SHE WAS SILENT on the drive back to his house. Silent and desperately conscious of every movement he made. His hands on the wheel, the muscular length of his thigh close to hers. He was big and handsome, and keeping her hands to herself was proving as difficult as it had when she was a teenager.
She was starting to wish she hadn’t agreed to dinner. She certainly wasn’t going to be able to eat anything. The tension had created a tight knot in her stomach.
She felt like a teenager, her heart all fluttery and her palms damp.
How crazy was that?
She tried to keep her gaze fixed straight ahead, but somehow she found herself turning her head to look at him. His shirt was open at the neck, allowing her a tantalizing glimpse of his tanned throat.
“You’re quiet.”
“I’m okay.”
“Fliss—”
“All right, I’m not okay. I don’t know if sexual frustration counts as a medical condition, but if it does I have an advanced case of it. You don’t want us to focus on the sex, and that’s just fine in theory, I get it, I really do, the principle I mean, not the sex, obviously I’m not getting the sex—”
“I think—”
“Let me finish! I’m struggling to get my words out here. All I’m saying is that I’ve reached the stage where the sex is getting in the way because it’s all I can think about. And it’s making me crazy.” She closed her eyes. “Forget dinner. I think you’d better take me home. I’ll take a cold shower. Watch a nature program on TV.”
“You want to watch a nature program?”
“No, but I don’t think I’m going to be safe around you. I feel a ‘bad Fliss’ moment coming on. You don’t want to be near me when that happens.”
“Or maybe I do.”
He swerved into his drive, sending loose stones flying. Seconds after he turned off the ignition, he grabbed her and yanked her up against him.
The look in his eyes made her heart pound.
“I thought you didn’t want this.”
“I want this. I was showing restraint.”
“Restraint is overrated.” Her hands tore at his shirt, clumsy in her haste. “Seth, I really want—”
“Me, too, so quit talking and let’s get inside. Whatever other sins we committed in the past, or may commit in the future, I don’t want one of them to be having sex on the front porch in front of all my neighbors.”
They stumbled out of the car, and somehow he opened the front door of his house. They all but fell through it and then he was kissing her, opening her mouth with his. She felt the erotic slide of his tongue against hers, and it felt so sinfully good she wondered how she could have survived so long without this.
Why had it never been like this with anyone else?
Why had no other man ever made her feel this way?
Still kissing her, he pushed her back against the wall and kicked the door shut. He pinned her there, trapping her legs between his and caging her with his arms, and she gave a shiver of excitement because whatever she’d started it was clear he intended to finish it.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and he dropped his hands to her waist and then her thighs, his body still pinning hers against the wall. She felt hard muscle and strength and whispered his name, urging him on as she trailed her mouth from his lips to the roughness of his jaw. Her breathing was as unsteady as his and her heart pounded with almost brutal force as his hands slid beneath her panties. Sensation shot through her, turning her limbs heavy and weak. She wanted him so badly it was indecent, and she moaned as she felt the slow, skilled invasion of his fingers. His mouth silenced her, his kiss deep and deliberate. She wanted to speak, to tell him how good it felt, how much she’d missed him, but her thoughts were tumbled and confused and she couldn’t form the words. She’d never felt like this before. Nothing had ever felt like this. She wanted him so badly that when he withdrew his hand she almost sobbed, but then she realized he was simply removing clothing that was getting in the way.
Her panties hit the floor. Her bra followed.
She fumbled with the buttons of his shirt and opened it.
She’d seen him on the beach, in board shorts and in even less, but she couldn’t get enough of looking at him.
Her body remembered his, remembered the feel and the taste. She knew every inch of him, but recognized the changes. His shoulders were broader, his muscles more clearly defined. He was strong, steady and sure of himself.
Years of separation fueled their desperation. They ripped off the rest of each other’s clothes, although Seth paused long enough to grab something from the pocket of his jeans. Haste made them clumsy and Fliss murmured a protest, and then he was lifting her, his hands hard on her thighs as he pressed her back. Desire was so intense it was almost suffocating. She wrapped her legs around him and cried out as he drove into her, the sound a mix of shock and pleasure as she felt her body yield to the thickness of him. She was engulfed in a storm of sensation, each upward thrust sending her senses spinning. She felt crazily out of control, dizzy with it, and gripped the muscles of his arms, trying to hold on to something as her body yielded to his demands. But whatever he took, he gave back a thousandfold until she was shivery and helpless.
She’d never known excitement like it, and she wondered if there would ever be a time when the chemistry between them calmed to something more serene and gentle. Right now the excitement was savage and urgent, a cascade of erotic sensations that built and built until she felt herself tip over the edge. Her body shuddered against his, and he captured her cry of pleasure with his mouth as he hit the same peak.
