“POKER AND SEX TALK? They actually called it that?” Seth drove down the narrow roads that led to the water.
He’d been surprised when she’d texted him, asking him if they could meet earlier.
She’d sprang into his car and muttered “Drive” without offering any explanation until now.
He’d been mildly amused by the irony. For years she’d been avoiding him, and now she was treating him like a getaway vehicle.
“Yes. I heard the words clearly before I went into shock. I mean, their combined age must be close to four hundred.”
“So they have a lot of experience between them.”
“I know. And I’m not sure how deeply I want to think about that.” She glanced back over her shoulder. “They probably have their noses pressed to the window right now watching us through binoculars.”
“Would it bother you?” He didn’t mind if the locals were interested in his life, as long as they didn’t try to influence it the way Vanessa had.
He’d spoken to her the night before, immediately after Fliss had left. It had been the harshest conversation he’d ever had with his sister. With hindsight he probably should have waited until his temper had reduced from a boil to a simmer, but the thought that Vanessa might have in any way contributed to tearing apart his relationship with Fliss had driven aside restraint.
Remembering the conversation, he tightened his hands on the wheel.
Fliss glanced at him. “Is something wrong? You look angry.”
“Not angry.” He forced himself to relax.
“Good. For a moment there I wondered if you’d overheard their conversation. They talked about you in lurid detail. Doesn’t that terrify you?”
“You’re forgetting I’ve lived here for a while. I’m used to them. And then there’s the fact that I don’t scare easily.”
“Then you’re made of tougher stuff than I am. They scared the hell out of me. I’m not used to talking about personal stuff, particularly not with five women all of whom were over the age of eighty.” She slid her sunglasses onto her nose. “You still sail a lot?”
“Whenever we get the chance.” He glanced in his mirror and saw Lulu looking back at him, loyal and devoted. He was hoping she played her role well and helped Fliss to unwind.
Fortunately she seemed relaxed enough at the moment.
“Matilda said you and Chase sail together.”
“Sometimes. And sometimes I sail with his brother Brett. Sometimes I just take Lulu.” He parked at the pretty waterfront and heard Fliss sigh.
“I love this place. They have the most spectacular Fourth of July fireworks display. Grams used to bring us.”
“I saw you a few times.” And he’d watched her, seen her face glow as she’d watched the night sky light up with a glittering explosion of stars. “We used to come here, too. My dad was a member of the yacht club.”
She turned to look at him. “You must miss sailing with your father. I know you loved that. I used to sit on the beach and watch the two of you.”
The pain was sudden and acute, like a kick in the gut. “Yes. It was the time we both used to unwind. He was the one who taught me. Took me out on the water before I could walk. He had so much knowledge about the waters around Gardiner’s Bay and Shelter Island.”
“And he passed that on to you.”
“Sometimes he took Vanessa, and I used to hate that because it was something I did with him. It was ours. I didn’t want to share it with my sister. I was fiercely jealous.” He glanced at her. “I bet you can’t understand that. You shared everything with your sister.”
“And nothing with my father. I guess every family is different.”
“I guess it is.” He parked and sat for a minute fighting off the memories that swooped and swirled around him. “Once a year we used to compete in the yacht race. My father was so competitive.” It made him smile to remember it. “Sometimes we just used to go out on the water and spend the weekend harbor hopping.”
“Is it worse sailing without him or does it help?”
“It helps. It definitely helps.”
“Then let’s sail. Let’s do this.” She gave his hand a squeeze and opened the car door.
Lulu sprang out, tail wagging approval, game for anything.
And so was Fliss. It was one of the things he’d always loved about her, the fact that whatever anyone suggested her answer was always yes.
He watched her tease and play with Lulu, talking to her, telling her she was a beautiful girl and clever.
Grateful for those few extra moments, he shook off the dark cloud, climbed out of the car and removed the cooler and a large bag from the trunk.
“I hope you’re hungry.”
