I open my eyes, for a moment confused about where I am. This is not my bed, or Lizzy’s couch, my normal two places to wake up.

Then I turn and find myself looking at his handsome face. Blaze!

Fuck.

We did it again, didn’t we? And I’d promised myself I wouldn’t give in to him again. But when I was with him yesterday, on our date, I couldn’t ignore the feelings inside. My need for him. My need to get lost in him again... Even if just for one final time.

In all these weeks, this is the first time I’ve had the opportunity to look at him more closely. Damn. He’s grown up so much, there is nothing left of the boy I used to know. I want to run my fingers over his strong jaw, over his lush lips, over his dark stubble. Touch him and feel him everywhere where he turned into a man in the years since I saw him, compare this man to the boy I once knew.

But before I can even move, he stirs. His green eyes flutter open, and it takes a moment before his eyes focus on me. I think he’s about to smile, but instead he frowns.

Irritation sparks in me. Well, if he’s going to be like that... I sit up to get out of the bed, but he grabs my arm.

“Don’t leave yet.” His voice croaks, but he ignores it as he tugs. “Please.”

I slide back down, not able to deny him, not able to deny that look in his eyes, and he takes me in his arms, tucking me against his chest. His hand moves over me, down my arm, until his fingers intertwine with mine.

“B...” I look up at him a little, trying to read him, but I don’t even know what I wanted to say when I see the look in his eyes.

He swallows hard, but then meets my eyes. “You don’t have to get tested, unless you’re not on the pill.”

Oh. My words from last Monday suddenly run through my head again. Great. We wake up in the same bed for the first time in years, and the first thing B remembers are the harsh words I threw at him when I lashed out. I was in pain. I didn’t want to have to face that pain on my own, so I hurt him because it made me feel better for a second. And I do it again, lashing out, trying to share the pain inside, the way I hurt. “And what if I’m not?” I regret it the moment the words leave my mouth, but I don’t know how else to deal with B, with the way he makes me feel.

B’s breath halts, his face paling, and his hand tightens around mine. “I’ve never... Not without... Not since...” He stumbles over his words, his face paling more, his eyes growing in panic.

This power, this short moment of having a sense of control, this pain inside me... “You’ve never what?” I’m pretty sure I know what he means, but I need to hear him say it.

“I’ve always worn a condom since...” His hand tightens more, and he doesn’t look at me anymore.

“Say it.” My voice is thick. I need to hear him say it. I need him to acknowledge what ripped us apart, the beginning of the end. I need him to say the words.

“Since you got pregnant.” They’re like a single stream from his lips and the tears in my eyes are reflected in his. “Since you...” He reaches up, his hand hovering over my cheek, but doesn’t touch me yet. “At the party was the first time I forgot.” He comes closer now, his thumb brushing over my cheek to wipe away the tears. “You make me forget everything but you. Having you in my arms.” His voice is breathless.

I can’t take it. Not this sweet side. Not anymore. I break free from his grasp, sitting up, needing a little space.

“Lo?” His voice is careful, but I shake my head.

I’m not sure if I can form the right words right now. Everything I say is to hurt him. I can’t deal with being the only one in pain, so I lash out at the one person who would understand my pain.

B’s fingers brush over my side and I still, gasping. No, no, no. I quickly move my hand so he can’t touch me there anymore. The tattoo... He didn’t see it last time. The small heart on the left side of my ribs. Tears fully break through and start streaming down my cheeks. He was never supposed to see that. He was never supposed to see me like this again.

His arms slide around me and then his rough stubble scratches my fingers as he kisses them. Kissing me, kissing the tattoo I’m trying to hide. He mumbles something and the next thing I know, I’m scooped up in his arms, pulled close to his chest.

For the first time, my silent tears turn into loud sobs. All of the pain, all of the energy leaving me. Years of pent-up sounds released in just a moment.

“Dammit, Lola.” His voice isn’t steady either. He holds me tightly, rocking me from side to side.

