Haley

I leaned my forearms on the steering wheel and rested my head against them. I was exhausted—physically tired from a long day of training and emotionally wrung out after even longer nights of tossing and turning with little to no sleep.

I'd spent the weekend alone at the loft with no word from the guys, and I wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad that they'd honored my request for space. I knew they were upset, hurt, concerned, and I couldn't blame them. For the past week, I’d persisted in pushing them away, questioning every decision I'd made, from returning to Santa Cruz to kissing Knox at the zoo. I was spiraling out of control, frozen in time without a clear path forward.

My phone chimed with an incoming text message, and I debated whether to even look at it. With a labored sigh, I relented, surprisingly relieved when I saw it was from Jess. An image of an adorable puppy appeared on the screen before another message came through.

Jessica: I really, really want to adopt her. Please tell me it's a terrible idea.

I laughed to myself, feeling better than I had in days. What was it about a fluffy, white puppy that could make the world seem brighter?

Me: She is so freaking cute. How can you resist that little face? I think she’s even smiling.

Jessica: So not helping, Hales! Between a full class load and volunteering at the shelter, I'm never home.

Me: You and me both. But, I get it. I would love to adopt a dog.

Jessica: *sigh* One day. At least you have Penny.

Me: True. She's such a sweetheart.

Jessica: How are you? How are the boys?

My fingers froze, poised over the screen as I debated my response. My relationship with Jess had improved since her visit, but not to the point that I was ready to share my current woes. So, I did what I apparently did best—avoided the real issue.

Me: They loved the zip-line tour. Thanks again for suggesting it!

Jessica: Awesome!

Jessica: Crap. Scratch got out of his cage again. I have to go. Talk soon?

Me: Sounds great!

I turned the heater in the Jeep to full blast and kept the radio low as I drove through traffic. It was past rush hour, but the rain seemed to turn everyone on the road into terrible drivers, and it took longer than normal to get home. Intending to sneak into my room unnoticed, I knew I was busted the moment Theo rounded the corner at the end of the hall.

“Come join us, señorita bonita.” His wide smile was cheerful, overly so, making me wonder what he was up to.

Sounds emanated from the kitchen, and a delicious medley of spices wafted through the air. It seemed that the guys had gone ahead with Taco Tuesday even though I'd canceled it.

Reluctantly, I deposited my tote in my room and trudged down the hallway. I wasn't prepared for the sight that met my eyes—every single one of the guys was in the kitchen helping prepare dinner. Theo washed some cilantro, Chase flipped tortillas at the stove, Liam sliced the meat to perfection, Jackson sautéed vegetables, and even Knox was preparing guacamole, mashing the avocados to a pulp. Liam went over to him and lifted the fork from his hands, setting it aside before he pulverized the bowl as well.

They all paused in their tasks when I entered, taking a moment to greet me. Despite how I'd behaved the past week, they appeared genuinely happy to see me. Feeling uncomfortable from the attention, I was thankful when they resumed their dinner preparations. Well, everyone but Knox returned to their tasks, since Liam shooed him out of the kitchen, insisting he set the table instead.

“I thought we canceled Taco Tuesday?” I said to no one in particular.

“No, you canceled Taco Tuesday,” Knox grumbled, placing the silverware on the table with unnecessary force.

Theo shot him a dirty look before flashing me a brilliant smile. “We know it can be a lot to cook after a long day at work, so we stepped in to ensure the tradition was upheld.” He added sliced limes to a bowl before fussing over the salsa and guacamole. “Though Liam insisted on fajitas, which makes it Fajita Tuesday.”

“What can I get you? Margarita, agua, cerveza?” Liam made it sound like we were at a fiesta on the beach instead of the loft on a dark, dreary night.

“I'll stick with water, thanks.”

Feeling uneasy, I took a seat at one of the barstools and Liam brought me a bottle of Topo Chico. He sidled up next to me, margarita in hand. “How was your day, gorgeous?”

“Fine,” I said, slumping in my stool. “Long.”

It had been unseasonably cold and rainy, and all I wanted to do was take a hot shower, then curl up in bed with a book. Instead, the guys were forcing me to interact with them, and I knew it was because they were fed up with my sulking. Apparently, there was an expiration date on giving someone space.

