CHAPTER 13
~Hayden~
I was fucking up. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop it. Not when I was so close to victory. I had enough money stockpiled from street racing, that I finally felt like I could approach Jordan. What I was going to say to convince him to sell the track to me, I had no fucking clue, but the money was nearly there. Step one was almost complete.
But at what cost? Kenzie was suspicious, even a blind man could see that. If I told her what I was really doing though, she’d ask me to stop. She’d say it was too dangerous, say she didn’t need my help bailing her out, tell me that making a deal with Keith would never work and everything I was doing was pointless. Yeah, if I did the right thing and told Kenzie the truth, she’d never get her old life back. And if I kept lying to her…I’d probably lose her. Rock. Me. Hard place.
It didn’t help matters any that I’d been juggling so much lately, I’d let something fall through the cracks. Nikki and those damn texts. Goddamn, I wish I’d seen that one coming. I wish I’d told Kenzie about Felicia getting on my case from the beginning. But for some reason, the words just wouldn’t form around Kenzie. How could I tell her something that I knew without a doubt would hurt her?
Kenzie was still sleeping beside me. She looked peaceful for once, a small smile on her full lips. It had been far too long since I’d taken her to the track. I was failing as a boyfriend, on multiple levels. All for a good reason, but that would hardly hold up in court.
Carefully getting out of bed, I made my way to the living room to grab my cell phone. Kenzie and I had taken off so quickly last night, I’d left it behind. Good thing too. After I plucked the contraption out of my coat pocket, I saw about a million missed calls and texts from Hookup. I didn’t need to read or listen to them to know he was pissed at me. I’d bailed on the race, and he’d had to forfeit the entrance fee. Hookup hated losing money, which was why he’d done what he’d done last year. But being a no-show had been unavoidable. There was just no way I could have gotten away from Kenzie last night, not with her that riled up. So, I’d made a split-second decision, and now I was going to get my ass chewed out for it.
Kenzie finding me at home when I was supposed to be out with Keith had only doubled her suspicions. Problems compounding problems. I’d have to hang out with Hookup from now on before races, to prevent that from ever happening again. That, or come up with a different lie to tell Kenzie. God, I really hated that those were my options. The lie was still working, though, so my best bet was to keep going with it. And besides, Keith was backing me up.
When I’d ask him about talking to Kenzie about it, he’d simply said, “I don’t want to know what the hell you’re doing, so long as you’re doing it to get me Jordan’s side of the track.”
I’d assured him that was exactly what I was doing, and he hadn’t said another word about it. He had to know I was street racing again—he wasn’t stupid—but I guess the potential benefit for him outweighed the risk of him losing me if I got caught. And didn’t that make me feel special.
Irritated with the complexities of my life, I decided I’d deal with Hookup when I saw him again for the next race in a couple days. Right now, my priority was making sure Kenzie was happy, and figuring out what to say to Jordan to convince him that I was somehow a better option than Keith. No problem.
“Hey, why didn’t you wake me?”
I turned around to see Kenzie in the doorframe, wearing one of my T-shirts, and nothing else from what I could tell. Her wavy hair was wild, crazy, unrestrained, just like she’d been last night when we’d shucked all our clothes and had sex on the track. Fuck. That memory was going to stay with me for the rest of my life.
“I thought you needed your rest. We were up pretty late, after all.” Slipping my phone back into my jacket pocket, I walked over to her. Kenzie’s eyes tracked the movement of my cell, but she didn’t ask me anything. The question was burning in her eyes though.
“No messages from Felicia,” I assured her, and it felt so good to finally tell her the truth about something. I should have fessed up to that one a long time ago.
Kenzie smiled, but it was a sad one. I wished there was more I could do to let her know she had my heart—my full heart. Felicia was just…a loose end, dangling from my past. One I had every intention of snipping.
“Good,” she murmured, but I could tell by the way she was fidgeting that talking about my ex wasn’t the way she wanted to start her day. I didn’t blame her; I’d rather not talk about her either.
Smiling, I leaned down to give Kenzie a soft kiss. “What are you going to do today?” I asked when our lips parted.
The look of reluctance didn’t change as she shrugged. “Don’t know. Hang out with Izzy, I guess.”
I wasn’t too surprised by her answer; Kenzie often spent her free time with Izzy. Keith had relaxed his stance on Kenzie coming to the track, since she was technically an employee now, but he still wouldn’t allow Kenzie to use the track—not even on her own bike—so she hadn’t come by. I gave her another kiss, since it was all I could do. For now.
We went our separate ways after breakfast, and while Kenzie looked better than she had last night when she’d wanted to rip my head off, I could tell she wasn’t happy. I didn’t know how long I had until that unhappiness turned to resentment, but I knew the clock was ticking. I needed to fix this, fast.
