CHAPTER 14
~Kenzie~
Time was moving so slowly, and yet, at the same time, it was speeding by faster than I could handle. It was already mid-July, and we were in Monterey, California for the fourth race of the season. The fourth race… There was only one left after this. One left, and I hadn’t raced at all. I was missing everything. The hole inside me had grown so large, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. My dream was gone, my family was shattered beyond repair, and I was earning a living visually entertaining men. I sickened myself. I didn’t even have Hayden to fall back on anymore. Not one hundred percent. He’d kept things from me, and the sting of that betrayal went deep.
Trust was such a funny thing. There were moments we were together when I would have flung myself into the abyss, trusting that Hayden would catch me. Then there were other times, darker times, when I doubted if he even wanted to be with me. It was a constant sword in my gut being pulled, pushed, prodded, and jostled; every direction I moved hurt, and there was no relief. Ever.
Obviously, today was one of the darker days.
“Hey, how are you doing, Kenzie?”
I looked over to see Myles and Nikki both giving me worried glances. Indicating the skimpy outfit I was wearing, I sarcastically said, “I’m great. Can’t you tell?”
Myles’s eyes drifted down my body. I could tell seeing me like that didn’t please him though; he was scowling. “You should be out there riding, Kenzie. You should be right on my ass, chasing me to the final five. It should be you…not Hayden.”
He still hadn’t warmed to my boyfriend, and I didn’t blame him. Besides the fact that Myles only briefly saw him at events, I was sure Nikki had told him everything about Felicia and Hayden’s little texting habit. God, I hoped he wasn’t still texting her. I’d considered stealing his phone and going through it on several occasions, but I hadn’t stooped to that level yet.
“Hayden deserves it too, Myles. He’s worked just as hard.” He was currently sitting in third place, right behind Myles and Jimmy. Felicia was in fourth. Something I tried very hard not to think about.
Myles rolled his eyes and looked away, annoyance clear on his face. Instead of placing blame with my father, a man Myles deeply respected, Myles was laying one hundred percent of the blame on Hayden. I supposed it was easier that way for him. Being disappointed by someone you cared about left ugly scars across the soul.
“So,” Nikki said, clearing her throat. “We’re all going out tonight, right?” She looked at me when she said it. Myles was already in; he’d probably picked the place.
I shook my head. “Hayden won’t be. He has a thing with Keith.” I couldn’t keep the sneer out of my voice. I was getting really sick of Keith stealing my boyfriend all the time. And parading him around at parties…it was a flimsy excuse, one that stretched my trust to its limits.
Nikki scoffed, like her trust had already snapped. “Right…well, guess it’s the three musketeers then.”
Over Nikki’s shoulder, I saw Felicia walk by, a satisfied smile on her face. The three of us were sitting on a patch of grass in what was considered neutral territory, so Keith wouldn’t bust Myles’s ass. Felicia was holding two coffees, one in each hand. She was clearly walking back to the Benneti garage to get ready for the autograph session. Was one of those coffees for Hayden? Better not be.
Nikki saw my attention shift and looked over to see what I was looking at. She glanced back at me with a calculating expression on her face, then yelled, “Hey, Felicia! Come here!”
I almost reached out and smacked her. “What are you doing?” I hissed.
“Giving you peace of mind,” she told me.
Right. As if that was possible anymore.
Felicia looked confused at first; Nikki didn’t talk to her much, and I never talked to her. She glanced around like she was searching for an attacker, then she slowly sauntered our way. “What’s up?” she asked, suspicion in her voice.
Nikki’s smile was saccharin sweet. “We’re all going out tonight, and we thought it would be great if you came along.” I had to grab my hand and hold it in my lap to keep from socking her in the arm. What the fuck was Nikki doing?
Felicia’s eyes widened in shock, then she smiled. “That’s very sweet…but I can’t. Keith is taking me to some party thing tonight. Sorry.” She shrugged, then walked away. I felt like that hole in my chest had just tripled in size; next to nothing was holding me together now. She was going to Keith’s thing too? What the fuck?