I’m wrapped up in him, in his scent, in his warmth, in his strength. I’m where I need to be, and I finally feel some sense of safety for the first time in years. And I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t.

When my sobs finally subside, he takes a shuddering breath. “I waited for you that whole summer. I was sure that if I just waited long enough, you’d come join me at our college. It was supposed to be our time, our college. And when the year started, and you still weren’t there... I realized that you weren’t coming. I’d ruined everything that night.”

I can’t speak, the words stuck in my throat. We were so young, so stupid. People twice our age didn’t survive these kinds of things, how could we?

“I know that you can’t forgive me. I can’t even forgive myself. But please, let me hold you for a little while longer. Allow me to properly say goodbye this time. I can’t keep hurting you. This has to stop.” His voice is full of tears and I cling to him.

They hurt. His words hurt. But I know that this is the right choice. This is what we have to do. This is what we need to do.

We can’t keep going around in circles. We need to move on. We need to get away from each other.

We need to end this. No matter how much it hurts. This is the only way to move forward.

So I hold him, he holds me. We know that this is the end, but we don’t want to let go just yet.

Just for a couple more minutes. Just until this stabbing pain, this breaking feeling, has subsided somewhat.

Just a few more minutes...

A few more minutes together will have to be enough for the eternity we’ll have to spend apart.

When I finally get back home, I’m exhausted. I’m totally mentally and physically exhausted. I only want to hide under my blankets. But I also don’t trust myself to be alone right now.

After we cried, B made me breakfast and we sat there, eating, all in silence. There was this connection between us, but also this knowledge, this awareness that we made the right choice, even if it hurts. He held my hand as we walked to the bus stop and when I got onto the bus, he finally let go of me. I saw him step away, I saw him look after me. And then, as the bus drove off, he disappeared from view.

Our goodbye was without tears, but I think we both cried enough before that.

I blindly walk through the house, crossing the garden and opening the door of Lizzy’s place. It’s quiet inside, but I find Hunter on the couch, drawing.

I’m about to turn back around, not wanting to talk to him right now, but he’s already on his feet.

“Lo.” He comes over, his eyes dark. “Can we talk?”

“Only if you apologize.” I’m not feeling like getting another talking-to from him. Not today. Not after everything that happened this morning.

He shakes his head. “Why do you do this?”

“Do what?”

“Let him hurt you again. He’s an asshole.” H’s voice rises.

“You can’t judge him, H.” I cross my arms in front of me. “You can’t. You don’t know what happened.”

“He left you.” Hunter’s voice rises more, and he balls his fists. “He fucking left you. And you’re telling me that I can’t judge him? Like hell I can’t.” The fury in his eyes only makes me sadder, only makes all that happened so much more tragic. Because he doesn’t know the full story. Even H was comforted by the lies we kept telling. He has no idea how much I’m also at fault for all this mess. Not just Blaze.

I push my tears back. I should tell H. After this morning, after everything, H deserves to know the truth. He deserves to know how much this is all my own fault. “B, he...” I start, but stop when the door upstairs opens and Lizzy’s footsteps come down the stairs. I turn around, for a moment glad for the distraction. “Lizzy.” I step to her, reaching out for her, but she frowns.

“What’s going on?” She looks at both of us. “Why are you fighting?” There is pain and confusion in her words.

Yeah. Why is this turning into another argument? Maybe because Hunter keeps putting his nose where it doesn’t belong?

I’m so tired of always arguing with people. I’m done. Maybe I should just go to my own room. “I think it’s better if I leave.” I don’t want to fight, not now, not over B. I turn around, my hand on the door, ready to open it.

“I still think you shouldn’t get close to him.” I hear H step closer behind me. “He left you, in that hospital room, after you nearly—” He stops, breaking off his own sentence, almost revealing the secret that Lizzy doesn’t know about. Almost revealing the one thing he promised we wouldn’t talk about ever again.

So when I look up, it’s not at H, but instead at Lizzy, who doesn’t look surprised, just really troubled.

“He left.” H’s voice is final.