While Kenzie took off in her truck, I took off on my bike. Not for the track though. I had a pit stop to make first. One that I hoped went well, even though I knew it was a long shot.
Nerves started tugging at my stomach as I rode up Jordan Cox’s driveway. The last time I’d attempted this, it hadn’t gone so well. And considering what I was about to ask him, I didn’t think this time was going to be any better.
When the two-story farmhouse came into view, I let out a long, slow exhale. Compared to all the things that I’d done in my life, this was easy. It was also the most difficult; I’d never cared so much before, never wanted something so much before. I didn’t see Jordan anywhere when I pulled up, but his truck was in front of the house, so I figured he was home. Everywhere I looked, I saw something that was broken or breaking. Jordan was doing everything he could to hold onto the track, even let this place fall by the wayside. This wasn’t going to be an easy sell.
Pulling my bike up next to his truck, I turned off the engine, removed my helmet, and hopped off. The minute my feet touched the gravel, they felt like they were incased in concrete—every step was a challenge. I couldn’t give up and turn back though. I needed Jordan to cave on this, needed him to come through and help me make Kenzie’s dreams a reality. I needed a win.
Stepping up to his front door, I paused a moment, then banged on it. I could hear shuffling and grumbling inside, so I waited as patiently as I could for Jordan to appear. In my head, I began running through what I might say to him, but by the time the door cracked open, I still had nothing good.
Jordan’s steely blue-gray eyes focused on me, then narrowed into lasers meant to slice me in half. “You’re back. Didn’t you get the message the first time?”
I couldn’t help but frown at that. “Yeah…loud and clear.”
“Then what the hell are you doing here?” he asked, his voice gruff.
Trust me, old man. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be. “I have an offer for you.”
He immediately interjected, “And in return you’ll leave my daughter alone? Sold.”
My mouth shifted from a frown to a scowl. “Not on the table. If you’ll hear me out, I think you’ll find that my offer is to your benefit.”
Jordan folded his arms across his chest. Lips pursed in amusement, he said, “My benefit. Really.”
Glad that he at least hadn’t kicked me out, I nodded. “Yes.” I inhaled a big breath, then crossed my fingers and blurted out, “Sell me the track.” Jordan’s eyes widened to almost twice their size. He opened his mouth to speak, and I held my hands up to stop him. “I know the track is sucking you dry, and I know you don’t want to sell it to Keith. Sell it to me instead. You’ll get that burden off your back, you’ll be able to breathe easier, and you’ll be able to say that you didn’t cave to Keith.” God, I hoped that last part wasn’t taking it too far, although, it seemed a valid reason to me.
From the stony look on Jordan’s face, I wasn’t sure he agreed with me. “I’m not selling you the track just so you can give it to Keith, kid. Don’t think I don’t see the leash around your neck.”
I hated that analogy—I was no one’s pet—but I understood his fear. “You wouldn’t be giving it to him directly. He’s making me a partner in the business, so you’ll be giving it to me.” He still didn’t look convinced, so I hastily added, “Please…if you do this for me, I can give Kenzie her life back. I can get her back on a bike. She’s drowning without it…”
As my voice trailed away, his smile grew. It was like he was pleased that she was unhappy. “I can get Mackenzie back on a bike with one phone call.”
Irritation broke through my calm. “Then do it!”
He stubbornly shook his head. “Not until I know she’s thinking clearly. And she’s not yet.” Scowl on his face, he spat out, “Prancing around in Benneti underwear, ignoring the fact that she’s hurting her family. You’ve changed her.”
I couldn’t believe what he was trying to blame on me. Did he really think I was the cause of all that? “Are you serious? You’re the one who changed her. Everything she’s been doing—you forced her into it!”
“Did I?” he asked, calmness returning to his expression. “Or did her pride send her on this journey?”
Her pride? How delusional was he? “Your pride, her pride…what difference does it make if you’re both miserable?”
Jordan’s eyes fell to his feet at hearing that. Good. Maybe I was finally getting to him. “Please, Jordan…let me help her.”
He didn’t do or say anything right away, and a surge of hope flared through me. If he’d just say yes, if he’d just help me do this, then I could get to work on fixing everything.
Finally, Jordan let out a soft sigh and slowly raised his head. I’d been hoping to see resignation in his eyes, but what I saw was about as far from that as you could get. “Selling you the track is essentially giving the track to Keith—partnership or not. And letting Mackenzie race for Keith isn’t helping her. My answer is the same as it’s always been for Keith. No.”