Eyes wide, I locked gazes with Nikki. She grimaced, and her face turned empathic. “Well, that backfired. I’m so sorry, Kenzie. I didn’t know Keith took them both to these things.”
Standing up, I brushed the grass off my ass. “I didn’t either.” Hayden had always sworn it was just him. When had that changed? And why the hell hadn’t he told me?
When I found Hayden, he was just leaving a meeting with Keith and his crew chief. His green eyes sparkled with joy at seeing me. Then he noticed the look on my face. “Hey…you all right?”
“Funny thing,” I snipped. “Nikki got a wild hair up her ass and invited Felicia to go out with us tonight.”
Hayden’s brows drew together. “Why the hell would Nikki invite Felicia? And where are you guys going? You know I’ve got that thing…”
“With Keith. Yeah, I know. That’s the funny part…Felicia said the exact same thing. She’s going with you,” I hissed, my fingers digging into my palms. The only reason I’d been semi-okay with all of this, was because he’d been going alone with Keith. Now he was going to be with Keith and Felicia, and knowing Keith, he probably wouldn’t be around much. It would be Hayden and Felicia…alone…all night.
Hayden closed his eyes and sighed. Annoyance and irritation morphed his face before it smoothed into resignation. Reopening his eyes, he told me, “It’s the first time he’s invited her. But it’s just a work thing, Kenzie. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“Of course it doesn’t,” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm. “The texts, the interviews, the onscreen kiss, and now the private parties—of course it all means nothing. What the hell was I thinking.”
I spun on my heel and stormed off. I heard Hayden following me, calling my name, and I turned again with my hands out, stopping him. “Don’t. Just leave me alone. I can’t…I can’t do this right now.”
Hayden stopped where I’d asked him to, his shoulders sagging in defeat. A part of me knew he hated this just as much as I did, but I was too ticked off to care. As far as I could tell, Hayden was getting his cake and eating it too. He was still racing. He was on top of the world. He had me by his side, and his ex following closely on his heels. I had nothing, and he had the world in his pocket. It wasn’t fair.
Not knowing where else to go, I returned to Nikki and Myles. They were both standing now, looking concerned. I hated people looking at me that way. I was fine. But as I stared at the question in their eyes, I began to reconsider whether I should go out with them tonight. Maybe I should hang back, stay close in case something happened with Hayden and Felicia at the party. Like I would know? Like I could do anything to stop it? Unless I wanted to spy on Hayden and follow him to the shindig, I couldn’t do anything. And I wasn’t about to resort to spying. Yet.
Maybe seeing my turmoil, Nikki quietly told me, “You’re not backing out, are you? I think it would be good for you to come have fun with us. You’ll only worry if you’re alone.” Stepping closer, she said, “You can’t make him be faithful, Kenzie. He either will be or he won’t be. And in a way, testing him like this might be a good thing. If he’s true to you, great, he’s a keeper. And if he’s not…then good riddance. He didn’t deserve you anyway.”
It sounded so simple put like that. So right…and yet, so hard too. Because letting Hayden go off on this thing with Felicia kind of felt like setting dry kindling on a pile of almost extinguished coals. Hayden was all I had left, and I didn’t want to lose him. But Nikki had a point, and letting fear control me wasn’t doing either of us any favors. And maybe she was right about testing the waters. Question was, with all the doubt hovering between us, I wasn’t sure if we’d sink or swim. “Yeah, sure…I’ll go out with you guys.”
After the autograph session, I went straight to my hotel room and changed. Hayden and I were sharing a room, and it was really difficult to see his things spread everywhere. He was going out with Felicia tonight, and regardless of how he felt about it, she was going to be all over him. I hated it. All of it.