“As it happens I am, which is just as well because over-catering seems to be a habit of yours. You inherited your mother’s hospitality gene.” She straightened. “I didn’t know you kept your boat at the yacht club. What about your private dock?”
“I might move it there eventually, but right now it’s convenient for me to keep it here.”
Lulu was running in circles, tail wagging.
“Someone is excited.” Fliss stooped to fuss over her again. “How long have you had her?”
“The boat or the dog?”
She laughed. “Lulu.”
“Six years.” Seth slammed the car door and carried the gear to the boat. “She was the star of a long-running TV series. She was injured filming a stunt, and they brought her to my clinic.”
“This is when you were working in California?”
“Yes. We got talking about how she’d have to be retired and how hard it would be to find a home for her. She gave me a look. Big eyes. Sorrowful. I was completely taken in. It was only later I learned that ‘sorrowful’ on demand was one of her party tricks.”
“So you kept her. Lucky dog.”
Seth glanced at Lulu, who could brighten his day with each friendly wag of her tail. “I was the lucky one. She’s a real character. And because she did so many things when she was working in movies, she’s game for anything. She’s so brave.” Another thing she had in common with Fliss.
“She’s not purebred Labrador?”
“Part Labrador, part retriever.”
Lulu sprang onto the boat with a single joyful bound.
Fliss stayed on the dock, studying the boat from bow to stern. “This isn’t the boat you used to sail.”
“I’ve had this about six years.”
“You had a little sloop. A classic wooden sailboat that your dad spent every weekend restoring. He was always trying to track down certain types of wood or canvas. I was always surprised that a lawyer would know so much about boatbuilding.”
“It was a hobby. And he was an incredible craftsman. The boat was his relaxation. His way of leaving the city and the job behind.”
“What happened to the sloop?”
“He sold it. Life got busier and we didn’t have the time to keep maintaining it.” And he missed those days. Those easy, lazy weekends where the only sounds had been the clink of masts and the soft slap of water against the hull of the boat. “This boat is easier to sail. And she’s fast.”
“How fast?” Fliss’s eyes gleamed. “Are we going to get a speeding ticket?”
“You’d like that.”
“It would be an adventure. It’s been a long time since I was on a boat. Does that matter? Am I going to need to help?”
“I can sail her singlehanded if I need to. She has a self-tacking jib and auto-whisker pole.”
“No idea what that is, which proves that whatever you taught me, I’ve forgotten.”
“You don’t have to know anything. I’ll tell you what to do. You just have to follow orders.” He stepped onto the boat and stowed the cooler. “Think you can do that?”
“If the alternative is taking an unscheduled dip in the ocean, then yes. You know how to motivate a girl.” She paused and glanced at him, and there was a wistful look in her eyes. The look she gave him made him pause.
“What? Now you’re scared that you’ll drown? Don’t be. I’m a good sailor and you can wear a life jacket.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
She shrugged. “This feels—this was one of my favorite things.” It was as close as she’d come to talking about their relationship, and he stopped what he was doing and listened.
The wind and the tides could wait. If Fliss was talking, he was going to let her talk.
“The sailing?”
“The few times you took us all out with you on the boat. I loved it. I used to wish it was just the two of us.” She shook her head. “So is this a date, or am I sharing a sport you love?”
“Call it what you like. Whatever makes you get your butt onto this boat, that’s what it is.” He lightened the mood and saw her grin. He loved her smile, the way her mouth tilted and her eyes sparkled with anticipation. “I’m hoping you’ll get on this boat before the sun sets. Of course, if you’d rather not, there’s always sex and poker back at your grandmother’s house. Your choice.”
“The choice is meant to be between the devil and the deep blue sea. The two aren’t meant to be one and the same.”
“Am I the devil in this scenario? I’m making you nervous?” He sensed it was him and not the sailing.
“Only because I don’t know the rules. I don’t know what this is. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. Oh, what the hell—” She puffed a strand of hair out of her eyes and sprang onto the boat, lithe as a cat. “I choose the devil and the deep blue sea.”
