Present Day
Hannah Michaels Crestfall
WEALTH HAD CEASED being the line I drew in the sand years ago.
I no longer thought of money as what defined you. That if you had money you were a big shot, and if you didn’t, well, you were one of the big shot’s pawns to toy with.
Growing up in the Crestfall household hadn’t been easy. I had so many issues with the way they chose to behave that I had wrongly stereotyped anyone from privilege.
After having my own child though, and dedicating my life to him and my career, I saw the benefit of making money.
Freelancing in the web design field had given me financial independence, and the peace of mind that my son and myself wouldn’t have to grow up under the Crestfall thumb as I had done.
With that, I had also let go of my bias.
I wasn’t rich, but I wasn’t poor. I could afford to send my son to a private school and buy a house. I could afford a car and groceries and a college fund for Jonah. So what if I had to save to remodel or plan a vacation.
And yet as I looked at the front of Ethan’s home, and saw the grandeur of it, I felt a twinge of sadness that I hadn’t been around to see him become what he knew he would be some day.
A great lawyer.
Ethan, like me, had grown up without privilege, and this huge turn-of-the-century-brownstone in Lincoln Park was his. I understood how Jace had owned a home like that, but Ethan, this only told me he really had made a success of his life.
It made me smile.
There was a brisk chill in the air and when a gust of wind blew over me, I pulled my short coat tighter around my middle. I’d changed into a pair of new jeans and a strappy silver sequined top that made me feel incredibly sexy. Jace told me I was going to freeze my ass off, while he fingered the straps and eyed me like I was dinner.
It wasn’t like I was going to change after that. It had been a long time since I’d gone out and I wanted to look good. To that end, I’d also blown my hair out as straight as I could and worn it down. On my feet, I’d gone with open-toed booties, since there was no snow yet. Still, my toes were cold. All in the name of fashion, I’d told myself, and secretly wished I’d gone with the Converse.
Normally, I liked things simple.
Luckily, we hadn’t had to park too terribly far down the street. “You cold?” Jace asked, with an I told you so look in his eyes.
“No,” I fibbed, my lips trembling.
That sexy brow of his rose. “Come here,” he said, pulling me close and engulfing me in his warmth.
Even though Thanksgiving hadn’t arrived yet, Christmas lights twinkled from inside the windows. As we took the steps to the front door, I turned to Jace. “Have you put a tree up yet?” I asked.
He shook his head as if the thought pained him. “Mrs. Sherman will put something small up. Besides, I’m taking Scarlett to Disneyworld for Christmas.”
The cold suddenly seemed to settle into my bones. “Oh,” I said, and the fact he hadn’t told me caused my stomach to drop.
“Yeah, I decided last week. I’ve been meaning to tell you,” he said as he let his hold on me drop and rang the doorbell.
It took every bit of strength I had to force a smile. “That’s great. She’s going to love it.”
Party noises that sounded like holiday cheer and laughter and music poured from inside as we waited.
A mixture of food and peppermint and pine immediately wafted through the air and hit my nose. All were things I normally would have been pleased about smelling, but instead unease gripped at my belly. For a moment, I considered telling Jace I was ill, and going home.
Too late.
The door swung open. “Motherfucker,” Ethan grinned at Jace.
Jace thrust a bottle of brandy at him and grinned. “For you, motherfucker, now you can stop whining whenever I ask for a glass.”
Ethan grabbed his heart, and then the bottle. “My love, you shouldn’t have.”
The bromance lived on.
His gaze quickly shifted toward me. “Hannah, you look great. Come on in.” As he drew me in for a long embrace, I whispered, “Thanks for having me.”
Sandwiched between Ethan and Jace wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it might be . . . until I saw Fiona hurrying toward us.
Dressed in a black jumpsuit with a deep V in the front, she was both incredibly beautiful and super sexy. Long honey blonde hair with waves that moved with her. Curves that made her look sultry. A body that had to wow anyone she walked by.
I quickly pulled away from Ethan and felt Jace move beside me. He didn’t reach for me, but I was glad he was there. Never had I regretted what we’d done in college, but as a grown up now, it felt a bit uncomfortable.
Fiona and I had met on the playground at school, but at the time the context of me having known her husband intimately hadn’t been discovered. I wasn’t ashamed of anything, but I had no idea if she knew about Ethan and I or if she knew about Ethan and me and Jace. Jace hadn’t offered this information, and I hadn’t asked.
Now I wished I had.
“Hello, Hannah,” she said, her smile open and friendly.
“Hi, Fiona,” I returned warmly. “Your house is beautiful.”
She placed a hand on Ethan’s shoulder and snuggled close to him. “Thank you. We’ve been working on it since Max was born.” She glanced up toward Ethan. “Haven’t we honey?”