“But, Jordan, I’m not—”
Lifting his hand, he pointed to the driveway. “I’ve heard your offer, and rejected it. Since there’s nothing else to say, you can get off my property now.” Lowering his hand, he said in a quiet, lethal voice, “If you come back again with some inane offer from Keith, I’ll have you arrested for trespassing.” A small smile graced his lips. “Of course, that might be a blessing in disguise. You being locked up might finally help spur Mackenzie to the correct choice of action.”
With a shake of my head, I bit out, “Go to hell, Jordan,” and turned and walked away. If I didn’t leave, I might slug him. His preferred “choice of action” was for her to leave everything in Keith’s world behind, including me, and hell if I was going to sit back and let that happen.
I was fuming as I peeled out of Jordan’s driveway; I always seemed to leave his house that way. He just exceled at getting under my skin, and no matter how much I thought I was prepared for him, I never was. Kenzie would never fully accept Keith, but I didn’t think I’d ever fully accept her dad.
Slightly speeding, I headed straight to the practice track after Jordan’s. I needed to work out my aggression in a productive way. When I got to the parking lot inside the compound, I skidded to a stop in shock. Hookup and Grunts were standing there, arms crossed over their chests, looking pissed at everyone and everything. What the hell were they doing here, and how the hell had they gotten inside? You needed a key card and a code to get through the outer gate, and as far as I knew, they didn’t have those.
After looking around to make sure no one else was in the parking lot, I pointed my bike in their direction. Stopping beside them, I ripped off my helmet. “You guys shouldn’t be here,” I hissed. “And how’d you even get in?”
Hookup rolled his eyes like I’d asked him how he’d tied his shoes. “Please. You’re not the only one who knows about your secret back door into this place.” That surprised me. Years ago, I’d cut a hole into the chain-link fence that surrounded the property, but I’d never told Hookup about it; he knew more about me than I realized. Shit. Was he spying on me?
Shaking my head, I repeated, “You shouldn’t be here. Why are you here?”
Hookup’s gaze grew icy. It matched Grunts’s expression; he always looked annoyed. “To collect you, asswipe. Apparently, we’ve got to make sure you go to races now, since you feel like they’re optional. Where the fuck were you last night?”
Guilt made me want to cringe, but his tone of voice annoyed the hell out of me. “I’m sorry about that, but Kenzie stopped by my place last night. I couldn’t exactly kick her out.”
Hookup didn’t look moved by my argument. “Sure you could have. You just chose not to. And because of that, I lost eight grand.”
“I’ll reimburse you,” I flippantly tossed out.
He nodded, like he was the one who’d suggested it. “Damn straight you will. You’ll also race again for me tonight.” Grunt made an agreeing sort of noise as he stared me down.
I looked between the two of them, annoyed. “I thought I had tonight off.”
Hookup crooked a smile. “You did, but now I have some cash to make up, so you don’t. And, word of advice…if you don’t want your girlfriend to know what you’re doing, come up with a better lie. See you tonight, asshole. We’ll be by later to get you.”
Great. Now I had a chaperone. “You don’t need to do that, Hookup. I’ll be there.”
“Sure you will,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
I was about to tell him where he could shove his sarcasm, when another person on a bike joined us. My heart started racing as I snapped my gaze over to see which one of my teammates had just busted me. A startling wave of relief hit me when I saw it was Felicia. Her dark eyes quickly scanned the scene, before focusing on me. “Something wrong here, boys?”
Oddly, her presence felt like backup. Maybe that was because she’d frequently been my shield against Hookup and his mood swings. “No. Hookup and Grunts were just leaving.”
Eyes locked on mine, Hookup gave me a disdainful sniff. “Yeah…leaving.” Shifting his gaze to Felicia, he said, “See you tonight, Felicia.”
My brows drew together in confusion when she responded, “Yep, I’ll be there.”
Not wanting to question her in front of Hookup, I waited for him and Grunts to walk out of earshot. They were heading for the back of the property, where their car must be waiting near the gap in the fence. Great. I hoped nobody had spotted and reported it.
When I was sure they could no longer hear me, I turned to Felicia. “You’re watching the race again tonight? Why?” Was that because of me? Did I want it to be because of me?
Her answer surprised me more than finding Hookup at my place of employment. “No, not watching. Entering.”
“Why the hell would you do that?” I snipped. My eyes drifted to the open gate leading into the interior of the track. I knew why I was risking it all, but why the hell would she?
Felicia’s quiet exhale drew my attention back to her. The expression on her face was sad, full of remorse. “You’re not the only one I need to make amends with, Hayden.” Her lips broke into a small, mischievous smile that brought back a lifetime of memories. “And Hookup is just about as stubborn as you. The only way he’d hear me out was if I raced for him. For free, of course.” She laughed after that, like it didn’t matter. To me, it seemed like the only thing that did…why else risk it?