“I’m not the devil, and presumably you’re here because you want to be.” He put his hand on her shoulder and saw her smile falter. “We’re doing some of the things we never did before, that’s all. And there are no rules.”
Her gaze met his, and the smile returned. “Am I going to get seasick?”
“I seriously hope not because I have food in the cooler.” He let his hand drop, and she swept her hair back from her face and settled her sunglasses on her nose.
“Of course you do. Your name is Carlyle. So this is just two people enjoying a pretty afternoon on the water. Sounds good. Certainly sounds more appealing than poker night with reruns of Sex in the City.”
He guided the boat out of the marina and into the bay. To the west were the twin forks of Long Island, to the right the open water, the shape of Gardiner’s Island in the distance.
Fliss stood next to him, feet planted apart, steadying herself against the gentle rise and fall of the boat. “I used to dream about that first time you took me out on the water. You have no idea how much I envied you. I envied your tight loving family, too, of course, but I also envied you the boat. Being out on the ocean felt like freedom to me. You could have just carried on sailing and never come back.”
It was a thought that would never have occurred to him, but clearly it had occurred to her.
For him the summer had been an escape from life in the city. For her it had been an escape from life with her father.
“I saw you watching me. You always sat in the same place. On the sand, tucked between the dunes.”
She turned. “You saw me?”
“We all saw you.” He judged the wind and made an adjustment to the sails. “Although I admit I probably paid more attention than most.”
“You did?”
“Sure. You had great legs. I’m shallow like that.”
“That was it?”
“Your butt was cute.”
She punched him on the arm. “How do you know you weren’t looking at Harriet? From that distance, you wouldn’t have been able to tell.”
“I could tell. You never wore shoes. Everywhere you went, your feet were bare.”
“I liked it. Still do. It gives me a feeling of freedom. Makes me think of the beach. I do it at home, too. It drives Harriet insane because she’s always falling over my shoes.” She paused. “I didn’t know you noticed me. I thought I was one of the crowd. Daniel’s sister. You were always surrounded by girls. Older than me. They had confidence, flippy hair and not a single bruise on their personality.”
“I knew you existed.” He kept his eyes on the horizon, hoping that if he kept it low-key she’d keep talking. “You really thought the first time I noticed you was the night of your eighteenth birthday?”
“Until that night we were always in a group.”
“Sometimes in a group there’s one person who stands out. You were that person for me.”
“Because of my legs and my butt?”
“No. Not because of that.”
She was silent and suddenly he wished he hadn’t chosen to take her sailing. Sailing demanded concentration, and what he wanted to do was concentrate on her. He didn’t want his hands on the boat. He wanted his hands on the woman.
But that would be the wrong thing to do. Too fast, too intense, and they risked blowing what they had all over again.
“I didn’t know.”
“Your brother knew. He warned me away from you. Told me you’d been hurt enough.”
“He talked about our home life? Daniel?” She sounded astonished, as if the possibility hadn’t occurred to her.
“A couple of times. He’d had a beer or two and there had been some incident at home. From what Daniel told me, your father preferred ripping into you than eating his dinner.” And he’d listened, feeling his friend’s frustration, his hands balled into fists as he’d wondered what type of guy would find tormenting his daughter to be a sport.
“Daniel tried to get me to keep quiet, but I couldn’t. If I’d stayed silent, it probably would have ended sooner, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Harriet hid under the table with her hands over her ears. I argued with him. The more I argued, the madder he got. My dad always had to win every fight. He had to have the last word. He wanted to see me cry, and I refused to ever cry.” She gave a soft laugh. “Some days I thought I was going to burst holding it all inside, but I would rather have burst than let him see he’d upset me. I’m stubborn like that.”
“I knew things were difficult for you, but I didn’t know the details.” And he hated hearing it, but he hated not hearing it even more. He wanted to know. In some ways dealing with Fliss was like dealing with a sick animal. They didn’t tell you what was wrong. You had to search for clues. It was a jigsaw puzzle, and up until today he’d had nothing but missing pieces.
