CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
One month later …
Carter
We’re in week three of the radiation therapy. The oncologist put Indiana on a course of radio-sensitising drugs the first week of treatment. They apparently make the cancer cells more sensitive to the radiation, helping to kill them off faster. She’s going great guns, but it’s been a tough few weeks.
The first week she seemed to breeze through it, with little or no side effects. These last two weeks, not so much. She’s having small doses of radiation Monday through to Thursday, and having Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off as her rest days.
We’ve been driving down Monday morning and staying in Sydney until Thursday, then driving back to my place for the other days. I’ve been squeezing in as much work as I can, working until late Thursday night, and all day Friday and most of Saturday. I hate leaving her alone, but I need to work. She spends most of her time sleeping anyway.
Mum and Ross both offered to come and stay with her while I worked, but she wouldn’t hear of it. I think she feels bad putting people out. She’s forever apologising to me. Doesn’t she realise how much we all love her? That there’s nothing we wouldn’t do to make this process easier or more comfortable for her?
I check on her between every client, and if it’s a big job, I send Jacquie or Justine up to make sure she’s okay and there’s nothing she needs. It’s killing me to see her so sick. I wasn’t prepared for things to get this bad. She’s nauseous all the time, so she’s not eating as much as I’d like, and has subsequently lost some weight. There was already nothing of her, so it concerns me greatly.
She usually comes good by Sunday, but when the treatment starts up again Monday, she’s back to where she started. I usually try and get as much food as I can into her on the good days. I know once this is all over she’ll get back to where she was, but in the meantime, it’s hard to watch. I’d give anything to change places with her.
Even LJ can tell things aren’t right. He hasn’t left her side. Follows her everywhere when she’s up and about, and lays beside her when she’s not. I’m glad he’s here with her when I’m downstairs working.
I wish I could spend every second of my time with her, especially on her rest days, but being away from work three and a half days a week is really taking its toll on my clientele. Thankfully, they’ve been pretty understanding. I’ve lost a few of my regulars to the other artists, but most have been loyal and stuck by me. It’s only for three more weeks, and hopefully we can then put this behind us and life will get back to normal.
To add to my already hectic schedule, the old man next door came over a few weeks back and told me he was planning to shut up shop at the end of the month. He wanted to know if I was still interested in buying his building, which of course I am. I have a few ideas up my sleeve that might help persuade Indi to stay up here permanently once the treatment is finished. Well that’s my hope anyway.
So, now I have the added worry of organising finance, as well as getting the architect to draw up the plans to extend the apartment and refit the shop next door. I’d like to get started on the renovations as soon as the purchase is finalised. I’m going to use the same building company that fitted out my place when I first moved here. To be honest, I’m fucking exhausted, but if all goes to plan it’s going to be worth it.
After finishing up the colour fill working on, I walk my client out to the front desk, only to find my next job is already waiting for me. “Can you give me five minutes mate?” I ask when I walk over and shake his hand. I just have to duck upstairs quickly.
Only my staff know what’s going on with Indiana. I’m a personal guy and don’t like to talk about shit like that with my clients.
“Sure. No problem,” he replies taking a seat again. I take the steps two at a time as I rush up to check on Indiana. I find her sound asleep in bed. When I see the sandwich I made her at lunchtime still sitting on the bedside table untouched, I exhale. I need her to fucking eat. She’s so weak, and this no eating shit isn’t helping.
“Indi,” I whisper getting down on my knees beside the bed, and smoothing my hand over her hair. “Hey,” I say smiling when her eyelids flutter open. She’s so fucking pale and pasty, with dark circles under her eyes. It worries me to no end to see her like this.
She’s been so courageous. Never once complaining. My heart hurts when her green eyes meet mine. They’ve lost their sparkle, and I fucking hate that. I just want this to be over with so she can be well again.
“Hi,” she says forcing out a smile. I hate that she thinks she needs to be brave for me, because she doesn’t.
“How are you feeling?” I ask, helping her when she tries to sit up.
