Chapter 28
Grace
“Hello, you two love birds!”
The zany-looking hippie with the wilting dandelions in her hair claps excitedly as Daniel and I step into the small office. She sits cross-legged in a comfy armchair with a colorful quilt wrapped around her narrow shoulders. The sunlight pouring in from the window behind her encases her in a sea of light and causes her to glow.
She looks like a screenshot of Woodstock 1969.
My husband and I garble a sceptical response as we stumble into the pair of bright yellow tufted chairs across from Serenity.
I’m really not sure about this woman.
Isla spewed her credentials at the beginning of this morning's workshop but I have a hard time believing that she is capable of anything more than sprinkling us with invisible fairy dust and sending us on our way. Is she really supposed to help us figure out how to fix our relationship?
The vinegary kale salad that was served to us for lunch rumbles in my nervous belly. I steal a peek at Daniel. He looks doubtful, too. But at least he’s sitting here. He’s willing. He’s open. Coming here was my idea so I can’t be the one to back out.
“Grace and Daniel,” Serenity chirps spritely, “tell me a little about your relationship. How did you meet? How did you fall in love? When did you know that you were divinely assigned to each other?”
I wait for Daniel to speak and when he doesn’t, I pull in a breath and run my tongue over my lips. “We met in law school. He was the popular guy. The know-it-all who got into long philosophical debates, challenging the professor in the middle of lecture hall, never backing down from an argument.” I chuckle a little at the memory. “But everyone loved him, though. Everybody wanted to be around him.”
The therapist smiles in a tranquil way. “And what were you like, Grace?”
I chew the corner of my lip. “I was…”
“…Beautiful,” Daniel supplies. My eyes go to his. He looks at me and says, “She was beautiful. And reserved. Smart. She was the quiet threat no one saw coming.” He grins. “That’s one of the things I liked most about her when we started dating. In a world where everyone was whipping out their dicks to have a pissing contest, there she was, quietly racking up straight As and completely humble about it.”
That’s one way to describe what I was like in law school. I’d say that I was a loner, that I had a hard time fitting into that dog-eat-dog universe. I didn’t belong there…Until Daniel noticed me and I quickly realized that I belonged with him.
“How did you two start dating?” Serenity asks. She clenches the blanket around her with one hand and reaches for her teacup with the other.
Daniel and I share a look and burst out laughing.
He tilts his body in the chair and slings an arm over the back to get comfortable. “So, it’s Friday night,” he recounts. “Everybody’s super hyped about going to this bonfire that was raging just outside of campus. And, I’m strolling down the hall with my friends–”
“With your friends?” I quip mockingly. “You mean your devoted following of worshippers?”
Rolling his eyes, he squeezes my thigh. He doesn’t seem to notice the way my breathing hitches at his touch. He returns to his story. “Anyway, I see this pretty little blonde head, balled up in the corner just outside of her dorm room, completely lost in her Bankruptcy Law book. So, I stop next to her and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing? It’s bonfire night!’.” He turns to me. “And what did you say?”
“I said, ‘My roommate’s in our dorm room having sex with her girlfriend and I’m terrified that if I go back in there, I’ll get an invitation to join in!’.”
We burst out laughing again. The counselor chuckles too but it’s one of those you-had-to-be-there-to-get-it things. Sort of like an inside joke. A sacred moment between me and the guy I made some of my fondest memories with.
His face grows solemn. “That night, I asked her the question that ultimately determines whether you’re a good person or a bad person...” He pauses dramatically as Charity hangs on to his every word, waiting to hear the pivotal question. “…Biggie or Tupac?”
I toss my head back and chortle.
He smirks at me. “What was your answer?”
“Missy Elliott!”
He faces Serenity, shaking his head haughtily. “An unconscionable response, really. A grotesque display of incivility.”
“So, why did you continue to hang out with her?” Serenity interjects in a playful tone.
“It was her ass,” Daniel says sincerely. “That ass made me overlook her ignorance.”
“I stand by my answer to this day,” I tell him, enjoying his jovial mood. "Missy Elliott is the greatest rapper of all time!"
He shuns me teasingly. “Pitiful!”
I find myself giggling like a little girl. I love it when he gets silly and playful like this. It makes me forget about the scars.
Even with his odd clothing choice, he's overwhelmingly attractive. The deep armholes of his sleeveless shirt emphasize his sinewy, tan arms and the low neck broadcasts his strong pectorals. I'm not sure what look he's going for exactly but he'd make a very hot interpretive dancer.