“It’s the way it was. I just felt so bad for my mom. She loved him so much. She worked so damn hard to please him, and he didn’t even give her a morsel of affection in return. That was the worst part for me. Made me realize that loving someone isn’t enough. They have to love you back, and you can’t make that happen. Wanting it isn’t enough. I didn’t realize Daniel had told you.”
“Why wouldn’t he? We were good friends.”
“Before I came along and ruined it.”
“He was protective of you. I don’t blame him for that. And he was worried I’d hurt you.”
And he had hurt her.
It had been unintentional, but he’d hurt her nonetheless.
The wind blew them along, and he kept his gaze fixed on the horizon. Other sailboats dotted the horizon, two or three abreast as they bounced over the waves. Sleek yachts, the thoroughbreds of sailing, that wouldn’t be seen once the summer season ended. As the weather cooled and the wind whipped at the water, those boats would be replaced by fishing vessels loaded with nets and ice chests.
Fliss made a sound of annoyance. “I didn’t need him to police my relationships. But I did feel bad that I ruined your friendship.”
“I was responsible for that.” They slid through the waves with barely a whisper, the boat accelerating under his touch. “And so was he, by not listening when I tried to talk to him. But when it came to you he had a protective streak as wide as the Atlantic Ocean.”
“I know. He still does. Did you know that he’s getting married? They haven’t fixed a date yet, but it’s serious.”
“A woman called Molly? I met her when they brought her Dalmatian to the vet.”
“That’s right. She’s been good for Daniel. I’ve never seen him like that before. She brings out the best in him.”
“I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.” He sailed the boat across to the island, turned the boat head to wind and dropped the anchor. “Grab the cooler. I raided the deli on my way home from the clinic. There’s cold chicken, fresh salad and a sourdough loaf.”
“Are we going ashore?”
“No. We’ll eat on the boat.”
“How about swimming?” Her eyes gleamed. “Are we doing that?”
“Did you bring a bikini?”
“As it happens I’m wearing one under my clothes. I promised Harriet no skinny-dipping.”
“Damn.” He handed her a plate. “If I’d known that, I would have invited a different woman. You’re no fun.”
“That’s me. Staid and sensible.” She peered into the cooler. “This looks delicious.”
“What’s your grandmother eating tonight?”
“Nothing I made, so you can relax. Her friends brought her dinner. Dora made a casserole that would feed the whole of the Hamptons. I’ve decided I want that when I’m ninety.” She sat down and stretched out her legs, tilting her face to the sun. “A bunch of great friends who will talk about everything, including sex, and feed me. I used to wonder why Grams didn’t move from here, but I’m starting to understand why she’d stay.”
“Dora?” He divided the food onto two plates. “Owns a chocolate Lab called Darcy?”
“You know her?” She took a bite of chicken and purred like a contented cat. “This is delicious.”
“I’m the vet. I know everyone. Darcy is my patient. Nice temperament.”
“That’s good to know because starting tomorrow, I’m walking Darcy.”
“You are? So that’s three dogs now. Maybe you should extend your business to cover the Hamptons.”
Fliss swallowed and stared at him. “There are already plenty of dog-walking businesses here already.”
“Upscale ones that will give your pooch a spa day or fly it in a helicopter to Manhattan. I’m willing to bet there are plenty of people who’d use a quality, trustworthy outfit like the Bark Rangers. And for those people who shuttle between here and Manhattan, you offer continuity.”
She helped herself to more chicken. “That’s an interesting idea. It hadn’t occurred to me to formalize it. I mean they’re paying me, of course, but I hadn’t thought of it as a permanent arrangement.” She licked her fingers, frowning slightly. “It can’t be. I don’t know how long I’ll be staying, but no more than a few weeks.”
“In Manhattan you don’t do all the walking yourself, do you? You could recruit people.”
