Nothing made Russ more uncomfortable than a woman weeping. Yet as Joslynn dropped the shirt she’d held and leaned against him, he put his arms around her and smiled. Thankfully, she couldn’t see his expression with her head bowed. She’d never understand that he wasn’t mocking her. Instead, he smiled because her vulnerability gave him hope.
She’d finally revealed a chink in the armor that surrounded her heart. She didn’t love him. Not yet. But for the first time, he believed she could. Even more, he believed she would.
Rubbing his chin against the top of her head, he let her cry until she was reduced to sniffles with a few small hiccups. “Feeling better?”
Joslynn bumped his jaw as she raised her gaze to his. “I can’t believe I was crying. I never cry.”
Russ wasn’t sure what to say to that. Didn’t all women cry? He’d seen both Savannah and Chelsea cry quite a bit. His mother was a champion crier. And there were many reasons why they wept. When they were happy. When they were sad. When they were pissed.
Why should Josie be any different?
That had to be the dumbest question he’d ever asked himself. She wasn’t anything like other women. None of the rules seemed to apply to her. Of course she didn’t cry often. She was so damn strong that she probably saw any show of emotion—especially tears—as a weakness.
Her job in the ER had to make her feel like an emotional yo-yo, and she’d probably learned to keep a tight rein on what she was feeling. It wasn’t that he doubted Josie was a woman with deep and powerful sentiments. She just wasn’t going to show those emotions to other people.
Then it dawned on him exactly why he understood her so well. “You’re Ethan,” he blurted out before he could stop himself.
Her reddened eyes searched his. “I beg your pardon?”
“You’re a female version of Ethan.”
She bent over to grab the shirt she’d dropped and jerked it over her head. “I’m not sure if that’s a huge compliment or a horrible insult.”
Letting out a chuckle at her teasing tone, Russ put on his pants. A glance around for his shirt yielded no results, which meant he’d probably left it in the other room. “Neither, really. It just dawned on me that you and Ethan approach life—at least the emotional part of life—the same way.”
“This discussion obviously requires wine.” She headed out of the bedroom, and he followed right behind.
A loud yawn slipped out as he located his shirt and donned it.
Pulling a green bottle out of the refrigerator, she frowned. “I’m sorry. I’ve destroyed your sleep schedule since we started dating.”
Although she was right, he wasn’t going to complain. Staying up nights hadn’t bothered him all that much. He might yawn through his shifts at Words & Music, but he still did his job. He always tried to catch up on his sleep when she worked.
But tonight he was suddenly exhausted. A glance to the clock showed it was approaching eleven. Since Josie would be up until the wee hours of the morning, he had a long night ahead of him.
After she poured herself a glass of wine, she sat on the couch. “Now that I’m properly braced, explain to me why I’m like Ethan.”
Russ joined her. “He doesn’t like to show how he feels either. Keeps everything bottled up just like you do.”
“You do that, too,” she said. “That’s why you have a tendency to blow up.”
“But I eventually let it out, even though I tend to do that with my fists.” He chuckled, but she glared at him. Since he didn’t want this discussion to switch to his temper problems, he got back on the original topic. “Ethan never does. People think he’s cold—that he doesn’t have feelings.”
“I don’t keep things bottled up,” she insisted.
“With your job? I think you’d have to just to survive. After a while it probably gets to be like you don’t feel anything at all.”
* * *
Joslynn gathered her brows, thinking hard about everything Russ had said.
“I have to keep things to myself,” she insisted. “There’s so much…misery coming through the doors at work that I have to control every word, every facial expression.” She couldn’t burst into tears every time she had to treat an abused child or the victim of a drunk driver. In unpleasant tasks, things like telling people they have diabetes or cancer or stitching someone back together after a horrible accident, an NP couldn’t freely express her emotions. If she didn’t keep a cover on things, she’d spend each shift a blubbering mess.
What good would she be to her patients then? They didn’t need someone to break down and sob over what had happened to them. They needed a kick-ass, take-charge person to help them through a rough time. They needed someone who could hold herself in check.
“I get that,” he said. “But you don’t have to guard yourself with me.”
While that was comforting, she couldn’t help but wonder why was it so difficult for her to connect with another person.