“You’re not taking a cut?” I asked, dumbfounded.
Shaking her head, she said, “I’m not in it for the money.”
Didn’t she understand that what I was doing was dangerous for multiple reasons? “If you get caught…you’re done,” I stated, wanting her to get it.
“So are you,” she countered, her lips in an amused smile.
“It’s worth it to me.” Kenzie was worth it to me.
Felicia’s smile faded and seriousness blanketed her expression. “It’s worth it to me too.”
There was nothing I could say to that, and an odd but comfortable silence fell around us. I wanted to look away from her, head into the racetrack, but I found that I couldn’t move, couldn’t leave. The resemblance to Kenzie in her features was downright uncanny, but still, there was something about Felicia’s face that was uniquely hers. Memories of holding that face, of kissing every inch of it, of watching it morph into ecstasy, filled my mind. We’d experienced so much together, from such a young age. Sometimes it was so easy to forget the “now” around her, and fall into the past.
Felicia chewed on her lip while we stared at each other, then she said in a rush, “Hayden, I know you needed time, but maybe—”
I snapped back into the present so fast my head hurt. Holding up my hands, I backed my bike away from her. “I can’t, Felicia. It’s been a really fucked up day, and I just…I can’t…”
Remorse was in her eyes again, but she nodded like she understood. “Okay…I can keep waiting. That’s worth it to me too.”
Like I was fleeing, I turned my bike away from her and hurried to the inner gate. Encounters with Felicia lately were feeling too familiar. The barrier of anger I’d had in place for so long was beginning to fade the more she was around me. And even though I was a dick to her more often than not, I didn’t actually want to hurt her. I didn’t want to get close to her either. I just wanted to forget she was back and never see her again. But, of course, life wasn’t about to let that happen, and now we were teammates off the track as well as on the track. Fuck my life.
After practice, I headed over to Kenzie’s, to spend some quality time with her before I had to leave for the race. I really hated that I had to lie to her again about a sponsor party—and right after I’d promised to tell her the truth—but that was all I could think to tell her, and I knew it was something Keith would back me up on. I didn’t have a choice but to spout the lie, and it really fucking sucked. I felt shitty all the time, and feeling that way kind of made me want to avoid Kenzie.
Trying to keep things normal, I rang her doorbell with a peppy Christmas song. She opened the door with a smile, and relief poured through me like a flash flood. Thank God, she wasn’t angry, which meant she hadn’t found out something else in my absence; I really hated this tightrope I was walking.
“Hey, babe, you look amazing.” Wrapping my arms around her, I inhaled her sweet, salty scent. Her hair still faintly smelled of the ocean; she must have gone surfing today.
She laced her arms around my neck, and momentary peace filled me; the world was right when she was in my arms. Then she said something that broke the calm. “We going back to the track tonight? I’d really love to…do that again.” She let out a seductive giggle at the end of her sentence that made me want to ditch Hookup again. If Jordan wasn’t going to sell, then why the hell was I raising money? But I couldn’t bail on Hookup. He really would track me down if I didn’t show, and then I’d have things to explain to Kenzie that I just couldn’t explain.
“Uh…actually…you know that party that was rescheduled? Well, it’s tonight.” Fuck, let her believe me.
Kenzie’s arms around my neck stiffened, then she slowly pulled away to look me in the eye. Doubt was all over her face. She didn’t believe me, but she didn’t want to not believe me either. She was torn. We were both drowning in our own personal miseries. I’m trying to save us. I swear.
“Really?” she asked, and by the way her dark eyes were studying me, I could tell what she was really asking was—are you telling the truth?
No, I’m lying like a dog. Forgive me.
Swallowing a knot in my throat, I nodded. “Yeah…I’m sorry. I’ll talk to Keith, get him to ease up on the parties. You’re right, it’s getting ridiculous.” And pointless, since Jordan would rather see me behind bars than see me get his daughter racing again.
That seemed to satisfy her, and I prayed I could deliver. Hookup was obsessed with gambling, and unfortunately, he had me by the balls. He knew I didn’t want anyone to know about my nighttime activities; he knew his blackmail against me far outweighed what I had on him—which was basically nothing since he could easily tie me to the meager evidence I had on him for the bike tampering last year. I was clearly Hookup’s bitch now. All he had to do was threaten to tell Kenzie everything and I’d cave and do whatever he wanted. Fuck. Why couldn’t Jordan just pull his head out of his ass and sell the track to me? Then all this deceit could be over with.