I shake my head, no longer able to keep this inside. This one thing that only B and I know, this one secret we share, this one secret we keep to ourselves. And it’s clawing to get out. Eating me up inside, spreading darkness through my soul. The secret now too much to bear. “I told him to leave.” The words rush out. “I told him that I blamed him for everything that happened.” I take a deep breath. “I told him that I hated what he’d done to me.” Now I finally look at H, and the shock in his eyes is enough to keep me going. “He’s been taking the blame for my actions long enough. No matter how willing he was to take on that responsibility, it wasn’t his fault. I told him to go away. I told him that I never wanted to see him again. I made him go away. He only listened to my wishes.”

“Taking the blame? I thought you were ill.” Lizzy comes over, a worried look in her eyes. Worried and weary.

I shake my head. “That depends on your definition of ill.”

“What happened?” She seems so confused by this all. I need to tell her. She needs to know. It’s time.

“I was pregnant.” I look up, registering the shock on her face. “But...” I lick my lips. They’re dry and so is my mouth. I force the next words out anyway. “I had a miscarriage.”

Oh, fuck. The tears, the sobs, they wreck me, pushing me off-balance until Lizzy wraps her arms around me and slowly helps me to sit on the floor. How do I have so many tears left after this morning?

“I’m so sorry.” Lizzy holds me tightly, and Hunter kneels down on my other side, putting his hand on my back.

I can’t speak. I, the girl who loves to write, have no words left anymore.

After a while, Lizzy and Hunter help me to the couch, bringing me something cool to drink as I curl up and Lizzy wraps herself around me.

They know. They know the real truth now and they’re still here. I’ve never talked about this to anyone before. B and I knew to never talk about this. It’s one thing for him to leave me, it’s another for me to have told him to leave, to have forced him away from me.

The memories of that night keep going through my head. I don’t have clear memories, both because I wasn’t in a good state, but also because I’ve tried to alter the memories so often that I have no idea anymore which parts are and aren’t true. At least not some parts of the night, like the exact moment I told B to leave me alone.

“What happened?” Lizzy’s voice is careful. “Can you tell me?”

I look at H, whose eyes are dark and filled with pain too. We know that this story does not have a good ending, just pain and more pain. He has no idea how much pain, really.

Then I nod. “Sure. I guess you deserve to know the whole story. The story of how four close friends promised to always stay together, only to all fall apart after one night.”

Hunter’s lips turn into a tight line, and he looks away, shame and anger flashing through his eyes. I have no idea why he’d be angry, but I know why he’d feel ashamed. We were all so close, and then everything broke down. Including my friendship with Hunter. Not only did Blaze leave that night, so did Hunter. After that first night, he didn’t come back. I never saw him until I was released from the hospital a couple of days later.

“I dated B for almost all of high school. We were close friends with H and Tess. The four of us would do everything together. We had an intense but very strong friendship. We got into a lot of trouble, and out of it too.” I can’t help but smile at this a little. “When we were in our final months of high school, after we’d chosen our colleges and all decided where we’d be going in the next year, B took me out for dinner. Hunter made me a dress, though he always insisted that he had no idea what was going to happen.”

Hunter lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head a little. “He told me that if I told you anything, he’d cut off my balls.” Behind me, Lizzy gasps, but H just grins. “Not exactly an empty threat. But it was nice, being part of that secret.”

“Anyway. When we were at the restaurant, B went on one knee, right between the main course and the dessert. He’d done it all. Special music, a beautiful ring, all the things that people think of when they think about engagements. He proposed, and I said yes. There was no other answer for me. I loved him, and this was going to be our future. It wasn’t totally unexpected, of course, but it was special anyway.”

Those are the good memories, the happy ones. “Two weeks later, I realized that my period was late. I hadn’t been the most on-time person, but this felt different. We sneaked around, trying to get our hands on pregnancy tests without anyone finding out.”

H grins, a boyish sparkle in his eyes. “Tess and I helped out, getting them from places where they wouldn’t know who we were. It wasn’t easy.”