“Okay.” That’s what she always says, even when I know damn well she isn’t.
“You didn’t eat your sandwich.”
“I wasn’t hungry,” she replies shrugging her shoulders.
“You’ve gotta eat, babe,” I say in a pleading tone as I tuck some loose strands of hair behind her ear. “You barely touched your breakfast.” I pick up the plate off the bedside table and unwrap the sandwich.
“Can you take a bite for me, please? It would make me happy.” She gives me a genuine smile when I say that.
“Okay. If it will make you happy,” she answers, opening her mouth when I hold the food out in front of her. I watch as she slowly chews. I can tell she’s really struggling. It brings a lump to my throat. I pick up the bottle of water, unscrewing the lid.
“Here, have a drink.” She raises her hand to take it from me and I notice she’s shaking. She’s been doing a lot of that lately. She’s probably got low blood sugars from the lack of food. “Let me,” I offer as I move it towards her mouth. Seeing her lips wrap around the bottle, doesn’t even make my dick stir.
We haven’t been intimate for over two weeks. She’s asked, no practically begged, but I can’t do it. Don’t get me wrong. I want to. I want to more than anything. I fucking miss that connection with her. But, she’s so weak … so fragile. Not only does she need to conserve her energy just to do menial things, like get around, I’m scared I’m gonna break her, or hurt her. I can’t risk that at the moment.
We’ll get back there. I have every confidence. The day I can sink my cock into that heavenly pussy of hers again, is gonna be one sweet day I can tell you. But for now, the most important thing is seeing her well again.
“How about I go to the fish market after work and get some of those fresh prawns you love? I can make you a nice prawn salad for dinner.” My hopefully eyes search hers. I’m becoming desperate. I’ve noticed she can’t really seem to stomach the stir-fries I’ve been making. Anything too saucy seems to make her nausea intensify.
“Sounds great,” she answers reaching for my hand and giving it a weak squeeze. I know my client is waiting downstairs, but he’s gonna have to wait. My girl comes first. I sit on the side of the bed until I get half the sandwich into her, and most of the water. When she tells me she’s had enough, I lay her back down and tuck the sheets up around her neck. “I’ll be back in about an hour.” I gently place my lips against hers. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” she replies smiling. “Thanks for taking such good care of me.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I want to take care of you.” I pick her phone up off the bedside table and place it on the pillow by her head. “Call me if you need anything in the meantime.”
“Okay.” I bend down and place a soft kiss on her forehead.
“Look after our girl while I’m gone, boy,” I tell LJ, ruffling his fur before I turn and leave.
••••
We leave early Monday morning to be back in Sydney in time for Indi’s next session of radiation. Sunday’s have quickly become my favourite day. Not only do I get to spend the entire day with her, but it’s the one day of the week that she’s closest to being her old self and well enough to leave the house. Those few days rest from the radiation really seem to make a difference.
Last night I even rugged her up and carried her across the road to the beach. She tried to fight me, insisting she could walk, but I wouldn’t hear of it. We ended up compromising on a piggyback instead. It’s amazing how many stars you can see in the sky at night when you live close to the ocean. I’d never really noticed until I went back to Sydney and looked up at the sky. I guess the pollution from the city doesn’t help.
I wanted her to experience it, so I laid a blanket on the sand and took an extra one to place over her so she was warm. Her immune system is so low right now. She can’t afford to get sick.
We laid on the soft sand for hours, wrapped in each other’s arms, looking up at the sky talking and laughing and even making out occasionally. It was just like old times.
Although the making out part was wonderful, it wasn’t a great idea. The longer I go without having her, the harder I’m finding it to deny myself. She practically begged me to make love to her under the stars. Saying no was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
She was clearly upset by my knockback. Doesn’t she realise how hard this is for me? How much I want her? I hate denying her of anything, so I eventually relented and slipped my hand down the front of her pants and brought her undone with my fingers.
Hearing her little whimpers and feeling her come against my hand almost had me caving. I wanted inside her so bad, but I held strong. As soon as she’s well again, I’m gonna tie her to my bed and fuck her until we both pass out. That she can be certain of.
