CHAPTER 19
~Kenzie~
I ended up spending the night at Nikki’s. Every time I thought about leaving, I found another reason to stay. Laughing over sappy movies with my best friend helped tame the pain, but it was there, waiting to attack when I woke up. My soul felt like I’d gone toe-to-toe with a heavyweight—everything hurt.
Nikki didn’t want to miss two days in a row, so I faked as big of a smile as I could. “I’m fine; you should absolutely go to work.”
She raised a suspicious eyebrow at me, but she nodded as she started getting ready. To go to work. To go see Hayden. To go see Felicia. Images of Felicia leaving the hospital, right after Hayden, slammed into my brain so hard my breath caught. Where had she gone? What had she done? What had Hayden done? Because there was no way in hell she hadn’t taken advantage of that moment and tried to slip into his arms. And I doubted Hayden had pushed her away. Not after everything they’d gone through, everything they’d been doing lately. I wondered if he felt bad now, or if he felt like things were finally how they should be. Either way, he was an asshole; the sheets on my bed weren’t even cold yet.
“Hey, if you see…? Could you not…?” My insubstantial questions trailed off as indecision and torment overwhelmed me. If Hayden was with Felicia now, did I want to know? Or did I want to stay blissfully ignorant? And if, by some miracle, he wasn’t with her, and there was still some spark of hope for us…did I want to know that either? Which one was worse? I wasn’t sure anymore.
Nikki’s face softened as she studied my face. “I won’t say anything about…anything…to anyone. Even you.”
Grateful that she understood, I threw my arms around her in a quick hug. “Thank you, for everything.” Pulling back, I looked her in the eye. “You should talk to Myles. I’m sure he’s just as confused as you. Maybe you guys can figure it out together.”
She rolled her eyes, but nodded again. “Yeah… God, that conversation is going to suck.”
I laughed at her comment, then started grabbing my stuff. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you jumped his bones.”
Annoyance on her face, she tossed a couch pillow at me. “Bitch.”
I was laughing as I left her place, but the mirth didn’t last long. The closer I got to my house, the more the past infiltrated my brain. Everything reminded me of Hayden, even stupid stuff that shouldn’t have—the crack in the road that had been there for years, the crook in the tree in my neighbor’s yard, the oil stain in my driveway. Everywhere I turned, I was assaulted again and again by the man who’d broken my heart. The grief was slowly crushing me.
My eyes were filled with tears when I opened my garage and pushed my bike inside. Seeing my dusty Ducatis in the corner made the tears roll down my cheeks. They reminded me of racing, they reminded me of Dad, they reminded me of Hayden. All I saw now was pain when I looked at them. I should sell them both, rid myself of the reminders. Just the thought of following through with that made me feel nauseous though. Telling my father I could start over in a new field was one thing, actually doing it was another. Racing was all I’d ever wanted…
Feeling wiped from head to toe, I stumbled into the house. Looking around the kitchen only made the emptiness inside me worse. We’d made love on that island…
Shifting my focus, I headed toward the living room. No reprieve there. We’d spent too many hours snuggled on the couch, watching random documentaries on the history of motorcycles. I knew my bedroom would hold the worst memories of all of them, so I stayed put in the living room. Maybe I’d go surfing. Maybe being on the water would wash away my pain. I doubted it. Nothing was going to help. But time.
Sighing in defeat, I laid down on my couch that still faintly smelled like Hayden, and let the grief out in wracking sobs that only ended when I ran out of tears.
* * *
I didn’t move far from the couch for three days. Some small segment of my brain knew I would eventually have to pick myself up, dust off the hurt, and go make something of my life, whatever it was now. But every time I tried to move forward, I rewound to the past. Where had it all gone wrong? Felicia? Or earlier than that? If Cox Racing had survived, would my life be any different right now? Probably not. It had all started with my decision to trust Hayden, because, as it turned out, he wasn’t trustworthy. I was a fool.
With that disturbing thought firmly stuck in my mind, I forced my stiff legs to rise off the couch. The ground around me was littered in soggy facial tissues. Whenever I thought I was done crying and no more tears could possibly form, another torrent brought me to my knees. I was starting to get a little sick of it.
