CHAPTER 17
~Kenzie~
I was so furious I could barely see straight. He did it for me? He lied, went behind my back with, with—her—for me? Bullshit. Hayden did it for himself, so he could play at being a hero. And I didn’t ask for any of it. I had my own plans to fix my life, and none of them revolved around speeding down a city street at 100 miles per hour. The asshole could have been killed. Jesus, he could have been killed…
From the corner of my eye, I saw Felicia scoot out the hospital doors after Hayden. Yeah, go. Go and be with him. We’re done, he’s all yours. God…were we really done? Agony knocked on my shell of fury, but I pushed it away. I couldn’t think about the aftermath of this fight, of what my words really meant for us; I was too pissed off.
Not able to stand still, I started pacing. Back and forth, back and forth, like a riled cat lashing its tail, telling the world it was angry without actually accomplishing anything. It wasn’t satisfying enough. I wanted to act, wanted to do something…anything. The heat of inactivity was festering inside me, rank and putrid.
Izzy timidly approached me while I was maniacally bouncing between two support pillars. “Kenzie?” she asked, keeping pace with me. “How…are you?”
Her simple question sent a burst of rage up my spine, and I stopped to face her. “How am I? He lied to me for months! He was risking his life for months! He was going off with her for months!” I wasn’t sure how long Felicia had actually been a part of that seedy world, but I didn’t care. Once was too much. He should have told me.
Izzy raised her hands like she was fending off blows. “I know, and he’s an asshole for doing it, but he had good intentions. That has to count for something, right?”
No. Right now he could take his good intentions and shove them. Good intentions didn’t forgive bad behavior, no matter how you tried to spin it. And good intentions shouldn’t have ever included his ex. Just how much had he reconnected with her anyway? Oh God…my nightmare was real. They’d rekindled their relationship right under my nose. I was such an idiot.
Shaking my head at her, I resumed pacing. “No, you know what counts, Izzy? Honesty. Honesty counts. Integrity counts. Faithfulness counts. Not being a lying asshole counts!”
“Okay, Kenzie…okay.” Izzy sighed after her statement, and there was deep resignation in the weary sound. Hearing it opened a crack in my heart, and pain started to trickle in. How could he do this to me?
I tried to dam the cracks with hate, tried to rebuild the wall of indignation around me, but the grief was strong, and little by little, it was starting to pull me under. I didn’t want to fall apart in front of Hookup; I could feel the amusement rolling off him in waves. But I didn’t want to leave the hospital either. I’d come here for a reason, to support Izzy and Antonia, and drowning in my own pity wasn’t doing a damn thing for either of them.
Guilt helped shove my feelings about Hayden into the farthest corner of my brain. It would haunt me later, but that was fine. This was infinitely more important. Inhaling a deep breath, I stopped pacing and faced Izzy. “Have you heard anything from the doctor yet?”
She grabbed her stomach as she shook her head. Putting my arm around her shoulder, I started leading her away. “Come on, let’s go find someone who knows something.”
Grunts stayed where he was, but surprisingly, Hookup followed us. He looked bored. Maybe he thought I was a walking time bomb, and any moment I’d explode into a dazzling display of out-of-control emotions. I honestly felt like I might, but for Izzy’s sake, I was doing everything I could to keep it together.
Wandering the halls helped pass the time, and eventually Antonia’s doctor found us. While he was updating us on her status, some sick, twisted part of me wished Hayden was still there, holding me, comforting me. What the doctor had to say wasn’t good. Antonia’s appendix had ruptured, and a bunch of that gooey crud inside it had seeped into her belly. The doctor had done all he could do, but the infection was slowly poisoning her. They were giving her medicine to help fight the onslaught, but ultimately, it was up to Antonia and her shot-to-hell immune system now.
She was out cold when we were finally able to visit her in her room. Even asleep, she looked awful with wan skin and darkly circled eyes. All the brightly covered walls, all the toys and stuffed animals, all the little friendly touches that the hospital used to make the kids feel at home here, somehow, it only emphasized just how sick she really was. She was a tiny, fragile doll—cracked, torn, and worn. It broke my already-broken heart.
