Chapter 27
Daniel
Isla stands at the front of the room with Reuben by her side. “Good morning everyone. And again, welcome to the Tantric Yoga for Lovers Retreat here at Prasanna Light Oneness Studio and Spa.” Her eyes sweep over my attire and she says, “I'm glad to see how enthusiastic some of you are about being here. Good…good.” She hikes a questioning brow at Grace.
My wife looks over at me, trying to restrain a smile. This isn't exactly the type of grin I want to put on her face but any time the corners of her lips are arrowed upward because of me, I'll take it as a win. So I smile right back.
Isla's focus moves across the faces of her students, taking each person in, one at a time. She smiles and her serene energy seems to float over the room. She sways slightly from side to side, almost as if she’s rocking to some cosmic music that nobody else can hear.
She just looks so happy – genuinely happy – with her tie-dye yoga pants and her auburn hair pulled into two pigtails, one flopping on either side of her head. Reuben looks equally happy and I’d pay a pretty penny to get a hit of whatever it is the two of them have been smoking.
Our cult leader's adoring eyes turn to her fiancé. “This is Reuben,” she tells us in an airy voice. “My mate, my partner, my love. I’m so glad that he took time out of his busy schedule to lead this class with me today.”
They share yet another sugary sweet glance and it feels like I’m going to need a few shots of insulin to get through this damn weekend.
The guy beams under his significant other's gaze. I remember when the woman I love used to look at me like that. I took it for granted. Reuben is much smarter than I am. The way he’s looking at Isla in return shows that he’s aware of how lucky he is to have a good woman by his side.
“I love you, babe,” he grins like a love drunk fool and places a kiss on her lips.
“Love you, babe.” If her smile got any wider her face would tear apart.
All the women in the room coo, holding fast to their own partners. All the women except mine.
I sneak a glimpse at Grace sitting beside me on her yoga mat, keeping a careful distance. She’s as rigid as a statute, shoulders tense, forehead creased, hand on her stomach. I know that look. She’s nervous. Hell, I am too. I don’t know what the on earth I’ve signed up for. All I know is that I'm here to prove to Grace that I’m serious about working on our relationship.
Isla speaks again. “The practice of tantric yoga has really concretized Reuben's and my relationship. The goal of this workshop is to strengthen your bond as a couple, too. So, it doesn’t matter if you’re head over heels in the honeymoon phase or if you feel like your relationship is on the brink of falling apart. This retreat can have beneficial effects for your relationship…if you’ll let it.” Her gaze falls on me and lingers. “Basically, I’m asking you to have an open mind.”
I give her a subtle nod. I’m here. I put everything else on hold for this weekend so I might as well give it my all, I guess.
Isla turns to the tall willowy woman leaning against the doorjamb with her hands clasped in front of her and a crown of dandelions on her head of strawberry blonde hair. She wears a breezy smile on her lips. She has definitely perfected the whole 1970s-flowerchild-with-subtle-mental-instabilities vibe.
“This is Serenity,” Isla says of her. “She’s a licensed marriage and family therapist with an undergraduate degree in psychology and a love of all things esoteric. She has many years of experience as an instructor of guided meditation and she is a faithful student of the practice of yoga. And it definitely doesn’t hurt that she’s an expert at reading body language and a bit of a clairvoyant, too. She’ll be meeting with each couple in turn over the course of the weekend to try and work out what it might take to strengthen your bond.”
This Serenity lady does a little bow, clasping her hands in front of her chest and grinning wide. “Namaste.”
Oh Jeez.
Isla turns back to her class. “So, before we jump right into the first session, I’d like to take a moment so that we can all introduce ourselves to each other.” Her eyes go to Nancy and she winks. “We’ll start with the happy new fiancés right here.”
Nancy beams as she reaches for her old man’s hand. “Good morning, everyone. My name is Nancy Chester and this is my man, Edward.” He looks around the room nodding at everyone. “We started dating a few months ago and he liked it so much that he put a ring on it.” She holds up her wrinkly hand, waving it around, proudly broadcasting the glittering little rock on her ring finger. Everyone titters. “Anyway, this will be my third marriage and Edward’s fourth so as much as we love each other now, we’re doing everything in our power to make sure we have the tools to make this last. We may look old but we Chester women live damn long so I want to make sure I’ll be living happy.”
We all chuckle as Edward leans across and gives his lady a kiss on the cheek. She lights up, her cheeks swelling with her grin.
