"Thank God you didn't hit the fuck you button on me…again," I said quietly into the phone while sitting on my bed. Kova was still in the other room and I didn’t want him to hear. I needed some time alone. He had hurt me; but it appeared I had hurt him more, and that caused a massive amount of guilt to weigh down on my shoulders.

I didn’t want to hurt him.

"Where have you been?"

"Around," Avery said casually. "Sometimes you get busy and I can't get ahold of you," she added in a snippy tone.

I frowned. "That's not true. I don't have any missed calls or texts from you."

"Whatever. Things have been hectic. What's going on?"

I didn't like the perturbed sound in her voice, but I also didn't push. "I just miss talking to you, I miss hanging out with you. I wish you were here."

"You're getting mushy. Wait. Why do you sound so fucking sad?" she scoffed. We didn't do mush. "We haven't talked in a cool minute and when we finally do, you sound like you're ready to drive off a bridge. Please don't tell me you're listening to cutter music now."

Something between a huff and a laugh escaped me. "Cutter music?"

"Yeah, cutter music. You know, music so depressing you want to slit your wrists? Cutter music. Like Lana Del Rey for instance. She sounds fucking miserable in every song, I can't take it. As if she hates her life and wants to end it for no good reason, not that there should ever be a reason, but still. Stunning beauty with the classic Hollywood look, but then she opens her mouth and she just sounds so damn sad and I cringe. I don't know, I just can't stand it. Same with Sia. Don't get me started on her. Another beauty, but her voice and lyrics drip with misery. She’s worse than Lana."

I laughed. She had a point. "No, not my style."

"Thank God," she exaggerated. "Are you getting excited for your meet? Wish I could be there with you."

I smiled into the phone. "Yeah, but I'm nervous more than anything." And I was. No matter how much I prepared myself, no matter how much Kova whipped me into gear, stress-filled thoughts consumed me every minute of the day. "I upped my training, so now I practice every day for the next three weeks. I want to be ready when I test for elite."

"With Mr. Kissable, I presume."

I was silent for a minute.

"Oh hell. What aren't you telling me?" Avery asked.

"Nothing."

"Don't nothing me," she quipped. "You're lying. Spill!"

I looked over my shoulder at the door, as if I could see through it to what Kova was doing.

"He's here," I said quietly.

"Who's there? Why are we whispering?" Avery lowered her voice to match mine.

I chuckled. "Why are you whispering?"

She paused, then with a laugh resumed her normal tone. "I have no idea. Who is at your place?"

"I'll give you three tries, but I have a feeling you're only going to need one."

It didn't take long for my best friend to catch on. "Oh fuck me. What is wrong with you? It's like you have Lucifer on both of your shoulders cheering you on. The louder he gets, the dumber you get."

I laughed. "It just happened."

"Ria, it doesn't just happen." She scolded me as if I were a small child. "We've gone over this, you can't just fall onto a dick."

"That's not what happened at all. Not this time at least."

"So, you mean to tell me there was no touching or orgasms?"

"I didn't say that…"

"Of course you didn't." I pictured her rolling her eyes. "An orgasm is just expected when you're alone with the perv. I need to break you of this habit. It won’t end well for anyone." Avery stopped and then shouted, "Oh my God! He really is Lucifer! That's what I'm going to call him from now on. It's very fitting, wouldn't you agree?"

"Ave—"

"Lucifer needs to change the title of his gym. How about…World Cup Academy of Orgasms. Or, World Cup Academy of Gymnastics—where everyone walks away with a happy ending, you just have to hand over your virginity first."

A loud laugh erupted from me. Avery had wit and once she started, I didn't want her to stop. In a strange way, I was addicted to her personality. She had a fearless and cavalier attitude I wished I had.

"Seriously," Avery said, her tone switching to serious. "What's going on? Why is he there? Tell me everything and don't leave even a smirk out."