“That’s because he’s a cheap bastard.” The boisterous voice was so familiar and before I even turned I knew it was Nick Carrington.
“Fuck you,” Ethan shot back, and slapped him on the back.
The three college buddies were still together. And although they’d definitely grown up, their personalities appeared to remain mostly unchanged. Nick had always been the laid back one, if you could call him that. Jace, the brooding, quiet one. And Ethan, the driven, determined one.
“Hannah, this is Tess,” Fiona said grabbing my arm and rushing past the men, full of excitement. Fiona was about a half head shorter than Tess and I were, but you would never have known it.
After Fiona let her go, Tess turned toward me. “Hi,” we both said at the same time. Tess was very pretty with shoulder-length brown hair and the most beautiful cheekbones. She was also definitely shyer than Fiona, and a little more reserved.
“She’s been my best friend since we were kids,” Fiona beamed.
“She’s also my wife.” Nick came at me and gripped me into a bear hug. “Good to see you,” he said as he pulled back.
“Whatever.” Fiona waved a dismissive hand. “She was still my friend before you turned her into a baby-making machine. I can’t believe you’re already on number three,” she said, and shivered as if the thought was displeasing, but everyone laughed.
It was my assumption Tess was pregnant again.
“Come on,” Fiona said, “Let’s get some drinks.”
Butterflies took over my belly, swarming as we walked through the crowd. The interior was lit with candles and in the corner was a huge tree, twinkling with hundreds of lights. It was the one I’d seen from outside.
The living room was open to the kitchen and everywhere I looked was decorated festively. There was even a roaring fire in the fireplace.
Jace leaned down when he saw me staring at the flames. “I can clean out yours and get some firewood this weekend, if you want.”
It was the small things I supposed. And I ate the offer up. “That would be great,” I said with my own excitement.
“Jace!” A very young woman called, and when he turned to see who it was, he didn’t turn back and introduce me.
“Lets go into the kitchen,” Fiona said, tucking my arm under hers and taking Tess’s as well. “That’s where all the food and wine is.”
Just then my stomach rumbled, and I realized I hadn’t eaten dinner.
“Okay, wine first,” Fiona said, and then glanced at Tess. “Well, not for you.”
Tess stuck her tongue out at her, and I knew right then the two must have been the very best of friends.
Fiona had a glass of red and white in her hands and stuck both out to me. “Which do you prefer? I’m not that picky.”
Searching through the crowd, I spotted Jace. He was with Ethan and Nick, and no longer talking to whoever had detained him. Slightly relieved, I took the white. “Thank you.”
“Now for the food. Here’s a plate. Help yourself. I’ve been cooking for days.”
Tess took the plate she offered her and then gave Fiona a conspiratorial glance. Fiona sipped her wine before she spoke. “What?”
“Days?” Tess raised a brow.
Fiona shrugged. “Well, okay, maybe I’ve been placing orders for days, but like there’s really a difference.”
The laughter that expelled from my throat was unexpected. I really liked these girls and they made me feel comfortable.
Thirty or so minutes passed while the three of us talked, ate, and drank. We had moved on to dessert and were all eating a piece of chocolate cake when I felt the heat of Jace’s body behind me. By then I’d also had two glasses of wine, and even though I’d eaten a little, I was still feeling the affects.
He placed his hand on my hip and leaned into my ear. “Everything okay?”
I swallowed against the knot in my throat. “Yes, why do you ask?”
Since he was behind me, no one except me noticed that he moved a little closer. “I don’t know. You haven’t looked at me once since we got here.”
I wanted to be honest with him, and tell him his Christmas plans really upset me. Not what he was doing, but that he hadn’t told me about them.
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, Fiona stepped between us and frowned at him. “Jace, you didn’t say hello to me.”
“Hello, Fiona,” he said, but that wasn’t enough for her.
She turned her cheek and pointed to it. It would have been funny if I didn’t feel the tension rolling off him. Still, he did as she requested. Right then I had a feeling whatever Fiona wanted, she got.
“Much better,” she said, cupping his cheek.
“Anything to make you happy.” His tone was only slightly sarcastic.
I knew they were friends, but there was something really intimate about the way she touched him. “Now, about next Friday night,” she said.
“She’s a trip.” I turned to find Nick putting at least a dozen eggrolls on his plate.
I picked up my glass and took another sip of wine. “She seems like a lot of fun.”
“Don’t listen to a word this jerk says.” Fiona was back, with her cake in her hand, and licking at the icing.
Nick shook his head. “Fiona, someday you’re going to tell me how much you love me.”
She licked more icing and set her fork down. “Don’t wait for that day, you might be dead before it happens,” she quipped, but then kissed him on the cheek. “Come on, Nick, you know I have to love you, you’re my best friend’s husband and my husband’s best friend.”
