Chapter 19

Monday

Kins waved to me from the front row as I entered the lecture hall for our sociology class. As I made my way toward my seat, I couldn't help but realize that everything I had been dreaming of had suddenly vanished. College was supposed to be my escape. It was supposed to be my fresh start. But Don had ruined that too. I couldn't get away from my past no matter how hard I tried.

V wanted me to distance myself from Kins. That would be like giving up the last normal thing I had left in my life. Kins was the first true friend I had made in years. No, she didn't know the real me. It felt like she at least knew glimpses of me, though. That was more than I could say about so many others. I didn't want to have to push her away.

At the same time, I knew I was putting her in danger. The feeling of normalcy wasn't worth hurting anyone. I sat down in the seat next to her. Maybe pretending everything was normal was a mistake. The real Sadie Davis was out there. She might be watching me right now. Just sitting next to Kins might be putting her in peril.

"Hey, are you okay?" she said and lightly touched my arm.

I winced slightly. "Yeah, I'm good."

"I noticed that Eli didn't come back to his dorm last night." She raised both her eyebrows.

"That's because we spent the night together." Technically it wasn't a lie. But Eli had been tied up, and not in some kinky, sexual way.

She lightly slapped my arm. "God, I'm so glad you two worked it out. You make such a cute couple."

I pulled my notebook out of my backpack. "You think?" I thought about him sitting outside Don's house while I was in pain. So close but so far away. I knew in my heart that he would have stepped in if he had known. He wasn't a monster. So why couldn't I forgive him? Would I ever be able to let that go?

"Mhm. You know, you never told me if you still think Eli is the vigilante. What ever happened with our investigation? We should start that back up. I never got to look in Patrick's dresser and I need a good excuse to go snooping."

I looked down at the blank pages in my notebook. "Eli definitely isn't the vigilante."

"How do you know?" She leaned on the armrest between us and lowered her voice. "Did you see him again?"

"No. Actually, I haven't seen him again since our kiss. It was just that one time." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh. Well, that's for the best, right? Now you can give Eli your undivided attention."

I bit the inside of my lip. "Mhm."

"So...no more snooping, huh?"

I laughed. "The investigation is officially closed."

"But what if it's someone else we know? We could still try to crack the case together."

I couldn't even figure out who he was when he was standing right in front of me. "I don't think it's anyone we know."

"Well, you never know. I watched a documentary once about how you can never truly know someone. Everyone has secrets. It was about like...criminal neighbors or something. Crap, or was that the show The Americans? You know...the one where the FBI agent's neighbors are working for the KGB?"

I laughed awkwardly. "I don't think that's true." It was absolutely true. I was the perfect example. And I was pretty sure she didn't suspect that I wasn't who I said I was.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, shh, the professor is here."

I shook my head and lifted up my pen. At least if I never got to see Kins again, I'd know I'd impacted her life in some way. When we had first met, she dreaded sitting in the front row. And now she seemed eager to learn. Darkness seemed to follow me everywhere, but it didn't mean I couldn't still make a positive impact.

 

***

 

I was one of the first people to my psychology class. Focusing in sociology had been almost impossible. I couldn't stop wondering if vengeance was the right path. Don deserved to die. That wasn't the question. The issue was whether or not it was worth giving up the rest of my life in order to get revenge.

With my mind so preoccupied, there was no reason to sit in the front row. I wound my way through the desks and sat down in the back. I couldn't stop thinking about the concept of borrowed time. My parents had died too young. What if I was about to follow in their footsteps? What if I didn't want to? There had to be another way. Right?

"Hey," Eli said.

I turned my head toward him just as he was going in for a kiss on my cheek, I assume. And his lips brushed against mine. I immediately titled my head away from his. "What are you doing?"

He sat down and leaned close to me, his lips right against my ear. "We need to pretend everything is normal. This would appear normal for us, right?" He slipped his hand into mine.

I pulled my hand away from his. "It's probably more normal for us to be fighting, don't you think?"

"Sadie." He put his hand on my knee. "You believe me, don't you? I swear I didn't know he was hurting you."

I thought about what Kins had just talked about, how you could never truly know if someone was telling the truth. Was it possible that he'd push my issues aside for the greater good of putting Don away? "I don't know what to believe."

"I had no idea," Eli said. "If I had known, obviously I would have done something."

"How am I supposed to believe anything you say? You've been lying to me since we first met."

"You've been lying to me too."

"That's different. You knew who I really was." People were starting to filter into the room. "We can't have this conversation here."

"Then let's go. We really need to talk about this."

"You waited two years to talk to me. You can wait another hour."

"Sadie, please..."