Izzy climbed right into bed with her. Antonia stirred, but didn’t open her eyes. I gave them their space, then glanced over at Hookup. He was standing by the door, like he was afraid to come any closer. His eyes were wide, like he couldn’t process what he was seeing. Then he muttered something and kissed a pendant around his neck—a Catholic saint, from what I could tell. The ache in my chest squeezed so hard, I actually had the desire to comfort him—an emotion I never thought I’d feel. Instead of caving into the desire, I walked over to the other side of the bed and sat down. I smiled at Izzy cuddling with her daughter, then grabbed Antonia’s hand and said my own prayer. Please let her be okay…she’s just a child.
The night nurse eventually kicked Hookup and me out of the room; Izzy wasn’t going anywhere, and the nurse knew that. We walked down the hallway together in silence, and I could tell when I glanced at Hookup that he was processing something big. He looked like a man who absolutely knew the world was flat being shown that it was round. I left him to his deep thoughts, since I had enough of my own.
Hookup sat down in the waiting room, clearly staying. I couldn’t. I needed to be doing something. Walking outside, I headed for my bike. The sun was just starting to rise, and everything was turning a golden peach color. It was a beautiful sight, but it felt wrong, out of place. Nothing should be beautiful today.
Slamming on my helmet, I started my bike and headed home. Only I wasn’t going home. Not yet. I had a few stops to make first. Antonia’s random stroke of bad luck, Hayden’s lies, my family, my job…life had pushed me around this year, and I was absolutely sick of it.
I was tired of being manipulated and left in the dark. I hadn’t been acting like myself lately, and I was really starting to dislike the person I was becoming. I wasn’t a doormat. I wasn’t a victim. I was a champion…and it was time I started acting like one.
By the time I got to the practice track, it was early enough that people had started arriving. Since Keith hadn’t found it necessary to give me a key, I headed around back, to Hayden’s secret entrance. I opened it wide enough to fit my bike, walked it through, then sealed the hole shut behind me. After all this time, it still looked like a seamless part of the fence. Perfect. And yet another reminder that things weren’t always what they seemed—like Hayden and me. I’d thought we were amazing together. I’d thought we would defy the odds and make it. I was wrong.
Hopping back on my bike, I rode around the complex to the parking lot. As I suspected, a few cars and trucks were there. I didn’t see Keith’s sports car though. The inner gate to the track was open, so I pointed my bike in that direction. Glancing to my right, I saw the empty Cox garages looming like a dark cloud—or a heavy burden—one I was ready to be free of. Free of the memories, free of the emotional ties, free of the past. Maybe it was the grief talking, but I was ready to release it all. And standing right in front of me was a golden opportunity to let it all go.
The practice track was empty, and the entrance was calling me like a forsaken lover. Since I didn’t give a shit what anyone here thought anymore, I jumped on the chance and poured on the gas. My bike skidded out a little in the anticipation of intense speed, and by the time I passed the entrance and was on the actual track, I was already going fast. But not nearly fast enough. All of my training kicked into high gear as I hunched over the handlebars, and leaned low into the corners. My bike wasn’t a performance bike like my Ducati, but it soared. It felt so good to be back on a track in daylight, that I started laughing, and happy tears clouded my vision. But they were bittersweet, because I knew this wouldn’t last.
Like fate agreed, a man started stumbling onto the track, hobbling on a crutch with one hand while waving his other in the air like he was flagging down a taxi. Keith’s face was bright red, and his mouth was moving like he was shouting something. Probably obscenities. I was in street clothes on a street bike; I clearly didn’t belong on the track.
I had to slow my bike so I didn’t hit him. I gave myself one extra lap—just enjoying it—then I stopped in front of Keith and removed my helmet. Now that I could hear them, his words struck me so hard I almost got whiplash. “What the fuck are you doing on my fucking track, Cox? And on that fucking piece of shit bike? You’re lucky I haven’t called the fucking cops yet. What the fuck were you thinking? And how the fuck did you get in here? Did one of those fuckers give you a key?”
