Nine

Xander

3 weeks later

 

I watch from the doorway as she paces back and forth, venting to Kaden. Since we brought her here to his safe house up in the mountains, she’s barely spoken to me or Dimitri. I almost understand it, all of this is our fault, and once again, Kaden is the only one who didn’t lie to her. I shake my head, no, this is my fault. All of this. The fact that she’s being persecuted again, the fact that she’s had to leave everyone else behind without a word to most of them. My biggest regret is that I didn’t tell her, I was trying to avoid exactly this, and all I’ve done is made a bigger mess. I’m losing her, I can feel it more every day and I feel helpless against it.

“If he doesn’t let me get word to them soon, Kaden, I’m just going to leave.” I hear her yell. I can even understand her anger. At least it’s better than indifference. It means she still feels something. I watch as Kaden tries to sooth her before heading over to them.

“Addie, Kaden. I’m about to leave, and we need to talk.” I say. Addie looks at me, and the pain in her eyes floors me so much it feels like all of the air has been sucked from my lungs.

“What else do you want?” She spits.

“Addie,” Kaden soothes.

“I wanted to know if you wanted me to pass on a message to Kellan, Sophie, or Dante.” I say, his name like chewing nails. The fact that she cares for him is my fault too, but all I can do now is try to fix it.

“You know I do, how much can I really tell them though?” She says, defeated.

“I will let them know you’re safe, and pass on your love.” I tell her, knowing it’s about as much as we can tell them. I have to keep my visit as under wraps as I can, god only knows what would happen if the council found her.

“Maybe I should just go back? I can’t believe I just abandoned them all. Kellan. Dante. But Sophie, god what must she think of me, I just ran away and left her there to deal with them and whatever they have in store. Maybe I should just go back and face the music and hope for the best. Maybe fighting isn’t always the answer. Maybe all I’m doing is fuelling their hatred towards me. I’m not showing them that they’re wrong about me, that they don’t know me. I feel like such a coward, like a child for just running scared.”

“Addie,” I sigh, “It’s too much of a risk.”

“Maybe,” Kaden says softly to her, “maybe that would put the rest of them at more risk. We know the council isn’t afraid of crossing lines to get what they want. They’re already hunting you, god knows what they’d do if they got you.”

I run my hand down my face, I’m glad Kaden is here because I have no idea how I’d get her to co-operate without him right now.

“What do you mean exactly by they’re actively hunting me?” She says quietly, like the calm before a storm

“Well shit,” I mutter under my breath, she glares at me before turning to Kaden.

“You didn’t tell her?” He says, barely containing his own disappointment and anger.

“What would it have helped? What difference would it have made?” I say, defending myself yet again.

“God, you’re such a dick!” Addie shouts. “You don’t get to choose that for me! You have no right.”

“Addie, what it means is they have people searching the towns for you. People you might know, people who support your ascension to the throne, they’re all being questioned, their houses searched. And those who aren’t being searched, are being poisoned against you. The council are trying to turn the people against you. Spreading lies, rumours to make them fear you. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s an effective tactic and it’s working. It’s not much right now, and it’s not widespread, but if we don’t change the narrative soon, or redirect what they’re saying. It’s not going to end well, even if we can get past the council.”

She shouts and curses, walking away from us both. I watch her back fade into the trees that surround the cabin, and I know she’ll be okay. Kaden won’t let her wonder far, and I have to leave. She might hate me right now, but I’m going to get us past this, and show her just why she loved me to begin with.

 

Addie

 

I watch as the brothers pace around the room. The silence fills the already tense space and it makes me even more edgy.

“Can one of you please say something?” I plead from my perch on the windowsill.

“I’m not sure what you want us to say Addie. The Fae council are out for blood. Yours.

“Although it might have seemed a little hot headed at the time, leaving when you did was a good idea. If you hadn’t, you’d probably be dead already. Now, other than raging a full-scale war against them, I’m not sure what we can do. They’ve used your absence, and the fact that most people have never come into contact with you to turn the tide of the public. They’ve made you the common enemy. An unknown entity. Someone to fear. Before I left we thought it was small, but its gained traction and the world out there is not kind right now. If we could show them that’s not who you are, then we might have a chance, but we can’t do that without putting you at risk,” Xander says.