One side of my mouth lifted. I debated what to tell my best friend. I was used to lying when it came to anything me and Kova related, but I didn't feel like I needed to lie to Avery anymore.

"I had conditioning today, and it broke me. It was just me and Kova, nonstop, all day. No breaks, no lunch, just some water. Then full-on physical and verbal contact. Ave, I could barely stand when it ended. Never in my life have I been so depleted of energy. I was so out of it that when Kova asked me a question, I told him exactly what I was thinking instead of giving him what he wanted to hear. Long story short, we spat a bit and he left me with no choice but to allow him to drive me home."

"How long were you there?"

"About eight hours."

"Eight hours! You guys had sex for eight hours?" she yelled. "Who does that! And with someone fresh off the newly broken hymen express!"

I pulled the phone away from my ear at the sound of her high-pitched voice and looked at it. The newly broken hymen express? What in the ever-loving hell was she talking about? Just as I was about to ask her, it dawned on me what she meant.

"Oh my God. We were working on gymnastics skills all day. You're a moron, you know that. A full-fledged moron."

"Jesus fuck. Thank you. There is a God sometimes.” Relief flooded her voice.

"I can't believe you thought we were having sex for eight hours," I whispered, cupping my hand around the receiver. I pulled my knees to my chest. "You're demented," I added for extra guilt, then told her the rest of the story. I even went as far as to confess my darkest, most enigmatic thoughts. I told her how I liked persuading him to do things he didn't want to, that it created a swirling, climbing power inside me to see him bend at the knee. How I nearly made it my goal to push him to the brink of madness, only to watch him surrender and give us both what we wanted, how we wanted it. How I made him talk to me about things on his mind.

Avery was extra quiet by the time I finished.

"Ave?"

"Yeah." She cleared her throat. "I'm here. Honestly, I never know with you anymore. I don't know what to say because I'm concerned it could be the opposite of what you need. When it comes to that man, you're reckless and wild and risky. It worries me." Quietly, she added, "You're a stranger when it comes to him. The things you tell me, I never expect to come from you. I wouldn't even recognize you if I passed you on the street."

I mused over her words, not liking how they hit home. But she was right. I sensed a change in myself and how irresponsible I'd become with him around. It was another reason why I hadn’t wanted him to come over, why I hadn’t wanted to be alone with him any longer. I knew myself and how I would react. He was a temptation I couldn't resist. I was a desire he craved. We were the worst and best kind of combination.

I sighed inwardly and looked up at the ceiling.

"I think I know. The only reason anyone ever changes is because there's more going on. Deeper feelings. Ones not obviously addressed or acknowledged. I think that's what's going on with me and I didn't realize it until you said it. It worries me because when that happens, people become reckless when they're trying to hide something. Eventually, they slip up and every liar gets caught. I have feelings for him, Avery, both good and bad. I don’t know how to shut them off either. I thought I did, but I really don't. There are moments when I need to breathe in the air he expels, but then I want to turn around and suffocate the life out of him at the same time. I don't know what to do," I said softly. "Maybe I'm just not strong enough to combat them."

I shook my head. I was hollow inside. My eyes watered from staring so hard and not blinking. I hated to think for a moment I'd been defeated without a worthy fight, but it's exactly how I felt. Hopeless.

"It really isn't your fault, though. It makes me angry to think that you think it is. The coach knows better. He is a grown adult," she said, enunciating each word. "He didn't have to do anything today, not even bring you home, but he forced himself. He's taking advantage of your naive innocence."

I shook my head vehemently, surprised she would talk with such animosity. It completely caught me off guard.

"He isn't taking anything; I'm giving it to him, Avery. That's the problem. I'm physically and emotionally attracted to this man. I want to be around him all the time. I like learning from him. He teaches me and listens to me. And as much as I try to hate him, I just can't. I mean I do, but I don't. God. I don't know what I'm saying other than there's no taking anything. I swear to you," I whispered, my voice almost taking on a falsetto range. "If anything, it's me trying to take."