The young brunette sitting next to Nancy and Edward speaks up as she pulls her man’s arm around her waist. “Hello. I’m Sophia and this is my fiancé, Joshi Bear—”
He interrupts her, looking embarrassed. “It’s just Josh. Just Josh.”
The girl giggles into her palm. “Sorry, baby. It’s just Josh," she corrects herself. "We came here all the way from Copper Heights because we’re getting married in Vegas on the 15th and we really just wanted to strengthen that bond, that connection before we take the big leap.”
Joshi Bear takes his perky fiancee’s hand and places a kiss on her knuckles. “That’s right, baby.”
Then, all eyes turn to me and Grace. We’re sitting on yoga mats side by side with a huge emotional wall between us that’s evident to anyone who looks.
With hesitancy in her voice, she begins to speak. “I’m Grace and this is my husband, Daniel. We started dating in school and have been married for three and a half years and we’re…” Her shaky voice trails off as her eyes wander over to mine. There’s so much pain in her face as she tries to figure out how to describe the status of our relationship.
I speak up, hoping to ease the awkwardness. “We’re just trying to keep the flame alive,” I supply with a little chuckle. I reach over and take her hand from her lap. She gives me a grateful smile.
And as the rest of the couples go on introducing themselves, all I can think about is how much I need this to work. I need my wife. I know she needs me, too. The way she knots her fingers in her lap and bites down on the corner of her lip says a lot.
Once the last of the couples has introduced themselves, Isla’s voice catches my attention. “So, to gently ease ourselves into the flow of tantra, we're going to begin with a few minutes of hatha. Deep breathing and gentle movements to align our minds with our inner selves, that part of us that yearns to connect with our partner on the deepest level.”
She instructs us to sit with our legs folded and then begins to guide us through a series of simple yoga moves. I’ve got to say that it’s helping me relax.
By the time the sequence is over, Isla has each couple sitting face-to-face. Grace’s eyes don’t meet mine. They’re focused on her hands twisting around in her lap. My chest fills with sadness. My wife doesn’t even feel like she can look me in the eyes.
Fuck!
Isla speaks again. “Now, we’ll begin the tantric portion of our practice. What we’re striving for is perfect union with our mate. We’re looking for that sacred space where we’ve released all of the blocks that keep us closed off, all of the barriers that keep us separate. We want to get to the space where we each feel safe and united. Where all obstacles have dissolved.”
The instructor moves around the class, helping each couple get into the correct posture and make the necessary adjustments. She instructs us to deepen our breathing and focus within and all that other clichéd yoga stuff.
Grace looks like she’s really struggling in this intimate position with me. It seems too personal, too emotional for her to handle. She seems to be one heartbeat, one breath from crumbling. But when Isla tells us to lean forward, touch our foreheads against one another and stare into each other’s eyes, I seriously feel like my wife won’t be able to do it.
I press my forehead against hers and try to connect with her. There’s absolute devastation in her brown irises. And for the first time since my marriage started falling apart, a troubling thought enters my mind. Does Grace have a secret? Is there something she’s hiding behind those sad chestnut eyes? The thought coils around my ribcage, making it hard to breathe. Right on cue, tears form at the corners and spill down her cheeks. Unable to handle the raw pain there, I press my lids shut, hiding behind them like a veil.
Isla stoops beside us. "I know it may be hard, guys. But that's why we're here. To do the hard work that will open us up to one another, so that we can have an honest conversation and begin to heal." She quietly moseys away to check on the other couples. She addresses the whole room. “Trust yourself and trust your partner. Be vulnerable. Be open. Remember that in laying yourself bare to your mate, you become stronger as a unit, as a couple. Let those walls crumble to dust and just allow yourself to be here, to be available to your partner.”
Opening my eyes, I find Grace’s big brown orbs concentrated on the ground. I push her tears away. With a bent finger, I lift her chin so that she's looking in my eyes. "We can fix this." I whisper but her eyes tell me she's not sure she believes me.
All these months I let her push me away, I was such a fool. We've been at an impasse. But I was sure that we'd work it out, that eventually she'd forgive me for whatever the hell it is she's so mad about and we'd get on with our happily ever after. So, I decided to wait it out.
I got complacent. That complacency eroded her trust in me completely. Maybe this time I spent waiting, I should have been fighting for her instead.
I’m fighting now. I hope it's not too late.