Grabbing my things, I left the room as quickly as I could. Maybe it was petty, but I wasn’t coming back tonight. Let Hayden worry about me for a change. Nikki was already waiting for Myles in his room—she had a key—so I headed down the street to his hotel. Eager to get away from the track, I’d left “work” a little early. Okay, maybe I’d just been eager to get away from Hayden. I never thought I’d feel that way, but he’d been giving me puppy-dog eyes all day, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Nikki let me in when I tapped on Myles’s door; there was a look on her face that could only be described as disgust. “I think we need to have an intervention with Kelley,” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked. Then she let me inside, and I completely understood. We’d only just arrived here the night before, but Myles’s hotel room was completely trashed, like he’d been here for weeks. “How does garbage follow him everywhere?”
Nikki laughed, then sighed. “I don’t know, but if he ever wants a woman to stick around, he better fix this shit.”
Nikki made us a drink from supplies she’d brought with her, while I tried to find a clean place to sit on the couch. Myles had upgraded his room to a deluxe suite, so it was decently sized with a jumbo TV and a private bedroom separate from the main sitting area. Even still, every inch of it was covered in clothes, energy drink cans and takeout containers. It was like he’d brought extra garbage with him.
He showed up just as Nikki was finishing our Cosmos. She threw a lime wedge at him the minute she saw him. “Kelley, you are such a slob!”
Unaffected by the surprise attack, Myles watched the lime wedge fall off his chest and land on the floor beside a discarded bag of chips. Grabbing a banana peel off the floor—the only evidence I could see that Myles had eaten something even partly nutritious lately—I said with a smirk, “Don’t bother cleaning up for us or anything.”
“Never do,” he answered with a wink.
Nikki let out a loud groan. “You desperately need a woman in your life, Myles.” Plugging her nose, she lifted a bag from the counter that was leaking a little.
Laughing, Myles told her, “Why do I need a woman, when I have the two of you?”
Giving him a blank stare, Nikki stated, “Sex, Myles. You need a woman—who isn’t one of us—for sex.”
Frowning, Myles nodded. “That’s true. I’ve been in sort of a dry spell since moving up north. I just can’t seem to find the right tactic for the San Fran crowd.”
Looking around, Nikki told him, “Well, if your house looks even remotely like this hotel room—for the love of God—don’t take your women there. You’ll remain celibate for the rest of your life.”
Sweet smile on his face, Myles flipped her off. Then he clapped his hands, truly excited. “Hurry and finish your drinks. I found the perfect place…” Nikki handed my drink to me as I was rolling my eyes at Myles. Of course he had.
The bar that Myles ended up taking us to later had a Bavarian theme to it. Jaunty accordion music was playing through the speakers, while the scent of bratwurst and sauerkraut wafted from the kitchen. Even the staff was in on the act. The boys were wearing lederhosen and feathered caps, while the girls had on super-short skirts and blonde pigtail wigs. It was year-round Oktoberfest.
How Myles kept finding places like this, I had no idea.
The three of us sat down at a table and ordered stout beers from a peppy waitress who spoke with a fake accent. While Myles and Nikki entertained themselves by counting all the goats they saw in the various paintings, I dwelled on the fact that my boyfriend was out with another woman. Kind of. I considered texting him, then changed my mind. What would I say? How are you doing? Hope you and Felicia are having a great time? Don’t sleep with her please. No, I didn’t want to say any of those things right now. I just wanted to pretend everything was fine for a few hours.
Myles snapped me out of my dark thoughts by asking a question that, in its own way, made me feel even worse. “So, Kenzie, how is your family doing? I mean…I know things are strained with your dad right now, but how are your sisters?”
A sour grunt escaped me. “Wouldn’t know. All they did was bitch at me whenever I talked to them, so I just stopped talking to them.”
Nikki’s dark eyes widened in shock, then shifted to sympathy; I hadn’t told her about that yet. I just hadn’t been able to. “I’m sorry, Kenzie. That really…that really sucks.”
Myles mumbled a similar sentiment, then silence enveloped the table. The waitress arrived with our beers a few minutes later. She said something in a foreign language that I assumed meant, “Drink up!” With pain and regret squeezing my chest, I immediately started sipping mine.
