Chapter 31

Wednesday

Eli pulled my seat out for me and I sat down. There were already two glasses of water in front of the seats across from us. Apparently Kins and Patrick had arrived before us, but they were missing now.

A waitress walked over to us. "Welcome to the Tavern on the Green. I'm Lexi and I'll be your waitress this evening. Can I get you both something to drink?"

 "Water is fine," Eli and I both said at the same time.

The waitress smiled. "I'll be right back."

"You could have ordered something a little stronger," I said when the waitress walked away.

"But that's a little suspicious for an 18 year old, don't you think?"

I laughed. "Only if Kins and Patrick ever show."

"We were a little late. Maybe they're just looking around the restaurant. This place is amazing, don't you think?"

I looked up at the strings of lights streamed above our heads and turned to view the big tree I had seen when we walked into the outdoor portion of the restaurant. The tree was strung up with lights and the setting sun made the whole scene breathtaking. The lights reminded me of the stars.

I turned back to Eli. "It's really beautiful. Remember the first date we went on, you know, when you took me to Central Park to see the stars?"

He smiled. "I remember."

"I thought it was because I mentioned it was strange that you couldn't see the stars that first night I met you. Was that it? Or was there more to it?" He had been watching me for nearly two years. I had no idea what he already knew about me.

His smile faltered slightly. "Honestly, I always knew what I wanted us to do on our first date. "

"You thought you wanted to go on a date with me before you even knew me?"

"I did know you. I mean, I do know you."

A part of me. "So why'd you want to take me stargazing on our first date?"

"You used to climb out on the roof at night and watch the stars. Sometimes you'd even go on the roof when it was cloudy and bring a book and a flashlight. It was like you just liked being close to the sky."

I liked being close to Miles. "I used to cry on the roof. Didn't you ever see my tears?"

"Some people cry in the face of beauty, whereas I just can't seem to look away."

His gaze made my cheeks flush.

He leaned forward and traced his thumb down my cheek. "You have no idea how often I dreamed of brushing your tears away."

I closed my eyes, relishing the feeling of his touch.

"Hey, lovebirds," Kins said.

I opened my eyes as Eli's hand fell from my cheek.

Kins was smoothing her skirt and Patrick was running his fingers through his hair. Their whole appearance seemed slightly off.

Patrick awkwardly cleared his throat. "Nice to see you again, Sadie," he said as he pulled out Kins' seat for her.

"You too," I said and looked back and forth between them.

Eli lightly nudged me in the ribs. I glanced at him and his eyebrows were raised. His eyes danced with humor.

Oh my God. I turned my attention back to Kins and Patrick. Did they just have sex in the restaurant bathroom? "Where have you two been?" I asked.

"Where have we been?" Kins asked and laughed. "You two were the ones that were late." She picked up her menu.

"Yeah, but... ow!" I grabbed my shin under the table where Kins had just kicked me. It wasn't a light tap either.

"Are you okay?" Patrick said.

"Fine." My voice sounded weird and high-pitched. Fine except for my poor innocent shin.

"Anyway," Eli said, "we're sorry we were late." He put his arm around my shoulders. "What are you guys ordering?"

"Probably the bratwurst," Kins said.

"I heard the kielbasa is good," Patrick said.

"Maybe we should just go get hotdogs." Eli laughed and set his menu down.

"Or we could order the calamari?" Why was I so bad at fitting in with their light banter?

"Oh, so close," Kins said. "But not quite phallic enough." She giggled as Patrick kissed her cheek. "Seriously, though, I did hear their food was good here. Oh. My. God." She set her menu down and stared over my shoulder.

No. I immediately held my breath, assuming the worst. He's here. For one second.

The small hairs on the back of my neck seemed to rise.

For two seconds.

He can't be here.

For three seconds.

Eli's arm tightened around my shoulders.

For four seconds.

It felt like my lungs were going to explode as panic rose to my throat.

For five seconds.

We both turned around, but there was nothing there. I let go of the breath I had been holding and Eli gently rubbed my back. I knew he had been thinking the same thing.

"What are you talking about, babe?" Patrick said and picked his menu back up.