The frustration is evident on his face as he runs his hands through his long locks.

“I hate to agree with my brother, Addie, but he is right,” Kaden says, slumping into a chair in the opposite corner of the room. “We’ve tried to fight for you behind closed doors, as has Kellan, but they’re starting to turn this into not just a fight against you, but against all Fallen. In many ways, it’s what they have been waiting for a lifetime. We need to be very careful that it is not us who look like we want to start another species war. It would only work in the Fae’s favour. You weren’t here when we fell. Life back then was not pretty.”

I shake my head in disbelief. The Fae’s desire to destroy the fallen doesn’t make any sense. They have integrated the Fallen into the fabric of their society. “But the Fae rely so heavily on the Fallen now, for security, their armies, their police. How could they possibly turn against you? Surely that’s just suicide.”

“When it comes to hate, people do not think with rational, logical reason. Often they follow the leader – a leader who knows how to manipulate the situation. One who can turn the Fae’s issues into the doing of the Fallen. There has long been a faction of the community who have resented the way that the Fallen have been integrated into the Fae world. Taking up positions of civil leadership and for many, taking too much power away from them. Your attachment to Xander – the very idea that he might have been close to being Prince, has added fuel to that fire. In their mind, the Royal family is a pure blood line – a pure Fae bloodline, and the idea of that being, in their terms, ‘polluted’ is enough to bring out all the crazies.”

“And that’s why so many of them hate me, too?” I ask.

Xander smiles weakly. He’s trying to find it in him to reassure me that everything will be alright, but it’s clear that he doesn’t think it’s going to be. my heart sinks.

“These things snowball downhill until they are out of control and we’re all heading in a direction none of us wanted,” he says.

I stand and make my way to the window, looking out over the woods in the direction of home. ‘Home’, I still haven’t gotten my head fully wrapped around that yet – and now, maybe I don’t have to. Isn’t home somewhere you are meant to feel safe – wanted. “If the alternative is war, then I guess I need to go back and hand myself over to them. I can’t have the blood of innocents on my hands.”

“No,” they say in unison.

“Absolutely not,” Kaden adds.

“That’s not the only reason for me to go back,” I say, trying to hide the choke in my throat. “Sophie is still there – I left her behind.”

I can’t make it to the end of my confession without breaking. Tears flow down my cheeks. “I left her behind,” I repeat, looking at Kaden and Xander who are fidgeting nervously.

“She’s with Michael. Calm yourself, Addie – there’s no way that Michael would let any harm come to her. He’ll protect her with all of himself.”

Michael is a strong warrior. In many ways he is equal to Xander, and when it comes to thinking things through, perhaps a little stronger. Xander is right. Sophie is safe with Michael but I still feel I need to go back. I’ve never been one to run away from a fight. 

I shake my head. “I refuse to be the reason they declare war against all Fallen; against so many I hold dear. People I love are already in danger, scared for their lives in case their very existence is used as a weapon against me. If either of you have a better idea, I’m all ears, but if not, then the decision is made. I’m going to go back and fight them,” I tell them, trying to swallow the lump in throat and accept my fate. Deciding to die isn’t easy. It flies in the face of every instinct – but when it comes to saving the ones you love, suddenly, the decision isn’t quite as hard. The idea of being held captive again fills me with more fear. There are still many nights that memories of my captivity at Cole’s hands come flooding back. There are still nights that I scream out into the darkness. Even now, the manifestation of his name in my thoughts makes my stomach roll. I have suffered unending pain and torture for nothing other than being who I am – and now it doesn’t look as if my suffering will end. My thoughts turn to Dante and to the life that had been so close to my grasp. Then Xander returned and, like the coming of the storm, my world tore apart and everything fell through the gaps.

If anyone ever thought being the Reborn would be fun or easy, they were sorely wrong. Being hated just for being is the worst fate I can think of.

“We will think of something,” Xander says before leaving the room.

He has a habit of doing this – of leaving, I think bitterly.

Kaden sits, his mind almost audible as it thinks. “I have another idea,” he says. “But, it’s not one he would like – and it certainly won’t win you any hearts.”

