chapter fourteen
Diana used her phone and checked Rafe’s location. He was almost home. The real question was whether or not she could go through with it. She glanced down at the pill in her hand. What the hell was wrong with her? She’d come this far. This pill, it wasn’t supposed to hurt him… much. It was like sodium pentothal. She ignored the fact that most governments considered its use torture. And this… she’d been told that these pills might have side effects similar to MDMA. Could she use it on him?
It would just get her the truth. Get her what she needed, and then she could go before she sank in even deeper with him.
You’re an idiot for letting him get so close.
Shit. She was an idiot. She didn’t have to be told twice. With every touch of his, or glance, or caress, her armor slipped.
Without even trying, he’d found the chinks. The man he pretended to be had slid in under her skin, making a home there, infesting her brain, making it impossible to think straight.
You sure your brain is what he infested?
He had killed her father. She could never forgive that even if this new version of him seemed like a good man. She couldn’t risk believing it.
He’s a killer. Remember that.
She stared down at the pill. Maybe Charisse was right. Maybe she’d sunk too deep. Maybe she was in way over her head.
Stop it. Because of him, your father is no longer here.
Her phone alerted her that Rafe was essentially outside the door. She glanced at the little white pill again. Could she do it? Could she hurt him?
Her hands shook. She knew the answer before she even asked it. She couldn’t. Because you’re an idiot, and you’re falling for him.
Even though she knew everything he showed her was a lie, her hands still trembled as she held the little pill.
Despite all the things she said to herself, she knew it was true. She was screwed. She’d gone ahead and fallen in love with the mark. She put the pill back in the bottle and placed the cap on it before tossing it back into her purse.
If she couldn’t see this through, her only option was to leave him. And that thought hurt more than anything.
When he walked in the door, she instantly knew something was wrong.
“Hey,” she said warily, then poured him a glass of wine.
He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. That was the smile he gave people so they wouldn’t look too closely. Maybe someone who’d never seen his real one wouldn’t know the difference, but it hit her like a ton of bricks. He was hiding something from her. Her other clue something was horribly wrong was the way he took the glass from her and drained it.
She took the glass and set it on the coffee table. “Is everything okay? How was work?”
Rafe hung his coat in the front closet before sitting on the couch. He let out a little sigh when he sat that told her he was tired. That really confirmed her suspicion. The man had unbelievable stamina. She blushed, thinking of how many ways he’d proven that to her. It would take more than just a stressful day to make Rafe tired. Then he turned his head, and she saw the scratch on the side of his neck. Her eyes narrowed as she scanned him from head to toe.
She took one of his hands and gasped. “You got in a fight?”
Rafe sighed and stopped struggling. “Not exactly.”
Something about the way he said it made her stomach pitch. She thought about all the times he’d asked her who had hurt her over the past weeks and his insistence that he’d make it right for her, and her stomach sank.
“Rafe, what did you do?” she whispered.
He glanced over at her. “You’ll be safe now. No one’s going to hurt you.”
Oh God. Diana closed her eyes and swallowed the bitter tang of guilt. He’d found the poor guy she’d pretended was her ex-boyfriend, and if the state of his knuckles was any indication, he’d probably beaten the guy to a pulp.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” That was the understatement of the century. He was trying to defend her nonexistent honor and had almost taken out some poor guy who had nothing to do with anything. Diana felt like she was drowning under the weight of all the lies between them.
“You’re mine, and I take care of what’s mine. You make me feel things, Diana.” He dipped his mouth to hers, and as soon as their tongues met, electricity coursed through her body.
She reminded herself of the million reasons why they shouldn’t do this. At the core, he was a killer and she was a liar. He could have killed that guy today based on her lies. There was just too much wrong between them, secrets and lies and agendas. But somehow when they were together, it all fell away and none of it seemed like it mattered.
But it did. People were getting hurt because of their mistakes.
Diana placed her fingertips against his mouth, trying to stop things before they spun out of control. She had a tendency to lose track of time and space when she was in his arms. But she needed to make sure some poor guy hadn’t just died because of her.
“Rafe. Tell me what happened.”
By the mulish expression on his face, she thought he wasn’t going to answer, but then she poked him in the side.
“I paid a visit to that asshole who hurt you.”
Shit, shit, shit. What had he told Rafe? She swallowed. “Is he still alive?” Her heart squeezed.
Rafe frowned. “Yes. I wouldn’t—” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “I don’t— That’s not the kind of man I want to be.”
“What kind of man do you want to be then?” Diana kissed his bruised knuckles. Could he be distracted from this conversation?
“A just one. I do what’s necessary to protect the innocent.” He glanced down at his hands. “As it stands, I was barely able to control myself. And that makes me sick.”