Seeing him so riled up almost made me smile. “How I got in doesn’t matter. All that matters…is that I quit. I’m done with Hayden’s bullshit, and I’m done with yours.” God, it felt good to say that. Although, it hurt too.
Keith’s demeanor turned a complete one-eighty. “You and Hayden are done?” he asked, an eyebrow cocked under his aviator glasses. I didn’t answer him, just gritted my teeth. He took my silence as affirmation.
With a sly grin, he said, “And here I thought today was going to be just another average day.” A cruel laugh escaped his lips. “God, it’s practically my birthday. You’re gone from here, you’re done with him, and Hayden can’t blame me for any of it. It’s a beautiful thing.” His smile turned satisfied.
“Fuck you, Keith.”
The smile quickly fell from his face. “Since you’re no longer an employee, you’re trespassing on private property. Now, get the fuck off my track,” he finished with a snarl.
“Gladly,” I murmured, putting my helmet back on.
I turned my bike toward the exit, and right before I punched it, I heard Keith yell, “And return the uniform to Nikki!” I paused to look over at him, and he added, “If you don’t, I’ll sue your ass for theft!” I was sure he would too. Asshole.
Since this seemed like a good day to confront everyone who’d been pissing me off lately, I headed to my father’s house next. There were quite a few things I wished to say to my dear old dad. The house was dark when I got there. I was fairly certain my father was awake though; I highly doubted he’d given up his strict schedule just because he’d been forced into an early retirement.
Hopping off my bike, I strutted to his front door and started banging on the hard wood. It was an overly aggressive greeting, and I knew that, but I was too fired up to do anything else. Dad appeared a few moments later. His stern gaze and disapproving frown showed no signs of weariness; I knew he’d been awake. “Mackenzie, why are you trying to break down my door?”
“I thought you’d be interested to know that I just quit Benneti Motorsports.” His eyes brightened at hearing me say that. He opened his mouth, but I didn’t let him respond. “I also broke up with Hayden.” A sharp knife slowly drew across my heart with that admission, but I didn’t let the pain show on my face. Dad didn’t get to see that.
His earlier happiness paled in comparison to the joy I saw now. “Mackenzie, that’s—”
I lifted my hand to stop whatever encouraging words he’d been about to give me. “Neither of those two things changes anything between you and me. We’re done too. Have been for a while, truth be told.”
“I…that’s not what I… Mackenzie, be reasonable.” Dad was trying to make his face imposing again, but there was fear in his expression now, like he finally understood that he’d taken things entirely too far and there was no going back.
“I am being reasonable, Dad. You shut me out, because of a boy. You blocked off every avenue, closed every door. I wouldn’t be surprised if you purposefully stoked Theresa and Daphne’s anger toward me, all to make sure I was completely alone. If you could have corrupted Myles and Nikki, I’m sure you would have done that too.” My hands clenched as I thought about that very real possibility. “Why go through such extremes? Because I didn’t do what you wanted me to do? Is your pride that fragile?”
His eyes turned pleading. “I know you don’t understand, but it was for your betterment. I was trying to help you.”
Annoyance built up inside me like burrs under my skin; I was so tired of people doing horrible things for my benefit. “All you ended up doing, Dad, was ruining our relationship. And unlike what happened with you and Mom, no amount of counseling is going to save us. I’m done trying to understand you, and I can’t forgive you for what you did.” A warm numbness started blanketing me as my words sunk into my pores. It was sad that things were over, but it was the truth. A bridge had been burned, one that couldn’t be repaired; there was no point mourning it now.
As I grew calm, Dad grew frantic. Stepping forward, he put his hands on my upper arms. “I’ll get you a job, I’ll make this right. I’m sorry if I took things too far, I was just trying to make you see—”
Brushing his hands off me, I firmly told him, “What I saw, was that Keith might have been right all along. You can be ruthless, relentless, and emotionless when you want something badly enough. That might have served you well as a racer, but they’re not good attributes, Dad. And as far as getting me a job…don’t bother. I’ll refuse anything you send my way.”