“Yes, and that part is hard work because we need reliable dog walkers. Do you know anyone who might be interested?”
“I’m pretty sure my vet tech might be interested. She loves dogs and she could probably use the money. And she has a couple of friends who work part-time. I could ask around if you like.”
“Thanks. I’ve thought about extending the business, but this option hadn’t occurred to me.” She finished the chicken and tore off a chunk of bread. “You think I could recruit enough dog walkers to enable me to run it from Manhattan?”
“Why not? You don’t do it all yourself in Manhattan, do you?”
“No. But it’s taken us a long time to build up a reliable team.”
“So start small. Build it up slowly. See how it goes. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out.”
They talked it through while they finished the picnic.
“I need to crunch some numbers.” She wiped her fingers, then pulled her phone out of her purse and made some notes for herself. “I need to work out how many dog owners there are, and how many are likely to use the services of a reliable dog walker.”
“There are plenty of dogs. If you drop by the office tomorrow I can give you a number. We’re not the only vet clinic, of course, but it would give you an idea.”
“Could I put an advertisement on your bulletin board?”
“Sure.”
“I might be able to expand the business simply by walking the dogs of my grandmother’s friends.”
“If you’re walking Darcy, you’ll probably need to check him for listening devices.”
She grinned. “You think she’ll bug the dog in order to eavesdrop on my love life? That’s an interesting idea.”
“Never underestimate how far the locals will go to find out what they want to know. Are you saying Dora didn’t grill you?”
“Until I was charred. Cooked right through. They wanted to know everything about you.”
Knowing her as he did, he doubted they’d extracted much information from her. “So what did you tell them?”
“I told them there’s nothing happening between us. Because there isn’t.” Her gaze flickered to his and then away again. “They think you’re hot, by the way.”
Seth almost fell over the side of the boat. “Excuse me?”
“According to them you’re the most eligible man in the Hamptons, and that’s saying something.” She eyed him. “Martha thinks you have great shoulders. Dora likes your arms. For Rita it’s your eyelashes.”
“My eyelashes?”
“Don’t look to me for an explanation. I don’t get what they see in you. Personally, I don’t find you attractive at all.” She secured a strand of hair behind her ear. “Never did.”
He loved her sense of humor. The fact that it was reemerging now told him she was relaxing with him. “Right. So all that sex we had—”
“I don’t remember ever having sex with you. You must be thinking of someone else.”
“Maybe. She was a cute blonde who used to climb out of the kitchen window because the back door creaked.”
“Yeah? She sounds like trouble. You should have stayed away from her.”
“We weren’t good at staying away from each other.” And then later, when it had all gone wrong, he’d stayed away when he should have gotten closer.
They’d done it all wrong, he realized.
He stood up, cleared up the remains of the picnic and she helped.
“I blame hormones.”
“Hormones?” He stowed the rest of the food in the cooler. “You’re telling me you would have done those things with anybody?”
“Yeah, pretty much. We bad girls don’t much mind who we’re bad with.”
“So I was just in the right place at the right time.”
“That and teenage experimentation. I was a bad influence on you.”
He decided this wasn’t the time to dispute that. Instead he stooped and moved the rope before she could trip over it. “We should make a move before it gets late.”
“If I go home now they’ll still be there and I’ll have to face the inquisition. I’m not sure I have the strength for it.”
He raised the anchor. “After what you told me, I’m not sure I’m ever going to be able to look them in the eye again either.”
“They won’t notice. They’re not looking at your eyes. Apart from Rita, who is obsessed with your eyelashes.”
“Stop. You’re starting to make me nervous.” He tried to focus on sailing the boat back to the marina.
“Now you know how I felt.” She pushed her hat down onto her head. “And they’re reading one of Matilda’s books for their book group.”
“That’s nice. Supportive.”
“Have you read Matilda’s books?”
“I can’t say I have.” He headed back across the bay, the waves slapping gently at the sides of the boat. It was a perfect evening, and there were plenty of other boats on the water. “I go more for thriller and crime than romance.”