I couldn’t stop smiling by the time we headed back to the apartment, neither could she. It was exactly what we both needed. My heart felt so much lighter.
Now we’re back to where we started. I hate what this fucking radiation is doing to her. On our way back to Ross’ house, I had to pull over to the side of the road twice so she could vomit. After I carried her into the house and placed her in bed, I laid down with her until she fell asleep before getting up and heading over to my mum’s. I needed a little time out. Sadly though, what I found when I got there had me wishing I’d stayed in bed with Indiana.
As soon as I entered the house, I found my mum with her face buried in her hands, sobbing. Christ. I thought she was improving. I drop my keys onto the table by the entry, immediately making my way to her. “Mum,” I say concerned, sitting beside her and draping my arm around her shoulder. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Oh, Carter,” she cries burying her face into my chest.
“What’s going on?” I can’t stand to see her like this.
“I just got off the phone with a private investigator. My father died.” What the fuck? Her father died and she’s crying? Why that pisses me off, I can’t say. Yes I can. After the way he treated her, treated me …
“And that upsets you? Why?” I ask a little angrier than anticipated.
“Despite everything, he was my father, Carter.” Father my arse. That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Not only did he kick his daughter out of her home when she was nineteen, pregnant, and had nowhere else to go, he ruined my life. His only grandchild. “I just hoped that one day we’d be able to make amends. Now that’s never going to happen.”
“I’m sorry, Mum, but he was an arsehole. He treated us both like shit.”
“I know,” she sniffles wiping the tears from her eyes. “My mum wants me to get in contact with her. She hired an investigator after my father died, to track me down. He’s given me her contact details.”
“Are you going to contact her?” She doesn’t even hesitate with her answer.
“Of course.” It instantly gets my back up. “She was nothing like my father,” she says in her defence.
“Well, where has she been for the last twenty-five years of your life?” I practically scream as I stand. I feel bad when I see her flinch, but I can’t seem to control the anger that rages inside me. “If you want to do this, then you’re on your own. I want nothing to do with her.”
“Carter,” she calls out to my retreating back as I storm towards my bedroom. I’m not sure why this has made me so angry. Maybe my nerves are just frazzled from everything I’m going through with Indi. Maybe it’s something else.
As I sit on the side of my bed and bury my face in my hands, memories of that day flash through my mind. Why did you bring that little bastard here? Get him out of here. Don’t you ever bring him here again. It’s funny, it’s been nineteen years, but it’s still as fresh in my memory like it happened yesterday. I hate that motherfucker. I’m glad he’s dead. He ruined my fucking life and broke my mother’s heart. That may be harsh, but that’s exactly how I feel.
“Carter,” my mum says knocking on my bedroom door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” I reply. I shouldn’t be mad at her. She’s the biggest victim in all of this. They were her parents. They let her down when she needed them most. “I’m sorry, Mum,” I say, making eye contact with her when she comes and sits beside me on the bed.
“You have nothing to be sorry about sweetheart.” Her voice is soft when she speaks. She raises her hand and gently rubs it over my back. “You’re right. He did a number on both of us. My mother was nothing like him though. You need to understand he was very controlling. She had no say in any of this. She was devastated when he kicked me out. She tried to reason with him, but he wouldn’t listen. He never did. He was very stubborn. The day I left the house, she broke down. She handed me an envelope that contained two thousand dollars. She’d been saving money over the years without my father’s knowledge. She also gave me some of her jewellery to sell if I needed more money. It wasn’t much, but it was all she had. It helped me get by until I could find a job. It gave me a place to stay and food to survive. Without that, I would’ve ended up on the street.”
I sit and listen to everything she says, but I’m still not happy about this whole situation. She’s had no contact from her mother in all these years. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a little late to try and make up for it now.