“Oh…good. I hope he lets up on your schedule. I’d love to actually see you again.” Kenzie laughed as she said it, but I saw the hurt in her eyes, saw the tightness in her smile. She’d given up her dream for me, and I was failing her.
I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from confessing everything. Maybe I should confess my sins. It was over with Jordan, so what was the point now? But no…I couldn’t give up on Kenzie’s dream too. One of us had to stay strong. Jordan couldn’t hold out forever. And maybe there was still a way…
“What are you thinking about?” Kenzie asked, jolting me from my thoughts.
Knowing I couldn’t tell her anything real yet, I said something relatively close to the truth. “How amazing you look, sprawled out on your bed, wearing nothing but the ring I bought you.”
She twisted the silver ring with three looping, intersecting infinity symbols. Then she gave me a devious smile and started walking backward toward the hallway. “What time do you have to leave?” she asked, her voice low and sensuous.
God, I wished I could say never. “Not for a while,” I answered, my body already stiffening in response to her.
“Good.” She gave me a playful smile, then turned and dashed into the bedroom. It took me exactly three seconds to catch up with her, but when I did, half her clothes were already on the floor. I helped her get the other half off, then laid her down, wearing only her ring.
The silver shone in the bright lights of her bedroom. As beautiful as the infinity ring was, I knew I would be replacing it one day with a proper engagement ring. Something even better than what I’d had Hookup get for Felicia. Assuming Kenzie would still have me after all this was over with. And God I hoped she did, because she was who I wanted. She was the girl of my dreams.
I kissed her ring finger, sealing that unknown promise, and Kenzie’s gaze turned adoring. “I’m still mad at you,” she whispered.
“I know,” I murmured. She had every right to be, for more reasons than she realized. Her anger was something I would never hold against her.
Wanting to distract myself from my troubles, I kissed all the way down her bare body. When I worked my way up her smooth legs, Kenzie started squirming in anticipation. I was rock hard, ready to be inside her, but I owed her a little euphoria first. I slid my tongue between her legs. Kenzie cried out, one hand clutching the bed, the other clutching my hair. Desire shot through me so hard, I thought I might come just by listening to her.
Needing to make up for my sins, I slowly stroked and teased her, giving her as much pleasure as I possibly could. Within seconds, both of her hands were clenched in my hair, and her back was arching as a series of breathless pants shifted into one long moan.
I pulled away from her, letting her enjoy the orgasm, and she pulled on me, leading me back to her mouth. Her kisses were fast, hungry, like coming once hadn’t been enough for her. She was more aggressive than she usually was, nibbling on my lip, raking her nails down my back. It brought to mind other times…with someone else. Someone I shouldn’t be thinking about right now.
As my body throbbed with need, on the edge of exploding, Kenzie groaned in my ear, “God…that mouth…I’ll never get enough.”
Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was the passion I felt simmering off her, maybe it was desire-induced delirium, but Kenzie’s words made it impossible to forget the past, and Felicia suddenly filled every corner of my mind. Her husky voice saying those exact same words flooded my ears, while memories of her body bounced around my head, throwing me into confusion. I couldn’t keep thinking about my ex with Kenzie writhing beneath me, it was so wrong. But fuck, I’d never been this turned on before. If I could let it continue, just a moment longer…
Fingers wrapped around me, urging me inside. God, yes… Felicia’s dark eyes filled my vision—that hungry, needy look she’d get when she was climbing the walls she was so ready for me. And fuck, I was ready for her too.
I pushed my way inside, and even through the overwhelming bliss, a part of me wanted to stop, wanted to take a minute to pull my shit together and focus on who I was really with. But as our hips rocked together, all self-control left me. This felt too good…it was too much to resist, and I couldn’t redirect my thoughts. The fantasy pulled me under, swept me away…and I let it. Kenzie’s wavy hair tossed over the pillows became Felicia’s. Kenzie’s breasts under my fingertips became Felicia’s. And Kenzie’s erotic gasps quickly sending me to the edge were Felicia’s. God, I’d nearly forgotten how good she felt.
With the pleasure building higher and higher, I sped up my hips. I needed to come in her, needed to claim her, needed to make sure she never left me again. Felicia met me thrust for thrust, calling out my name. Then she stiffened beneath me, letting out a long, loud cry as she came a second time. Her body internally squeezing mine was too much, and the explosion hit me a split-second later. Fuck…Felicia…yes.
As the high wore off, realization hit me like sucker punch to the gut. What the fuck had I just done? My stomach churned with disgust as the memory of my fantasy roiled through me. I’d turned Kenzie into Felicia…and I’d loved it. Holy fuck. How could I have done that to her? And was that cheating? I had no fucking clue, but I knew I felt sick, so…it must be…in some strange way. Goddamn it, I was gonna throw up, but I had to act like nothing was wrong. Like it had just been great sex. With my girlfriend. And no one else. Shit.