“They’re pretty hot.”
“Seems like you learned something new about your grandmother today.”
“I learned a couple of things, and one of them was that I don’t know my grandmother as well as I thought I did.”
“Which surprised you the most? The fact that they read Matilda’s books or the fact that they play poker for money?”
She was silent for a moment. “The biggest surprise was that she’s proud of me.” She leaned on the rail of the boat and stared across the water. “Never knew that before.”
He glanced at her, but all he could see was her profile. “You didn’t know your grandmother was proud of you?”
“No. It never occurred to me for a moment that she was proud of me. Why would it?”
It seemed a strange question to him. “She’s your grandmother. It goes with the territory.” And then he saw her expression and was reminded that her territory had looked nothing like his. And that had been part of the problem. Handling Fliss had been like landing in a different country without a map or a phrase book. “I’m sorry. Give me a minute while I pull my foot out of my mouth.”
“Don’t. Don’t ever tiptoe around me. I don’t want that. The truth is I didn’t give her a reason to be proud.”
Her comment made his heart tighten in his chest.
Did she really believe that? “I’m sure you gave her plenty of reasons.”
“No. I was always the one causing trouble.”
He wondered how much to say. How far to push it. “And you did that to take the attention from your sister.”
She turned her head and met his gaze. “Excuse me?”
“You kept your father’s attention on you so that he didn’t start on Harriet.”
“Daniel told you that?”
“He might have mentioned it, but it wasn’t hard to work it out. You always stepped in front of Harriet. Physically, when necessary, but I guess with your father you had a different tactic in mind. You were the equivalent of a flare, tempting the heat-seeking missile off course.” He waited for her to deny it. To shut him down and close him out as she always did.
Instead she gave a soft laugh. “You’re right. That’s what I did. And it worked.”
“Now we’ve finally got that straight, could we also reach the point where you stop calling yourself the bad twin? I hate it. It isn’t who you are. And it certainly isn’t the way I see you.”
“Those were his words, not mine.”
Seth kept his hands tight on the wheel and his eyes fixed on the horizon. “He didn’t know what he was talking about.”
“He knew. He knew how to wound. And once he’d wounded he knew how to make that wound hurt like the devil. I grew up accepting that I couldn’t please him, and somewhere along the way I stopped trying. As long as he left Harriet alone, that was fine by me.”
“And you wonder why your grandmother is proud of you? What exactly did she say? She told you straight out?”
“No. It was her friends, really. They started to tease her. They repeated her words. Chorused it. As if they’d heard her say the same thing time and time again. I thought they meant Harriet. Whenever there was praise floating around, it was usually for Harriet. And that didn’t bother me,” she added quickly, “because she deserved it.”
“So did you, for a million reasons and certainly for stepping in front of her all the time.”
“I didn’t do that for praise. I did it because I loved my sister and hated to see her suffer. She had a terrible stammer as a child. The more he yelled, the worse her stammer, and the more she stammered, the more her confidence dropped. It was a vicious cycle.” It was obvious that thinking back to that time distressed her.
“And now?”
“She hasn’t stammered for a couple of years.” There was warmth in her voice. “We have a great circle of friends, a cool apartment even though it’s on the small side, and she loves her work.”
“And she has that work because of you.” And the apartment, he suspected. “You’re the driving force.”
“We make a good team. And Harriet is tougher than she looks. And maybe she wouldn’t have set it up if she’d been on her own, but she’s as essential to the business as I am. She’s so happy working with the animals. The clients, both human and canine, all love her.”
He wondered if she even realized the extent to which she put her sister first. At the first sign of threat or danger, she stepped in front of her. It seemed to him that it was something she did instinctively, without thinking or maybe even noticing.
“Do you ever wonder what your relationship with your father might have been like if you hadn’t always protected Harriet?”