I pushed his hand off of my leg. Just thinking about him not stepping in made my blood boil. And not just because he could have helped me. But because I needed him to. I had been too fucking weak to be able to help myself.

"How are everyone's projects coming?" Professor Bryant asked.

I hadn't even noticed him come into the classroom. I tried hard to keep my attention on the front of the room instead of on Eli's stupid face. I didn't care how sorry he looked, I still hated him.

"Yes, Mr. Hayes?" the professor said.

My eyes snapped to Eli. He was just lowering his hand.

"Is it too late to change our topic?" Eli asked.

"Eli, what are you doing?" I whispered.

He ignored me, his eyes glued on our professor.

Professor Bryant laughed. "Let me guess. You want to change your topic to James Hunter?"

Eli laughed too and shook his head. "No. But we're having a hard time getting the necessary information about the New York City vigilante. We thought someone would have discovered his true identity by now."

"Eli, stop it," I hissed.

"Any parts of the assignment that can't be answered are fine as long as there is an explanation. But all the topics are locked in. I don't want to spend another half hour sorting out repeats. And I'm really looking forward to your interpretation of his motives."

"That's the problem though," Eli continued. "What if his motives aren't sound? I'm pretty sure we're trying to figure out the interworkings of a complete lunatic."

I swallowed hard.

A few people in the class snickered.

Professor Bryant smiled. "Again, as long as you explain your reasoning, it isn't an issue. But if you're still really having trouble in a few weeks, talk to me after class and we can figure something out." He turned his gaze away from Eli. "Yes, Miss Tucker?"

I blocked out Miss Tucker's question. "What is wrong with you?"

"Recently it seems like all our time is monopolized by the vigilante," Eli said. "I don't want to waste a second of any free time we have together thinking about him. It's already bad enough that he's a part of this."

A part of trying to help me? You had two years and you did nothing! I shook my head and tried to focus on Professor Bryant's words. But again, I couldn't stop my thoughts from wandering. Not only was my mind consumed by the concept of borrowed time, it was preoccupied with the fact that I wanted to punch Eli in the face again.

As soon as class was dismissed, I grabbed Eli's arm and pulled him out of the room. And once I realized he probably wasn't protesting because he liked that I was touching him, I immediately dropped my hand. God, where could we talk about this without anyone hearing? I grabbed the handle to an unmarked door and opened it. A janitorial closet. This would work. I pulled on Eli's arm again and shoved him into the small closet.

The door closed behind us and we were bathed in darkness.

"What is wrong with you?" I shoved his chest. "You're drawing unnecessary attention to us. Are you trying to ruin everything?"

"I can't stand the thought of you with him."

"You're jealous? That's what this is?"

"Yes. Okay?" said Eli. "I am jealous. I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for a long time."

"You can't love someone you don't know!" I shoved his chest again, but he caught my hand, holding it against him.

"I do know you. And I'm sorry that I missed the most important thing. It kills me that I didn't know he was hurting you. Summer..." his voice cracked.

I stopped trying to pull my hand away. "Well, I don't know you."

"Then give me time to show you who I am." He put his hand on the side of my face.

Maybe if my life was normal, I'd be willing to give him that time. But I was living on borrowed time as it was. "You were right about me."

"What are you talking about?"

"When we had that fight outside my dorm. You said that some people couldn't be saved."

"Summer, I was upset. I didn't mean..."

"No, you were right. I can't be." I took a deep breath. "I'm going to kill him." It was strange hearing those words out loud.

"You may think that's what you want now, but in the moment..."

"He took everything from me. You couldn't possibly understand."

"I will if you let him destroy your life," said Eli. "If you let him take you away from me."

"And that's the difference between you and me. I don't believe in justice the same way you do. You're on the wrong side."

"I'm on your side, Summer."

"The cops were never on my side." I swallowed hard. "He beat me until I couldn't move."

"Summer..."

"He's broken almost every bone in my body."

Eli held me as my body started to shake. Emotion washed over me like a wave. I stepped closer to him and let him wrap his arms around me. He ran his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me.

"He raped me, Eli."

His hands froze on my back.

"He put his hands around my throat until I couldn't breathe..."

"Okay. We'll do it your way."

I lifted my head. "You could lose your job."

He wiped my tears away with his thumbs. "I know you don't think I care about you, but I do. And if him rotting in a jail cell isn't justice to you...then we'll do it your way."

"You should be arresting me. I just told you I was planning to commit murder."

"And I told you that I was on your side."

I shook my head. "I'm impossibly bad at forgiving people."

"I have time to wait."

I closed my eyes and pressed the side of my face against his chest. He might have all the time in the world. But I was running out of it. I held my breath for five seconds. And I let the feeling seep in that at any moment, those seconds could be my last.