My heart flutters when Daniel reaches over and holds my hand as he finishes the story. He tells Serenity how hard it had been to convince me to go grab fajitas with him instead of sitting in the hallway by myself that night and how we ended up debating the merits of gubernatorial pardon power into the wee hours of the morning and how it took him two weeks to build up the courage to kiss me for the first time because he was scared I’d bite his head off. But once we got our hands on each other for the first time, we just couldn't let go. I squeeze my fingers around his, feeling closer to him than I have in a long time as we relive those moments.
It almost feels like we’re fixed…
But things start to become prickly when the therapist asks about my decision to drop out of law school and be a housewife.
I shrug weakly. “I never really wanted to go to law school. I went mainly because I had a lot to prove to certain people who weren’t there for me when I needed them. I wanted to show them that I was smart and I could be successful even though they didn't see my value.”
Serenity leans in, interested in what I’m saying. “Who exactly were those people?”
I push down the knot forming in my throat. “It was my father, mainly. He abandoned our family when I was a child so he could run off with my kindergarten teacher.”
Serenity’s Zen expression shifts faintly, her eyes widening ever-so-slightly with shock. “I’m so sorry…”
I wave off her concern. “That was a long time ago. I’m over it now. But at the time that I chose to go to law school, that’s what was fueling my decision. On a subconscious level, at least.” She nods in understanding. “But then, I met Daniel and I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. And I didn’t feel the need to prove my worth anymore. Daniel gave me the confidence to look myself in the mirror and admit that law school wasn’t for me. I wanted to be at home and be a wife and have a house full of babies.”
My fingers slip from his hold and I wipe at the tears forming in my eyes.
Serenity’s voice goes soft as she finally asks the question that has us sitting here on this couch in the first place. “How did things begin to unravel?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Daniel’s jaw set. When he doesn’t say a word, I brave an attempt at answering the question.
“I – I guess that things started to become strained when I gave birth to our son…”
Daniel shakes his head. “Strained is an understatement," he grumbles bitterly.
I glare at the side of his face. “You were gone all the time. You started working insane hours. I was alone in that house while you worked seven days a week. And even though your job gave you paid paternity leave, you still wouldn't stop working.”
He seethes. “Okay, that’s not fair and you know it!
Ignoring his protests, I go on addressing Serenity. “Good thing his mother took pity on me and she started coming by to check on me every now and then.” My chest begins to tighten with anger. “And I have an amazing group of friends who were there for me. I needed them. They kept me sane. Because I was going through hell and my husband was unavailable to me.” The words sound so venomous as they fall from my lips. They make me sound as weak and pathetic as I feel.
“Stop making yourself out to be the victim!” Daniel says to me. Then he turns to Serenity. “She encouraged me to put in those hours. I was on the cusp of making junior partner at the law firm and she told me to go for it, to do whatever was necessary. So she doesn’t get to hold it against me now!”
“I’ll admit it – I supported you but I thought that it was a temporary thing. I didn’t realize that work would consume your life and suffocate our relationship.”
“Okay, it’s true. I work too hard. And yes, I should have been more attentive, I should have helped more around the house after Sebastian was born. But the problem is bigger than that. I can just feel it. I don’t know what happened with you, Grace. It’s like a switch flipped inside of you. My wife, my best friend disappeared. You disappeared on me. Something changed when Sebastian was born and I don’t know what it is."
"I tried to let you in. You wouldn’t listen to me. You shut me down every time."
"Because you refused to focus on what mattered. All your attention was focused on what was wrong in our lives, not on all the things that were right." His eyes go to Serenity. “It was always something with her. I felt like I had to work so damn hard just to get her to believe that I loved her. That I wanted to be with her. That I chose her over everything and everybody else –”
“But you didn’t. Work always came first.”
"That’s not true! You're always in your head. Always overanalyzing everything. In your little world, it's all doom and gloom."
"I hate that you do that. You totally invalidate my feelings. Every time I tell you how I feel, you just dismiss it. You tell me to be rational and sensible when I just need you to hold me."
He groans and throws his head back. "What are you talking about?"
"You're doing it right now!" I insist. "I'm telling you how I feel and you're brushing it off. Just like that night at Flynn and Murray's—”
He flings up his arms in exasperation. "God, it always comes back to that night at Flynn and Murray's!”
