Xander

 

I watch her walk away from me again and let out the breath trapped in my lungs. She’s right to be angry. Every right in the world. I can only imagine the pain that I have put her through. I’m just about to leave the throne room when I Dante’s voice breaks me from my reverie.

“She never stopped loving you, you know,” he declares.

He’s staring at me with a mix of pity and caring awash his face. I’m trying very hard to dislike him – and I do, but I also respect him. He’s a gentleman in a way that I can never be. Refined. Honest. He has integrity and spirit. He has a quiet strength that is firm and dependable. I can see why Addie would choose him – especially after me. Dante and I are the opposite in almost every way, and that is why, although I like him, I can’t tolerate him being near Addie. My jealousy just won’t allow it.

“Nor I her,” I growl lowly. “But I fear this time I have pushed her too far. She’s changed,” I say, unable to hide the accusation in my voice.

“Maybe, or maybe you just need to show her that what you two share is worth fighting for. Isn’t that what got you both into trouble time and time again?”

His wise words make me smile.

“She is more trouble than I have known in many lifetimes – and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“Then perhaps you should tell her that,” he offers.

I scrutinise his face. I don’t understand him, and increasingly, I don’t trust him – however, I know that is more my problem than anything to do with Dante. It’s the jealousy whispering in my ear again. I shake my head as if it might straighten out the jumble of thoughts in it. What kind of guy stands by and lets another man try and claim his wife?

“And you would stand aside and let me win her heart again?” I ask, shocked. I cannot say if our roles were reversed I would give Addie up so easily. Actually there is no freaking way I’d let him even within the Palace gates.

“She never loved me,” he says. “At least not in the way she loves you. I understand what it is to lose true love. It’s what bonded us; a mutual respect for the fact that our hearts were already buried along with our mates.”

“So you don’t love her either?” I ask incredulously. “How can you marry her knowing that? Addie deserves somebody who worships the ground she walks on, who would die to save her, who would burn without her,” I say, my passion rising.

“Addie deserves what Addie wants,” Dante says. “And you’re mistaking lust, desire and infatuation for something more meaningful. Maybe what you say is true for the bonding of soul mates, but it isn’t true for marriage. Marriage is something else entirely – especially for royals.  And don’t think for one minute that I don’t worship the ground Addie walks on. I respect her. I value her. I admire her. I want to be worthy of her. I would die for her in a heartbeat – but we are both older and wiser to know that all this wailing, burning with desire, perishing without touching crap is just that.”

As much as I hate to admit it, Dante has a point – a very good point and it makes me hate him just a little more and myself even more so. Now I feel like the stupid adolescent with some kind of crush on a woman. There is also something else in his declaration, respect, value, admire – if I’m honest with myself, how much of that have I shown to her over our time together?

“Addie is a good soul and has a pure heart –”

I scoff thinking prince charming doesn’t have a clue about the darkness that nestles in Addie. He’s put her on a pedestal. But he remains undeterred. 

“I know that if the situation was in reverse, would free me from any vow I had made, so I will do the same for her.”

I ring my face in my hands. I don’t understand what is between them. It’s not a version of love that I can translate. I don’t know what it means to be selfless like that. I was wrong to accuse him of not loving her earlier – he does. He loves her in an entirely different way to the way I do, but it’s love nevertheless.

“You do love her?” I say.

He shrugs but there is a blush on his cheeks. “Not as much as she deserves. Both of us were too broken to fall in love with each deeply – we’re both still healing. But I know that in the future, our love would have grown, become strong, knitting us together. We would have been happy. Now, all I want is for Addie to be happy. If that means stepping aside, then that’s what I will do.”

I nod my head in thanks and leave with the hope of catching up with Addie. I need to make her understand that all I did, I did for her. I know she will say she could have known the reasons behind what I did, but she was the biggest risk factor. For anyone else to believe I was dead, she had to believe it. Her grief was not something she could simply act.

It was the same with my brother. Coming back from the dead and having to face my brother was hard, knowing all he had sacrificed, knowing how he also loved my Addie, and knowing how much my death hurt him. I know it changed him. At first, I thought he might kill me at the sight of me. I learnt from my mistakes with him, and I won’t make the same with Addie.

They are both wrong if they think I didn’t care enough about them to trust them – it was precisely because I care about them so much that I had to protect them. Kaden has been by my side since I have returned, but I know that harm has been done to our brotherhood; it’s a harm I’m not sure can be rectified. My lack of faith in him, or at least, what he believes was my lack of faith has put a wedge between us.