I wanted to jump out of bed and bail on Kenzie I felt so wretched. But I couldn’t. I had to stay there and cuddle with her while my stomach churned and acid burned my throat. Jesus, I was a horrible person. And the fact that I had to leave Kenzie to go meet up with Felicia didn’t make my gut feel any better. I deserved to get caught.
Eventually it was late enough that I could leave Kenzie without suspicion. My heart wasn’t in it when I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She shouldn’t let me kiss her. “I gotta go, babe. I’ll see you tomorrow night?” Say no. Say you never want to see me again.
Twisting to her back, Kenzie gave me a warm, satisfied, untroubled smile. “Yeah.”
Flashing her a quick smile, I kissed her cheek again, then got out of bed. As I hurriedly dressed, I hoped I’d start feeling better once I was away from Kenzie. I didn’t. At all. That sick feeling stayed with me the entire time I waited out the evening at Hookup’s place, and as we drove to the event that night, it intensified so much I thought I might have to cancel. Hookup would kill me if I missed two nights in a row though. I had to do this.
It wasn’t long after arriving at the bike-lined street that I saw the object of my confliction. Helmet under her arm, Felicia was walking my way with a smirk on her lips and a sway to her hips. The memory of coming inside Kenzie with Felicia on my mind struck me so hard, I had to look away from her. Shit. This was not good.
“Hey Hookup, Grunts…Hayden. How are you boys doing?”
The low tone of her voice sent a shiver through me, and I flashed her a quick glance. Did she know? No…there was no way she knew. It wasn’t possible for her to be in my head. Thank God.
Hookup clapped her on the back, like everything between them was back to normal, like she’d never abandoned us. “Ready for this, girl?”
I could feel her smile on me as she answered. “Born ready. This is just like old times, right, Hayden?”
Fuck. Why did she have to bring up old times? I was trying to forget, not remember. Still not looking at her, I mumbled, “Right…old times.” Twisting away from them, I turned to my bike. I overheard Hookup explaining the road to Felicia, but I barely paid attention. I needed to dig the thought of her body beneath mine out of my head. That was a long time ago, and some things were better left in the past.
After a moment, I felt her presence directly behind me. With a slow exhale, I turned my head to look at her. A curious expression was on her face as she studied me, and I suddenly wished I could discretely shut the visor on my helmet so she couldn’t see my eyes. Erotic moans filled my ears, and I had to turn away again. “What is it?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I murmured, squatting to examine my tires.
“Bullshit,” she said. “That wasn’t a nothing look. You feel guilty about something.”
Closing my eyes, I cursed internally. She could still read me like a book, and I really hated that she could. Standing, I made myself face her. She might have been the vision in my head, but I’d still been making love to Kenzie. Not her. “Being here isn’t exactly good for my relationship, so yeah, I feel a little guilty.” About several things.
She tilted her head to the side in a familiar look of curiosity. “Then why are you doing this?”
Maybe it was the fantasy’s fault, but I could help answering her this time. “To get Kenzie’s life back. She gave up everything to be with me, and it’s not…it’s not right.” Pain squeezed my chest at admitting that.
Understanding lit Felicia’s eyes. “Ah, I see. The two of you make so much more sense now. You feel obligated to her.”
Heat boiled my veins, obliterating the guilt. “No, I don’t. I love her.”
She nodded, like she didn’t doubt that. “Sure…but overriding that is this…debt…you feel toward her. How long do you think you have before that feeling drives you absolutely crazy?”
She lifted an eyebrow in expectation, and I clenched my fists. “It’s not obligation, Felicia, it’s loyalty…something you wouldn’t know anything about.”
The heat in her eyes grew to match the anger I felt blazing under my skin. “You don’t know anything about my loyalty, Hayden. Because you’re too scared to find out.”
“Scared? You think I’m scared of you?” I seethed. “Hardly. Fine, Felicia. Tell me this huge secret that you think will instantly make me forgive you.” Even as anger coursed through my veins, my heart started thumping in anticipation. No…I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to forgive her. Especially after that fantasy…
Felicia opened her mouth while I willed her to stop. Thankfully, Hookup grabbed her arm before she could say anything. “All right, girl, you’re up!” His head swiveled from her to me, and his grin grew mischievous. “Did I interrupt something? You two need a moment before the race?”
He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively, like I was going to take her around the corner and screw her or something. “No. You didn’t interrupt a thing.” I turned my back on her then, and stayed turned. If she wanted to speak to me, she’d have to speak to my ass.