My goal for today was to get out of my pity party funk and go see Antonia. She was still at the hospital, still not doing well. I’d talked to Izzy every night, but I hadn’t made it out of my house to visit again, and I was angry and riddled with guilt over the fact that I wasn’t there. Enough was enough. My first stop before I left the house, though, had to be the bathroom. I hadn’t showered or changed my clothes in days—I was still avoiding my bedroom. Luckily, no one had dropped in to check on me. Nikki called frequently, but she was busy at the track and busy trying to work up the nerve to talk to Myles. Every time she talked to me, she apologized for not coming over. I always assured her I was fine, and it was fine, and I was getting by just fine. All complete shit, but she seemed to buy it. So, every day I was left alone, wallowing in grief. Until today.
The doorbell suddenly going off made me freeze in my tracks. My heart pounded as I waited for the telltale Christmas songs that would announce Hayden was waiting behind the dark wood. Please, God, no. If and when he came crawling back, wanting to talk about us, I wanted to look like a million bucks. I wanted to look like I was totally over him, had seamlessly moved on, like the breakup hadn’t affected me at all. But if he saw me right now, he’d know that wasn’t true. He’d see the devastation on my face, see the heartache in the tissues around me, sense the agony I just couldn’t seem to shake.
I wanted to run, but I couldn’t move. The doorbell rang again, but there wasn’t a hidden melody in the sound, just the normal ring of someone trying to see if I was home. It wasn’t him. Relief and pain hit me at the same time, and I could feel the tears resurfacing. God, I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. If I ignored them, surely whoever it was would go away.
“Kenzie? You home? I know you’re mad, but please open the door…”
The familiarity of the woman’s voice made a pang go through me, and I had to put a hand on my chest to massage the ache. Theresa? I hadn’t heard from her in so long. Because every time we’d talked, she’d berated me for hurting Dad. She hadn’t once listened to my side of the story, and that really pissed me off. Anger hurt a hell of lot less than despair, so I greedily embraced it.
Filling myself to the brim with rage, I nearly pulled the door off its hinges, I yanked it open so hard. Theresa and Daphne were both standing there, forlorn expressions on their faces. Theresa’s eyes watered as she examined me. “Oh, Kenzie…”
The sympathy in her voice was more than I could handle. “What the hell are you doing here?” I snapped, my gaze going past Theresa to include Daphne as well.
Daphne bit her lip, looking uncomfortable. Theresa sighed. “We messed up, Kenzie. We let Dad convince us that you were the one being cruel, saying mean things, shutting him out. He made it sound like he was innocent, like he was the one wronged, and we bought it—hook, line and sinker.”
My mouth hung open in shock. I was the one saying horrible things? Far from it. Dad had gotten his digs in whenever he’d had the chance, and I’d held back more often than not. Dad was the cruel one, not me. Seeing my expression, Theresa shook her head. “After you…cut ties with him, he finally admitted he’d been lying, about everything. We’re so sorry we believed him. We’re so sorry we didn’t give you a chance.”
Damn straight they’d messed up. “You both acted like I was a horrible person. You took Dad’s side on everything, you left me with no family at all…and why? Because Dad didn’t like my boyfriend? That’s fucked up.” They both cringed at my words, like I’d physically struck them. “I thought we were all closer than that. I thought we were family, unbreakable. I didn’t think family did shit like that to each other. Obviously, I thought wrong.”
I started closing the door, but Theresa put her hand up, stopping it from closing. “Kenzie, please. We’re sorry. We know we screwed up, we should have believed you, but you know how convincing Dad can be, and you have been doing things that are so unlike you. What were we supposed to think?”
My anger cooled somewhat, I was well aware of how manipulative Dad could be, but they hadn’t given me a chance to properly explain my side of the situation. “If the tables were turned, I would hear you guys out, no matter what Dad said you did.”
Theresa let out a shaky exhale. “Dad said Hayden was corrupting you—changing you. He told us about the street racing, Kenzie. Was that true?” Biting my lip, I nodded. Yes, unfortunately, that part was very true. Theresa shook her head. “He told us about the gambling, the lying, and the way you just gave up your dream for Hayden, the way you crushed Dad…it was all so surreal. Dad said Hayden was dangerous, and you were choosing him over your family. He said we had to be hard as steel to get you back. And we believed him.” A tear fell to her cheek, and my heart broke at seeing it. “We were hurt, and scared, and angry, Kenzie. We thought we were losing you.”