“Things were different back then,” she continues. “Having sex before marriage, having a baby out of wedlock … it was taboo, shunned upon. My father was very religious and old school. He was also a proud man. His reputation meant everything to him. Unfortunately, what people thought of him turned out to be more important than the welfare of his own daughter and grandchild. For that I can never forgive him. My mum, though? She was different, Carter. When you meet her, you’ll see exactly what I mean.”
“Like hell I’m meeting her,” I snap. “If you want to, go right ahead, but I want nothing to do with this.”
“Carter,” she says in a shocked tone. “Please. I need you with me. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own. It’s been nearly twenty-five years since I’ve seen her. I think this would be good for you, for both of us. It’s time to let go of the past, sweetheart. It’s time to heal.” I exhale a defeated breath. I’ve never been able to say no to her, and that pleading look in her eyes tells me I’ll be going to meet this fucking woman, whether I want to or not. Fuck.
••••
My mum called her mother later that afternoon. Apparently she was over the moon to hear from her and they talked and cried on the phone for over two hours. She wanted us both to come over straight away. There was no way I was going to drop everything and run to her, even if that’s what my mum wanted. My first priority was Indi, and frankly, if I could put this unwanted reunion off, I was gonna delay it as much as I could.
As the days passed though, my mother’s pleas became too much. I finally relented and agreed to go with her late Wednesday afternoon. I haven’t discussed it with Indiana yet. I’ll wait and see how the meeting goes first. I don’t want to upset or worry her unnecessarily. I have no idea what to expect when I get there. Going by our visit all those years ago, I don’t hold out much hope.
My mum has arranged for us to be at her mother’s house at 3:00pm, for afternoon tea. Fuck that. I won’t be eating shit when we get there, that’s even if we make it through the front door. It’s just after 2:00pm, so we’re going to need to leave soon. It’s a forty-minute drive to her parents’ house.
Picking up the plate of fruit I’ve just chopped up for Indi, I head back into the lounge room where she’s snuggled up on the sofa with LJ. Her gaze moves away from the television and locks with mine when I enter the room. I plaster a smile on my face to try and mask the inner turmoil that rages inside me. Thankfully she returns the smile. I’ve done a good job of hiding my worry and uncertainty from her all day.
Indi hasn’t been that bad today. It’s one of the rare good ones. She slept for a few hours after we arrived home from the hospital, but she’s been awake ever since. She even managed to eat all her lunch and keep it down, which pleases me to no end.
“Here you go, beautiful,” I say when I kneel down in front of her and place the plate on her lap. “Is there anything else I can get you before I leave?”
“Nope, but thank you,” she replies as her shaky hand reaches out to caress my face.
“I’m gonna have to get going. Mum’s appointment is at three. Your dad just called and he’s on his way home. He’s gonna sit with you until I get back.”
“I don’t need babysitting, Carter. I’ll be fine until you get back,” she says with an eye roll. I love her sass.
“I know, but I’d feel better knowing you’re not alone.” I lean forward and gently place my lips on hers. Ross knows where we’re going, but I’ve asked him not to tell Indiana. He needed to know because with mum and I both being away, someone had to be here for Indi just in case. I was also interested to hear his take on this. Unlike me, he thinks this meeting is a good idea. It’s easy for him to say, because he doesn’t know what went down all those years ago. “I love you,” I say as I stand.
“I love you too. I hope your mum’s appointment goes well.” So do I. I smile down at her as my stomach starts to churn again at the thought of what I’m about to face.
“Look after our girl,” I tell LJ as I reach down and run my hand over his fur.
••••
No words are spoken on the drive to the house. My mum’s leg has been bouncing with nervous anticipation most of the way. The huge smile planted on her face tells me she’s excited for this reunion. Although I wish it wasn’t taking place, I find myself hoping, for her sake, that everything goes okay.
I actually feel like I’m gonna be sick when we drive down the long circular driveway and come to a stop outside the house. It’s funny, after all these years I still remember what it looks like. I guess it was a poignant moment in my life, so I’m not surprised it stuck with me all this time. It’s the day my life changed forever. The day that cocksucker ruined me. I don’t want to go anywhere near that house. I’m regretting agreeing to come here, but on the other hand, I don’t want my mum to face this alone.