No, with Addie it must be different. I need her to understand she really could not know, that I did it to keep her safe.

I had to track the Seven and eliminate any forces that might try to take her again. We could never rest until they were obliterated. We could never move on until they no longer posed a threat. We could never marry until… I thought I could trust Eolande to keep her word, how utterly wrong I was.

I stop mid stride when I hear Addie’s laughter. It’s followed by the delighted squeals of a child, who I assume must be Sophie. I walk out of the corridor and look out to the grounds where I see them playing together. Sophie is on Addie’s back and they’re pretending to jump and catch the lightning bugs, which hang in the dark night air.

Leaning against the doorway, I watch them, and my heart lightens. This child brings a new side out in the woman I love. It’s a side I have not seen before. Fun. Carefree. Playful. I realise then that all our times together were marred by a darkness hovering over us – that is why I had to destroy the Seven. To give her this. To give her peace. And it looks like it has cost me dearly. However, it’s a price I would pay a thousand times over now I see her cheeks flushing, and her eyes full of tender love and happiness. The unconditional love she has for the child shines out brighter than the moon. I am glad that from all of the darkness surrounding her, she found some light.

I watch them until the moon hangs high in the night sky before retreating back to her quarters to wait for her to return. There was no way I was going to interrupt her joy. I’ve done enough of that lately. I try to gather my thoughts; go over it all in my head on repeat. I try to think of the best things to say. How I can explain it to make her see. I really never meant to hurt her.

When I decided on this crazy scheme, I genuinely thought Kaden and Eolande would keep her safe for me. That they would make sure the Fae world didn’t catch up with her too quickly. It was clear that Eolande had different ideas – she was only too quick to bring her errant daughter back into the fold, to make her a full Fae princess and to destroy what we had together. There was no way that Eolande would ever have blessed a union between her daughter and a fallen. I know this now and I could kick myself for such foolishness. I have no idea why Eolande hates the fallen so much, or why she would risk her life to betray us both in such a way – I can’t believe this is just about bloodlines. Nobody is that bigoted, that full of hatred, that they would risk their own life – are they? But one thing for certain, I intend to find Eolande and have it out with her. I deserve an explanation to my face – and so does Addie.

I know Kaden and Dimitri are already working with the Fae and the wolves to track the Queen, she needs to be brought to justice.

In the time that I have been gone, I was entirely focused on finding the Seven, making sure that Cole really was gone from this world and the next. It was this focus that protected me from the pain of leaving Addie. If it slipped for more than a second, my heartache was excruciating – but I always had the belief that it was all for some greater good.

“Xander,” I turn as I hear her speak my name. She doesn’t look particularly happy to see me.

“Addie, can we talk? Please?” I plead, hoping she can see past the hurt she feels to let me properly explain everything. “I think you deserve an explanation.”

“Yes,” she sighs. “Come on in,” she says, breezing past me into the room. It feels strange how much distance is between us, even though she's stood right in front of me. I watch as she sends Sophie off to get ready for bed. The child looks at me with big suspicious eyes. I can tell that I frighten her a little. I can also tell that she is fiercely protective of Addie. She glances to Addie looking for reassurance and then looks back to me.

“Off you go, sweetie. I’ll be along in a minute or two to read you a story.

“This is weird,” she breathes, sitting down on the bed. “I missed you so much, and now you’re here in front of me, it feels like I don’t really know you at all. Seeing you filled me with relief and happiness, the overwhelming knowledge that you are alive.” I can see she is fighting back the tears. I don’t want her to cry. It breaks my heart when she cries.

“But?” I ask, not able to meet her eyes. I’m afraid. Me. The fearless warrior, the man who is frightened of nothing – except losing her. The weight of everything weighs heavily on me.

“But,” she begins, “Since then, all I’ve felt is a storm of confliction.”

“I am so sorry, Addie,” I say, kneeling in front of her. “I never wanted for us to be in this position.”

“So tell me exactly what happened. I need to know. Did you plan this all along?”

I shake my head. I can’t believe she could think me so callous. “I didn’t plan anything. I really did die, Addie – I just didn't stay dead. I still can’t explain why, or how I’m here. I’ve spent hours trying to work it all out, but I can’t. I wish I could and then maybe I could explain it to you and you would understand. You would be able to forgive me more easily. All I know is, I went home to Addatria. It was just as I remembered. It was beautiful. The colours seemed so much more vivid, the trees heavy with blossom, the sounds of the animals as they roamed freely to live at peace with us. The meadows full of flowers, and the sounds of children playing, happy and free. My mother and father were there, and I felt peace. The most peace I’ve felt in a thousand years. There was rain in the night, thundering against the windows, and amongst the noise of the torrential downpour, I thought I heard your voice through the darkness. You were calling out to me from a distance – it’s hard to explain. The next thing I knew, I was back in Kas’ compound and I was alone, wrapped in darkness.”