“It would have been exactly the same.” She paused. “I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t us, it was him. Something in him made him angry. I didn’t expect him to be proud of me. I’ve never expected that from anyone, so tonight when Grams said that—I felt as if someone had stuffed a tennis ball in my throat. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t swallow.” She frowned. “Since I’ve been here I’m starting to realize there’s so much about my grandmother that I don’t know. There are things I’d love to ask her.”
He leaned against the rail of the boat, watching the dying rays of the sun flicker across her hair and face. “Like what?”
“I’d like to ask her about my mother. I want to try to understand why she tried so hard at a marriage that wasn’t working. I want to understand why my father, who didn’t love her at all, wouldn’t let her go. He used us to blackmail her into staying, but why did he even want that? Why not just cut loose so they could both rebuild their lives? He could have met someone else. So could she.”
“You never talked to your mother about it?”
“Harriet tried a couple of times. She wouldn’t talk about it. She said she wanted to think about the future, not the past. And she’s probably right. It’s best to focus on the present.” She threw him a smile. “And talking of the present, how do I handle the inquisition when I get home?”
“Maybe they won’t be too interested in the details.”
“Are you kidding? They wanted to know how you kissed.”
He didn’t know whether to be amused or appalled. “What did you tell them?”
“I told them I couldn’t remember.”
He reached out and yanked her toward him, catching her off balance. She landed against his chest with a thud and a gasp, and for a moment he could smell the fragrance of her hair and skin. His last coherent thought was that if his plan had been to keep his distance, this was the stupidest move of his life. Then he was kissing her, or maybe she was kissing him. It was a blur of hands, lips and need, hers and his, equally matched as it always had been. Everything about it was urgent. A rush of hunger, a burn of desire, and through it all there was the delicious thrill of kissing her again. Only with her had he ever felt this. Everything was exaggerated and more intense. He felt the light curve of her breast and the pounding of her heart beneath his hand. It wasn’t enough. He wanted more, and he tugged at her shirt and felt her hands tugging at his. She was all sleek lines and smooth curves, her skin smooth and warm. He tasted sweetness and desperation on her lips, and felt desire rip through him like flames through a dry forest until all he wanted to do was strip her naked and take her right here and damn the consequences.
But they’d damned the consequences the last time, and he’d spent a decade regretting it. If he carried on, they’d be back where they started, doing what they’d done before. And what they’d had before wasn’t enough for him. This time, he cared about the consequences.
Seth dragged his mouth from hers, yanked her top back down and thrust her away from him, turning his attention back to the boat.
It took him a moment to find his balance. To remember how the hell to sail a boat.
She was obviously the same because she caught the wheel to steady herself and then looked at him, her eyes dazed, strands of hair over her eyes. “What are you doing? Why the hell did you just do that?”
It was a good question.
It took all his effort to produce an answer that wasn’t going to scare her senseless. “I thought I’d remind you how I kiss so that next time they ask you, you’ll be able to answer.”
Yeah, right.
“I didn’t need you to do that! It wasn’t fair of you to do that.” She touched her fingers to her mouth, as if she could still feel his kiss.
He could feel it, too. He felt it on his lips, in his bones and in his heart.
“Maybe I don’t always play fair.” He held her gaze for a moment and then turned his attention back to the harbor in the distance. “Maybe I’m not the good boy you always thought I was.”
“What are you saying? That you want to have another wild affair? Another hot, sizzling summer in the Hamptons, is that it? Live in the present.”
He adjusted the heading of the boat. “No. That’s not what I want.” This time he wanted more than the present. He wanted a future. “Sex changes everything. It’s what we did last time. I don’t want this to be like last time.”
“This? There isn’t a ‘this,’ Seth. There is no ‘this.’”
“No?” Keeping one hand on the wheel, he used the other to tug her close. He held her there for a moment, eye to eye, mouth to mouth. “Let’s be clear about one thing. I didn’t stop because I was afraid of being hurt again. I stopped because this time around I don’t want sex to be the focus.” He released her quickly and turned his attention back to the boat, careful to stay within the deep-water channel passing west of Cedar Point.
