling this alone.
“Mouse needs to speak with ya. Get what you know about Jayden and her habits.”
That seems fair enough.
He waves over toward the couch. “Sit with me, Ella. We need to talk.”
My nightmares have unsettled me, having been forced to relive that night in my dreams I don’t want to be close to any man today, especially a biker. What he needs to know I can tell him right here. “Just ask what Mouse needs to know. Then you can go.”
He shakes his head, still watching me carefully. “Naw, that’s between you and Mouse. He wants me to bring you to the club so he can sit down with ya. There’s somethin’ I need ya to know first.”
While I go cold at the thought of going back to the clubhouse, he ignores the escape route I offered him, brushing past me to take a seat. Realising he intends to stay, I close the door and turn around, for the first time noticing how tired he looks.
“Are you alright, Slick?” Now I’m concerned for him rather than me.
He shakes his head, the corners of his mouth turning down. “No, Ella, I’m not.”
As his hand smooths over his head, it seems to be trembling. He’s hurting. I tamp down my fears about visiting the club enough to ask, “What’s the matter, Slick?”
He looks at me with over-bright eyes, moisture making them glisten. “Heart and Crystal were involved in an accident on Saturday. We don’t know what happened, but they came off their bike. Crystal…” His voice breaks and he clears his throat before continuing, “Crystal didn’t make it, and it’s still touch and go for Heart.”
I gasp. Crystal was a good woman, lively and happy, and both of them adored their daughter. “Amy?” I ask, unable to think of the poor child losing her mom.
“Amy’s fine. Well, as much as she can be. Sam, that’s Drummer’s old lady—you wouldn’t have met her—she’s lookin’ after the kid. At least until we know what’s gonna happen with Heart.”
Drummer’s got an old lady? That must have happened fast. It’s only been a few months since I was last at the club.
My mind starts working. In a flash, I remember what it was like at the Satan’s Devils clubhouse. Things I’d blocked out which had been overshadowed by my experience with the Rock Demons. Old ladies and Amy, men laughing and fooling around. And then there’s Slick, now sitting in front of me, tears in his eyes as he tells me of the accident. Am I lumping them all in together just because they ride bikes? My hands go to my cheeks and I rub them. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes sense. My head starts to throb.
“Look, I know you don’t like the life or the club very much, but Mouse needs you there. I needed to tell ya about Crystal ‘cause you’d find out if you went. Another reason for you to hate us I expect.”
“I don’t hate the club, Slick.” My eyes widen, realising it’s true. I’m downright terrified of what they represent, but it doesn’t translate into animosity toward them. And it wouldn’t be Crystal’s death, while sad and unexpected, that would stop me going back to the club.
“No?” He looks at me and shakes his head. “I think you made it pretty clear that you do, darlin’.” He clasps his hands together and then looks down at them. “I can’t really blame ya. That day was fucked up. You were drugged, men killed. Fuck, we lost Adam. One fuck of a lot for a citizen like you to deal with.” He pauses then looks at me. “Guess I wasn’t thinkin’ that way at the time. Just saw you going as a kind of betrayal.”
I had left at the very worse time. I worry at my lip as I suddenly understand how much I’d hurt him.
“I hated you, Ella. As much as anything you’d hurt my pride. But I can’t hate you anymore. The life isn’t for you, I should never have claimed you. I got carried away. I thought I saw a strong woman, but maybe I was wrong.”
Now it’s my eyes that fill with tears, and I can no longer look at him. There’s so much pent up emotion inside I can’t stop it from coming out. I sink down on the couch beside him, my face falls into my hands as I start crying. Huge body wracking sobs that make him take me into his arms. Immediately I start fighting, struggling to get away, but he doesn’t let me loose. Automatically my hands clutch at his cut, but as I gulp in air the smell of leather and oil invade my senses, and it’s too much. My arms start flailing as panic overtakes me.
But he won’t let me go. As I continue struggling his arms tighten around me until I give up. As my tears flow he begins rocking me like a baby, holding me without speaking for as long as it takes. When my sobs begin to slow he starts murmuring quietly that everything’s going to be okay, when I know that it won’t. Nothing will ever be okay, ever again.
“Hush, darlin’. You don’t need to come to the club. I’ll get Mouse to come here. Don’t worry about it. We’ll sort out whatever the fuck’s up with your sister. Hush, don’t cry sweetheart. It will be alright.”
My fingers grip onto his leather. My mouth moves as words I never dreamed I’d utter aloud try to escape. I choke them back, not wanting to admit it, not understanding what triggers my confession, why what I’d kept buried so deep starts tumbling out. And once I say it, I know I’ll never be able to put it back in the box.
“They made me pull a train,” I cry out, surprising myself with my declaration. The secret I’d never admitted before.
He stills and goes silent. Under my touch I feel his muscles tense. It’s only a few seconds but feels like a lifetime before he spits out, “Fuckin’ what?”
Now that I’ve started there’s no point keeping anything back. “The Rock Demons… All their club. One after the other…” And then I’m crying again, howling in my anguish at my shocking admission. Sliding out of his arms I fall onto the floor, curling up into a ball. I’m shuddering and shaking. He tries to lift me and I scream, pushing him away. Like a physical pain the hurt goes right through me, the memories returning of things I’d tried to block out.
“Ella, Ella sweetheart. Oh fuck, Ella. Let me hold you, let me help you.”