“Which makes you kind of screwed,” Jace joked.
Finishing chewing his food, Nick ignored Jace and smiled at Fiona. “By default is better than nothing.”
And then we all laughed.
Tess made her way over to us and with a heavy sigh put her hand on her stomach.
“Did you have to go to the bathroom again?” Fiona asked.
She nodded and sighed at the same time. “Yes, I can’t believe it. I even ate crackers before we came.”
Fiona shook her head. “I don’t miss those days.”
Tess didn’t look very happy. My guess was morning sickness all day long. “I’m better now.”
Nick seemed concerned and whispered something in Tess’s ear that made her smile. Now she looked better.
Fiona rolled her eyes. “I’ll be back,” she said, and went to mingle with her guests.
Jace had disappeared again, and that left Nick, Tess, and I. We talked for quite a while, and this time when my eyes scanned the room for Jace, I let them linger on him until he caught my stare and smiled.
“Okay, we have to go,” Tess said to Nick. “The peppermint scented candles are really getting to me.”
I gave her my sympathy, remembering those days all too well. Except I didn’t have a handsome husband doting on me with concern.
We said our goodbyes, and when I searched the room for Jace this time, I couldn’t find him. Having drank way too much wine, I walked over to the sink to fill a glass with water. That’s when I saw Jace out back with Fiona. His hands were moving, flying through the air. He was really fired up. And she wasn’t holding back, pointing at him, and then poking him in the chest.
“You’re good for him.” I turned to find Ethan staring at the same thing I was. That’s when the thought struck. That look on his face, I’d seen it myself. And I wondered if something had taken place between the three of them.
“I don’t know about that,” I said honestly, taking sip of water.
He leaned against the counter next to me. “Well, you are. Just be patient with him. You know how he is.”
I found myself laughing. I’d been more than patient. And I did know how he was. But I was beginning to think I’d been a fool.
I set the glass in the sink. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, anything.”
Turning around, I leaned beside him. “Does your wife know about me?”
“About us or about you, me, and Jace?”
“The latter,” I said.
His expression became sympathetic. “Yes, I told her about that time in my life years ago.”
I dropped my gaze. “And she wasn’t upset when she found out it was me?”
“No,” he said, reassuringly.
“Did Jace ever tell his wife?”
“Not that I know of, but you’d have to ask him.”
“That’s the problem, he won’t talk about her. He won’t talk about anything, really.” The words came out quickly and I instantly regretted them.
His body turned to gaze back out the window, and he rested a hip against the cabinet. “Hannah, I have no idea how hard it must be to be in your position. Sometimes Jace is his own worst enemy, building those walls so high, no one could ever climb them. But you broke that barrier once, and I know you can do it again.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t think I can. Not this time. Either he won’t let me or he doesn’t want me. And I don’t know which is worse.”
Ethan sighed, and I knew he understood exactly what I was talking about. Perhaps he had experienced being shut out himself.
With my hands gripping the edge of the marble, I looked up at him. “Can I ask you something else? Something a little more personal?”
There was a look of seriousness about him that was almost like a warning. “I guess that depends on what it is.”
I had nothing to lose, so I just asked. “Have the two of you ever done what we did with someone else?”
Ethan looked away. “I hate to sound like an asshole, but I think again, that is something you should ask Jace.”
That was answer enough.
Before I could humiliate myself anymore, I decided it was time for me to go. And not just leave the party. “Can you tell Jace I left?”
Ethan’s brow creased in confusion. “Didn’t you come together?”
I nodded. “We did, but it wasn’t a good idea. He’s not ready and I just can’t . . . not any more.” I took a deep breath. “Please tell him for me, okay?”
He reached for my hand. “Yeah, but Hannah, I think you got this wrong.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said, “I think I finally got it right.”
The crowd was easy to pass through, and once I got my coat from the closet, I stepped outside in the cool air and breathed it in.
I’d been a fool.
I’d thought Jace and I could recapture what we once had and make it even better, but I don’t think that was ever what Jace had in mind.
Sex wasn’t love. And I had foolishly thought it was. Sex was sex, and that was all we had. Maybe it was all we ever had.
That wasn’t enough for me, not anymore.
I didn’t want to give Jace up—but then again, he’d never been mine to give up, had he?
Hurrying down the steps, I halted when I realized I didn’t have a way to pick up my son. And that was when I started to cry.
Surreal. All of this. The night. The conversation. The revelations. The loss.
I sat on the bottom step and covered my face. I was sobbing and I couldn’t stop myself. The noises coming from my throat were loud. I drew in a frigid breath and willed the crying to stop.
