Chapter 33

Wednesday

I stared down at the words I had written. I could barely see them through the small amount of light streaming underneath the door. There was no right way to describe what had happened. No right way to make it better. I had already hurt him and I had no idea how to fix it.

I crumpled up the piece of paper and tossed it into the trash before pulling my knees up to my chest. Eli was going to be fine. V was going to be fine. They had both only known me for a short period of time. But Miles? That was different. I couldn't put words to it.

Or maybe that wasn't the problem. Maybe I had too many words. I picked my notebook back up and started writing again.

 

Miles,

I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you. It didn't even feel like a choice. I honestly couldn't help falling in love with you. And a part of me has always believed it was because we were written in the stars.

That night in your tree house when you took my hand, I thought it was the best night of my life. But life is such a fleeting thing. You can have your whole life in front of you one second, and then it can be taken away in a flash. But I always had you. I needed you after my parents died and you were my one constant.

Until suddenly you weren't. For years, I felt so alone. You hurt me. So I know I hurt you too. And for that, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry you couldn't find me. But it wasn't my choice. I never wanted to disappear. I never stopped wanting to be found. I never stopped needing you, Miles. That was the whole problem. I needed you more than ever and it felt like you didn't need me.

My love for you mixed with hate. I still loved you, but I fucking hated you too. I hated you for abandoning me. I hated you for forgetting about what we were. But I understand now. I'm sorry about the years apart. I'm sorry if you ever felt cut as deep as I did. And I'm sorry if your life stopped like mine.

I lived with a monster. And I became one too. I was torn between wanting you to find me and wanting you to never see what I had become. The truth is, I'm not the girl you remember. The years changed me more than you could ever know. And I don't want you to know what happened. I don't want you to dig. I don't want you to get hurt more than I've already hurt you. Summer Brooks is dead. It's important that you understand that.

But you've always seen me. You saw through my disguise right away at the diner. I had never heard anything as sweet as my name on your lips. And I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I got mixed up in something bigger than you and me.

I just need you to know that I don't forgive you. Because you never did anything wrong, so you don't need my forgiveness. And you deserve everything I could never give you. Live your life for me. Just because I don't get any more heartbeats doesn't mean your heart has to stop beating too. Live the life I couldn't.

And if a part of you still remembers me when you look at the stars, let it be the smallest part. Let it be the smallest constellation in the sky on a late night in September. And let it slowly fade away as the seasons change.

 

I looked down at the letter. I didn't know how to sign it. I wasn't Summer Brooks. And I wasn't Sadie Davis. I lifted my pen back up and wrote Sagitta at the bottom. It made sense. My heart wasn't racing. I wasn't jittery. I didn't feel like fighting. But there was one resounding feeling. It felt like my whole body was on fire. And all the stars in the sky were blazing. I'd become a distant memory. Maybe I'd live forever in Miles' mind as a ball of flames in the sky. There was something comforting about the fact that I'd never really extinguish.

A knock on the door made me jump. I quickly tore the sheet out of my notebook, stuffed the paper in an envelope, and slid it into my backpack.

"Can I come in?" V said from the other side.

He didn't sound angry anymore. But I didn't want to see him. I felt like I had already said my goodbyes. I kept my mouth shut, hoping he'd think I was asleep.

He sighed and his feet shuffled. The light diminished in the room as he sat down on the other side of the door. "You can't give up, Sadie." He whispered it, like he really believed I was sleeping. "I need more time."

I bit the inside of my lip. More time for what? He wasn't the one who was going to die tomorrow or the next day. He wasn't the one running out of time.

"You're stronger than you realize," he whispered. "You're made of steel, remember?"

I heard something slide across the wooden floor. Even without the small amount of light filtering into the room, I would have known what it was as soon as I reached out and touched it. My pendant. My fingers tightened around it. Why did he have my pendant? I quickly stood up and opened the door.

V fell backwards into the room. He groaned but then a smile spread onto his face. "I knew you were awake."

"V, why did you have this?" I held out the pendant by the chain.

He sat back up and just stared at me.

"V."

"It was on your neck that night when I found that man assaulting you. Your shirt was torn. It was clearly visible."

"So you stole it from me?"

"I took it so that no one would recognize you. So that no one else would put the pieces together."

I swallowed hard. "You mean Miles?" I remembered being at the hospital. I was worried he'd be able to see the pendant through my hospital gown. For some reason, I found myself sinking down onto the floor beside V.

"Anyone, Sadie. Wearing that was putting you in unnecessary risk."

"How do you know that? How do you know what this means to me?"

"I didn't. It looked old. I assumed it was from your past..."

"Stop lying to me. Eli was watching me before I got here. Were you watching me too?" I didn't even wait for a response. "How long have you been watching me?!"

"I didn't..."

I pushed his shoulder. "How long have you been watching me, V?"

"It wasn't like that. I've read your files. I found you here."

"Why were you looking for me? What am I to you?"

"Everything!" His voice echoed around in the small room. "Everything," he said a little gentler.

It wasn't the first time he had said something like that to me. "This is everything to me," I said, holding up my hand. "Why did you keep it from me?"

A strained laugh fell from his lips. "That means everything to you? Really? You could have fooled me."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It's a trinket. It has no value. It's nothing. I'm a living, breathing person, Sadie. You put more value on that piece of shit than you do on me."

"That isn't true."

"You just said it was everything. Everything. It's a fucking object, Sadie."

"It's not the object itself. It's the meaning behind it." I could feel the tears starting to well in my eyes. What did he want me to say?

"And what is that? What is the meaning that is so important to you?"

My lip was trembling. "I don't understand what you want from me."

"I want you to tell me the truth!" His voice cracked. "We weren't supposed to run out of time." He was breaking in front of me. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. We need more time."

I was watching him fall apart and there was only one thing I could do. He was always there to catch me when I fell. I needed to be there for him too. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him.

His body was stiff, but he slowly relaxed into me as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

The strangest feeling washed over me. It somehow felt like we had come so far even though we hadn't known each other that long. I let him pull me onto his lap and hold me even tighter.

"Just tell me you won't let go," he whispered into my ear. "Tell me you're not giving up."

I was done lying. I would never tell someone I was okay when I wasn't again. White lies were sometimes the most painful to tell. So instead of answering his question, I pulled his head away from my shoulder and held both sides of his face in my hands. "When I'm wearing it, it feels like I'm not alone. That's why it's important."

"Who gave it to you?"

"Miles." The m in his name used to tickle my lips when I was young. I felt it now. Like a small trace of my past creeping up to me. I pressed my lips together.

He nodded, making my hands fall from his face. "So when you wear it you feel close to Miles?"

"When I was little that was all it was. A way to be close to my friend. But as the years wore on and I lost touch with him, it became something more than that. It makes me feel close to my parents. And my grandmother. It reminds me of my past. It reminds me of what it was like to be happy."

He sighed and his warm breath hit my face. "We need more time." He pressed his forehead against mine. "We're so close."

"I think that's the problem with time. You don't realize how fast it goes by until you're about to run out of it."