Kins put her hand on his menu, pushing it back down onto the table. "It's James Hunter," she squealed and pointed to a table behind us.

I looked over my shoulder at a couple seated a few tables away from us. Sure enough, the handsome billionaire was seated with his wife. They were laughing about something. The woman placed her hands on her large pregnant stomach and shook her head animatedly. I wasn't sure why, but I imagined they were discussing names for their unborn child. Something seemed to constrict in my chest. I immediately turned away. No wonder everyone wanted to do their psychology projects about him. His life seemed so perfect.

"God, he's even sexier in person," Kins said. She placed her chin in her hand and blatantly stared at him. "I mean, look at him."

"He's okay," Patrick said. "You should probably stop staring at them, though, it's rude."

"Are you kidding?" Kins slapped his arm. "He's like sex on a stick. I can't not stare at him."

Patrick frowned. "How would you feel if I said his wife was hot?"

Kins scrunched up her nose. "She's pregnant."

"That doesn't mean she isn't hot. And I've seen pictures of her before she got pregnant. She's gorgeous."

Kins slapped his arm harder this time. "Yeah, I wouldn't like it. Stop checking her out."

Patrick smiled to himself as he picked his menu back up. Maybe he thought their conversation was a victory for him. I wondered what he'd think if he knew the way Kins talked about Eli all the time.

Eli tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I glanced over at him. It was like he could sense my discomfort. The small gesture made me smile. It made me feel less broken. He made me feel light even though I knew darkness was creeping into my soul.

"Let's play truth or dare," Kins said.

I shook my head. "You just want someone to dare you to go talk to James Hunter."

Eli and Patrick both laughed.

"I do not," Kins said and picked her menu back up. But she winked at me over the top of it.

I glanced back over my shoulder at the happy couple. And in that moment, I knew for sure that I'd never have that. I could already feel myself disappearing.

 

***

 

"Do you ladies want to head back to our place?" Patrick asked as he grabbed Kins' hand.

"Actually, we were going to take a walk. Right, Sadie?" Eli glanced down at me, waiting for me to say yes.

I was having a great time with him. I didn't want tonight to end. He made me feel so normal. "Yeah, if that's alright." I smiled up at him.

"We'll catch you later then," Kins said. "We're just going to go this way." She pointed toward the exit farthest away. The one that would allow her to walk past James Hunter's table. "I'm going to try to get a whiff of his cologne," she whispered as she gave me a swift hug. She did some weird handshake with Eli before Patrick escorted her away from us.

"Do you two have a secret handshake?" I asked.

Eli laughed. "She makes me do it. No reason to be jealous."

"I'm not jealous." But I knew my face probably gave me away. I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"Are you cold?" he asked as he shrugged off his blazer.

"No, I'm okay. I..." my words died away as he draped his jacket over my shoulders. The truth was, I had been cold. And it was nice that he had noticed. I just wasn't used to asking for anything. I was pretty sure he'd give me the world if he could.

My eyes gravitated toward him as we walked away from the restaurant. He was starting to get a five o'clock shadow. I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed how much older he looked before he told me the truth. He wasn't like the other boys on campus. He was a man. A detective. Someone looking out for me. And I knew he couldn't give me the world. But he could give me something that I needed.

"Will you teach me how to shoot a gun?" I asked.

He stopped walking, and I almost tripped because he was holding my hand.

"Why?" he said when I turned to face him.

I stared into his eyes. "You know why."

"There's still time to figure out another way," he said slowly.

"It's the only way. Please, Eli."

He immediately dropped my gaze. He didn't say anything to me as he hailed down a taxi. Or during the drive. Or even when we walked into the shooting range. He finally broke his silence and turned to me. "Don't say a word. Let me handle this."

I wasn't sure what he had to handle. It wasn't like the place was sold out of guns. I looked around at the storefront as I followed Eli up to a counter in the back. The man behind the counter greeted Eli like they were old friends.

Eli leaned against the counter. "Two today, John."

"So I see." John gave Eli a wink.

I turned away to study the store. I couldn't believe how many guns there were on display. Anyone could just walk in here and buy one.

"I'll just need some ID," John said.