She needed him to understand. “You know, until I met Savannah, I never had a close friend, not even during school.”
“That’s sad.”
“Not really,” Joslynn said with a shrug. “It was how I wanted it.” She’d focused on beating leukemia and then learning everything she could to turn herself into a good nurse. Friendships had been pretty low on her priority list.
Her connections with men were even more detached. Joslynn held men at an emotional distance. “Do you know how hard it was to admit that I…that I care for you?” she asked.
“Yeah, sweetheart,” he said, lying down and putting his head on her lap. She raked her fingers through his short hair. “I know. And I’m proud of you.”
The problem with expressing her feelings was that she’d seen too much in her life. Not only had she gone through cancer treatment, but in the time she’d spent in the infusion center, she’d watched a lot of people—even innocent children—battle that bastard disease and die from it.
And then there was work. Mangled children. Abused women. Gunshot victims. That was why she didn’t show her feelings. That was why she was so…What was the word Russ used to describe Ethan?
Oh, yeah. Cold.
Is that what people thought of her? That she was cold? That she was some automaton that had no feelings at all?
Russ scattered her thoughts when he let out that soft almost-snore of his. He’d fallen asleep with his head resting on her lap.
With a sigh, she finished her wine and set the empty glass on the end table. No matter how hard she fought the feeling, Joslynn cared for Russ. As she stroked his hair and watched him sleep, a smile started in her heart and spread to her lips. The battle was over. She was going to let him in.
All the way in.
* * *
Russ opened his eyes, wondering why his neck was so sore. Then he saw Josie’s face above him. If his neck was stiff, she was going to be in a world of hurt judging from her position. He’d still been snoozing on her lap, and she’d fallen asleep sitting up with her chin resting against her chest.
He had no idea what time it was—a problem he’d had a lot since he’d met her. His “day” had always been a few degrees from normal since he owned a place that was open until the wee hours on the weekends, but now that he was in a relationship with a woman who worked night shifts, he’d gone even farther afield.
Maybe one day they’d sync their lives.
He really needed to get up and stretch out his stiffness. “Josie,” he said softly.
The woman woke up faster than anyone he’d ever known. Her head jerked up, a motion followed closely by a drawn-out groan as her hand went to the back of her neck.
“Stiff?” Russ sat up and started to rub the tightness where her neck met her shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t wake up sooner so you didn’t get a crick.”
She let out another groan as he dug his fingers into the knots that had formed in her muscles. “I was stupid for not lying down.”
As he gave her a neck massage, he leaned in to brush a kiss on her lips. “Good morning, by the way.”
Her eyes darted to the large clock by the front door. “It’s already six. We should be at the park, warming up for our run.”
“How about we skip the run today and I take you out for a nice breakfast?”
Rolling her shoulders, she smiled. “Like I’m letting you off the hook that easy.”
Russ yawned, resigned to a morning run.
“Didn’t you get enough sleep?”
“I’m fine.”
Josie’s smile faded, and she brushed his hands away. “There’s something I want to talk to you about…”
The ominous tone raised his radar a notch. He quirked an eyebrow.
“I’m thinking about switching my shifts in the ER to days,” she said.
His eyes widened in surprise.
“You can close your mouth now,” she teased.
Shutting his jaw, which had slackened at her announcement, he had to resist the urge to get to his feet and cheer.
Then he realized exactly what she was doing. Josie was suggesting that she change her entire lifestyle to suit his needs.
He shouldn’t have been surprised. He’d been doing the same thing by staying up through the nights on days she didn’t have ER shifts, although it hadn’t been a huge hardship since his schedule was already crazy.
Russ wasn’t about to let her do something so extreme. Simply knowing that she was committed enough to the success of their relationship to take that major a step was all the reward he needed. “You don’t have to do that, sweetheart. Things are working fine the way they are. I don’t want you to do something that drastic just because I yawn from time to time.”
“I’ve actually been thinking about it for a few weeks.” She wrinkled her brow. “I suppose that’s something couples should talk about, isn’t it?”
He nodded, a bit perplexed that she could be her age and have never learned the rules. Not that he was an expert, but he knew the game. “How old are you?” he blurted out.
At least her smile returned. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s not polite to ask a lady her age?” She tossed him a wink. “I’m thirty-one, Russ. And exactly how old are you?”