I heard her grunt in irritation, then heard her leave with Hookup. Good. Moments later, she was at the starting line, waiting for the light to change. Hookup dragged me to the van to watch her helmet cam. I didn’t want to, but it was hard to look away once the race started; the adrenaline of the crowd swept me up.
Felicia made it to the first two checkpoints before her rival, and the crowd was seething with energy, expecting a win from her. Hookup was bouncing up and down, his glee nearly uncontrollable. And that was when the unthinkable happened. Felicia was racing down a main street, when a car suddenly turned in front of her. She managed to swerve and miss most of it, but her rear tire clipped the tail end of the car, and then she was rolling and spinning, her helmet cam showing a dizzying display of alternating dark sky, bright lights, and black concrete. I was on my bike, speeding her way, before I consciously realized it.
When I got to where her bike and body were sprawled on the sidewalk, I skidded my motorcycle to a stop. Leaping off, I dropped to my knees beside her. “Felicia?” I asked, gently raising her visor. Her eyes were closed, and I couldn’t tell if she was breathing. Studying her face for signs of life, I said her name again. “Felicia?”
Her eyes fluttered, then opened, and a pained exhale left her. Smiling at me, she whispered, “You do care.”
Relief and irritation blasted me. “Not wanting to see you splattered all over the road doesn’t equal caring.”
Her smile only grew. “It doesn’t equal hate either.” I could hear sirens in the background, could tell that someone—probably the car parked on the other side of the street—had called the cops. We couldn’t stay here, but I couldn’t stop staring at her either. Her hand weakly came up to touch my helmet. “You feel something for me…” she whispered.
Grabbing her hand, I lowered it to the ground, away from me. “I do. I feel…regret.” Her smile dropped, and the delight in her eyes faded. Something sharp in my chest told me I wasn’t being entirely honest, but I pushed the feeling away. This wasn’t the time or the place. “Now let’s get you out of here before we both get fired.”
Felicia gingerly picked up her bike. I could tell she was hurt worse than she was letting on. Her tight jeans were torn open at the knees, and I was sure the skin beneath them was a mangled mess. Since she wasn’t wearing gloves, I was positive her hands were scratched to hell too. Luckily her bike was in relatively good shape, and started right away. Hopping back on my own bike, I motioned for her to follow me, then got us out of there as quickly as possible.
When it was clear that we weren’t being chased by police or good, law-abiding Samaritans, I started looking for an open convenience store. Felicia needed to be bandaged up before the long journey home, or possibly taken to the hospital if her wounds were bad enough.
Spotting something to my right, I quickly pulled into the parking lot beside it. Felicia followed, and parked her bike right beside mine. Removing her helmet, she asked, “What are we doing here?”
Removing my own helmet, I indicated her ripped clothes. “Making sure you’re really okay.”
Her smile was warm, pleased, and inviting. She liked it when I showed that I cared about her. It made a confusing ripple of emotions go through me. Irritation and resistance to any sort of fondness for her, followed closely by memories of a time not all that long ago when I had been extremely fond of her. Fond enough to want to make her my wife.
“Thank you, Hayden,” she murmured, her voice low and sultry. It spoke to the basest parts of me, and I hated that it did.
I wanted to respond to her by telling her that she could take a flying leap and it wouldn’t bother me any, but I knew that wasn’t the truth, so I remained silent. Seemed the safest course of action.
When we got inside the store, I had her stand still so I could examine her legs. Both knees had bloody road rashes that looked pretty nasty and probably stung like a bitch. While they’d bled quite a bit, I knew from experience that it was mostly superficial. We’d just have to clean and wrap them. There was a pretty deep gash in her palm, but it wasn’t anything a little superglue wouldn’t fix.
By Felicia’s content smile, you’d think we were on a date or something. Seeing that grin annoyed me just as much as it brought back happier times between us. We’d been best friends before we’d turned lovers, and sometimes it was hard to shake that association. But the fact that she’d basically dragged our relationship over the concrete just as harshly as her knees had been dragged made it easier to push the past aside. I just wished she’d quit smiling.
I started walking down the aisles, looking for the first aid section, without even checking to see if she was following, and I only stopped when I found what I needed—bandages, gauze, wraps, peroxide, and glue. A racer’s best friends.
As I picked up a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, I noticed Felicia discretely slipping a box of Band-Aids under her jacket. Her back was to the camera, but I glanced up at the front register anyway. The person behind the counter was engaged in a book, not paying any attention to us. “What are you doing?” I hissed at her.
She gave me a look that made it clear I had just said something strange and outlandish. “I don’t have anything on me, Hayden. Just my driver’s license, and that won’t buy Band-Aids.”
I gritted my teeth before telling her, “I’ll cover it.”
