Chapter Eleven
Jason
Rachel and I were back to working on the farm together; there were just a few differences. For one, she stayed over with her son. The ranch hands had been happy to see her back, as well as the other workers in the house. It hadn't been a lie when I said she was missed.
I had missed her, too. I was just too much of a coward to tell her outright.
With her there with me, everything was back in order and according to plan. It was strange, sometimes when I heard the toddler cry, or I saw him with her, and I’d think that he was my son.
This must be what Grandpa meant about me taking responsibility, I thought. I’d had other things on my mind at the time. I felt another fresh wave of guilt, as I realized just how stupid I’d been.
After finishing up some work in the fields, I made some lunch for just Rachel and I. The other hands and employees could find their food. I couldn’t hear the boy crying and guessed Rachel had already set him down in one of the bedrooms. She’d been insistent on the one right next to her own, and I’d understood she didn’t want the toddler too far, so I had no problem agreeing. It was also near the office, so it worked out.
I went there then, and I found her on her own. She was bent over some papers, work that I was technically supposed to be doing. After a moment, I knocked on the doorjamb, and she looked up.
“Oh, Jason,” she said, smiling. “Can I do something for you?”
“I was wondering if you could join me for lunch.”
She looked surprised, then pleased. “I didn’t realize it was that late already. Just give me one sec?”
She looked back down at the papers she’d been looking through, noted some things down quickly, then got up and rounded the desk.
“Can I ask what we’re having?” she asked, curious. “Or is it a surprise?”
“Not a surprise per se,” I said slowly as we walked out of the office. “But I’m hoping they’re all still your favorites.”
There was a look of absolute delight on her face, and I couldn’t help feeling a little proud that I was the one to put it there.
I led the way back downstairs and to the kitchen, over to the dining table already set with food. I’d set only two spots, so she would know no one else would be joining us. I watched her closely, but she didn’t seem to mind.
Good. The last thing I wanted was for her to hate me, after all.
“You didn’t have to do all this,” she said as she sat, though her smile was wider and she was looking at the food like she couldn’t wait to try it all. “You could have left the cook handle it. And don’t even try to deny that you didn’t cook all this, because I remember your cooking just fine, Jason.”
I felt something right relax in my chest, and I rubbed a hand over it. I hadn't even realized I was anxious this whole time, and I smiled easily at her, feeling happy because she looked happy.
Why did I ever let her go? I thought to myself once again. Because now that we were doing this, I could remember just how much better things used to be between Rachel and me, before it all went wrong to the point I just had to walk away.
“Eat,” I prompted, serving my plate and digging in.
I watched as she took a bite, and hummed, her eyes lighting up. She gave me a thumbs up instead of saying it out loud, though I could already tell by the way she was taking in spoon after spoon, barely taking time to chew before eating a little more. She must not have had breakfast because she looked really hungry.
We sat in silence for some minutes, until I broke it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hmm?” she looked up. Her cheeks were stuffed as she hurriedly chewed her food. I chuckled before I could hold it in, and she looked down at her puffed out cheeks pinked. “Sorry about that,” she said once she’d swallowed. “But can I ask what it is you’re apologizing for now? Because you seem to be giving out a lot of apologies lately…”
I pursed my lips. “Well, you can't exactly say they aren't deserved, right?”
She stopped eating to meet and hold my gaze, giving me her full attention. As soon as she did, though, I ducked my head down, because I was feeling too ashamed.
“About leaving,” I said quietly. “When I could have stuck around, and I chose not to. That was my mistake. I just…didn’t want to be so close to the ranch. Even after I’d left I kept thinking about it. And…it just brings up too many bad memories.”
“Memories of your parents,” she said. Because she understood.
I may not have opened up much to my brother or grandpa, but before I left her, Rachel and I had been close. I’d always thought she was the woman I’d end up marrying, but then I left.
“I just had to,” I said, looking up, wanting her to understand. “It was too painful to stick around…”
“And I didn’t help,” she continued. “When I kept telling you just to go, visit your grandpa…”
I huffed a small laugh. “He was more interested in seeing just you, anyway. And even then, it was the worst excuse to use when all I wanted to do was run away; I was just too ashamed to admit it.”
Rachel hummed her agreement, but she was smiling at me. “I understood, Jason. Even though I didn’t agree. But…we said we’d leave it in the past already, right? This is the present. Can we focus on that?”
I nodded slowly, feeling warmth spread in my chest for the first time in a while as I watched her stuff her face.