Everything inside me wanted to run to my sister, wrap my arms around her in a fierce hug, and tell her I forgave her. But she’d hurt me so much; my insides were radiating with pain so badly, I felt like I might have to be admitted to the hospital soon. My throat was tight with emotion, but I managed to croak out a response. “Oh…” The word felt insufficient, but it was all I could say.
Daphne stepped forward, so she was even with Theresa. Her pale blue eyes examined me from head to foot, much like Theresa had when I’d first opened the door. “Are you okay, Kenzie? You look…awful.”
I had to laugh at that, and a trace amount of pain left me. “I feel awful. I thought I’d had it all…but I lost everything that mattered.”
“Maybe not,” Daphne said with a small smile on her face. Mischief blazed in her eyes, and her happiness was unmistakable.
“What do you mean?” I asked her.
Theresa was the one who answered. “Look, we know we’re not your favorite people right now, and we know you’re not going to forgive us for what we did anytime soon, but…we’d really like to show you something. Will you come with us?”
Suspicion and irritation ripped up my spine. “Where?”
Theresa’s smile was small and sad. “Just trust us, okay?”
Trust. I wasn’t sure if I believed in that word anymore, but there was nothing left, so what did I have to lose? “Fine. But can I shower first?”
They both gave me wide, satisfied smiles. “Of course,” Daphne beamed. “We’ll just come in and wait for you to finish.”
I opened the door wider to let them in, and it felt odd to have them there, like they were strangers, not beloved family. A part of me wanted that feeling to go away, another part of me wanted to hold it close, stoke the fire of separation. They had done this to us after all.
But I wouldn’t be that petty. I would put aside my pride and hear them out. Only I could heal us now, and I didn’t want to let my demons get in the way of the possibility of getting my family back. Part of them anyway. I didn’t have the same desire to reconnect with my father. He’d gone too far.
I languished in the shower, letting the hot water soothe my internal aches and pains. I had no idea what they wanted to show me, or how it could possibly fix things between us, but just having them around was already slowly mending something inside, and for the first time in days, hope began to bloom.
They both jumped off the couch when I reentered the living room. I could feel the stress coming off them in waves, and I knew they felt badly about what they’d done. Did Dad? Or was he just upset that things hadn’t worked out liked he’d wanted? “All right, I’m ready.” Let’s get this over with.
We climbed into Daphne’s gargantuan SUV, and I again asked them where we were going. They only smiled as they turned to look at me in the back seat. “You’ll see,” Daphne chirped.
It only took a handful of miles for me to figure out where we were headed. The track. Which was the last place I wanted to go. My healing heart was much too fragile for that level of stress. “If we’re going where I think we’re going, you can turn this thing around right now. I’m not going back there.”
Theresa’s eyes met mine in the rearview mirror. “You said you would hear us out, Kenzie. You said you would trust us, so just…keep an open mind.”
Technically, I’d only said fine. I wasn’t sure that meager word covered everything she’d just said, but unless I was going to jump out of a moving vehicle, I was at their mercy. “Whatever,” I muttered, turning to gaze at the familiar landscape racing past the window.
Long before I was ready, Daphne pulled her SUV down the road that led to my personal hell. When we got to the outer gate, she slipped in a key card, something I thought was odd since all the Cox Racing issued key cards had been collected. I was too annoyed to ask her about it, but my curiosity was piqued. Why were we here?
She drove through the parking lot to the inner gate, then drove through that and headed toward the old Cox garages. I purposely kept my gaze from the Benneti side of the track, but my entire body burned with the knowledge that Hayden was nearby.
As we got closer to the Cox buildings, I noticed something odd. The garage door was open. My first thought was that the Bennetis had broken in and trashed the place—a very real possibility since Keith was even more pissed at my family than he’d been before—but then I noticed Dad’s truck parked in the empty garage. Oh, hell no.
“Stop the car and let me out, Daphne,” I snapped.
She sighed as she kept her slow pace toward our father. “No, Kenzie. This is going to happen, just accept it.”
Anger roiled in my belly as I shifted my glare to Theresa. “I said I’d listen to you guys. I never said anything about listening to Dad.”
Theresa turned in her seat to look at me. “You’re going to want to hear what he has to say. Trust me.”
I was sick of hearing that word, sick of people keeping me in the dark, sick of a lot of things. But I was also tired of being alone. “This better be good, Theresa.”