Felicia raised a defiant eyebrow; she hated it when I tried to pay for her things. It was such a familiar look, that my chest tightened and my heart surged. God, it had been forever since I’d seen that look…and in a sick way, I’d kind of missed it. “You’ll do no such thing. And besides…we used to do this all the time, Hayden. Remember?”
I did, and those memories were dragging me under, taking me back to a time when Felicia had been my entire world. I’d been so sure about her, about us…
Shaking my head, I told her, “We were kids.”
She immediately countered, “We still are.”
No, we’re not. “I walked away from this,” I stated, my voice firm.
“From what?” she asked. “From having fun? From letting go and living a little? If that were true, you wouldn’t be racing for Hookup.” I hated what she was saying, but damn if there wasn’t a small nugget of truth to it. I couldn’t deny that a very small reason why I still raced for Hookup was the fact that it felt good.
Maybe seeing that she was getting to me, Felicia’s voice grew animated. “You used to have fun, Hayden. We used to have fun. Don’t you remember?” I started to look away from her pleading eyes, but she leaned in, and the intoxicating smell of jasmine brought me back to her. Face firm, she said, “You act like your life is carved in stone, unchangeable, but it’s not, Hayden. You can change anything about yourself that you want. Anything.”
I knew with certainty that she wasn’t really talking about my life in general. No, she was referencing one very specific point, one she’d do anything to change. Felicia was basically telling me to choose her over Kenzie, to choose our past, our history, our shared connection. And there was a microscopic part of me that was tempted to go along with her desires. That was why when she handed me a bottle of superglue, I subtly slipped it into my jacket pocket instead of putting it back on the shelf.
Felicia gave me a crooked smile. “There’s the guy I used to know.”
Grabbing a few more things, I quietly told her, “Let’s go.”
She giggled as she darted for the door, but I couldn’t share her merriment. A disorienting blend of disgust and excitement was coursing through me, and I couldn’t decide if I was going to be sick, or if I was having a great time. All I knew was that everything I was doing right now was wrong. Really, really wrong. The second I was outside, I wanted to go back in and pay for all the crap we’d taken. It was too late though; there was no turning back.
We hurried to our bikes waiting for us in a dark corner of the lot. I tried not to think about all the ways I’d fucked up tonight as Felicia ducked between the bikes. My melancholy mood worsened as I wondered why she was kicking off her boots. When she started unbuttoning her jeans, I figured it out. “What are you doing?” I asked, knowing full well why she was undressing.
Felicia gave me an odd look, but didn’t stop removing her jeans. “You wanted me to get cleaned up. Can’t do much with super-tight denim wrapped around me.”
I was assaulted by the sight of her long legs and barely-there underwear. Jesus Christ, if Kenzie knew…if she somehow came across us…I was screwed. Thoroughly, royally screwed. God, I was a horrible person. I’m sorry, Kenzie.
Felicia had her hand out as I stood there staring in shock and wallowing in shame. She cleared her throat and I finally realized what she wanted. As quickly as I could, I handed her the first aid stuff, then turned my back on her. Her deep throaty laugh met my ear. “I don’t care if you look, Hayden. I like it when you look.”
Heat rushed through my chest and up to my face, and I honestly couldn’t tell if I was embarrassed for getting caught staring, or if I was enticed by her comment. I tried to bring the image of Kenzie in her underwear to my mind. It was surprisingly difficult to do…my mind was too full of the “now.”
I heard Felicia hiss in a sharp breath, and turned my head to look at her. She was struggling with pouring the peroxide on her knees and wiping away the blood. Cursing under my breath, I shifted so I could help her. Grabbing the peroxide and gauze pad from her hands, I squatted down to get closer to her knees. Even though the dabbing and burning was obviously causing her discomfort, she flashed pained smiles at me whenever she could. Once she was as clean as I could get her, I gauzed and wrapped her knees. “Okay, you can put your pants on now,” I murmured, avoiding looking at her lean, smooth legs.
“You sure?” she asked, her fingers threading through my hair.
Instantly, I stood all the way up, took a step back, and turned around. I hadn’t been fast enough though. A tingle of excitement ran down my spine, which only made me feel worse. “Positive. Put on your pants so I can fix your hands.”
She sighed, but I could hear her complying with my request. When she was decently dressed, I looked back at her. She had her palms out to me, almost in supplication. “I’m yours,” she whispered. “Fix me.”
I had to swallow a lump in my throat as her words struck a nerve. No, you were mine, and I had thought I could fix you, keep you, make you happy enough to stay. But that hadn’t been the case, and it will never be the case. You belong to no one but yourself. And I need more than that.
I finished cleaning her up in silence. There was nothing more to say anyway.
***