It’s one step forward and three steps back with Hunter. One night he holds me in his arms, and the next morning he kicks me out of his room. I spend entire days in the waiting room, hoping for tiny shreds of information, which I mostly get from Carey, because Hunter has told the doctor not to tell me anything.

And then something happens, and he opens the door for me again, letting me in. Every time, I can see he’s fighting against it, whatever his reasons. I really want to tell him about Hazel, but I’m afraid he’s not in the right frame of mind for it. I think he needs to learn how to deal with his emotional turmoil first. He’s still in shock. After all, just a short while ago, he woke up to discover he only had one leg left.

What he hates most is having to rely on others to help him. He doesn’t like letting me help, but he prefers me over nurse Berta. She’s on my side, so she keeps threatening to wash his private parts until he doesn’t have a choice but to let me in again.

But all this time in Germany is coming to an end. The day before I’m scheduled to fly home, I pace around the waiting room, nursing my coffee. Every time I call Carey, Hazel cries for me, and I can’t leave her alone any longer. I was hoping Hunter could come home with me, but he isn’t well enough to leave yet. And Carey told me he’s not coming back to San Diego—he’s going to Virginia, which really did not feature in my plans.

Today’s the last night I can be with him, but once again he’s being so stubborn it’s driving me up the walls. I get that he’s scared. I get that he thinks I might hurt him. If only he would listen, everything would be all right. Wouldn’t it? Yes. I’m sure of it. If only he knew that I never chose Carter—I chose him. If only he knew about Hazel…

Oh, wouldn’t it be sweet to see him holding his little girl in his arms?

Slowly, I sneak over to the nurses’ station and see nobody’s there. The hallway is clear, too, so I scurry across it into Hunter’s room.

“Get out, Mac!” he snarls immediately.

I close the door. “No! I’m going home tomorrow, and I’m not leaving without saying goodbye!”

He screws up his face. “I don’t want to see you anymore.”

“Hunter—”

“No, Mac…”

“Please, I… Please!”

He snorts. “Have you ever thought about the fact that I might not want you to say goodbye to me?”

I hurry to his bed and kiss his cheek. “I don’t want to leave.”

“You need to leave.”

“Stop this nonsense! You’re driving me crazy!”

“No, you’re driving me crazy!” he growls. But it’s not the sexy kind of growl—it’s the scary kind. The kind that makes you want to run for it. “You chose Carter! I held out my hand for you. But you stayed! You broke my fucking heart. There’s nothing left in me to love you.”

“But—”

“No, Mac! Stop it already. I don’t want your apologies or whatever else you want to say to me. We’ve had our chance, and now it’s gone.”

“If only you would—”

“Go, Mac. Go. And never come back. I don’t need you, and nobody needs me.”

“Hunter—”

“Mac! Get out!” he screams. “I don’t want to see you anymore!”

“Please, let me—”

“Thanks for the blowjob, doll,” he says, his face hardening. I have never heard him sound so cold.

I shrink back like he’s slapped me in the face. “But…” I can’t keep talking. My eyes fill with tears.

“Come on, doll. Give me another one and then get lost.”

I can’t breathe. No air reaches my lungs. They’ve contracted, shutting out oxygen. I reach for my throat, tears streaming from my eyes as I reel back. I hit the door. Suddenly, I’m out in the hall. The door swings shut in front of me, and the last thing I see is Hunter’s gaze, so cold it makes me shiver. Right there in the middle of the hall, I break down on the floor, crying so hard I shake.

Nurse Berta finds me and tries to calm me down, but there’s nothing that could comfort me right now. I’m inconsolable.

“Shhh, calm down, girl. You need to be strong for him, do you hear me? He is not himself at the moment. A lot of soldiers with amputated limbs go through this. They go from hearing every day how they need to be physically fit, and suddenly they lose an arm or a leg, and they end up feeling worthless.”

I shake my head, sobbing. That’s not what’s happening here.