Crap. Not just anyone, then. I couldn't give him my fake ID. I wasn't Sadie Davis. And I didn't know enough about the real Sadie Davis to know if she'd be allowed at a shooting range. I didn't even have my old ID claiming I was Summer Brooks. Not that it mattered. If he ran that, it would say that I was deceased.

"She's a new recruit," Eli said. "All her paperwork is being processed right now. Including her ID. Just set us up with one lane. I'm giving her some lessons."

"You know the rules, Eli. No ID, no entrance." John scratched the side of his chin. It looked like some kind of nervous tick. He scratched the other side too.

Eli laughed. "Her record is clean. Or she never would have been admitted to the police academy."

John turned to me and eyed me up and down before turning back to Eli. "I'm really not supposed to."

"You're acting like I'm doing a sting operation or something." He waved his hand. "It's fine. She's with me."

John shook his head as he pulled out a piece of paper. "At least give me her name. This is a liability nightmare."

"Sadie Davis," Eli said.

"Great." He wrote it down and slid it to Eli. "Sign your name. That way I'll at least have proof that a cop tricked me instead of a regular civilian. And so that you won't turn me in."

"What's got a stick up your butt today? Your wife still giving you trouble?" Eli grabbed the pen.

John laughed. "Don't you know it. The last thing I need right now is to be arrested by my buddy who moonlights as a cop. You owe me one for putting my neck out, man."

I looked away as Eli signed his name next to mine. I didn't want him to get in trouble for trying to help me. Eli had seen me during my worst years. And he wanted to make it so that I wasn't in pain anymore. He just didn't realize that killing Don was the only thing that would numb my pain.

 

***

 

I stared down at the gun in my hand. It was heavier than I imagined it would be. I was holding the thing that would give me justice. It was hard to pay attention to Eli's instructions when I realized just how heavy justice felt in my hands. Or was it revenge that weighed so heavily on my shoulders? I tried to keep the thought below the surface as Eli repositioned the large earmuffs on my ears. He nodded toward the target.

I turned around and lifted the gun. My arms shook slightly, but I wasn't sure if it was because of the weight on my sore muscles or something more. Everything was muted and time seemed to slow down. Even the safety glasses I was wearing altered reality. None of this felt real. I stared at the target, an outline of a man. And I pictured Don. I pictured the smile on his face that he got whenever he took away mine. I wasn't sure how long I stood staring at the target before I felt Eli's body behind me.

He steadied my hands with his and lifted the gun slightly. His fingers expertly removed the safety while I stared at the target. With his help, I pressed the trigger for the first time. With his help, I didn't fall backwards from the recoil of the gun. With his help, I shot the target right in the chest. With his help, I felt stronger than ever. I turned around. Eli's hands still lingered on my arms. It somehow grounded me.

He took the gun from me and set it on the tray nearby. "Let me do it," Eli said. "Let me pull the trigger."

I was supposed to be saying goodbye to Eli tonight. He had witnessed the worst part of me. And that part of me was growing. Soon it might be all that I had left. So, no, I wasn't going to let him go. If I did, that part of me might fade. And I needed it. I needed the darkness in order to end my pain.

"It has to be me," I whispered against his lips. Every second he seemed to move a fraction of an inch closer to me. "I don't want his blood on your hands."

He placed his hand on the back of my neck, drawing me even closer. "I'd rather it be on mine than yours." He stopped moving, as if he was waiting for me to make a choice.

I had made my choice the first time Don had touched me. But there was a new choice I could make. I could let Eli in. I could let him love that part of me that he knew. And I could revel in it. I could cherish it. I stood on my tiptoes and let my lips brush against his.

He immediately deepened the kiss. I had been right earlier. I did love him. I loved that he could love me despite how broken I was.

Maybe love was just an excuse to get hurt. Maybe I was just trying to die from all the pain in my life. When his lips were on mine, though, it felt an awful lot like living. But I had a terrible lingering thought as his hand slid down my back. What if I liked being hurt? What if that feeling was all I'd ever truly know? I tried to focus on the kiss, hoping that the warmth of his body against mine could take away the chill creeping down my spine.