“So, you died, and you came back?” she says, pinching her eyebrows together as she tries to take in the information. “Then if you came back, why didn't you come back to me? Why didn’t you rescue me from the hell I’ve been through?”

“I wish I had, but you need to understand, I had no idea why I was back. What brought me back. I didn’t know… I didn’t know if I would do you more harm than good. I was frightened – not just for me, but for you. I didn’t know what I was. In truth, I’m still not sure. Kas found me and brought in Dimitri.”

She snorts at the sound of the others’ names. I can tell she feels that we have all conspired against her – and I guess she has a point.

“We honestly thought it would be best that I stayed hidden until we knew what had happened. But during that time, I also saw an opportunity for me to be able create a new life for us. Any enemies I may have had, thought I was dead. Can you see the power in that situation? Do you see how I could use that to clear the way for us to be safe – to be happy? I wanted to make sure any threats to you were nullified, so that when it was time, we could be together, in peace with no threats.”

“And did you?” she asks sharply. “Did you banish the dangers you thought would get between us?”

I nod. “I did. Cole is gone. I hunted down the Seven and I exterminated them. I even made a deal with your mother to make sure you would be protected while I had to do all of this.”

“While you had to do all of this? Had to? Are you freaking kidding me right now?” She says as she paces in front of me. I reach out and place my hands on her shoulders to still her, bring her close, but she pushes me away.

“Don't you dare try to comfort me right now. You didn’t have to do any of this. You could have come back to me, and we could have fought any dangers we faced together. I am not some weakling human child. I am the Reborn for goodness sake! Even if I don’t know exactly what that is BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME! You left me to deal with all of this on my own. Everything I am, everything I would be. And you left! Now we’re here, and I’m bound to another, because you thought you knew what was best. Because you couldn’t stop trying to take control of the situation – of us.”

“I am so sorry, Addie. I can see now I made completely the wrong decision. If I could take it back and change it, I would. I’d run back to you and take away all of the hurt. We’d face everything together. I’d trust you could handle everything the world would throw at us.”

“Ifs and buts mean nothing to me now, Xander. It’s all good and well that you’d change it, but the fact remains that you can’t. You don’t even know how you came back from the dead. It’s not just that I don’t know who you are any more, I don’t even know what you are.”

“I can’t know for sure, but I think me coming back has something to do with you and your power.”

“Of course, it is,” she exclaims, throwing her hands in the air, before slumping into a chair by the window, bringing her legs to her chest as a barrier between the two of us. “This is all on me. Of course, it is.”

“What can I do, Addie? Everything I say, everything I do, you throw it back at me. My heart is breaking here, Addie. Can you imagine what it is like when I have missed you every single day we’ve been apart, when I want nothing more than to feel you in my arms again, and I return to find you married to another man. A man who is clearly far more worthy of you than I am – but who I don’t think is right for you. Do you have any idea how hard it is just to keep breathing?”

“Yeah, I know something like that pain,” she says bitterly, dropping her head to her knees.

“Well, I’m not going anywhere, Addie,” I say. “We have time to figure this all out. I love you, Addie. I’m not giving up on that. I’m not giving up on us.”

“I don’t want you to. I want you right here with me,” she says. My heart dares to flare at her words. I thought she hated me, that she had shut me out of her heart, but she wants me here with her.

“I want you by my side, Xander. You just have to accept that it’s all just so much. I feel torn in two, and I don’t know how to overcome the conflict. I love you so much it hurts not to be near you, but seeing you reminds me that you lied to me. I close my eyes and I ache to see you, to feel you on me, and when I open them, it’s like living a nightmare. I see you, and I see that I gave up on you. I gave in to the pressures around me. I know I make no sense at all. You were dead. But I feel like I betrayed you, too and it cuts me all the way to my soul.”