I nod, remembering the anxiety, but also the excitement of the sneaking around. “Of course, they all turned out positive. Each and every one of them.” I look Lizzy’s way. “Around this time, you weren’t doing well. You’d also just been readmitted to the ward. I decided to wait to tell you about this until you were stable or even released again. I didn’t want to upset you.”

Lizzy frowns, but then nods, her eyes sad.

“I’m sorry. This was never supposed to be such a secret.” I shrug a little, and squeeze her hand as she slides it into mine. “The next weeks were... interesting. Talking to our parents, which wasn’t easy, trying to figure out how we could combine going to college with caring for a baby... We knew that we’d probably have to try to get extra help financially and then see what happens for the year after. Basically, wait and see. B and I had gotten into the college of our dreams, and we didn’t want to give that up. So we made plans and more plans to make everything work out. To prepare for our future.” They were rough weeks, but we felt like things would turn out okay. We were still positive.

“And then...” I swallow hard, balling my fists, my voice gone for a moment. “We went to see the doctor. It was supposed to be a routine check. You know, trying to determine the actual moment I got pregnant, trying to determine when I’d be due, things like that. I was told that I should drink enough before we went in. Because when you’re this early in the pregnancy, it’s not all easily visible, and the bladder being so close to the uterus would make things easier to find and see.” But nothing prepares you for when things don’t go as planned on this visit. “So we went in that morning. First, the assistant couldn’t find much, and my bladder was killing me. So the nurse asked me to go take a leak and we’d try again. She said that it was common that it was hard to find the uterus when you’re this early in the pregnancy.” I stop, not able to go on. The room we were in that day, the hallway that I walked through to get to the toilets, and then back again, sitting on that chair, waiting for news. The fear slowly starting to take hold...

“Oh, Lola.” Lizzy tightens her arms around me.

She doesn’t realize that this isn’t even the worst of it. This is just the start. “I...” My voice is creaky, and I clear my throat, trying again. “I was lying there in the cold seat, the room a little chilly, especially compared to the outside world. It was May, the weather was amazing. The second time, the nurse could find my uterus, and we could see the black oval with a little grey thing in it. That was the baby inside me. We looked on for a few moments, amazed by what we were seeing, until the nurse looked at us, her face sad. She said that with how far along I was, there should be a heartbeat. There was no heartbeat.”

I close my eyes, needing a few moments to myself, the story still too horrible to tell. “The baby inside me was dead. Not only that... the assistant said that by measuring, she could tell that the fetus had died two weeks earlier.”

I break out blubbering again, the pain as raw as it was on that day. This crawling sensation that I’d been walking around with something dead inside my body for two weeks. I’ve never been able to explain this feeling, this feeling of my body trying to protect something that had no chance, the discomfort of having something dead inside me. My body trying to hold on, protect, while it was all futile.

“She said that we could wait until my body miscarried on its own, or I could go in and get medication that would put that process into action, and I’d have more control over it. I couldn’t think at that moment. It took me hours before I could think again.” Hours spent crying in B’s arms, surrounded by H and Tess, all stunned and lost.

“I decided to go see a doctor to get the medication. I couldn’t live with this idea that my body could miscarry at any moment, and trying to go on with my life while being in that waiting state. So I got the medication. They told me that it would be like a very heavy period, and that I should stock up on very heavy pads, but that it was pretty safe—there was a less than one percent chance that something would go wrong and that I’d rupture a vein or something like that. But that if the bleeding did get too bad, I should come into the hospital anyway, just to be safe.”

Lizzy gasps and tightens her arms around me. Hunter reaches out and takes my hand, holding on. This next part he knows very well, because he was there. He was there when things went wrong. When things that were wrong turned even worse.

“It started out as expected, and apart from sitting around with a heat pillow on my stomach and drinking a lot of ginger tea, it wasn’t much worse than just really bad cramps. We watched movies most of the day, and a nurse from the high school checked in on us once in a while. While it was sad and upsetting, it wasn’t the worst.” I grip Hunter’s hand tighter.