Loving how she turned the question back on him, he grinned. “Thirty-four.”
“What made you ask my age?”
He gave her a shrug.
“Seriously, why was my age suddenly so important?”
Since she was sounding irritated, he told her the truth. “I was thinking that by the time a woman was your age, she should know how couples decide important things.”
This time she was the one who shrugged. “I’ve always made important decisions on my own.”
“Every decision? What about when you were a kid? You know, when you were sick?”
“My mom always said it was my disease, so she let me make the call on what treatment I wanted. The oncologist would give me my options, and I’d choose what I wanted to do.”
What was he supposed to say to that? A preteen facing her own mortality and the parent who hadn’t run away dumped all the important decisions that had to be made directly in Joslynn’s lap.
If he ever met her mother, he hoped he could keep his anger under control. “How do you two get along now?”
She snorted. “We don’t. We’re not close. She lives in California, and I haven’t even talked to her in five years. She’s got her own life out there. I’ve got mine here.”
“No wonder. Shit, Josie…She should’ve been more involved. She really let you choose treatment?”
“It was what I wanted,” she insisted. “Even then, I was bossy. Besides, there weren’t many options. The doctor said it was pretty straightforward on what worked best.” The smile she gave him seemed so phony that he reached out to put his arms around her.
Pushing him away, she got to her feet. “I’m heading to bed.” She picked up the empty wineglass from the night before and carried it to the sink. “I need some more sleep before I go to the hospital tonight. I spent most of last night watching TV while you snored.” She winked.
Russ followed her to the bedroom, refusing to end such an important discussion so abruptly.
She stood next to the bed, folded her arms under her breasts, and stared at him. “What?”
Obviously, discussion about her illness was going to get him nowhere, so he focused on the choice she had to make. “We still haven’t talked about you switching to days. I don’t want you to do that for me.”
“Like I said, I’ve been thinking about it for a while. The administration proposed it several weeks back, and at first I just blew it off. But now that we’re together…Well, it might make things simpler. Working the night shift is tough. I make it work, but the switch might be good.”
He sat on the edge of the mattress and patted the spot next to him. “Why would it be good?”
Josie dropped down beside him. “I could be on sync with the rest of the world. You. Savannah. It just seems like I miss a lot of things because of sleeping during the day.”
“I have to admit, it would be nice to spend time with you when one of us isn’t snoring.”
“I don’t snore!”
“Yeah, you do. But it’s cute,” he said, and kissed her nose.
“So how does a couple make a decision?” she asked.
Russ took her hand in his. “First, they talk about the pros and cons.”
“All right.” Josie pursed her lips as she thought for a few moments. “Pro, I would be on the same schedule as most of the civilized world.”
“True.”
“Pro, I could teach more yoga classes since I won’t be starting work in the evening.”
He nodded, glad she was catching on. It wasn’t as though he’d made a lot of joint decisions before, either. But he wasn’t about to let her start making choices based on what he wanted. She’d grow to resent him if that choice turned out wrong.
“Pro, you and I could spend more time—at least more quality time—together.”
“I’m glad you think that’s a pro.”
A frown filled her face. “Why wouldn’t I see it as a pro? I care about you. Of course I want to spend time with you.”
He grinned. “Told you it would get easier to say.”
The frown swiftly changed to a smile. “Yeah, it is.”
Giving her hand a squeeze, he said, “Any cons?”
“You know what? I really can only think of two.”
“First?”
“I’ll lose my late-shift pay, but I don’t really need the extra money.”
“Second?” he asked.
“I’ll need a few days to adjust my days and nights.” She cocked her head. “You know, I really think it would be a good change for me…and for us.”
That statement earned a kiss.
“What do you think, Russ?”
“I think it makes sense to work days. I just didn’t want you to do it only because of me.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” Josie insisted.
He let out a chuckle. “I don’t think you would, either.”
This time she was the one to offer the kiss.
“So I’m doing this. I’ll talk to my boss when I get to the hospital tonight. It’ll probably be a few weeks before I switch over.”
Flopping back on the bed, Russ waited as Joslynn lay down and snuggled up against him. Then he kissed the top of her head. “And that, sweetheart, is how a couple makes a decision.”