Shock turned Dad’s face a pale white, and he looked about to interrupt. When he said my name, I steamrolled right over him. “No, I’m tired of being manipulated. I’m tired of reacting to things, instead of making them happen.” With a sarcastic smile, I shook my head. “Congratulations, you successfully got me blacklisted from the sport—your sport. You single-handedly ended what could have been a family legacy, but I don’t give a shit about that legacy anymore. If I can’t race motorcycles, then fine, I’ll just find a new sport to shine in. And I will be able to shine, because I won’t have your shadow hovering over me anymore. I’ll no longer be known as Jordan Cox’s daughter first and a competitor second. I’ll just be a competitor, same as everyone else, and that’s more than enough for me.” Hope bloomed inside my tormented heart, and, straightening my stance, I lifted my chin and stared him down; for once, I didn’t feel like his inferior or subordinate. I felt…invincible.
Dad’s eyes aged right in front of me as he struggled to maintain my gaze. “What are you going to do?” he asked, his voice subdued.
I couldn’t contain my smile. Was this what true freedom felt like? “I don’t know yet, but I’m excited to get started.” Wanting to leave on that note, I spun on my heel and started walking toward my bike.
Dad’s voice rose over the sound of gravel crunching under my boot. “Mackenzie, wait!” The tone of his voice halted my movement, freezing me in place. Swiveling my neck, I looked over my shoulder at him. Defeat on his face, he shook his head. “What I said about your mother was too much. It was cruel, and I’m…I’m sorry. Nothing you could ever do would have changed her feelings about you. She loved you, with all her heart, and she definitely wouldn’t have approved of how I…” Hanging his head, he sighed, “I just… I wanted to push you in the right direction. I was desperate…but it was a horrible choice—possibly the worst one I’ve ever made.” He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. “I truly am sorry, and I hope you’ll change your mind and forgive me one day. I love you, Mackenzie.”
Goddamn it, I shouldn’t have stopped. I should have run to my bike and gotten out of there as quickly as possible. He didn’t get to treat me like a pariah for months, then sweep it all under the rug with one phrase seeped in sentiment. And as angry as he’d made me…I wasn’t used to hearing such tender words from him; it triggered something inside me. I wanted to run to him, toss my arms around his neck, and tell him I forgave him everything. But I had to be stronger than that. He’d been stone; I needed to be ice. Shifting my weight, I ignored his comment and resumed walking to my bike. My eyes stung with tears begging to drop. I didn’t let them. He would not see me break down.
I put my helmet on as quickly as possible, and just in the nick of time too; a few tears escaped as I started my motorcycle. Not looking at Dad, because I wasn’t sure what I would do if I saw his face, I backed up my bike, then turned up the driveway and left. As I pulled away from him, that jagged line of pain across my heart started to rip open. The tears started coming in torrents. Hayden was gone. My father was gone. My sisters…were as good as gone. My job was gone. Everything I’d once cherished had been set ablaze, and was now just ashes on the wind.
Myles’s place was too far away—I could barely see through the tears as it was, there was no way I’d make it all the way to San Francisco—and I couldn’t bother Izzy, not with everything she was going through right now, so I headed to the only person I could still count on. The only person I was positive still loved me. Nikki.
As I headed to her apartment, I hoped she was sticking to her usual routine of being late for everything. If she’d already left for work, I wasn’t sure what I would do for hours until she got home. Probably cry on her front porch. Or pick her lock and cry on her couch.
The thought of breaking and entering Nikki’s place made me think of Hayden, which restarted the vicious circle of despair. If only I could get the anger or numbness to come back. I’d do just about anything to keep from feeling the escalating grief. I’d lost it all…
Nikki’s smart car was still parked in her appointed stall when I got there, and I said a quick thank you for her being a procrastinator. I rang her doorbell after I stepped up to her door; I didn’t trust that I would be able to knock on her door without banging on it like I had at Dad’s. It took Nikki a few minutes to answer, and I could hear her inside, muttering and cursing to herself. Probably for being late. Even though she was frequently behind schedule, it bothered her.