“But that changed. I don’t know the exact time that everything went wrong, but I felt a little tug inside me. It felt a little uncomfortable, but the worst of it was the sensation soon after. I could feel my uterus fill up with blood. I quickly made it to the bathroom and relaxed, the blood seeping out of me. I switched my pad and after I felt like nothing was coming out anymore, I went back.” It sounds horrible, gross, saying it like that. But that’s what it felt like. It felt like my uterus was filling with blood, and as long as I tightened my muscles enough, I could keep it up a little, until I reached the bathroom and could relieve myself over the toilet. And then it started all over again.

“The first time was irritating, and I just thought that it was part of what was supposed to happen. The next couple of times were more annoying, and the others also started to realize something was up. I didn’t know if it was bad enough to call the doctor or not just yet. But I was on that toilet every ten or so minutes, maybe even more. And the blood didn’t seem to get less.”

I swallow hard, the memories dark, fuzzy too, the world a little unreal. “At one point, on my way back from the bathroom, I felt sick. So, as I passed the kitchen, I bent over the sink, waiting to puke or for the sick feeling to pass. It didn’t—what I could feel was me losing consciousness, and I called out for B and fainted.” I take a breath. “When I came to, everyone was in the kitchen with me. Tess had just called an ambulance, and I was sick all over the kitchen floor. H cleaned it up as we waited for the ambulance.”

“When we found you, you were so pale. I couldn’t believe it.” Hunter shakes his head. “Even now, that scares me, that memory.”

“The ambulance people put two drips with fluids into my arm.” I pull my sleeve up. “You can still see the small scar on my wrist where they put one of the needles in. They drove me to the hospital. B was with me, and after they checked me at the emergency unit, they sent me to a different room. There, I had to wait. They kept giving me fluids because I’d fainted from blood loss.” I still remember how cold my arm felt, how painful and stiff my fingers got from the cold fluids that they put into my arm. “They gave me so much of it. I can’t remember the exact number, but I do remember that I had a constant headache from the blood loss and from my blood being so thinned that it couldn’t get enough nutrients all through my body. That evening, I had a curettage. While my uterus was shedding its lining, it had broken a blood vessel, and blood was flowing right into me. The curettage was to get rid of the lining that hadn’t let go yet, cleaning out my uterus, and they stemmed the bleeding. Luckily, I don’t remember any of the actual details of that. I was out cold. They put me under, and I woke up in the recovery room a few hours later. It was late at night by then. I was in some discomfort, but mostly had a headache, all the rest was unreal—or maybe it was painkillers or something.”

I need to go back to myself for a moment. Dive into my memories, finding the bits and pieces that I try to forget, the moments that I really don’t want to look at.

“When I got back to my room, they still had me on fluids. But other than that, they said I should be fine. But I wasn’t fine. I was in so much emotional pain, mental pain. Now everything was physically over, my brain finally caught up. I’d not expected to get pregnant, but I’d gotten used to the idea, and actually was looking forward to it. I was so upset with my body for betraying me and losing the baby. I felt betrayed by my own body. And I was angry with myself for getting so attached to a future that wasn’t even sure.”

I was so upset and angry, but looking back, I only see darkness. “Only I didn’t blame myself for any of that. Instead, I blamed B. I blamed B for getting me pregnant in the first place. I blamed him for making me fall in love with him. I blamed him for almost turning me into a teen mother, even though we had such great careers ahead of us. I was in such anguish, and I lashed out and told him to disappear. To get away from me. I told him that I hated him for what happened to me.” Nothing that I told him was fair, or right, but I said those things to him anyway. “I regretted it the moment he walked out the door, but I couldn’t call him back. I couldn’t apologize. I couldn’t... I had no energy left, I was nothing but a husk. There was nothing left of me.”

I’m crying again. This time Lizzy takes my other hand and I lean against her, her closeness comforting.