Myles had a mystified expression on his face when I looked back at him, like he didn’t understand how things had gotten so bad between my family. It was a look I understood, since I often felt the same way. Setting down my beer with a forlorn sigh, I told them, “I’m the black sheep now, and everyone hates me.”
“Because of Hayden.” I was sure Myles had meant that as a question, but it sounded more like a statement.
Shaking my head, I told him, “Because I didn’t let my dad dictate every single aspect of my life.” After a moment of consideration, I nodded, “And because of Hayden.”
“Is he worth it, Kenzie? Worth everything you’ve sacrificed? Worth everything you’re…going through.” Myles looked truly confused that I had traded in everything for Hayden. Sometimes it confused me too—especially now. Months ago, I would have told him it was absolutely worth it, but now…well, I just wasn’t sure anymore.
Shaking that pain out of my head, I ignored his question and took another long swig of beer. Setting it down, I told him, “I’ll race again, Myles.” Somehow.
Myles studied me for a moment, then nodded. “Good. Because I really can’t stand seeing you dressed up as a Benneti model. It’s just…wrong…on every level.”
“Amen to that,” I said, holding up my glass. Nikki and Myles laughed as they clinked my glass, and I made a vow right then and there to get back on my bike by next year. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew there had to be a way.
We all downed our beers, then ordered another. And another. Several hours later, we were in a cab, heading back to Myles’s hotel room. Myles kept saying he was shocked to see me drunk. “You used to be so rigid. You wouldn’t even drink two different forms of alcohol in one night. You said you couldn’t afford to be off your game the next day, and now…”
“Now I don’t give a shit,” I tittered. Well, I did still give a shit, I just didn’t have a “game” to be “off” of. Guess that was one positive thing about being a part-time employee in a job that required very little skill. I didn’t have to spend my free time training. All I had to do was smile, look pretty, and be as friendly as possible to everyone I met. I was still working on that last one.
We all chipped in to pay the cab driver once we reached the hotel, then we stumbled inside and made our way back up to Myles’s room. Myles immediately headed for the kitchen area to make more drinks, while Nikki turned on the TV. She found some music station and started dancing while Myles poured shots into disposable Dixie cups. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to drink anymore, but I also didn’t want to be called rigid again either.
Myles came over with a room service tray filled with enough tiny cups for a frat party, and I snorted when I saw it. “Jesus, Kelley, getting us drunk won’t help your celibacy problem.” Or help him race tomorrow. But Myles was one of those rare riders who rode better with a hangover. He truly was a freak of nature.
With a laugh, Myles shook his head. “This is all for me. I’m too lazy to pour shots all night, too classy to drink straight from the bottle.” He winked after he said it, and Nikki rolled her eyes. Grabbing two cups, she downed them before he could even blink. I grabbed one too, while Myles protested that we were both cruel and selfish.
When the tray was littered with empty glasses, and the three of us could no longer stand, we collapsed onto the couch in a tangle of arms and legs. Myles broke free to grab the remote, then changed the station to some show about stupid stunts gone wrong. He snuggled into Nikki’s side, and the two of them started laughing in unison as the show sucked them in.
The tug of excess alcohol was pulling me under, and before long I was yawning almost nonstop. Just as I was about to excuse myself to Myles’s bedroom and leave the two of them on the couch, Myles suddenly grabbed Nikki’s hand and pulled her to her feet. “Come be my spoon,” he said, dragging her into his room. So much for that idea.
Nikki raised a weary hand in a small wave as she stumbled off with Myles. I could hear her giggling after the bedroom door shut, and I closed my eyes with a laugh. Wasn’t the first time Nikki had been Myles’s spoon. They were very cuddly friends, always had been and probably always would be. Whoever they ended up with would have to be very accepting of their relationship. Thank God Hayden and Felicia weren’t like them, because I already knew I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t even handle Hayden and his ex being on speaking terms. I supposed that situation was slightly different than two flirty best friends though.