"Yes, it does,” I deadpan, “because that was the night I knew for sure that my feelings don't mean shit to you!”
“Jesus, Grace!”
The therapist leans forward, placing her teacup on her knee. "Tell me about that night.”
Daniel sighs. "My friend Keeland who I hadn't seen since high school came back to town. Obviously, I was really excited about that. So, I called up a few old friends and we planned a little get together at the Irish pub. I invited Grace to come and she said ‘no’.”
I’m stewing as he tells the story so innocently, like it was no big deal. “Our son was nine weeks old. I didn’t want to leave him.”
“Are you sure that was your only reason?” He grits out.
“I was tired. I wanted to stay home that night but you just kept pressuring me, ignoring my feelings, imposing your state of mind on me.”
“I just wanted to go out with you,” Daniel says innocently. “To have some damn fun. With the pregnancy and Sebastian's birth, we hadn't been anywhere in months. All you ever did was stay in bed and mope. I wanted to see you smiling. And I wanted to hang out with my friends.”
"I wasn’t holding you back. I told you that you could go on your own,” I spit out bitterly.
He scoffs. "As if you would have forgiven me for that!”
"Y'know what – you're right. I probably wouldn't have forgiven you for that. Because you never spent time with me and Sebastian. All you wanted to do was work–"
“We need to stop pretending that this is all about my career. Do you think I wanted to work so hard all the time? I didn’t but our house was a warzone, so I stayed at the office. I had nowhere else to go after you shut me out. I was hiding in my work. Winning a court case was the only thing that made me feel good after you pulled away from me. It was an escape.”
I grunt with an eyeroll. "That's a load of crock. You wouldn't be able to function if you didn't have your prestigious job as a crutch!"
Almost as soon as I say it, I regret it. That was harsh. It hurt him. I can see it on his face. But just as I'm about to swallow my pride and apologize, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts punching at the screen, effectively proving me right – he can't step away from his job. Not for one second.
"Really? Your phone? Now? Are you gonna start answering work emails, too? Are you gonna draft a brief? Prepare a subpoena?"
He ignores me. "Siri – email my boss."
"What are you doing?"
He focuses his attention on the phone. "Dear Mr. Richards – This is to inform you that pressing personal obligations now require me to leave my position as junior partner at Richards, Ross and Associates." I gasp in horror, but he just presses on. "—Please consider this my formal resignation notice –"
"What the hell are you doing?!" I shriek as I try to slap his phone away from his face. "This is a joke, right?"
He holds the phone out of my reach. "—I appreciate the many wonderful opportunities I've had while with the firm, and please rest assured that I will provide my full cooperation during this transition. Sincerely, Daniel Trotten."
Still stunned and horrified, I make one final attempt to stop him before he sends the message but it’s too late.
Serenity whistles under her breath. When I glimpse at her, I swear that I see cartoon hearts dancing in her eyes. She looks like she might be considering nabbing Daniel for herself.
He looks at me and smirks as he casually shoves the phone into his pocket. Like what he just did is inconsequential. "Now what, Grace? In need of any more grand gestures to prove how committed I am? Shall I slice off my left nut and serve it to you on a silver platter?"
Shit!
My chest grows hot as I realize that there's no longer anywhere for me to hide. I have to lay myself bare – like he did – or admit that I'm too chicken shit to face the truth and fix my marriage.
My throat tightens around his name. "Daniel..."
"No more excuses from you, Grace,” he says angrily. “You have me out here like a pussy, wearing yoga pants and doing downward dog and making a fool of myself for you. I'm trying. I’m jumping through hoops. If that's what it takes to put the pieces back together, I'll do it. But you, you're just determined to stay mad at me."
He's backed me into a corner, forcing me to ask myself what's really going on in my marriage. With nowhere to turn, I make one last ditch effort to protect myself from the truth. "I’m not the problem," I mutter feebly although now, I’m not so sure that’s true. My gaze drops to the carpet as my eyes grow heavy with tears.
My husband growls deep in his chest. "Y'know what...you’re delusional, Grace! You’re lying to yourself, completely convinced that you’re nothing but the victim here. When you’re ready to be real. When you’re ready to tell the truth about what’s going on, let me know.”
He stands hastily and gives the chair a careless push, toppling it to the ground. He doesn’t look back as he stomps out the door.