Chapter 12

Saturday

My feet slid in the dew on the grass as I changed direction at the last moment. I landed with a thud on my butt. Ow. I quickly pushed myself up and ran behind the huge rock beside me. I stopped to catch my breath. Every time he was it, he tagged me almost immediately. Maybe hiding was a better tactic.

I tiptoed around the edge of the rock. As I peered around the side, he suddenly appeared. I squealed as he grabbed me around the waist. He lifted me up over his shoulder and spun me around. Our laughter was all I could hear. The sound almost brought tears to my eyes.

He slowly lowered me down, keeping my body pressed firmly against his. My buzz was wearing off, but when I was with him, it still felt like my head was spinning. When he set me down on my feet, he kept his arms wrapped around me. I hadn't even realized I was cold. But I knew if I stepped away from him I'd shiver.

Suddenly I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to tell him the truth about what happened to me. I wanted him to see my scars and love me in spite of them. I wanted him back. But I was scared. Unlike him, I wasn't ready to be seen. I wasn't sure I wanted anyone to see me ever again. Instead of saying anything, I started humming Dancing in the Moonlight. I grabbed his hand and lifted it up in the air, twirling beneath it.

Miles laughed.

"We get it almost every night," I sung. I shook my hips and winked at him.

He grabbed my waist and pulled me against him again. His hands seemed to linger right above my ass. I could feel the heat. It wasn't like I didn't feel our chemistry. Ever since I was little I felt as though we were written in the stars. He swayed with me. We were dancing to a tune that neither of us were singing. It couldn't have been more perfect.

I blinked up at him, staring at his brown eyes. This was now on the list of the best nights of my life. I didn't have many on my list after the deaths of my parents. Really there was just one, when he came to visit me at my grandmother's. Everything else was bathed in darkness.

"I should probably get you back. It's getting late." But it didn't sound like he wanted to take me back to my room at all. It sounded like he wanted me to join him in his.

"You know, you're actually a really good RA. Maybe I won't report you after all." I laughed awkwardly.

"I don't want to be a good RA."

I swallowed hard. "I don't want you to be either." And I meant it. I held my breath for one second.

I don't want to live if I can't live with you. For two seconds.

Maybe I could hide my true self. Maybe I could live my life as Sadie Davis, always hiding. For three seconds.

But the facade wasn't real. Mr. Crawford wasn't real. None of this was real. My stomach seemed to churn. For four seconds.

Miles tilted his head down toward mine.

For five seconds. And I tilted mine down to his chest as all the alcohol I consumed seemed to come back up. I completely emptied the contents of my stomach all over his shirt. And his pants. And ruined my second chance with him in five freaking seconds.

But he didn't curse. Or say I was disgusting. Or even back away from me. He gently helped me kneel to the ground. He held my hair. He rubbed my back. He told me everything was going to be okay.

And I started crying. Because in that one moment, I realized exactly why I had to give him up. His soul was still intact. His future could still be bright. And the realization slowly began to dawn on me. My whole life, it felt like Don was this villain and I was trapped in a nightmare. But if I continued down this path, I'd be the villain. I'd fill Miles' life with darkness. And it killed me. How could something so right be so wrong?

But I let him hold my hair.

I let him whisper soothing words to me.

And I let myself believe that this could be my life. For one night. What could one night hurt?

***

I swallowed hard. It hurt so fucking much. More than I even thought possible. I was completely out of my mind. I couldn't explain it. But the longer he held me, the more it hurt. Because I wasn't falling in love with him again. I was falling more in love with him.

He had walked me back to our dorm. It didn't take much persuading for me to follow him into his room. And snuggle up to him. Now I felt like I was going to be sick again. I couldn't do this to him. My life was a mess.

"I love you, Miles Young," I whispered before slipping out from under his arm.

He groaned as I climbed out of bed.

I laced my shoes and quietly exited his room without looking back. Fortunately for me, my walk of shame was a short one down the hall. Besides, no college student in their right mind was up this early on a Sunday morning.

My dorm room was unsurprisingly empty. I thought about how Patrick had told Kins that he loved her. She had been so happy. Their lives were so normal. The only time I seemed capable of professing my love was to someone sleeping. I collapsed on my bed.

I thought about dancing with Miles in Central Park. I thought about him chasing me through the grass. And the feeling of his hands on my hips. It felt like a dream. A beautiful, impossible dream. The small amount of light filtering through the blinds already seemed too bright. I put my arm over my eyes.

God, I shouldn't have pulled Miles into Central Park. I should have just let him walk me home like he had originally wanted to. Why did I insist on constantly putting myself through this pain? It was as if I loved torturing myself. Drunk me had no self control. I sighed and climbed off my bed. If I was ever going to be able to move forward, I needed to finish what I had started.

I switched on my laptop and started pacing the small floor space. As soon as the browser loaded, I typed Sadie Davis into Google. There were millions of results. I clicked on the first few to no avail. I slammed the laptop shut. This wasn't going to work. I needed more answers. I needed to talk to Eli.

I grabbed my phone off the nightstand by my bed. I had a few unread texts. The first one was from Eli, apologizing about having to run off last night. "Duty calls?" I mumbled under my breath. He said he was here for me, yet he never seemed to be able to put me first. He knew I was scared to leave the dorm. And he left me alone. Inebriated. I could have been killed.

There was another message from last night, from about the same time I had probably stumbled out of the frat house. It was from V. I rolled my eyes. Eli could have just texted me as himself. Maybe he was having an identity crisis. Kind of like me. I shook away the thought. My eyes scanned the message. He wanted to know where I was. What the hell? He knew exactly where I was, because he left me there. He should have just come back for me.

The last unread message was from Liza. "Did you find anything out from Eli yet? I've got nothing."

I tossed my phone onto my bed. Yesterday had been a complete disaster. Pretending my problems didn't exist wasn't going to fix anything. There was no point in acting like a normal college student. I wasn't normal. I grabbed my shower caddy and stormed out of my room. Everything would be better if I just pretended like last night had never happened. I needed to focus on what really mattered. Vengeance. I swallowed hard. I meant justice. I pulled back the shower curtain, ignoring the screech of the metal rungs. It didn't matter what I called it. Soon enough I'd be a murderer. I'd have blood on my hands. I'd be guilty. My life would be over.