“Sweetheart, trust me,” she insists. “That boy loves you. We can all see it. He loves you. But he thinks he’s no longer good enough for you. He doesn’t want to be a burden to you because he loves you. He doesn’t realize he isn’t dead and can still have a great life with a prosthetic. He needs to learn to have faith in himself again, to accept himself as he is now.”

“Do… Do you think so?” I ask hopefully.

“I’m sure. Don’t give up. Go back to your daughter now, but do not give up. He needs you.”

I nod, and she helps me up. As she goes into Hunter’s room, I can see his face for a moment, and everything inside me contracts. He is crying, his expression screwed up in pain.

Nurse Berta is right. He’s pushing me away because he thinks he can protect me that way. What an idiot.

* * *

On the flight home, I work out a battle plan that basically contains only one action point: If he pushes you away, snap right back like a rubber band. We’ll see who’s more stubborn.

Of course, it hurts that he’s being cruel on purpose. Like the thing he said about the BJ. He knew it would hurt me, which is why he said it. From a professional point of view, I know that, but from a personal point of view, it hurts. It’s different when you’re involved. Your rational mind may be well trained, but the heart isn’t and ends up taking over.

I just need to take the fact that he loves me and engrave it in my heart. I need to remember that he believes he can protect me by pushing me away. That he doesn’t want to burden me by being an invalid. He just doesn’t realize he could have a good life with a prosthetic. A very good life.

I know we’ve got a long way ahead of us. A hard and rocky one. And hilly. I’m not taking his injuries lightly. But we can get through them together. A lot of people live very well with prosthetics, and there are good therapy options to get over the sense of loss associated with the trauma. If he gets phantom pain, he can use mirror therapy, which has shown great success. There are so many possibilities, and not one of them says we cannot be together. Or that he can’t be a great daddy to Hazel.

Just thinking her name, my heart contracts with longing. I haven’t held her in my arms for way too long. My little girl. How could I leave her?

Sometimes you have to make tough decisions, and this one was definitely not an easy one, but Hunter also owns a major piece of my heart. And I knew she would be safe with Carey and Sheila.

The closer I get to San Diego, the more excited I get about seeing her. They’re going to pick me up at the airport, and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms. Nothing goes fast enough for me. Passport control, baggage claim—everything is dragging.

Until I finally see her. Good thing Carey’s such a giant.

I run toward them, drop my suitcase, and get down on my knees, and Hazel throws herself into my arms. “Mommy! You bat!”

“Yes, honey, I’m back.” I kiss her little face, happy to feel her arms around me. “I’ve missed you so much!” Slowly, I get up and take two steps toward Carey, who hugs both of us.

“I’m so happy you’re back,” he mumbles into my ear and kisses me on the cheek.

I smile. “Did she terrorize you?”

“No,” Hazel says, while Carey says, “Yes.” They give each other a critical look before Carey taps her cheek, and she smiles. Well, over here, everything seems to be in order.

Carey gets my suitcase, and we head to the car. When I’ve buckled up Hazel in her car seat and closed the door, I tell Carey, “Thank you for everything. It wouldn’t have been possible without you.”

“It’s okay, doll. She’s my niece, and you went to see my brother. How could I not help?”

I smile sadly.

“Though I’m sorry about the way you and Hunter left things.”

I wave it off. “Oh, don’t worry. I have a plan.”

After we get in the car, he asks, “So what’s your plan?”

“Well, do you think it’s possible to get him to San Diego somehow?”

Carey shrugs. “I’m sure there is—if that’s what he wants.”

“Ah, no, he’s not going to agree to it.”

“I’d think not.”

“Damn.”

“That was your plan?” Carey asks incredulously.

I shake my head. “No, it just would have made things easier. But if he wants to make things complicated, we’ll just have to go along with it.”

“With what?”

“Going to Virginia.”

Carey raises his eyebrows. “What?”

“Hunter needs me.”