It was a long time before either of them moved. She stayed where she was, her forehead resting on his shoulder.
Finally he lowered her to the floor. Still holding her with one hand, he slid the fingers of his other hand under her chin and lifted her face to his. She gazed up at him, dazed, wondering how a look could feel more intimate than what they’d already shared.
His hand slid behind her neck, cradling her head while his thumb gently stroked her cheek. “Are you all right?” His voice was soft, his gaze intensely personal.
“I’m not sure. Best not to let go of me for a minute.”
“I was holding back.”
“Really? I didn’t notice.” She was glad she was trapped between him and the wall because she wasn’t sure her legs would have held her without help.
“I meant, I was trying to postpone this happening.”
“I know. And this might be a good time to tell you I question your reasoning.”
“I had a master plan. First we were going to date. I was going to get you talking to me. Persuade you to share.”
“We dated. We talked. I’ve shared.” More than she ever had with anyone else. Thinking about it was more than a little terrifying. “Then what?”
“I was going to take it to the next stage. And before you ask me, I hadn’t exactly figured that out, but it was going to be romantic. It wasn’t going to be sex against the wall before you’d barely made it through the door.”
“It worked for me.” She could have stared at him all night and all day. The Poker Princesses were right. He had incredible eyelashes. “Tell me more about your plans for romantic.”
“I hadn’t got as far as making firm plans, but they definitely involved a comfortable bed.”
“The wall seemed to work perfectly well.” Although she was only now realizing that parts of her ached. “Maybe we could go for a more comfortable option next time.”
He smoothed her hair back from her face. “Did I hurt you? Because I swear I heard something crunch when we hit the wall.”
“That was my willpower.” She lifted her head, viewing him from between the tangled strands of her hair. “Now maybe I can stop thinking about sex and focus on all the other stuff you want us to focus on.”
“You think that’s going to work?”
“Sure. In time. Once all the hot stuff has cooled. Of course, that might take a while.” She tested her legs, surprised to discover that they seemed able to hold her. “You used a condom. It seems at least one of us has learned our lesson from last time. Do you always carry that with you?” She asked the question casually, and he tugged her back to look at him.
“You think I’m prepared to have sex with every woman I meet?”
“I don’t know. It seems as if every woman you meet thinks you’re cute, so I guess it’s good to be prepared.” After what had happened between them she couldn’t blame him, and she hated herself for asking the question as much as for the insecurity behind it. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.”
“It’s definitely your business.” His eyes darkened. “And the answer is I’m prepared, and careful, but only since you moved here. Before that I generally managed to get through my working day without jumping on women.”
His words left her with a warm glow. “You’re saying it’s just me that has this effect on you?”
“Seems that way.”
She stroked her hand over his shoulders, feeling taut muscle under her fingers. “We could try this again. Your way.”
He glanced sideways. “Lulu is wearing your bra.”
“Do you think we shocked her?”
“Nothing shocks Lulu.” He turned his attention back to Fliss, kissed her slowly and thoroughly and then eased away. “Let’s go upstairs.”
“I think I might have dropped my tank top on your doorstep.”
“It will be a deterrent for visitors.” He scooped her up, and she gasped.
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t want to have sex on the stairs, and that’s what will happen if you walk up the stairs in front of me.”
They made it upstairs, stumbling and laughing, and fell onto his bed, their bodies lit by moonlight.
He touched her with skilled, practiced hands, every move slow and drawn out, designed to pull maximum pleasure from the moment. It was agonizingly intimate and totally different from anything they’d shared before.
The darkness was filled with soft sounds and low murmurs. He wanted and demanded everything, and she gave him all that and more, and when she finally reached the peak she was afraid she might shatter.
Afterward they lay there, close, eyes locked, her legs trapped by his.
He ran the pad of his thumb over her forehead. “I’d forgotten your scar. You never did tell me how you got it.”
She shrugged. “Fell into a tree.”
“Yeah? Because you seem pretty competent walking around whenever I watch you. And lately I watch you a lot.”
“I was fighting.”
“Why were you fighting?”
“It felt like more fun than doing a boring English assignment.” She saw the look in his eyes and sighed. It was typical of him to know there would have been a reason. He looked for good in people. It was part of the man he was. “Someone was mean to Harriet.”
“So you leaped in and defended your sister.”
“His name was Johnny Hill. He was captain of the football team and a real bully. He made her cry. No one makes my sister cry.”
“So you were stepping in front of her, the way you did with me this evening.”
It was true, and it made her realize that she was in deep. It made her stomach lurch to contemplate how deep. If there had been a life preserver handy she would have grabbed it. “So what if I did?”
