FLISS WORKED HER way through the Carlyle mansion, room by room, packing personal items carefully into boxes. Occasionally she broke off from what she was doing to check on Seth, who was clearing a different room.
She knew how hard this was for him and she wanted him to know that she understood.
She’d felt the shift in their relationship. Sharing thoughts and feelings had created an intimacy that hadn’t been there the first time. Everything was deeper and more intense.
“Do you want this?” She held up a vase that she privately thought was ugly and was relieved when Seth shook his head.
“It’s hideous. Put it in the Goodwill box.” He peered at it more closely. “On second thought, I think it might be something Bryony made at school. Put it in the box for my mother to check in case she wants to keep it.”
She thought again about how difficult this must be for him, clearing through his family history, deciding what to keep and what to give away.
But love wasn’t an object. Love was a feeling, and these days she knew all about feelings.
She picked up another book, and a photo slipped out of the pages and fell to the floor.
Bending to retrieve it, she saw that it was a photo of her and Seth on their wedding day.
Her hand shook as she held it. She remembered the baking sun and the sheer craziness of it all. Her smile was so big it was a wonder it even fit in the frame, and Seth was laughing and so damn handsome she remembered people nearby turning to stare at him.
She remembered feeling as if she was walking on air, the reality of their circumstances cushioned by an almost unbearable excitement for the future.
Most of all she remembered feeling hope, and when she’d lost the baby she’d also lost that hope.
She’d never thought she’d get a second chance.
Or maybe the truth was that she hadn’t thought she deserved one.
She stared at the photo and saw the love she’d felt clearly visible in her expression.
She’d loved Seth then and she loved him now. Maybe she’d never stopped loving him. She didn’t know, and it no longer seemed to matter.
Emotion rippled through her. She didn’t entirely recognize it. Excitement? Terror?
“Fliss?”
She hadn’t even realized he was standing in the doorway. “Seth—”
“Are you all right?” He glanced at the photo in her hand and smiled. “Where did you find that?”
“Inside one of your father’s books.” She wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. She hadn’t got used to the way she was feeling.
“That explains why I couldn’t find it all those years ago when I was looking. Don’t lose that. I love that photo.”
“I love it, too.” Her mouth was so dry she could hardly speak. She would have liked a bit more time to work out the best way to say what she needed to say, but maybe it was best like this. “Seth, there’s something I need to—” She broke off as Seth’s phone rang. She wasn’t sure whether she felt frustration or relief. “You should get that.”
He answered it, and she saw his expression change as he listened. “I’ll be there right away.” He ended the call. “The Christies’ dog was kicked by a deer.”
Fliss winced. “Deer hooves are sharp. Go.”
He reached for his keys. “What was it you wanted to say?”
“It can wait.” And waiting would mean she had more time to think it through. “I hope the Christies’ dog is all right. I’ll be here when you’re done.”
It gave her time to plan. To make it romantic.
She didn’t want to blurt out those words while surrounded by dusty books and reminders of his father.
She’d tell him that later when it was just the two of them. She’d buy a bottle of champagne and put it in the fridge.
They could take it down to the beach.
As the door closed behind him, she turned her attention back to the books, stacking them carefully in boxes and labeling them.
Her heart felt lighter than it had in a while.
She was in love. And this time she wasn’t afraid to tell him.
In fact she couldn’t wait to tell him.
She straightened, rubbed her aching back and walked down to the kitchen for a glass of water.
She drank a glass straight down without pausing and still had the empty glass in her hand when the phone rang.
It was the landline.
She frowned. Should she answer it?
Yes. It might be important. It might be someone trying to get hold of Seth.
She picked it up and heard a woman say, “Hello?”
She recognized the voice instantly, and part of her was tempted to hang up. Another part of her knew this was an encounter she had to handle at some point.
“Hi, Vanessa,” she croaked. “It’s Fliss.”
There was a pause. “Fliss. It’s been a while.”
“I’m helping Seth pack up some of the things in the house. He’s not here. He’s performing surgery on a dog that was kicked by a deer.”
“Oh—well, I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while.”
Fliss sat down hard on the nearest kitchen chair. “You have?”
This was going to be bad.
Really bad.
“I owe you an apology.”
“Excuse me?” Fliss assumed she’d misheard. “I didn’t catch that.”
“Apology. Last time—that phone call I made. All of it.” Vanessa’s voice sounded strange, slightly thickened. “I wasn’t—friendly.”
That, Fliss thought, was an understatement. “You didn’t like me.”
“That’s not true. Seth is my brother. It’s true that sometimes we fight and annoy the hell out of each other, but I care about him. I love him. And after you walked away from him last time—”
Fliss’s mouth was so dry she could hardly form the word. “What?”
“I was worried about him, that’s all. It took him a long time to get over you, Fliss. He was not in a good way. You hurt him.”