“Rafe,” she whispered. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I thought I did. When I went there, I wanted to make sure he understood that the things we do have consequences. I was his consequence. After all, he’d hurt what was mine. That was why I went there. But I realized that I didn’t belong there.”
Hell. He knew. He had to know.
“I’m yours?” Even though he’d said it before, it had felt more like the product of high emotions and rushing testosterone. Men said all kinds of things in the moment that they didn’t actually mean. But this was different.
“How could you not know how I feel about you?” Rafe dragged her forward and kissed her again. On a shocked breath, she opened for him again. He angled his head to deepen the kiss. When he touched his tongue to hers, she stilled and backed away, flattening a hand against his chest.
“You can tell me anything. You know that, right? Diana—”
“Wait. I just need a minute to breathe.” She pushed her hair away from her face and tried to take a breath. She battled conflicting emotions—worry over what Rafe had done on her behalf and guilt at her own deception. She was caught up in a web of lies and didn’t know how to untangle herself. What the hell had she done to his life?
There were so many questions and no answers, and the swirl of confusion was making her head hurt. But for the first time in her life, she felt alive. Like she was doing more than just existing from one day to the next.
Whether it was right or wrong, she couldn’t resist one more chance to feel alive in Rafe’s arms. For the rest of her days, she doubted she’d ever feel like this again.
If she had been unsure about leaving him before, now it was even clearer why she needed to. Despite everything she knew, she loved him. And she couldn’t keep doing this to either of them. She needed to leave before she destroyed them both.
She swiped a tear off her cheek. “I didn’t want this, Rafe.”
“Baby, don’t cry. Please don’t be scared. I would never hurt you.”
Rafe shifted slightly, looking as wrecked as she felt. This back-and-forth was taking a toll on both of them.
“I know.”
She cut him off by tugging him to her and fusing their lips together. He didn’t need further invitation and dragged her onto his lap so she straddled him, her dress shifting up to expose her thighs.
Rafe should have known this was too good to be true. All he wanted was to sink into Diana, make her come a handful of times, and hold her to sleep. That would be better than any aspirin.
But just as she hiked up her skirt, there was a knock at the door. Fuck that, he could ignore it. He slid his lips over Diana’s, wanting to get lost in them.
“Rafe, don’t you think you should get that?”
“Nope. Remember the last time I opened the door? Matthias cock-blocked me. I’m not taking that chance again.”
She laughed even as she started to slide off his lap. Reflexively, Rafe tried to hold on to her. Literally and figuratively. She was here, present with him, but in the past few days, he’d started to feel like she was pulling away. Like she was trying to run. Was she scared of him?
Can you blame her?
Diana kissed him softly on the lips. “You get it, get rid of whoever it is, and then come to bed.”
All his dick heard was bed. But he couldn’t really blame the guy. “Fine, but get naked. I’m not feeling particularly patient.”
She only chuckled as she sashayed down the hall.
He was in no fucking mood, so if it was Matthias again just to fuck with him, he was going to kill the kid. He scowled when he checked the monitor. Shit. What the hell was she doing here?
He yanked the door open and scowled. “Emilie.”
“Rafe, glad I caught you at home,” Emilie said with a sunny smile in her barely discernable French accent. She leaned against the doorjamb with a stack of files in one arm and a case of beer in the other. “I figured we could talk. You know, unofficially. I could use your help. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”
Rafe frowned. “Emilie? What are you doing here?” No one ever came to his place. He wasn’t the kind of guy who invited company over for dinner parties. Hell, most of the guys from Blake Security, outside of Matthias and Noah, had never been here. Though, you should probably change that.
He’d learned that from his time in ORUS. Never bring anyone to a place you considered yours. If he wanted to talk to anyone from work, they did it in the office or they met somewhere. And there hadn’t been any women worth bringing back since he’d performed his little resurrection. He took whoever he met back to their place or to a hotel.
But Diana was the exception.
He’d never thought of that as a lonely existence until now. Rafe did a quick sweep of the hallway and the floor-to-ceiling glass windows that allowed a view to the street.
Everything looked normal, but the fine hairs on the back of his neck stood at attention. Why was she here? And if this was official, why hadn’t Alan called him in to talk?
She held up the six-pack. “I brought beer. Isn’t that what you Americans bring over to someone’s house? Beer? I personally prefer a nice bottle of wine, but I’ll just assume that you have some.” She winked. “Call it wishful thinking. I can’t stand beer. But, nevertheless, I thought I would bring some over and we could go over these files. I have so many questions about the Vandergraffs.”
Rafe didn’t budge from the door. He didn’t know how Emilie had known about his place, but he didn’t like her showing up here unannounced. “Again, what are you doing here?”
She shrugged. “I had a friend dig deep through a pile of shell companies. I figured you’d buy under an alias. Very clever, but then you’ve always been clever.”