He slid his hand behind her neck and took her mouth. “You care.”
“Maybe I do.” Admitting it felt scary. Admitting it meant stripping away armor and making yourself vulnerable.
“And you care about your sister. You care enough to protect her.” His fingertips gently traced her scar. “I think that makes you Good Girl Fliss.”
“The school didn’t think so. I was suspended for a while, which meant I couldn’t watch out for Harriet. I was more careful after that.” She changed the subject, preferring not to dwell on what was happening with her feelings.
“No more fights?”
“I kept them off the school premises.” She turned on her side, her hand on his chest. “Now it’s your turn. Show me your scars, Carlyle.”
“I don’t have scars. At least, not on the outside.”
“And on the inside?” She felt his hand stroke her hair.
“I never stopped thinking about you, Fliss. You’ve always kept a piece of my heart.”
His words stole her breath and sliced through her. It made her think about all the time they’d lost and what might have been. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“I hurt you, too. We both made mistakes. I think it’s called being human.”
“I should have said more. Opened up more.”
“When a person has spent their whole life putting up barriers, it’s difficult to trust people enough to lower them.”
And suddenly it seemed important to make him understand.
She eased out of his arms and sat up. “My dad knew exactly how to control people. He understood their weaknesses and he used them. He wanted to hurt. Pretty early on I realized that, and I was determined never to let him see that he’d hurt me. The more indifferent I was, the worse he became.” She shook her head. “Maybe I should have crumpled at the first insult, but there was no way I was doing that. He preyed on weakness. On vulnerability. The only way to survive him was to never let myself be vulnerable. So I hid. Not like Harriet, who hid under the table or in her bedroom, I hid inside myself. I built these walls. I even used to imagine I was in a castle and the enemy was coming. I’d pull up the drawbridge and they’d be trapped outside. That’s how I used to picture my dad.”
He sat up, too, pulling the covers around them. “As the enemy?”
“There were days when it felt that way. He taunted me that I was no good, useless, so I spent my whole adult life proving him wrong. How crazy is that? In a way I let him control me. I wanted to show him I could be financially independent and successful. And I worked so hard at hiding my feelings, and got pretty good at it. I think I was afraid that if I lowered that drawbridge to let you in, my defenses would be down. I couldn’t let that happen. I needed to protect myself. I saw my mom vulnerable. And Harriet. I didn’t want to be vulnerable, too.”
“And now? You’ve started opening up. You’ve lowered that drawbridge and let me in. Told me things you’ve never told me before. And have those castle walls come crashing down?”
She gave a half smile. “Still standing.”
He nodded, his gaze thoughtful. “You know, someone who crosses that drawbridge isn’t always the enemy. You were afraid to let down that drawbridge because you thought the person on the other side would attack you, but I’m not attacking you, honey. I’m on your side. Think of me as reinforcements.”
“My father used to tell me I’d never do anything with my life.” She breathed. “I’ve never told anyone that before. I was always afraid that if I said it aloud, someone might agree.”
“Fliss—”
“I worked hard because I wanted the freedom and independence that came with owning and running a successful business, and I wanted Harriet to have that, too. And I worked hard because deep down I wanted him to be proud. I really wanted him to tell me he was proud, and that he’d been wrong about me. He never did. Never has.”
“You don’t need him to tell you that.” He pulled her into the circle on his arms. “You know he was wrong.”
“I wanted to hear him say it. I went to see him in the hospital, hoping for some dramatic reconciliation. It always happens in the movies.” Her voice was muffled against his chest, and she felt his hand smooth her hair gently.
“I’m guessing in this case life wasn’t like the movies.”
“Some people might have used that experience to reconnect with people. Not my father.” She paused. “It didn’t soften him or make him repent in any way. I showed up at the hospital and he asked me what I wanted. It was a good question, and I realized right then that all I really wanted was his approval, and I was never going to get it. To him I was always useless, hopeless, a disaster.” She felt Seth’s arms tighten around her. “He pushed me away, and it hurt more than anything that had gone before. I’ve never told anyone that before. No one else knew I went to see him, not even Harriet.”
“If he pushed you away, that was his loss.”
“It was mine, too, but it’s a loss I have to learn to live with.” She lifted her head. “I’m glad I told you.”
“So am I.”
“Talking. Opening up. It feels good. Better than I thought it would. I think I could get to like it.”
“Good. Because I’m definitely liking it.” He pressed his mouth to her neck. “And I’m liking other things, too.”
So was she. And as he pulled her down again she realized that during all those years she’d spent trying to find someone else, she’d been wasting her time. She didn’t want someone else. She’d never wanted anyone else. All she’d ever wanted was this. Him.
Seth.