When I turn off the ignition I have a sudden moment of panic. Fuck. I can’t do this. “Would you mind if I stayed in the car?” I say, turning my head to look at her.
“What? No. Please, Carter. After what happened last time when we were here, I can understand that you’re apprehensive,” she replies reaching for my hand. “Do you really think I’d bring you back if I thought we’d get the same reception? That day still haunts me too. Don’t you think I saw how much you changed after that day? I’m your mother, Carter. Mother’s notice things like that. Not a moment has passed that I haven’t regretted putting you through that. I promise you things will be different this time. My mum is nothing like my father. She’s really looking forward to meeting you.” I exhale a large defeated breath.
Why can’t I ever say no to this woman?
She needs this, so I have to put all my shit aside and do it for her. She gave up everything when she found out she was pregnant with me. She could’ve aborted me and continued on with her life, with her family in this house. But she didn’t. If I can help her get a piece of her old self back, then I’d be a selfish fucker if I didn’t do this for her.
Hesitantly, I get out of the car and walk around to open my mum’s door. I count the same five motherfucking steps in my head, just like I did when I was a kid. Instead of the excitement that consumed me all those years ago, I’m filled with dread.
My stomach is churning when we stand in front of the big yellow door, except this time it doesn’t look so big. It’s just a regular door, and I fucking hate it. Hate it, and everything that lies behind it with a passion. So much so, I have to fight the urge to kick the living shit out of it. How can a person hate a damn door so much?
Because it’s haunted my fucking dreams for the past nineteen years, that’s why.
My mum’s hand rises in the air before her knuckles connect with the wood. She knocks twice. Her hand reaches for mine before giving it a comforting squeeze, except this time it’s anything but. Just like the previous time we were here, her head turns in my direction as she looks up at me and smiles. I’m no longer five, so now I tower over her tiny frame. This is déjà vu at its motherfucking worst. Christ, I feel like I’m going to be sick again.
Both our hands are trembling as we await our fate. We don’t have to wait long. A minute later the door swings open. A frail, older version of my mum stands before us. I hold my breath as my heart pounds rapidly against my ribcage. I exhale when she briefly makes eye contact with my mum before launching herself into her arms.
“My baby,” she cries. “I’ve waited way too long to see your beautiful face again.” She starts to sob as my mum engulfs her in her arms and starts to cry as well. A lump forms in my throat as I stand here and watch them together. Although I still wish I wasn’t here, my heart sings for my mum. This is the kind of reunion I guess she’d hope for when we came here all those years ago.
Why I’m still expecting this meeting to turn sour when my grandmother notices me, I’m not sure. A few minutes later they release each other, and my grandmother takes a step back, cupping my mum’s face in her frail hands. “Let me look at you,” she says smiling widely. I notice she has kind eyes. They’re nothing like the mean ones my grandfather had. “You’re still as beautiful as I remember. I’ve missed you so much, Lizzy.” She leans forward and peppers tiny kisses all over her face.
“I’ve missed you too Mumma,” my mum whispers as she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. “This is Carter,” she adds, and my grandmother’s gaze moves to me. “Your grandson.” I swear my heart stops beating when she tears her eyes away from my mum and looks up at me. Instead of the angry scowl my grandfather gave me when I was last here, she smiles a beautiful smile before wrapping her arms around my waist. I just stand there, unmoving. My arms are still planted by my side. I’m frozen.
“I’ve been waiting twenty-four years to meet you,” she cries softly into my chest. “I’ve prayed for this day for so long. Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about you—haven’t loved you.” The lump in my throat grows, and I have to fight back the tears that threaten to fall. She loves me.
Although this is the kind of reunion I’d hoped for, no, dreamt about, for some reason I’m still sceptical. I’m still waiting for everything to turn ugly. “Let me look at you,” she says stepping back. “Look how handsome you are,” she smiles as her hand reaches up and gently caresses the side of my face. My mum was right … she’s nothing like my grandfather.