Fliss felt an ache behind her ribs. “I didn’t mean to.”
“I believe you, but he was hurt. I think the fact that he couldn’t talk it through with you drove him crazy. He didn’t know how to handle it, so he threw himself into work. You’re probably the reason he graduated top of his class. It was two years before he even went on another date.”
Fliss felt a stab of shock. “Two years?”
“Yes. And then he moved to California. As far away from everything and everyone he knew. He said it was a fresh start, but I think he just couldn’t bear to spend time in the places you’d been together.”
Fliss stared ahead of her.
He hadn’t dated anyone for two years?
He’d moved to California because of her?
She’d had no idea she was the reason. He hadn’t told her that.
He’d told her that he was hurt, too, but he hadn’t mentioned the extent of it and she hadn’t ever given much thought to the detail. Because she’d been so sure he was marrying her only because of the baby, she’d assumed that it wouldn’t take him long to get over her.
“Are you sure?” Her voice sounded croaky. “He didn’t date for two years?”
“It might have even been longer. Bryony and I wheeled every single female we knew past his nose, but he wasn’t interested. To begin with I think he simply didn’t notice them because his head was still full of you, and then I think he was wary of getting involved again.”
Fliss felt as if she’d been plunged into ice water.
He’d stopped going out. He’d moved to the other side of the country because of her.
She’d broken his heart.
“But then he met Naomi. So he was fine in the end.”
“Not really. They got along just fine and she was crazy about him. I assumed he was still wary about handing over his heart after what happened with you. It did seem as if it might happen. I thought they might have a chance, but then Dad died and everything fell apart.”
“He and Seth were close.”
“I know, and it was after that Seth changed. He broke it off with Naomi and moved back east. He took that temporary post in Manhattan so that he could see you.”
“Not just for that reason.”
“Yes, for that reason. Think about it, Fliss. Seth is not a city person. He did it so he could see you again, and he wanted to see you because he has never stopped thinking about you. I think, after my father died, he needed to reach out and find out if there was anything between you still. The fact that you’re in the house now tells me there is. And that scares the hell out of me. Not because I don’t like you. Honestly? I admire you a lot and I’m sure that in different circumstances we’d be friends, but I’m worried.” She paused. “I know you grew up with trouble at home.”
Fliss tensed. “Vanessa—”
“No, please let me finish. I can’t find an easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it and hope you’ll forgive me for being direct. I know you don’t talk to people easily. I understand that, I really do. But Seth is the type of person who needs that. He is the most straightforward guy I know. He doesn’t play games. Last time he had no idea how you were feeling, and it drove him insane. He was so hurt that you wouldn’t talk to him. And I’m worried that it might be all great now, but that if there’s a problem in the future and you walk away, I don’t know how he would get through that a second time. I don’t want to watch him go through that again.”
Fliss swallowed.
Seth was putting all his faith in her, and she wasn’t good at this, was she?
They’d messed up before. What was to stop them messing up again?
What if she couldn’t be what he wanted her to be?
What if, when things got tough, she couldn’t open up enough for him?
What if she hurt him?
Doubt eroded the certainty that had been there only moments before.
“Fliss? Are you still there?”
“I’m here.”
Ninety/ten. Fliss stared straight ahead. She’d been doing okay, hadn’t she?
But she hadn’t really thought about the stakes. About what would happen if this went wrong.
“You’re probably wondering why this is any of my business, but he’s my brother. I’ve seen you defend Harriet, so I think, hope, that maybe you understand why I would do the same for Seth.”
“I do understand.”
If anyone hurt Harriet the way it seemed she’d hurt Seth, she’d break them in half.
“Are you angry with me?”
Fliss stirred and stood up. “No. You love him. You’re protecting him. And you’re right, I’d do the same in your position.”
“All I ever wanted was to see him happy. Seth is like my dad. He wants a home and family. He wants to settle down with someone he loves. For him, that’s you. If you don’t feel the same way, if you can’t give him what he needs, then you need to tell him. And you need to tell him soon.”
Fliss hung up the phone and wandered like a sleepwalker back to the library. The thought that she’d hurt him so badly once before left her feeling as if she’d been flayed raw.
The happiness she’d felt had gone. All that was left was a kind of sick panic. Doubt slid into every corner of her mind. That inner voice that she’d worked so hard to silence was suddenly shouting so loudly she could hear nothing else.
What if she couldn’t be what he needed her to be?
She sank to the floor among the jumble of boxes that were part of Seth’s past. He was clearing it out, getting ready to step into the future.
He wanted her to be part of that future.
* * *
SETH WALKED BACK into the house and dropped his car keys on the counter.
“Fliss?”
There was no answer. Had she left? After ten backbreaking hours of clearing out and hauling boxes, he wouldn’t have blamed her.
Hearing a noise from the library, he followed the sound, and saw Fliss stacking books. Something about the stiff set of her shoulders didn’t seem quite right to him.