Sag Harbor was crowded, and he needed all his concentration to navigate back to the yacht club.
He wished he hadn’t started a conversation he couldn’t finish.
His timing, as always, was less than perfect.
Or maybe with Fliss there was never going to be a perfect time. And maybe if he waited for that moment, he might miss it altogether and lose.
He’d lost her once. He had no intention of losing her again.
Mindful of wind and tide, he sailed into the yacht club, rigged the lines and fenders for docking and backed into a slip.
Fliss still hadn’t spoken a word.
Lulu, tail wagging, sprang onto the pontoon and waited expectantly.
Still Fliss didn’t move.
“What did you mean—” her voice sounded croaky, as if she was recovering from the flu “—you don’t want sex to be the focus?”
“I still have feelings for you, Fliss. I want to find out what those feelings are.” He hadn’t intended to say it. The yacht club was busy, and not only were they in public but it was too soon, much too soon, to say what he wanted to say. But now the words were out and there was no taking them back.
She opened her mouth and closed it again, so he figured he might as well keep talking.
“The sex was always the good part, but it clouded everything else. It stopped us being close.”
“We were—”
“I don’t mean close in that way. I mean close in other ways. The ways that glue a couple together and hold them there when something tries to pull them apart. An important part of that is talking. Confiding. You never did much of that. On a good day you gave me access to maybe ten percent of what was going on in your head. This time around I’d like the ninety, and you can hang on to the ten.”
He saw her throat move as she swallowed.
“This is crazy. Us getting involved again after everything that happened? Crazy.”
And not being involved was driving him crazy.
“Why is it crazy?”
“Because—” She shook her head. “It’s too late, Seth.”
“Too late for what we had then, but I don’t want what we had then.”
There was a flare of panic in her eyes. “What do you want?”
More. Everything. All of it. “I want to spend time with you, and this time we’re keeping our clothes on.”
“I’m not the person I was ten years ago.”
“Neither am I. I’m older and wiser, for a start.”
She ran her tongue over her lips. “You don’t know me, Seth.”
“I’ve learned more about you in the past week than I found out during all those long hot summers.”
“Half the time I was with you I was pretending to be Harriet.”
“And that told me something. It told me you still hide when you’re scared.” He paused. “And it told me I’m not the only one who still has feelings. You have them, too.”
“Of course I have feelings! I’m annoyed, confused—”
“For me. You have feelings for me.” That silenced her. “If you didn’t you wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to hide.”
” “I felt guilty. I wasn’t even sure you’d want to see me. In a way I was protecting you.”
“And you were also protecting yourself.”
She snatched in a breath. “And why wouldn’t I? We hurt each other, Seth. And maybe some of that was misunderstanding, bad timing—I don’t know—but it was bad.”
In that single moment he caught a glimpse of just how bad.
“So we know not to do that again next time.”
“There is no next time. No present and no future. Only the past.” She snatched up her things, almost tripping over her feet in her haste to get off the boat.
“Fliss—”
“I’m not doing this again. I can’t.”
She all but fled, her sneakers pounding the wooden boards.
Look back, he thought as he watched her run. Look back.
But she didn’t. She kept running, knocking into people in her haste to get away from him.
Lulu looked at him and barked.
“I know. She’s gone, which means I don’t get to ask my next question, which involved sharing a bottle of champagne on the beach and watching the sun go down. The whole thing didn’t go quite as I planned it.”
He hadn’t meant to kiss her, at least not then.
She’d probably go back to hiding behind corners when she saw him coming. Maybe she’d even go back to Manhattan.
With a sigh, he sprang off the boat.
Lulu licked his hand. Sympathetic.
He glanced up one more time and saw Fliss pause at the entrance of the harbor. And then she looked back, a single glance over her shoulder.
His gaze met hers and held.
She stood for a moment, and then turned again with a flip of her gold hair and vanished.
“Or maybe I didn’t mess it up,” Seth murmured.
Maybe this was just the first, necessary step.