Hunter clears his throat, his eyes dark. “We ran into B as he left the hospital. I asked him where he was going. He said that he was leaving, that he couldn’t be there. I got angry and hit him. He hit me. We got into a fight until Tessa pulled us apart and insisted that I’d come with her upstairs. That we’d go see you. That B wasn’t worth it. That scum like him weren’t worth our time.” He looks at me. There is that anger again, that anger and that shame.

“He wasn’t the only one who left.” I pull my hand from his. “You came there that evening with Tessa. You were there for me that first night. But after that... you didn’t come back either. I needed you, I needed the both of you, and you both left me.” It was just Tessa at my side, and that was the moment things really started to fall apart. “Was it because I was so broken? Was it because the idea of what happened to me grossed you out? Why? Why did you not come back?” After all these years that still hurts, never having an answer to that question.

Hunter shakes his head, looking up at me, his eyes filled with sadness. “None of that. I wanted to be with you, at your side, but I couldn’t. I had to be somewhere else. I wish I could tell you why. But that’s not my story to tell. There is more to that night, to those days, than you know. And I’m potentially the only one who even remembers.” He grips his hands together, leaning his elbows on his knees, letting his head fall forward. “I wish I could tell you. But... I can’t. I’m sorry.”

H keeping this from me, it hurts. It still hurts. “Why? Why can’t you tell me?”

“Because it involves someone else, and it opens a whole can of worms that’s not my story to tell. I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” He stands up, and I look at him, at the way he moves through the room.

There is an urgency to his movements, a frustration. “You don’t get it, even now. You don’t get it.” The fire in his voice almost hides the edge to it. “When you called out to us, and we found you on that floor, we thought we’d lost you. We thought we’d lost you too that night. We were so scared. Lo...” He shakes his head. “You were pale. Deathly pale. Each of us, when we saw you, wondered if we’d be going to a funeral instead of a graduation. For those minutes between us finding you and the ambulance arriving, we didn’t even know if we’d see you the next day. If you’d be... if you’d be alive.” He’s close again, on his knees, next to me, looking up, tears in his eyes, and I’m transported back three years to the way they looked at me as I came to. “That fear did different things to each of us. We were scared. All of us.”

I nod, understanding what he’s trying to say without saying anything. I wasn’t the only one in pain that night—B was too, and that’s who he was with. While Tessa was with me, Hunter was with B. “Thanks.” I don’t know what else to say. Knowing that H wasn’t with me because he was taking care of B, it calms me down a little. “I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t have to apologize. But please trust me when I say, even knowing what happened that evening, what happened between the two of you, don’t get close to him. Please. He’s not worth that hurt. He’s still an asshole.”

I nod. “We... We decided on that anyway. I’m not going to be seeing him. At least not romantically. That’s over now.”

There is a spark of surprise in H’s eyes as he nods. “Good.”

Next to me, Lizzy moves, sniffling. “I can’t believe...” She grips my arm, pulling up my sleeve again, exposing the tiny scar. She runs her finger over it, tears in her eyes. “I’m so sorry about what happened to you. I don’t even know what I feel inside right now. But I’m really sorry about freaking out before. I get why you don’t want to talk about this. I’m sorry for pushing you like that.”

She looks so small right now. This may be my story, something that has happened to me, but I’ve already lived with it for years. This is the very first time she’s heard about it. The very first time she’s had to consider that she could have lost me, and she didn’t even know about it.

I wrap my arms around her. It feels good to talk. This is the first time in a long time I’ve talked about what happened. And it feels good not to have any more secrets from Lizzy—she now knows what happened, understands why I was so angry with H sometimes.

But something is nagging at me. The thing H said, that he wasn’t with me because he was with B. Something must have happened between them, because after I left the hospital, they weren’t friends. They didn’t so much as look at each other, and they were very hostile. Something doesn’t add up, or maybe something happened that broke things even more between them...

So, while I’m relieved about finally not carrying this secret on my own anymore, I’m also a little confused. B’s apologies and pain when he sees me don’t match up with what happened between us. Not even knowing that H was with B those days clears up any confusion. There must have been something else.

Now I want to talk to him... Even though I just promised that I wouldn’t.

Fuck.