“I've missed you.” He brushed a hair away from my face before cupping my cheek. I closed my eyes briefly, trying to block out the conflicted emotions swirling through me. Unable to handle his nearness, I pulled away and tried to ignore the hurt that flashed through his eyes.

When Jackson announced that dinner was ready, I scrambled to the table, taking a seat at the end. I was genuinely impressed by the meal and its presentation, especially knowing that the guys didn't usually go to such lengths. They wouldn't let me off the hook until I at least ate something, so I added a tortilla to my plate and topped it with chicken and vegetables, shredded cheese, and a spoonful of guacamole.

“How do you like working with Kenneth?” Jackson asked just after I'd taken a large bite.

I finished chewing, then responded. “He can be . . . demanding.”

“The course is wrapping up soon, right?”

I nodded, thinking of how relieved I would be once I’d finished the final assignment. It was quickly approaching, and I hoped I was prepared. Knowing Kenneth, it wouldn’t be easy, and there were sure to be unexpected surprises.

“How's the Dashwood assignment?” I wanted to keep him talking, rushing to finish my dinner so I could escape to my room as soon as possible.

“Moving along. Thanks again for the suggestions. We already incorporated them.”

“That's great.” I crammed down the rest of my fajita while Chase, Knox, and Theo talked about basketball.

“Well,” I said as I pushed away from the table and stood, “thank you for dinner.”

“Haley, please . . .” Jackson pleaded, causing me to pause my hasty retreat. He seemed so vulnerable, his cerulean eyes swirling with emotion. “Please don't go, not without talking to us first.”

All other conversation stopped, and everyone turned to us, awaiting my response. I bit my lip and stared at my empty plate. “I can't do this right now.”

“Have somewhere better to be?” Knox challenged from the other end of the table. He took a sip of his beer, and it was then that I saw the exhaustion, the weariness, etched into his face.

Resigned, I sank into my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. “Fine. Let's get this over with.” Theo's face twisted with disappointment, and I didn't dare look at the others.

Jackson took my hand in his. “Are you upset about the rumors, or is there something more going on?” I furrowed my brow, and he must have taken it as a sign to continue. “Is someone threatening you? Or your dad?”

I shook my head, finally comprehending his train of thought. The last time I'd freaked out and left, I hadn't told the guys about Gerald Douglas's threats. “No. No threats beside the obvious one.”

He nodded, understanding that I was referring to Vincent DuBois, the man who would stop at nothing to keep my dad silent about his criminal activities. Still, DuBois wasn't an immediate threat, at least not now that my dad was under Zenith's protection.

“Why don't you tell us why you're so upset about the rumors, then,” he coaxed.

I sighed heavily and tried to tamp down my anger, anger that was mostly directed at myself. “I'd assume that was fairly obvious, considering the fact that your names are being dragged through the mud. Because of me.” I jabbed a finger into my chest. “Because of the choices I made.”

“The choices we made,” Jackson said. “Choices that we aren't required to defend to anyone else.”

“So, it doesn't bother you that everyone at Zenith is more focused on my love life than your ability to perform your job?”

I directed my question at the table, but it was Knox who answered. “You honestly think I care that Cindy in accounting thinks I'm sleeping with my best friend's girlfriend? Or that Doris sneers at me every chance she gets?” he asked, nearly wilting me with his intense gaze.

Theo waved a hand dismissively through the air. “It's temporary. Once the next juicy story breaks, they'll move on. Just like they did after Ethangate and The Elites debacle.”

“And what if they learn the truth about our relationship? Will you feel differently?”

Five voices answered with a resounding “no.”

I shook my head, realizing for the first time that they were blinded when it came to me. Seeing the potential damage to their reputations, their careers, had removed my rose-colored glasses. Maybe I needed to do the same for them.

“I know how hard you've worked individually and as a group. I will not let you throw that away for me.”

“Our track record speaks for itself,” Jackson said confidently. “People can talk, but it's just that.”

I shook my head, unconvinced. “This goes deeper than public opinion. My presence affects the team negatively.”