“Fliss?”
She paused for a moment and then turned. There was a smudge on her cheek and she looked exhausted.
“Hi. How was the surgery? Is the dog okay?”
“The dog is fine. You, on the other hand, don’t look fine. You need to stop now. You’re tired.” But something told him the look on her face had little to do with packing boxes.
She closed the box she was filling and wiped her palms on her shorts. “You’re right. I should probably go. I need a shower.”
“While you’re doing that, I’ll make you dinner.”
“Not tonight. I was thinking of going back to my grandmother’s.”
She’d been fine when he’d left. Smiling, laughing, distracting him as she’d dived elbow deep into boxes of books.
Was this because she was tired, or had something happened?
He picked up the boxes she’d packed and piled them in the hallway.
“What’s wrong?” He stacked one box on top of another in the hallway, sifting through the possibilities in his mind. It couldn’t possibly be anything to do with him. “Is Harriet okay?”
“She’s fine.” She hauled another box out of the library, not looking at him.
“Fliss—”
“Actually she’s not okay.” She straightened and turned to face him. “She needs me. I’m going back to Manhattan tomorrow.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She isn’t coping. It was unfair of me to think she’d be able to manage the business without me there.”
It took a moment for his brain to compute what she was saying. “Wait. You’re talking about going back permanently?”
“That’s right.”
He was stunned. Whatever he’d expected, it hadn’t been that. “But yesterday you were saying how much you loved it. How you could live here.”
“Blame it on sun and sangria.”
“We weren’t drinking sangria.”
“It was a figure of speech.” She pushed her hair away from her face, leaving another dusty streak on her skin. “I hadn’t thought it through.”
She was leaving?
He was still trying to work out what she wasn’t telling him when she brushed past him, her keys in her hand.
“Wait.” He followed her and put his palm against the door to stop her leaving. “What aren’t you telling me? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re doing it again. Shutting me out. You’re imagining yourself as the castle and you’re pulling up the drawbridge, but you don’t have to do that with me. You never have to do that with me. I’m not a threat to you.” Unless… And suddenly he knew what was going on and he wondered how it had taken him so long to see it when he knew her so well. “You’re afraid.”
“Why would I be afraid? There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“Isn’t there?” He stepped closer. “How about the fact that you love me? That’s a pretty scary reason right there.”
Her eyes flew wide. “I never said—”
“No, you never said.” And he’d waited, and waited, to hear those words. Waited for her to open up and share her feelings with him, and tried not to mind when she hadn’t. “The fact that you haven’t found the courage to say the words doesn’t mean you’re not feeling them. You love me. At some point over the past few weeks you’ve realized that, and now you’re afraid and looking for a way of protecting yourself. That’s why you’re rushing back to Manhattan.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” It seemed pretty clear to him. “I’ve been waiting to hear you tell me how you feel about me, but you haven’t. And if you’d talked about that, told me how scared you were, we could have dealt with it. But you’re not sharing anything with me. I love you. I really love you, but if you won’t share your feelings, if you constantly throw a smoke screen over what’s going on inside, like you are now, we’re not going to make it. We’re never going to make it, Fliss.”
He waited for her to say something, to tell him how she felt, but she said nothing and in the end her silence was more painful than words would have been.
He thought about the last few weeks, the summer they’d spent. She’d started talking. Opening up. He knew he was in love with her and he’d been sure she was in love with him. But now, when her back was literally against the wall, she’d reverted to her default setting of keeping everything to herself.
So sure, he tried one more time to reach her. “I know you’re scared—”
“I’m not scared.”
Exasperation gave way to bone weariness. What more did he have to do to prove to her she could trust him? What else was there for him to do? Nothing. The rest had to be up to her. And she couldn’t do it. It seemed he’d been wrong about that. “So that’s it, then.”
There was an agonizing pause. “I guess so.”
He wanted to argue. He wanted to hold her there until she told him the truth, but he knew in his heart, his aching, fractured heart, that if she wouldn’t trust him with her feelings, her fears and her heart, then they had nothing.
“Be careful driving. The roads are busy.”
“I will.” There was another painful pause. “We had a fun summer.”
A fun summer?
He hadn’t intended to say anything else, but he couldn’t help it. “We both know it was more than a fun summer, but you’ll pretend it didn’t mean anything, because that’s the way you choose to handle difficult things.” Frustration pricked holes in his patience. “You won’t share the fact that you’re hurting deep inside, and I know you are hurting. This relationship isn’t over because I don’t love you, or because you don’t love me. It’s over because you won’t share your fears with me. You won’t let yourself be vulnerable. And no matter how much we love each other, if you won’t talk to me then this is not going to work. And I can’t put myself through this again. I won’t.” He moved his hand from the door and opened it for her, the ache in his chest almost too much to bear. “Goodbye, Fliss.”