With a smirk, she turned back to face the front. Under her breath, I heard her mutter, “Oh, it is...”
Rage and hurt were battling within me as she stopped the car in front of the open garages. For a moment, I considered staying in the SUV like a pouting child, but I wasn’t a kid anymore, and I could face my father. And besides, unlike every other confrontation I’d had with him, I wasn’t the one begging for something. The ball was in his court now.
Shoving open my door, I slammed it shut behind me. Daphne gave me dagger eyes for a second before fixing her face into a forced smile. I almost apologized for being rough with her vehicle, but Dad stepped out of the open garage door before I could. And he wasn’t alone.
My heart seized in my chest as Hayden walked out of my family’s garage…with my father. It was such an improbable scenario that, for a second, I was positive I was hallucinating. Then Hayden smiled at me, and the ache of loss broke open the tender seal holding my mangled heart together. His dirty blond hair was shaggier than before, distressed, like he was constantly running his hand through it. A thicker than usual layer of stubble blanketed his jaw line, and his jade eyes were worn, like he was holding on by a thread. The smile on his full lips was small, sad, and there was tension in the way he was standing; it was almost like he was holding himself back.
I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound would come out of me. My father shifted his weight between his feet, for the first time ever looking very unsure of himself. Hayden’s eyes wouldn’t leave mine, and I felt frozen in place, waiting for something to happen.
Finally, when the tension couldn’t possibly get any thicker, Theresa sighed and said, “Dad? You wanted to tell Kenzie something?”
Her tone of voice was encouraging, a mom urging her child to do the right thing. Dad frowned at her, then cleared his throat. “Yes, I…uh…” Inhaling a breath, I watched as he focused and centered himself. When he spoke again, his voice was firmer, and he unflinchingly held my gaze. “I was wrong trying to control you, trying to determine your future, and…I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
My eyes widened in surprise, but I remained silent. What did any of this have to do with Hayden? Why was he here? Like he knew I was wondering about him, Hayden stepped forward. “I’m sorry, too, for the lies…for going behind your back…for being fucking stupid.”
Dad glared at him for swearing, but surprisingly didn’t chide him for it. “Hayden and I, we’ve…come to terms,” Dad said, indicating Hayden beside him. “We know we can’t change what we’ve done, but we want to make it right.”
His words loosened my tongue. “Make it right? What could either of you do that could possibly make up for screwing me over and over…” Love me, no matter what…that’s what you could do, Dad. Shaking aside that heartbreaking thought, I focused on their answer.
Dad and Hayden exchanged looks, and Hayden nodded. Looking back at me, Dad said, “I transferred the track into your name. It’s yours, all of it. Sell it, keep it…do whatever you will with it.”
Shock struck me so hard, my knees almost buckled. Mine? How was that even possible? “You can’t…you owed money on it? A lot of money. You can’t just transfer a loan to someone else like that.”
Dad looked over at Hayden, and Hayden smiled. “You can once the loan is paid off. You own this free and clear, Kenzie.”
Understanding nearly knocked me over. “You…you used your winnings to pay the loan off…so you could give it to me? That was your plan?”
He shrugged. “More or less.”
My amazed eyes shifted to my father. “And you’re okay with this? With a Benneti buying you out?”
Dad gave me an oddly calm one-sided smile. “He’s not a Benneti anymore, and he’s not taking control of the track. You are.”
My eyes snapped to Hayden’s. Not a Benneti? Why hadn’t Nikki told me? Oh right…I’d asked her not to. “You quit? With one race left in the season? Are you crazy?”
Hayden’s eyes studied my face for a second. “Maybe…” he said, his voice wistful. “I quit right after you did. Racing isn’t what I want.”
By the heat in his voice when he said that, I knew that what he wanted was me. He should have realized that earlier, before he started lying and cavorting with his ex. Pain pounded my chest as I stared at him. Had she claimed any of that perfection since we’d ended things? Yes, I was sure she had. I forcefully returned my eyes to Dad’s; it hurt less to look at him.
“This doesn’t instantly fix us, you know.” I meant that for Hayden, too; I just couldn’t look at him while saying it.
Dad nodded. “I know. But it was the right thing to do. The track was meant for you. Maybe that’s the real reason why I couldn’t sell it.”