“Addie,” I whisper, lifting her chin, my lips a breath away from hers. “You did no such thing. You loved me, and you mourned me. You did what you thought was best not for you but for your people. I can have nothing but admiration for that. The mess we’re in now isn’t your fault and I never want you to feel that way. I hold nothing against you. All I want is for us to get back to us. I want us to have the time and space to find each other again. I want to learn the new you, and get to know the new people in your life. You’ve been through so much, it would be stupid of me to think things haven’t changed, but the one thing that will never change is that my heart beats just for you.”

I take her lips wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close. She tastes just as sweet as I remember. It feels so long since I held her this close, and yet, it also feels as if she never left my arms. This is exactly where she belongs. With me.

A knock at her door interrupts us, and her breathlessness as she pulls back and rests her forehead on mine feeds the earlier hope in my heart.

“Come in,” Addie calls out, taking a step back from me.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Michael says from the door way, “but little Miss. Sophie wanted to come and say goodnight.” Sophie runs past his legs and throws herself at Addie. The love they feel for each other is so obvious. It warms my heart.

“Addieeeeeeeee,” the girl squeals as she hugs Addie tight. I smile inwardly at the joy radiating from them both. I look back at Michael, who watches them with the same amusement. In another life, Addie would have been an amazing mother, but being part Fae, part Fallen, I imagine that door is closed to her. The Fae struggle with conception; it’s part of their nature and biology – but at least she has this.

“Thank you for watching over her, Michael,” Addie says softly, look at him over Sophie’s shoulder. He waves her off with a small wave.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way. Celeste might mock me about being nothing more than a glorified babysitter–”

“—I’m not a baby,” Sophie says, her face scrunched up in to a scowl. “Celeste is silly.”

“Yes, yes she is,” Addie laughs before planting a kiss on the top of the little fierce girl’s head. “Now, I believe it’s time for bed.”

“Okay, Addie. I’ll go to bed.” She throws her arms around Addie’s neck once more and plants a big kiss on her cheek. “Addie?”

“Yes?”

“Will you make sure the Queen stays away tonight.”

Addie flashes me a look and she tenses. “What do you mean, sweetie? Did you see her?”

Sophie nods. “I thought I saw her last night. She scares me.”

Addie places her on the floor and squats down, taking both of Sophie’s hands in her own. “Where did you see her?” She asks.

“By the back halls, near the kitchen. She whispered with guards,” she says softly.

“Are you sure it wasn’t just a bad dream, Sophie?” I ask, unsure how the Queen could have got past all the surveillance we have put in place.

“I don’t think so,” she says innocently.

Addie nods to Michael.

“Come on poppet, Michael here is going to put you into bed. He’s going to stay outside your door until we have checked the Palace. You are absolutely, totally safe. Do you hear me?”

Addie nods. “Yes, Addie.”

I can see that the child is trying to brave, but the way her little teeth bite down into her bottom lip suggest she feels otherwise.

Addie walks Sophie over to Michael and asks, “Can you take our little bird to bed?”

There is an unspoken message passing between them. I can sense the tension in Addie from across the room.

“I’ll take leave to House Bane, and speak to my brother,” I tell Addie, taking her hand in mine. Sophie hugs my waist before skipping back to Michael. She has no idea as to the threat that is really out there. Oh, to be so young and innocent again. He takes her hand and they leave the room. Leaving us Addie and I alone again.

“We need to find her, Xander. I should be out there looking for my mother, too. I’m more use out there than I am here.”

She sighs, closing her eyes before leaning on me for a moment collecting herself. “I know I am needed here – to attendmy duties, to speak to the council, and work with Dante to break the oath we made, to keep a show of things running smoothly in light of all of the disruptions of late.”

“I’ll be right here with you. Every step of the way,” I tell her, trying to reassure her.

“Right now, I need you to leave me and go to Kaden. He needs to know my mother might not have fled as far as we thought. He needs to make it discreet – not some big search for a missing Queen. We don’t need any more Palace gossip getting out just yet. We need to carefully navigate the message the people hear,” she tells me.

It hits me how much she has changed. This is not the girl I trained with, and fought for. This woman is a Princess. She has become something new entirely.

“I will, and I promise you, now I’m here, I will help you learn all about your powers and who you are, too.”

“Thank you, Xander. Can you bring me word of Olivia and Elaihn, too? I want to be kept updated on everything. No more leaving me in the dark. Is that clear?”

“As you wish,” I say before leaving her. I stand just outside her door and hear her sink into her bed, giving out a heavy sigh. She may be perfecting the art of acting like a princess, but she’s still Addie underneath it all.

We might have yet another obstacle in our path, hell, it’s more like another collision course, but I don’t doubt that we can survive this, as we have everything else so far.