He growled.
There was a flicker of awareness in her green eyes. “Would you relax? I just feel like there’s something missing from the whole scenario. That’s how I am. Like a dog with a bone. I just can’t let it go when something doesn’t feel right. So I just wanted to go over everything with you again in case you missed anything.”
He scowled. If there was ever a bad decision to regret, it was Emilie. It was ever having anything to do with her. One night in Germany, after one too many, there’d been drunken almost-sex. But he’d gotten a call about a mission so he’d left… and never called. A year later, still pissed, she’d lied to an asset of his. That asset had died on her watch.
“Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean someone’s not out to get me.”
She leaned against the doorjamb, tilting her head so that her auburn hair cascaded over one shoulder. “Come on, you going to let me in or what?” There was a shuffling behind Rafe, and before he could turn, Emilie poked her head around, peeking into the living room.
Diana said, “Sorry to interrupt, but the hot water is off for some reason, Rafe.”
He frowned, then remembered the notice posted in the elevator about the pipe updates. “The water heater button is under the sink in the vanity. It’s a backup system.”
“Okay, thanks. Sorry again,” she murmured before scooting off.
“Oh gosh, I have interrupted something. It wasn’t something important, was it?”
For a long moment, Rafe considered how to answer that. Yes, she was damn well interrupting. And yes, he also had a distinct feeling that she knew that. What was she playing at? What did she really want from him? “This isn’t the best time, Emilie.”
But Emilie wasn’t having any of that. She pushed past him and stepped into the living room as if she owned the place. At the very least as if she’d been there before, showing the confidence of a woman who was not used to being turned down, not used to people telling her no.
“I like your place, Rafe. Fancy.”
He ground his teeth. “Thank you. Why don’t you come right on in,” he muttered under his breath.
Emilie grinned. “I guess I will.” She set the files on the coffee table. Rafe shut the door behind her and followed her into the living room. He wasn’t ready to make introductions, but it turned out he didn’t need to worry about that. Diana was already down the hall. He prayed she was in his room.
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Look, Emilie, this isn’t a good time. I was in the middle of—”
She beamed a smile at him. “You know what, I did have a little look at your file. I know you’re not married. According to the bureau, you haven’t had a long-term girlfriend in a while. So I guess Little Miss Blondie is new. We’re colleagues. No reason you can’t be hospitable. I know you have a new life now. Or should I say old, new life. Everything old is new again. But you have loose ends that need tying up.”
Rafe crossed his arms. “Emilie, my relationships are none of your business. While I do appreciate your stopping by, I also have other things I need to do. Remember, I’m a civilian now. And quite frankly, none of this is my problem anymore.”
It was the first time he’d seen Emilie’s smile falter.
“I guess I’m intruding. But I really do have some questions about the Vandergraffs. The file said the daughter was supposed to be with her friends that night. But when we followed up, that friend said she wasn’t there. So where did the girl go? What luck she wasn’t in the house when the hit went down.”
Rafe gritted his teeth. “If she had been, I would have reported it.”
She smiled and nodded. But he could tell from her eyes that she didn’t believe him. “Of course you would’ve.” She nodded toward the back rooms. “I guess your girlfriend is waiting on you?” Emilie’s eyes narrowed toward the back hall.
“Yes. She is. So you’d better go.”
“Fair enough. I’ll save our sleuthing for the office then. As the details of this case are classified, it’s not wise to discuss it where someone else might overhear. I’ll call Alan to set something up.”
“That’s probably for the best. Besides”—he shrugged—“I’ve given you all the details I have of that night.”
“Well, it’s always a good idea to double-check. I suppose I’ll let you get back to your guest.”
What was she playing at? Why was she really here? She couldn’t think that he’d possibly be interested after everything that had happened before.
“Perfect. I look forward to a more official meeting.”
She smiled up at him. “You go ahead and enjoy that beer though. Hope you and your guest enjoy the night.”
Rafe showed her the door and deliberately avoided her attempt to brush up against him. “I’ll be seeing you, Emilie.”
“That you will, Rafe DeMarco.”
After Rafe locked up and reset the security alarms, he pinched the bridge of his nose, his headache having become more prominent.
That’s what happens when you live a life of lies. They weigh on you.
In the kitchen, he found just what he needed on the counter. It looked like it had fallen out of Diana’s purse.
Picking up the bottle of aspirin, he took two. He’d carved a new life for himself. He was a new man now. The past was the past. Dredging up that old file would just drag him back to a place he never wanted to go again.
He was not that man. He wasn’t. And he resented Emilie trying to remind him of who he used to be. His future was down the hall and uptown in a glass penthouse. Family. He’d forgotten how important they were.
He was never going to be out in the cold again.