When the wood in front of me finally opened to reveal her face, she looked frazzled. But oddly, her eyes widened in surprise at seeing me, and she started closing the door. “Hey, Nik?” I said, putting my hand up to stop the door from closing all the way.
Throwing it back open, she gave me a half-hearted smile. “Sorry, Kenzie. I’m just…super late. What’s up?”
Her eyes were darting everywhere but my face, and I instantly felt bad for adding to her stress. I needed her though. “I broke up with Hayden,” I muttered. Her mouth dropped open, and she finally focused on me. “I also quit Benneti and told my dad I never wanted to see him again. It’s been a busy morning…”
“Oh my God, come here.” She instantly pulled me into a rib-crushing hug. “I’m so sorry. What happened?” she asked, pulling back to look at my face.
I was crying again, but I didn’t care; I didn’t think I’d ever stop. “Can we go inside?”
Nikki instantly cursed at herself, and stepped back, letting me in. “Yeah, yeah, of course.” She no longer looked frazzled for time, but she looked…off. Eyes on my shoes, she pointed to the couch. “Have a seat.” I schlepped that way and sat down. She bit her lip while standing nervously in front of me. “Want anything? Coffee? Whiskey?”
I cracked a smile, but shook my head. Nikki was still standing there, fidgeting with her hands. “You okay?” I asked her.
She instantly relaxed and sat on the couch. “Yeah…I’m great. So…what happened?”
She was holding her hands so tightly her knuckles were white. Since my own problems were swirling out of control, I ignored her oddness and spilled my story. “Hayden was street racing for his friend again. With Felicia this time instead of me…” Admitting the betrayal made my stomach fill with acid. I thought I might be sick. Holding my gut, I told her, “He even had the nerve to tell me he was doing it for me, to raise enough money so I could race again…somehow.” I’d never let him fully explain how, but that didn’t really matter. He’d lied. Repeatedly.
Nikki’s faced morphed through a thousand emotions before settling on contemplation. “Do you think that’s what he was really trying to do? Get you racing again? Because…that’s kind of sweet.”
My gaze hardened into daggers. “Lying to me all the fucking time isn’t sweet, Nik. And I never asked him to get me racing again… I asked him to be honest. I asked him to be loyal. I’m pretty sure he failed at both.”
Nikki’s eyes shifted to the floor, and she started bouncing her toes up and down in an incessant pattern that was kind of driving me nuts. “Oh…so you guys are really over?”
Slamming my hand down on her knee, I bit out, “Yes, we’re done. And Dad and I are done, and Keith and I are done. I don’t have anyone…”
She immediately threw an arm around me. “You have me, Kenzie. Always.”
Smiling, I laid my head on her shoulder and removed my hand from her knee. She immediately started bouncing again, but I tried to ignore it. “I thought Hayden and I were this great, epic couple. I’d thought we were going to be the happy version of Romeo and Juliet. We were so good together, but he still…”
Emotion closed my throat, and I had to swallow before I could speak. Nikki filled the silence. “Sometimes people change. Sometimes they do things they never thought they would, because it seemed like a good idea at the time, and they were really lonely, and maybe it had been a while, and maybe there was alcohol and stuff…”
I pulled back from under her arm to stare at her. “What?”
Eyes wide, she immediately shook her head. “Nothing. Just a bad analogy, or metaphor…or whatever.”
Narrowing my eyes, I studied her. Chewing on her lip, her eyes darting everywhere, she was obviously nervous or anxious or something. And I didn’t think it was because she was late for work. “What’s going on with you?” I asked.
She tried smiling like she didn’t have a care in the world. She failed miserably. “Nothing…I’m just worried about you. And Hayden. That totally sucks.”
My annoyance at her avoidance actually helped curb the pain. Crossing my arms over my chest, I stared her down. “Tell me.”
She leapt off the couch and started pacing. “There’s nothing to tell except that I’m late for work, and Keith might kill me if I don’t get there soon.”