“Yeah, but you can’t just go and give up everything you have! You’ve worked hard for your life here. I can’t make it without you, either.”

I put my hand on his arm. “Not forever, Carey. Only until Hunter realizes he wants to come back to San Diego.”

“Leave Hazel with me, then.”

“I can’t. It breaks my heart not to be with her.”

Carey nods slowly. “I’m coming too, then.”

“But what about your job?”

“Fuck it. Hunter’s more important. You’re more important.”

“Can you get time off?”

He shrugs. “We’ll see.”

I squeeze his arm. “Thank you, Carey. Thank you. I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

“I wouldn’t, either,” he retorts.

“Ass.”

“Ass! Ass! Ass!” we hear from the back seat. Why do kids always pick up the bad words?

Carey smiles at me. “We’ve got a parrot now.” Hazel laughs in the back seat. “So what’s the rest of your plan?” Carey asks as he turns onto our street.

“I put Hazel on his lap.”

Carey smiles. “Hmm. That might work.”

I turn to look back at our Little Miss Sunshine singing to herself in her car seat. “Oh, it’s going to work.”

* * *

Hunter has to stay in Germany for another four weeks before they fly him back to Virginia. After that, he’ll stay at a rehab facility until he gets used to his prosthetic. He could opt for an outpatient treatment, but he doesn’t have anybody in Virginia…

Oh my God…

Or does he?

For the first time, I think about the possibility that Hunter has a girlfriend. No, please no! I couldn’t take it. Not my Hunter!

“Carey?” I call into the hall. “Does Hunter have a girlfriend?”

Carey comes out of his room. “No idea. He never mentioned one, but it wouldn’t surprise me.”

“I hope not,” I mumble to myself while I return to packing Hazel’s suitcase. She watches me with interest.

“But if he does, I’m sure it’s nothing serious,” Carey says, sitting beside Hazel. “Nothing that could come remotely close to you and Hazeline.”

I have to laugh. He keeps making up new nicknames for her. “Hazeline?”

He nods. “Perfect name for her, don’t you think?”

She gives him a delighted look. An uncle’s child, I tell you.

Turning my attention back to the task ahead, I sigh deeply. We have two months. Two months to convince Hunter to come back to San Diego with us. That’s the time Carey managed to get off work. And I don’t want to send him back here alone. He’s always been there for me. Hazel and I are his family. We can’t leave him. So, eight weeks it is.

We can do this. Hunter can’t be that stubborn. Can he?

“You want to order in some food, or should we go out?” Carey asks, walking back into Hazel’s room with some menues.

I’ve just gotten around to packing her favorite toys. “Order in, I think.”

“Okay.”

“Chinese?”

“Sounds good.”

He goes to order our usual, and I realize how much like an old married couple we are. Hopefully that won’t be weird for Hunter.

God, of course everything’s going to be weird for him. Hazel. The fact that Carey and I are living together. Will he think we’re sleeping together, too? I don’t think so, but who knows? And does he know Carter’s no longer living in San Diego? I wonder if Carter will go see his son if he hears he’s in Virginia? Has he ever gotten in touch with him?

Like every time I’m thinking such thoughts, I start feeling guilty. I’ve destroyed the relationship between a father and son. Maybe it would be better for me to get out… Leave. That way, I can’t ruin anything more.

No, no, no! Stop thinking these thoughts!

I have to stop blaming myself. It’s not my fault. Shit happens. And it’s certainly not my fault Hunter fell in love with me. Cheating on Carter—that was my bad and I need to take responsibility for that. But there’d been a rift between the two of them ever since Hunter decided to join the Marines.

We can sort this out, right?

When I’m finished packing, I join the other two in the living room. They’re sitting on the couch, arms crossed in front of their chests.

“I don’t want!” Hazel cries.

“But you can’t stay dirty like that,” Carey reasons with her.

“Yes, I can.”

“People need to take baths, Hazeline.”

“Not Hazel.”

“Aren’t you a person, too, Hazel?”