I was too tired to grab the remote and turn off the TV, so I left it on and pulled a blanket from the back of the couch around myself. Just as I was drifting off, the TV started playing a movie that must have been on the kinky side. As sounds of huffing and puffing met my ear, I drifted off to sleep.
My inebriated slumber quickly morphed into a dream that felt so real, I immediately forgot I was dreaming. It was the middle of the day, and I was walking through my home, but everything inside it looked different. I didn’t recognize the furniture, the decorations, the photos…nothing. It was like it was somebody else’s house and it just happened to look exactly like mine.
I called out for Hayden to see if he was there. I could hear some sort of banging sound coming from the bedroom, so I headed that way. The sounds got louder the closer I inched, and they were mixed with heavy breathing and light moans. My heart started thudding in my chest as dread cemented my feet. “Hayden?” I whispered, hoping against all hope that he wasn’t in the bedroom, and that those intimate sounds weren’t coming from him.
The door was cracked when I stepped in front of it. I raised my hand to push on it, then stopped. There were two clear sets of erotic noises inside—one lower, like a man’s, one higher, like a woman’s. I suddenly knew that if I pushed open the door, I was going to see something I didn’t want to see. I can just walk away, pretend none of this is happening. I was just about to do it too—just about to bury my head in the sand in a vain attempt to avoid the pain—when I heard the woman mutter, “Oh God…”
Rage pulsed through me, and I couldn’t turn around anymore. I pounded on the door with my fist, shoving it open. The bed was right there in front of me, and the two people I absolutely didn’t want to see together were there on top of it. Hayden and Felicia. They were completely naked, arms and legs wrapped around each other. Hayden was pushing his body into her while Felicia rocked her hips into his. Neither one stopped their movements, and their bodies thrusted together over and over in an escalating rhythm that was clearly leading to something epic. Pure ecstasy was on both of their faces, and my stomach twisted and turned into a knot of disgust.
“Hayden…stop.” Even though I was blazing with anger, my voice felt small and weak. Hayden heard me though. He opened his eyes and looked at me, but he didn’t stop moving with Felicia, didn’t stop having sex with her.
“Kenzie? I didn’t think you’d be back until later.” He groaned after he said it, then sped up his hips and closed his eyes again. I couldn’t watch this, but I couldn’t turn away either. I wanted to rip them apart, but I couldn’t move. I could feel hot tears streaming down my cheeks. This couldn’t be happening.
Hayden’s jade eyes reopened, and he cringed in pleasure. “I’m glad you’re here, there’s something I need to—” His voice cut off as his mouth opened, and his face crumpled in euphoria. Felicia cried out beneath him, her dark silky hair fanned out around her head like a halo. The pair turned to face each other as they came, and I was finally able to move. I ran right to the bathroom, fell in front of the toilet, and began to throw up, but not before I heard Hayden whisper, “I love you, Felicia.”
I woke up on the bathroom floor the next morning with the taste of vomit in my mouth. My heart was thundering in my chest as I tried to remember what was real and what wasn’t. Was I home? Had I just walked in on Hayden and Felicia screwing? Oh God, please no.
My eyes fluttered closed and my cheek rested on the cool tile. As tears filled my eyes, memories slowly started returning. Myles. Nikki. The German bar. The tray of shots. Falling asleep on the couch to the sound of the damn erotic movie. A dream…it was a dream. Thank God.
But unfortunately, that dream had been too closely tied to reality. Shit. It could have happened. He could have had sex with her last night. It could all be over today.
Myles and Nikki stumbled out of the bedroom not too much later. I was still in the bathroom when Myles found me. I glanced up at him from the floor, anger in my eyes; his were blank, but his face looked kind of green. Well, if he needed the space, he was going to have to wait his turn. I wasn’t going anywhere for a while. “I hate you, Kelley,” I croaked.
He tried to smirk at me, but it came out more like a grimace. He wisely left the room.