Guilt assaulted me, and I stood up with her. “Okay, I’m sorry. Do you mind if I crash here though? I don’t want to go home.” I really couldn’t handle Hayden showing up on my doorstep.
Nikki’s expression softened. “Of course, stay as long as you like.”
She gave me a quick hug, and, after we broke apart, I said to her, “Hey, let’s go up north this weekend and hang out with Myles. And maybe never come back.” I laughed on the end of that to show I was joking, but Nikki looked absolutely horrified by my suggestion.
“No!” She quickly added in a softer voice, “I mean, Myles is training…he’s busy.”
I had never in my life seen Nikki turn down an opportunity to hang out with Myles. Those two were peas in a pod, nearly inseparable. The only thing that ever got Nikki down was the fact that Myles was so far away from her now. Her refusing to see him—passionately refusing to see him—was shocking. “Are you guys fighting?” I asked. That was unheard of too. Sure, they bickered, but it was all in good fun.
Nikki’s expression was rigid as she stared at me; she looked marble she was so frozen. “Nope, we’re good.”
Obviously, they weren’t. God, I was sick and tired of people hiding things from me. “I really can’t deal with any more lies, Nikki. Tell me what happened. The truth.”
She melted like she was made of butter. Sinking onto the couch, she put her elbows on her knees and her face into her hands; she no longer looked like she needed to be anywhere but where she was. “Oh God, Kenzie…” She peered up at me with a desolate expression on her face. “Myles and I…we kind of did the deed.”
Not feeling any more enlightened, I sat down beside her and blankly asked, “What deed?”
Her face stiffened with annoyance. “The deed, Kenzie. We…slept together.”
“You guys sleep together all the…” My sentence trailed off as I was hit over the head with understanding. “Oh my God…you had sex with Myles? But he’s like your…brother.”
Her face morphed into a disgusted expression that I was sure matched mine. Shaking her head, she said, “Ew, no, he’s not my brother, he’s more like…like my best friend. Which is why things are so weird now. We messed up, Kenzie. Big time. And I don’t know what to do.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Myles and Nikki hooked up? It was like I was stuck in some alternate reality. Was this how Nikki had felt when I’d told her about Hayden and me? Probably. “Have you guys talked about this? How does he feel about it?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. We haven’t spoken since Monterey.”
“Monterey…” Again, understanding bashed me in the skull. “Holy shit! That wasn’t the TV I was hearing that night in Myles’s hotel room. That was you two…going at it…” I clutched my stomach, once more feeling sick.
Nikki looked equally horrified. “You heard us? Oh my God,” she said, letting her head drop into her hands. “Now everything is weird.”
Putting my hand on her back, I rubbed soothing circles into her skin. Looking up at me, she murmured, “Want to know the worst part?”
“Sure,” I answered, not sure if I really wanted to know.
Straightening, she told me, “I can’t stop thinking about it. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. Just thinking about his hands on me gets me horny.” Her face shifted into a grimace. “But it’s Myles, Kenzie. Myles! I can’t get all hot and bothered about Myles!”
I had never wanted to be somewhere else more in all my life. While Myles was a best friend to her, he was a brother to me. And she was a sister. And the two of them “doing the deed” was not something I wanted to think about. “Well, I’m sure that will fade…just go have sex with someone else. But not Hayden.”
I knew right after I said that, I shouldn’t have. The thought of Nikki and Hayden together—of Hayden and anyone together—made bile rise in my throat. Nikki instantly understood the look of pain and disgust on my face. “God, Kenzie…I’m so sorry about you and Hayden. Want to watch sappy Lifetime movies all day with me?”
I could feel the tears building again, even as I nodded. “I thought you had to go, though. I thought Keith would kill you if you were too late?”
As a tear dropped down my cheek, Nikki gave me a sheepish smile. “No, I just didn’t want to tell you about Myles. I’ll call in sick…it’ll be fine.”
I lightly slugged her in the shoulder, then hugged her, then thanked her. Because I knew I’d never get through today without her.
***