The tears just won’t stop. I don’t know what’s happening to me, it’s hard to get my breath. It’s feels like I’m choking, as though I’m being strangled. I gasp and wheeze, my sobbing unstoppable. It goes on and on with no respite.
“Drum. I need Doc here, at Ella’s. Yeah, I’ll give you the address. She’s just told me the fuckin’ Rock Demons pulled a fuckin’ train on her.”
I’m barely able to hear him, but he sounds distraught.
I can’t stop bawling or shaking as though I’m having a fit. I curl up tighter when he touches me, flinching away. I hear wailing and I think it’s coming from me. My throat feels sore and I attempt to heave in breath with large gulps, unable to get sufficient air into my lungs.
I come round to find myself lying on my bed. My eyes seem glued shut but my hearing still works and the sound of voices speaking quietly reaches me. “The motherfuckers, Drum. I didn’t even fuckin’ know. She’s been livin’ with this and she never fuckin’ told me. No wonder she doesn’t like being touched.”
“They’re dead, Slick. We blew up the clubhouse with them in it.”
“Not all of them. Two of the fuckers escaped. I want to find out who they are. I want to kill them, Drum.”
“I hear ya, Slick. I hear ya.”
“How am I gonna make this fuckin’ right, Drum?”
“Doc, she gonna be okay?”
“I’ve given her a sedative. She’s gonna need help and counsellin’. Keeping somethin’ like that to herself? It’s probably been brewin’ a while, Slick. You comin’ back around probably brought it to a head. She’s got to start dealin’ with it. Keepin’ it hidden ain’t helpin’.”
Making more of an effort, I try again to open my eyes, remembering how I’d lost it. Raising my hand, I rub at the lids, knowing it’s my dried tears which are keeping them shut.
“Darlin’.”
At last I manage to get them open, and look up to see Slick hovering by my bed, his face looking blotchy as though he’s been crying himself.
He’s wearing a troubled expression and his hands are fluttering, “Darlin’, I wanna hold ya. I don’t know what the fuck to do.”
Pulling myself into a sitting position, I hold out my arms to him. In seconds he’s next to me on the bed, hugging me so tightly I can hardly breathe.
“Why didn’t ya say anything, Ella? Why didn’t ya tell us?” I glance over Slick’s shoulder to Drum, who’s also looking distressed, his hands worrying at his hair.
I need to give him an explanation. “I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to lock it away so I didn’t have to even think about it.” My voice sounds hoarse. “I’m sorry, Slick, so sorry.”
“You’ve got fuck all to be sorry about, darlin’.” As a sob escapes him, I know he’s sharing my pain. Right now, I don’t know if it helps, this strong man being reduced to tears on my behalf.
Doc puts his hand on my shoulder, making me glance up into his kind but worried eyes. “Ella, did you get yourself checked out? Those fuckers raped ya…”
Unable to meet his gaze, I glance quickly away. His question makes Slick tighten his hold. “Yeah. Once I’d healed I got tests done. I knew I had to do that. They didn’t all use condoms. I got treatment.” Yeah, they’d given me something. I hadn’t bothered to find out what.
The three men growl at my admission and the further information. Slick puts his hand under my chin, forcing my head up so I’m facing him. “We killed them all, Ella. You know that, don’t you?”
“What about the ones that got away? I heard what you said.” I can’t suppress a shudder at the thought of two of my rapists escaping.
“We’re going to hunt them down. Didn’t bother before now as they weren’t officers, but we’ll find out who they are, Ella, I promise you. And this time we’ll finish them off.”
“Make them hurt,” I whisper.
“We’ll do that alright,” Slick vows.
“You been strugglin’ with this, darlin’?”
I answer Doc. “Panic attacks, trouble sleeping. Nightmares. They were getting better…”
“Until I fuckin’ came back.” Slick jumps to his own conclusion.
“Slick, it’s not your fault.”
“Fuck, it is, Ella. I should have come after you. Talked to you. Found out why you ran.” Slick’s eyes are glistening. “Instead I left you to deal with it all on your own.”
“You need to see a doctor, get help, Ella. Maybe some anti-depressants and counsellin’.”
“Club will pay for whatever ya need.”
I nod at Drum to thank him. There’s only one thing I need, and that’s impossible. Slick wouldn’t want a woman terrified of sex. Involuntarily my fingers tighten on Slick’s cut again.
“I’ve gotta get back.” The prez sounds apologetic.
“I’m stayin’ here, Drum.”
I have to let go of the man I can’t have. “I’m alright now. You probably have stuff to do, Slick.”
“Not happenin’, darlin’. I’ll just see them out and I’ll be back, okay?”
He puts his hands on mine and reluctantly I release my hold on his cut. It’s only a couple of minutes before he’s back again. And as I feared, he wants to talk.
“Never stopped lovin’ ya.” His arms come around me and he shifts us so he’s leaning against the headboard and I’m half lying across his lap. Stroking his fingers through my hair, he continues while I’m trying to process his admission. “Thought I hated ya, but I was foolin’ myself. I want ya back as my ol’ lady.”
I pull away, turning my back, unable to look at the man that if circumstances were different, I’d give anything to be with. He loves me? But whether he does or he doesn’t, or whether he ever did, it makes no odds now. “I can’t pick up where we left off, Slick. I can’t be your old lady.”