"It's too hard for you to see it through my perspective. He didn't have to come over. He didn’t have to stick his hand in your vagina and teach you how to fuck his fingers like a porn star. He's literally teaching you how to fuck and getting you off to encourage more. I feel like there's a motive to everything he does. It's a choice he makes, and you dangling yourself in front of him to play with doesn't help the cause. It's just weird, especially given his age."

I reeled back at her disgusted tone, momentarily speechless. A headache formed at the center of my forehead.

"Pot calling the kettle black?" I became defensive. "What about your older mystery boyfriend? The one I've never met, or even know his name. I have never given you crap about him like you are to me. I gave you my shoulder and supported your decisions. Shelve that attitude for another time. It's not warranted."

"Mine is just under five years older," she retorted, raising her voice. "Not sixteen years like yours. It's completely different."

"It's not."

"Oh, but it is. It was all fun and games at first. I figured since Hayden found out it'd knocked some sense into you. Or when the bastard took you out of a competition, or when he fucks you bare then throws some Tic Tacs your way. How the hell do you know he doesn't have an STD? You don't. Nothing has gotten through your thick skull and it's only a matter of time until you're really screwed. You're lucky Hayden won't speak a word of it…yet. Mark my words, the next time you're caught will be worse. That's how it always happens, Aid. All the lies will catch up to you one day. The thorns will grow longer, and the vines will get so twisted you won't be able to walk out unscathed."

"What if you get caught," I countered.

"No one would care," she scoffed.

"Oh, really? Then why is it such a secret? Who is he?" Avery was silent. I smiled and repeated my earlier words. "See, pot calling the kettle black."

She sighed deeply. "I don't want to argue with someone who believes white lies, and I never want to fight with my best friend. It hurts too much to, but I can't talk to you right now." Her voice sounded as tight as my chest felt. "I have too much going on to add this to my growing pile of shit. Too many people upset with me for the things I've said out of emotion, and I don’t want you to be one of them now. I'm trying to fix things before I jump off a fucking cliff. Just trust me that your secret affair is a million times worse than mine. I'm only trying to look out for you, but I can't deal with this level of stupidity anymore."

Avery hung up, shocking me to the core.

I stared down at my phone, dazed and confused, staggered into silence. I wasn't mad. I didn't have it in me to be upset. Not when I could tell deep down Avery was dealing with something on a grander scale. Something I had no real clue about. She was hurting inside, and that in turn hurt me because she didn't confide in me the way I had her.

A tear slid down my cheek. I relied on her too much. It was selfish of me, and I didn't realize she needed me the way I did her. I was too consumed with my life to recognize anyone else's.

A light tap sounded on my door. I quickly wiped away my tears as Kova stepped inside. Our eyes locked and his face crumbled when he took in the site of me. He wasn't angry with my antics anymore—his face showed nothing but sympathy for me.

Everything came roaring back. How conniving I'd been toward him, how self-centered I was toward Avery, how I forced Hayden to carry a burden of lies for me. Tears fell like a waterfall and Kova rushed over and gathered me into his arms.

"Come, malysh. Come here," he said, pulling me close to him. "I take it that was your mother?"

I shook my head. "Avery," I said through the tears.

"I imagine that is worse for you."

More tears fell and I nodded. My heart hurt so bad. Kova climbed into my bed and got under the covers with me. He aligned his body with mine and I cried silently into his chest. He kept me warm and comforted.

"I'm sorry for ruining your life," I said, my voice muffled. It felt like I left a tarnished imprint in everyone's life lately.

He kissed my forehead and snuggled me to him. "You have not ruined my life. If anything, you have made it better."

My jaw trembled. "Kova?"

"Yes," he said, rubbing the back of my head. Fatigue hit me hard, I could barely keep my eyes open much longer.

"You should probably go home. It's getting late." And I'm sure Katja is wondering where you are, I wanted to add.

"I am right where I want to be. Now go to sleep."