Jackson scowled, and I could see the faces of the others were just as pissed, but I pressed on. “Jaguar has consistently been one of Zenith's top-performing teams. Let's consider what's happened since my arrival. Ethan left the team and joined a band of rogues. Jax was shot. And, now, everyone thinks you've let a woman screw with you.”

“Don't you dare take all the blame, Haley.” Knox's voice was laced with anger.

“Why shouldn't I? Even you couldn't completely deny my role in Ethan's departure from the team.”

Chase's head whipped between us. “What are you talking about?”

I'd already gone this far. Why not put it all out there? Chase deserved to know, even if it was too late to change the result. Maybe then they would finally realize how destructive I was to the group.

“Right before Ethan filed his paperwork to leave the team, he told me he wanted to be together, and I rejected him. Had I not done so, he might have stayed in Santa Cruz. He might have stayed with the team.”

Liam threw his head back and laughed, while Theo took a moment to process my latest revelation. Since Jackson didn't visibly react, I assumed Knox had already told him. I waited for Chase's reaction, watching as his expression morphed from one of surprise to determination.

“Ethan had issues with the team well before you came along. I ignored them, not wanting to admit there was a problem. His leaving was not your fault.” Chase's voice was full of steel, his eyes never straying from mine.

“Wait,” Liam said, more somber now, “is that the real reason why you vanished last spring?”

“In addition to Douglas's blackmail, yes. I was a danger to the team then, and I am one now. I threaten everything you value—your jobs, your reputations, and most importantly, your relationships with each other.”

“You failed to mention something.” Jackson paused, ensuring he had my full attention. “You, Haley. I think I speak for all of us when I say that you are important to us. More important than anything else.”

Knox, Theo, Liam, and Chase nodded in agreement, and my heart wanted to accept what they said, but my head fought it. I'd been ruled by my emotions for so long, I needed to let logic stay in control this once.

I toyed with the napkin in my lap, crumpling and smoothing the paper between my fingers. “Maybe I shouldn't be.” A lone tear fell down my cheek before I hastily wiped it away.

Liam came to stand behind me, rubbing my shoulders, trying to ease the tension. “Please don't cry, gorgeous.”

“Haley,” Jackson said, drawing my attention. “I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that it's not the rumors at work that are really bothering you. It's what they represent, and what it means going forward.”

I gaped at him, stunned by his perceptiveness. I should've known that Jackson, out of everyone, would have seen through my fears to the heart of the matter. He always saw too much.

“Yeah, I’m concerned about the future. If we continue down the path we're on, the rumors at Zenith will be a drop in the bucket. We will always be on the receiving end of curious stares and rude remarks. Can any of you honestly tell me that's what you want?”

“We want you,” Liam said as he returned to his seat. “Everyone else can sod off.”

“Does 'everyone else' include Chase's gran? My dad?” I asked, finally voicing some of my biggest concerns. “What are we going to do—cut anyone out of our lives who doesn't support us? Who will remain?”

“Patrick, Kara.” Theo nodded enthusiastically. “Jessica.”

I snorted, and Knox glared at me, willing me to stay silent on the matter. Theo glanced between us, confusion marring his face. “Is there something I don't know?”

May as well rip this Band-Aid off now, too. “When I finally worked up the courage to tell Jess I was dating the five of you, we got into a huge fight. She told me I'd gone off the deep end, and we didn't talk for weeks. Even after she apologized, she confessed that she was concerned I'd been coerced into the relationship.”

Everyone around the table fell silent, and five stunned faces stared back at me. Well, Knox wasn't stunned as much as livid, and I wasn't sure who he was angrier at—Jess or me. I'd never given him the full rundown on what happened when she came to Santa Cruz.

“So, when she visited . . .” Theo paused, the pieces falling into place as understanding dawned on him. “I knew it seemed weird that you spent so much of my graduation party apart. Why didn't you tell me?”

I shrugged. “You were so excited, I didn't have the heart to.”

Theo made a strangled noise. “Haley, you can tell me anything. You should know that by now.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “I can't believe you still don't trust me.”