Pain and confusion bombarded me as I tried to wrap my mind around this new possibility. I could revive Cox Racing. I could be Cox Racing. “I don’t know how to run a team, how to run a business…”
“I could help you,” Dad quietly offered. My face must have hardened, because he instantly raised his hands. “I could offer advice and suggestions, but you would be the boss. All decisions would be yours.”
Theresa put a hand on my shoulder. “Daphne and I will help out too. Whatever you need, Kenzie.”
I still couldn’t believe any of this was happening. “What about equipment, bikes, staff? It’s so much money.” There was so much that went into running a team that I had no clue about, but I knew all of it was expensive. That was what had gone wrong with Dad. He simply hadn’t been able to afford it.
Hayden cleared his throat. “I can help you with that, Kenzie. We can do this.”
We? There was no we. Not anymore. But…if I was actually going to do this, going to reform my dream from the ashes of its death, then I would need his help. I couldn’t agree to it though, so I only stared at him blankly.
Dad broke the silence. Stepping forward, hands out in supplication, he said, “Please, Kenzie. Let us try to fix what we broke. Let us help you.”
Hearing him say my shortened nickname was stunning; he’d never once called me Kenzie. My answer stumbled off my lips before I could stop it. “Okay, let’s do this.”
Daphne squealed and clapped her hands. Theresa was beaming. Dad looked relieved, and Hayden…his expression was unreadable. My head was spinning with plans as I stared at Hayden. I’d have to steal Nikki from Benneti. Hopefully I could get Myles from Stellar Racing. I would ride, of course, and I already owned my bikes, so that would save some money. There was so much to do, so much to plan…but, if this worked, I could race again.
“What are you thinking about?” Hayden asked me, tilting his head to the side.
His question snapped me back to the present, and thoughts of being on the track again fell from my mind. I didn’t want to talk to him—I wasn’t ready—but I didn’t really have a choice if he was going to be the money behind this operation, something I still wasn’t sure how I felt about. I didn’t want anything from him, but I needed him.
“Just absorbing this. I never thought I’d ride for Cox Racing again…”
Hayden smiled at hearing the wonder in my voice. His grin reminded me that I shouldn’t be opening my heart to him. He’d only smash it into a million pieces. “Look, I appreciate all you’ve done—all you and my father have done—but it doesn’t change anything. We’re still not okay.”
The smile fell from his face, and the grief in his eyes was almost too much to take. “I know, Kenzie. That’s not why I did this.” Pursing his lips, he amended his statement. “Well, it’s not the only reason I did this.”
He gave me a sad, wistful smile that twisted my heart so badly, I had to look away. That was when I realized that my father and sisters had disappeared into the garage, giving the two of us space. Seeing my father do anything even remotely supportive of my relationship with Hayden made me reconsider if I was truly awake. I had to still be on my couch, in some state of severe delirium that would probably get me committed when someone finally checked up on me. My life no longer made any sense at all.
“Kenzie,” Hayden whispered, stepping toward me. “I know I screwed up. I know I should have told you what I was doing, but I swear I didn’t do anything with—”
I interrupted his attempt at an apology with a raised hand. “You swear? You promise? You give me your word? That’s where all our problems started, Hayden. I. Can’t. Trust. You.” Biting my lip, I quietly added, “I can’t work with you either. I just…can’t. It would kill me. It does kill me…” Unshed tears clouded my eyes, hazing the beauty of his tortured face, and I prayed they didn’t fall. Not being able to see him clearly made things a tiny bit easier.
I expected an outburst from him, maybe a demand that I give him a racing spot since he was paying for everything. And he deserved a spot on the team, just on the merit of his talent. But I couldn’t come into work every day and see him. That was more than I could bear.
His fuzzy shape took another step toward me, and his voice was quiet when he spoke. “I know, Kenzie, and it’s okay. I never expected you to… I’ll find someone else to hire me. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’m just glad I could do this for you. Making you happy was all I ever wanted. I just… I wish I’d been better at it.”
Just as I was wishing that he’d been better at it too, I felt him lean down and place a soft kiss on my lips. The tears broke free as the feeling of his mouth on mine reduced me to a pile of emotional goo. How would I ever recover from him?
He pulled away after a short eternity, his breath quicker. “Goodbye, Kenzie,” he whispered in my ear. Then he kissed my cheek, and walked away.
***