I do not like the look of his eyes as he says this. I know that what he is about to suggest is something dark, and the darkness has never been the natural environment for Kaden.

“Go on,” I say, not really wanting him to go on at all. He shifts uncomfortably and stands.

“I think you need to raise enough fear, that no-one would dare stand against you. I think that you need to embrace your power and own it,” he says before falling silent.

He’s waiting for a reaction but I give none. I need to hear him out. My natural instinct is to protest at such an idea. After all, I’ve spent the last few months trying to convince the people I shall one day rule, that I am not a threat. That I am not to be feared. That my rule will be gentle and strong through grace – but… that’s not how the world is. They have made sure of that. Kaden has a point.

“You could embrace who you are – who you really are.”

I begin to shake my head before I can stop myself.

“You’d still be the Addie that we love. You are the Addie that we love – both the light and the dark. You could never be evil, Addie. Your darkness doesn’t have to be a negative force on the universe. It’s a gift. You alone have the power to give and take life from the Fae. It is almost impossible for them to die, same as it is for the Fallen, but you’ve proven time and again that for you, the impossible is possible.”

“I can’t just exterminate everybody who gets in my way. That would make me nothing more than a dictator. That would make me evil, Kaden.”

“Okay, so eliminating those who oppose you is the way dictatorships are created, but that doesn’t have to be where this ends. It could just be the means to resolve your current problem – and then you’d be free to build the world that you know is the right world.”

I close my eyes against the idea. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to think like that. “I think if I do as you suggest, it will just prove that those who think I shouldn’t exist are right?” I argue. “It plays right into their hands.”

Kaden stands and paces towards the window. I’m surprised by the intensity of his emotions. Something is drawing me to him, to offer him comfort, consolation – something else… I shake the thought away. My feelings for Kaden are a tangled web. Instead, I brace myself against the floor and try to control my breathing, which has pitched wildly out of control with a rising anxiety.

“Addie, you and I have been through a lot. More than most people in a lifetime. Good and bad. I don’t give a shit what people think. I want you alive and I want you safe. You mean more to me than almost anyone else in my entire existence. If a few deaths are necessary to keep you safe, I’m happy to blur those lines and be the bad guy.”

I don’t know how I came to be standing behind him, my body just inches from his. I can feel his heat soaking through the fabric of my clothes and bathing my flesh. He turns, as surprised to find me where I am as he is.

His fingers graze my cheek and his eyes are screaming devotion. They’re praying for me to relent. For me to do as he asks. He’s making the promise that he’ll take my hand and jump over the void with me.

“Kaden,” I say, my voice cracking.

The spell is broken and he rushes past me, leaving a draft in his wake. The door slams behind him.

I sit in the window seat. I’m alone, with no better idea of what to do, and no less confused than when this day started. I lift my head at the sound of more voices downstairs and try to strain my ears to make sense of the noises. It’s no use as they are just too far away. My feet take me down the stairs. My curiosity piqued.

It doesn’t take me long to work out that it’s Xander, although his voice is strangely altered from the way he is trying to lower it. “We can’t let her know they have them. She’ll completely lose her shit. It’s not as if they’re technically locked up, or imprisoned.”

“What’s Kaden doing about it?” Dimitri asks.

"From the message I got from Michael, the King has all but given up, and Sophie is kept mainly in her room at the Palace. If we tell Addie, she’ll only do something rash, and that won’t help anyone.”

“You would keep this from her? Do you have a death wish? If she finds out, she’ll kill you. It’s not like you’re particularly in her good books right now – what with…”

“She mustn’t know.”

“Xander, I’m sorry, but I think you’re wrong in this. If she finds out Sophie and Kellan have been arrested for treason, and she finds out we kept it from her… We can’t do that. We owe her more than that. Look at what happened last time we kept things from her. It got us nowhere but trouble,” Kaden argues. “I’m really not happy that we’re even discussing the possibility.”

“I’ve made my decision,” Xander growls. “We keep this to ourselves until we have more information. They will try to kill her if she goes back – and despite her powers, I am not arrogant enough to think they don’t have the means.”