It was at least an hour later before I felt well enough to leave the bathroom, and even then, I only truly left because I had to get to the track. Myles and Nikki were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, looking like they were on the verge of passing out. We’d all overdone it last night, but I was sure I was the one who had paid the biggest price; that nightmare was going to haunt me for hours. “Don’t be late,” I grunted as I gathered my things.
They both gave me some sort of response, but neither one moved. Today was going to suck. And what made it even worse was the fact that I had to go back to the hotel room to get my uniform. I’d really rather hold off on seeing Hayden for a few more hours. Maybe days. The image of him and Felicia together was just too strong. And it didn’t help at all that he’d actually been with her last night. Hopefully not like my dream, but still…
I glanced at my phone on the cab ride over to my hotel, and saw that Hayden had texted and called at least a dozen times. At least I’d been on his mind. But for how much of the evening? Once I arrived at my hotel, I trudged to my room. I slipped my key card into the door as quietly as possible, but the unlocking sound still seemed loud to my ears. The door seemed extra heavy when I pushed it open too. I really just wanted to curl into bed and not move for several hours. Why was life so cruel?
Hayden was on me almost the instant I got through the door. “Where have you been? I was worried sick!” And he did look worried, like he hadn’t slept at all. Was that because of me though, or because of her?
“Now you know how it feels,” I muttered under my breath. I’d wondered where he was on more occasions than I wanted to count.
He heard my rumblings, and a storm of anger started brewing in his sea-green eyes. “That’s not fair,” he stated.
Hayden complaining about fairness instantly enflamed me. “None of this is fair! I’m a fucking model, and you’re…living the high life.”
His jaw tightened, causing a vein to poke out on his neck. “And it’s all my fault, right?”
With a groan, I shuffled over to the dresser to grab my Benneti outfit. “I didn’t say that, Hayden. Don’t put words in my mouth.”
Following me, he spat out, “But you were thinking it, right? I knew you’d eventually start resenting me. I never asked you to give up your dream for me.”
That stopped me dead cold. “So you wanted me to break up with you? You wanted me to choose racing over you?”
“Now who is putting words in people’s mouths? No, that’s not what I want. I just…” he sighed, and some of the anger in his expression faded. “I’m trying…I wish I could…I wish I could explain, wish I could convince you…”
Hands on my hips, I turned to face him. “You could start by telling me what happened at the party with you and Felicia?” Did you flirt with her? Dance with her? Go home with her?
A spark of annoyance rekindled in his eyes. “Nothing happened. How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not interested in her? How many different ways can I say that you’re the only girl for me? When will you believe me?”
And that was the crux of the matter, wasn’t it? Because the truth was, so long as she was in the picture, I didn’t think I’d ever one hundred percent believe him. Even if he was perfect. Even if he wasn’t keeping things from me. My eyes began filling with tears as a desolate future of distrust filled my vision. “The painful truth is, Hayden…I’ll never entirely believe you. I can’t, not while she’s in your life.”
Hayden gaped at me, shocked. “Then where does that leave us, Kenzie?”
“I don’t know.” And it broke my heart not to.
Hayden and I were silent after that. There just wasn’t anything else to say. I got dressed in my uniform, he got ready to go to the track. Then we went downstairs, hopped in his sporty rental car, and drove to the track, all in silence. The stillness was so thick between us, it was almost suffocating. But there was nothing that could be done about it, and that was the worst part. We were on paths neither one of us could change, and unfortunately, they were heading in opposite directions.
Hayden had a good day on the racetrack, finishing third while Myles finished second. Felicia snapped up fourth place, a fact that grated every nerve inside me. I hated that she was good at her job, I hated that she had a history with Hayden that wouldn’t go away, I hated that she was here at all. Would Hayden and I be having all these trust issues if she were gone? Probably not. And that really made me wonder…were all successful relationships purely circumstantial? If everyone was tested like we were being tested, would every couple fail? Did love need optimal conditions to survive? That thought didn’t make me feel good about anyone’s chances.
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