Piece by piece, my heart was being ripped to shreds, and it was my own fault—for keeping secrets, for being selfish. “This isn't about trust. I thought I was doing what was best.”

“Maybe you should ask us what we want, instead of assuming you know what's best,” Knox said.

“That's ironic, coming from you.” I thought of all the times he'd made a decision for me without consulting me first.

“You want to talk about what's ironic?” he asked with a sneer. “Because I find it ironic that at the first sign of trouble, when you should be running to us, you run away from us. It’s what you do . . . you run. I'm honestly not sure why I expected this time to be any different.”

While the rational part of me could admit that there was some truth to Knox's words, his tone cut to my core. Maybe I'd pushed him too far, pushed him away one too many times.

“I'm not running,” I said defiantly. “I'm not,” I reiterated when his expression remained stoic.

“Maybe not physically.” Knox crossed his arms over his chest. “You've brushed us off the entire week, canceling plans, making excuses. Enough.”

“So, that's it, huh? You've had enough, and I'm just supposed to what . . . obey?”

“Not obey.” He swiped a hand over his face. “Fuck. You refused to talk to me all week and suddenly you're twisting my words.”

“Then why don’t you enlighten me, because all you've done so far this evening is grumble.”

“You're pushing us away, and I fucking hate it. I love you, Haley, and you know I would overcome any obstacle to be with you.”

“I know,” I said softly, ignoring the curious stares of the others. “But you've already dealt with enough in your life, and I don't want you to endure more on my account.”

“That's not your choice to make.” His emerald eyes met mine, his jaw set.

My stomach rolled, and I could feel the tears building. “I don't know if I can do this, if I can ask any of you to do this,” I said, my voice scarcely above a whisper. “You deserve more.”

The dam finally broke, and tears spilled down my cheeks. I heard the sound of chairs scraping against the floor, but Jackson got to me first. He crouched by my side, taking my hand in his and stroking my thigh with the other.

“Please don't,” I said between tears, shrinking from his touch. “Please don't make this any harder than it already is.”

“Would it make you feel better to choose one of us?” he said, asking the question I knew each and every one of them had to be thinking.

I kept my eyes trained on the table as pain ripped through me from his suggestion. “You know I can't.”

Liam handed me a tissue. “Where does that leave us?”

“I don't know.”

I rose from the table and walked down the hall to my room, leaving silence in my wake. They’d pushed me, and it hadn’t done one bit of good. There were no words that could placate me, no touches that could soothe me. Now, when I looked into my future, all I could see was heartbreak.

Alone in my room, I collapsed on the bed, overcome with sadness. Maybe I was running, but what else was I supposed to do? Confronted with disappointing the five men I loved was akin to ripping my heart out, and I still didn't know where we were supposed to go from here.

Maybe we were doomed from the start. Maybe there were too many forces outside our control conspiring against our happiness. Maybe . . . I sighed, realizing I was too exhausted to make any sense.

There was a knock at the door and it opened, light filtering in the room from the kitchen down the hall. I kept my back turned and pretended to be asleep, reining in my tears. Whoever it was didn't take the hint. Instead, he kicked off his shoes and the bed dipped behind me.

“Gorgeous,” Liam cooed, wrapping his arms around me. Enveloped in his cologne, in him, the tears started falling again, harder this time. “It will be okay.”

I shook my head, sniffling while the pillow became saturated.

“What's that?” He lifted his head, tilting his ear closer to me, pretending I'd spoken. “Oh, I see. You're crying because we're lying in bed fully clothed. It is a shame.”

Despite myself, I laughed, but it came out more like a snort. Mortified, I buried my face in my hands, even though I knew he couldn't see me. He brushed my hair back from my face, stroking it with his hands, making me relax. His touch was soothing and familiar, his presence calming.

“Let go, gorgeous. Just for a few minutes. Let me hold you.”

My mind flashed back to a night when he'd said something similar. But when he'd uttered those words, we were lying in his bed, and he and Jackson were kissing me, touching me.

I squeezed my eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions. I should tell Liam to go away, but I couldn't find the strength to do so. Just for tonight, if only for a few minutes, I would let him hold me.