I stand straight and move backwards back up the stairs. The anger burning in the pit of my stomach rages high. How dare he try to keep it from me. A stupid, disillusioned notion that he is keeping me safe when Sophie and Kellan are in danger! This isn’t about my safety. It’s Xander needing to be in control over the situation – over me. He thinks I’ll just go straight in there like a child and get myself killed – but the fact of it is, I’m an adult. I have chosen my responsibilities. I have chosen my family, and I can make the rational decision to give myself up to save them if I need to. That is my choice to make.

As any of them would.

I will not be the sort of person who sits back while others are punished in my stead.

 

***

 

I wait until dark, when the house is quiet, and Xander sleeps soundly on the sofa by the door. He had tried to come to my bed, and how I had wanted to say yes – to feel the strength of his arms wrapped around me, to feel his hot breath on my skin, to feel his fingers running through my hair and his lips crushing mine. I’d wanted it so badly that the ache between my thighs was almost maddening – but despite my lust, there was something stopping me from saying yes. Some wall I had built whilst he has been gone. Some wall that Dante had helped me build. Xander had quietly raged, but he had not pushed the matter. He knew. And now, I am pleased for it. I am pleased that I kept him from my bed because it makes going against him easier.

I’ve wrestled with my choices all night. I went through dinner and pleasantries pretending I was blissfully unaware of what they knew. I almost choked with silent rage.

I know that when they wake, they will be angry and worried to discover me gone, but I can’t just lay here safe, guarded by the those who would lay down their lives for me, while others suffer god knows what fate because of me. I wouldn’t be the person Xander fell in love with if I did nothing, and so I wrap that thought around me to comfort me as I slide out from room, and take one last look on his beautiful, hard face.

I pad out of the room, stopping to dress when I’m outside. I couldn’t risk disturbing him. Dressing takes longer than I’d hoped and the buttons aren’t easy in the dark, but before I know it, I’m down the stairs and heading towards my destiny. I don’t know if Dimitri is still here, so I make my way through the house slowly, making sure I’m completely alone. Whatever I am about to face, I know it needs to be this way. I need to face my destiny one on one. I open the back door quietly, closing it quickly behind me before taking off on the wooded path to the opening where I’ll be able to take flight. The thought of stretching my wings exhilarates me in a way I haven’t previously dared to acknowledge.

“I knew you’d go.”

I jump, but manage to contain the scream that scratches at the back of my throat as Kaden steps out from the treeline.

“God dammit, Kaden! You scared the life out of me.”

“I’m not sorry.”

“How did you know I’d be here?”

“You’re not as stealthy as you think. I saw you retreat earlier when Xander, Dimitri and I were talking."

“You were there? I didn’t hear you.”

“I had nothing to add to the conversation – or rather Xanders directive.

“It was only a glimpse, but I knew it was you. I’d know you if I were blind.”

“Kaden…” I begin.

“Don’t. I know why you’re going, and you know I didn’t want to keep it from you. I’m not going to stop you. Saving them by sacrificing yourself for them is in your very nature. It would be like trying to stop a hurricane. I’d ask you to be safe, but doing this means you won’t be safe. They will probably sentence you to death just for breathing. Are you ready for that?”

“If that’s what it comes to. I’ll try to find a way out. I’ll work something out – and if I don’t,” I shrug. “What the matter. I will not allow my father, or my beautiful little girl to pay a price that isn’t theirs.”

“I know,” he says, pulling me close. “But I need you to know, I’m not ready for this: I’m not ready to let you go – and neither is Xander. Please, just try to stay alive. Promise me. Promise us.”

And there it is. That intricate, crazy tie that weaves between the three of us and binds us. I wonder if I should kiss him goodbye. Who would that betray. Xander? Dante? Myself?

“I swear it,” I whisper. There’s a moment, a moment where we are both making a choice, and then it passes. He squeezes me before letting me go.

“You had better go before anyone wakes up to discover you’re gone. There isn’t long until the sun rises, and my brother never sleeps for long.”

“Thank you, Kaden.”

“Please don’t thank me for letting you go, Addie,” he says before turning and walking away from me.

I look into the darkness of the trees and steady my mind. I wasn’t ready for that, but I’m ready for this. I swore I would protect Sophie against the world, and I’ve already failed her once. I won’t do it again.