She shakes her head. I lean against the doorframe, amused.

“What are you then?”

“Tid.”

I smile. She’s pretty quick.

“Isn’t a kid a person, too?” Carey insists. Hazel shakes her head. “No? What is it, then?”

“Lion.”

Carey smiles. “A lion?”

“Grrr,” she says, sounding more like Simba’s first attempt at a roar than any real lion.

“Well, little lions have to take baths, too,” Carey tells her.

“How?” She looks genuinely confused.

“Their mommies lick them.”

“Eww!”

“So, what’s it going to be, little lion? Are you going to take a bath, or do you want Mac to lick you?”

She gives him a critical look. “With bubbies.”

“Bubbles it is.”

“Pink bubbies.”

He smiles and stretches his hand toward her. She slips hers in it and shakes it as hard as she can like they’ve just struck a business deal.

Carey looks up and sees me standing there. “Your baby does not want to be licked.”

“That’s totally okay. I don’t really want to lick such a dirty baby.” I pull a face and make scary hissing sounds, sending her running all over the living room. I run after her, yelling that I’m going to eat her. She squeals and sprints into Carey’s arms.

I come after her, and she squeaks as I kiss her shoulder making licking sounds. Carey laughs and saves her from me.

“Come on, let’s get to the bathroom, Hazeline, quick!”

She nods emphatically, and together they sprint out of the living room. I run after them, still making scary sounds they seem to find hilarious. Carey slams the door shut in my face, and I scratch at it, hearing them laugh inside.

“Your mom is crazy,” Carey laughs.

“Yeah,” the little traitor agrees, clapping her hands.

The doorbell rings, and I go pay for our food.

When Carey brings a clean Hazeline into the living room, the table is already set. Hazel likes fried noodles with egg only, no veggies and no sauce. I hope this meal doesn’t get her too dirty again. Maybe it would’ve been better to give her a bath after dinner…

But it’s just too cute seeing her dig in with such an appetite, her little fingers and her entire body engaged in the effort of stuffing food in her face. Carey and I always share moo shu pork and spicy duck. Like an old married couple, seriously.

Once Hazel is put to bed, Carey and I retreat to the living room.

“Do you think we can do it?” I ask.

He shrugs beside me on the couch. “There’s three of us and one of him. And besides, he has no idea we have a secret weapon.”

“A secret weapon?”

“Hazel’s charm.”

I smile a little. “I hope he likes her.”

Carey looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. “He’s going to love her.”

“You think?”

“Of course. She’s his daughter, and she’s your daughter. That’s all it’ll take for him to love her.”

After a moment, I confess, “I’m scared.”

“Why?”

“This feels like the battle for Middle-earth. It’s our only chance.”

“That’s a horrible analogy. It may be our only chance, but it’s up to us how long we stick with it. If we don’t give up, we’ll get there in the end.”

“We have eight weeks.”

“We have eight weeks to make up our minds whether he’s worth it or not. We can always decide to give up our life here and start a new one out there.”

“And you would really do that for him?” I ask in awe.

“He’s my brother. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him.” Carey shrugs. “Though, afterwards, I’d rip his head off.”

I smile weakly. “That’s okay.”

He laughs. “There’s nothing for you to worry about, Mac. He loves you. Every time I’ve talked to him on the phone and he’s complained about your stubbornness, I could hear it.”

“He is so much more stubborn than me!” I protest.

“You two are a good match, that’s for sure.”

“We are, right?”

Carey gives me an amused nudge with his shoulder. “Yup.”

“But…what if he doesn’t want me back?”

“Baby steps, doll. First of all, he has to want Hazel. That would be a good start.”

“I guess so.”

“And if he wants Hazel, he’ll understand all the rest of it. Why you left Dad. That you love him. All of it.”

“You think he’s smart enough?” I joke.

“Hey, you’re talking about your future husband,” Carey teases.

“You think so?” My heart beats excitedly in my chest.