In a matter of minutes, I was thinking clearly. I was independent and could take care of myself. Jace lived a couple of blocks over. I could walk to his house and on the way I’d call a cab or an Uber to take Jonah and I home from there.
The figure that came around from the side of the house with his hands stuffed in his pockets was Jace, but he startled me nonetheless. I jumped in surprise and screamed. He was surprised as well.
“Hannah, what are you doing out here?” he asked, and I surmised he hadn’t made it back in the house yet.
I swallowed, trying to calm the ache in my chest. Sucking in a deep breath, I gazed up at him. “I’m going to go get Jonah, and then go home.”
The glow from the streetlight made his eyes seem darker and his skin look paler. “Sure, give me a minute to say goodbye.”
My heart felt so broken, I couldn’t stop the sob that escaped my throat. “No, that’s okay, Jace. You stay.”
His gaze narrowed on me. “What’s going on? Were you going to leave without telling me?”
I was shivering, but not because I was cold. Even so, I wrapped my arms around myself. “You lied to me, Jace,” I cried.
The firm set of his jaw told me he was ready to disagree. “About what exactly, Hannah?”
“About how long it had been since you’d had sex,” I said tightly.
His face went a little blank.
“I know you were with Fiona and her husband.”
He didn’t deny it.
“I figured it myself. I could see the signs. Remember, I was that girl a long time ago. And since I already know Fiona and Ethan met around the same time you got married, I either have to assume you cheated on your wife, or you did it after she passed. I’m going with the latter. Please feel free to correct me.”
“Fiona is my friend. And so is Ethan. Yes, the three of us were together, but I never had intercourse with her. Ethan asked me not to.” He didn’t look away from me, though the intensity in his gaze made me wish he had. “I ended it. It only made me feel more alone than I already had. It was nothing like we had.”
“And what are you and Fiona now?”
“Friends,” he bit out. “Only friends, I swear on Scarlett’s life.”
I believed him.
“You should have told me.”
For the first time he looked away.
I pulled in a breath that hurt my throat. “I can’t do this anymore, Jace.”
He stepped forward and set his gaze back on me. “What exactly is this?”
Everything about him threatened to break me, and I had to look away. “Us. You and me. You.”
He took another step. “Me?”
“Yes you. You give me whiplash with your back and forth. One minute you agree to be friends. One minute you just want someone to fuck. Then the next it’s me you want. All the time. But the thing that is always the same is the rush of guilt you feel after we are together. It makes me feel so small. And I don’t like that. Just like I don’t care for the way you shut me out.”
Each word I spoke came out jagged and sharp, and I hated every moment of it.
“I don’t.”
“You do, Jace. You do everything you can to avoid being alone with me unless your pants are down.”
He recoiled.
It was true.
“It’s just . . .” He shrugged, and looked a little helpless. He scrubbed at his face, and then looked back. “I’m working on things.”
I shook my head. “You’re not though. Not really.”
“Don’t do this, Hannah. Not now. Not again.”
I stepped back, and my stomach felt sick. “It’s not the same, Jace. Not at all.”
“I just need some time.”
“And so do I.”
His breath hissed out. “Fine, it’s not the same, but look at me, Hannah, and tell me you don’t have feelings for me.”
I did look at him. “I do have feelings for you. You know that, and that makes this so much harder.”
“Then how can you just walk away?”
I lifted my chin. “Because feelings aren’t the issue. Trust is. And I don’t trust you. Not with your own feelings, and definitely not with mine.”
He recoiled as if I’d slapped him. “Christ, Hannah, I lost my wife, and I’m trying to deal with the guilt of being with you the best way I can. How do you not get that?”
Tears that had long ago welled in my eyes, now fell. “I do get that, Jace, but I can’t be the before and after. I won’t be.”
“No one is asking you to!”
I swiped at my tears. “You are, and you can’t even see it. We don’t go out in public together because you’re afraid someone might think that you have moved on. And tonight is the perfect example. You hardly even talked to me.”
He was shaking his head.
That didn’t stop me. “Tonight aside, you hardly talk about anything unless it’s work or the kids because you’re afraid it will lead to feelings, which will again lead to your wife.”
“Late wife,” he scowled.
I couldn’t do this anymore. “The bottom line Jace, is, I’m your fuck buddy, and I can’t be that anymore. It’s not fair to me. I want someone who loves me. Not someone who sees me as a before and after. And you know what, I deserve that.” I broke down. “I deserve that,” I said again.
Everything about him went hard. “So what, you’re just going to turn your back on me, again?”
“No, Jace,” I said softly, “I’m ending things so you won’t have to.”
And then I turned and started down the street.
He didn’t follow.
And I didn’t expect him to.
After all, he knew I was right.