GABE WAS WEARING A black button up and light blue jeans. He quickly ran his fingers through his hair, trying to make sure it was where it should be, or at least close. He patted his jeans and looked to Victoria, letting out a rushed breath and feigning a smile.

Victoria started up the walkway to his childhood home while Gabe followed closely behind her. Her leggings tightly hugged her ass, and even with his nerves completely fucking rattled, Gabe couldn’t help but take in the perfection of her curves. She had on a loose gray sweatshirt that fell over her left shoulder, and since she had brushed all of her hair to the right, it left the skin of her collar exposed.

Gabe looked towards the white house, staring at the deep brown door. As much as he’d like to fantasize about Victoria, he needed to be present right now. He hadn’t seen his parents in years, and they were probably all better off for it.

What the fuck was he doing here?

He took a deep breath as the door opened and he saw his parents step out, hugging Victoria before spotting him and staring with wide eyes.

“Gabe?” His mother spoke first.

“Hey, ma,” Gabe smiled weakly.

Before he knew it, she pulled him into an embrace. His father greeted him with a nod, and they invited him and Victoria into the house. Seating everyone in the living room, Gabe sat in an armchair next to Victoria, and his parents sat directly across the coffee table from them on the loveseat. His mother set down coffee for them all. She made it the way Gabe liked it. All these years and she still remembered. Hell, she was his mother… of course she’d remember that.

“How have you guys been? It’s been so long!” Victoria opened the conversation, placing her coffee in her lap while still holding tightly to the cup.

As his parents began asking her about school and New York and her new private practice, Gabe stared at her. There was something about Victoria that was just… cute. She was sweet and gentle, and no matter how tough she tried to play it, Gabe knew she was still the same dreamer she’d always been. Hope poured out of her every word and gesture. It was ingrained into who she was as a person.

The admiration Gabe had for her was incredible. He’d felt more for this girl than he’d ever felt. She inspired him. She made him think things could be better somehow. Maybe he could have the life he’d never wanted and always needed. A house, children, a beautiful wife… he’d bend over backwards to be a good husband to an angel like Vic. Fuck, he wanted that. Was it too late for him?

“Gabe, honey, it’s been so long. What in the world have you been up to all this time?” Gabe’s mom asked.

Gabe shifted in his seat.

“I’m working as an EMT, now. I’ve been trying to do some good, give back where I can.” Gabe felt the awkwardness in the air. It was heavy. Why the fuck did he stay away for so long?

“Oh honey, that’s wonderful. How did you two reconnect?”

“I ran into him at the cemetery. We were both visiting Amy,” Victoria said.

Gabe’s mother gave the saddest of smiles, and it broke his heart. He wanted to take her into his arms, apologize for all the wrong he’d done, apologize for Amy.

Gabe’s dad laughed.

“Funny. You can show up to her grave now, but where were you when we buried her?” Anger was oozing from his every word. “Huh, Gabriel? Where were you when we buried your baby sister?” Silence. “Oh, that’s right, you were out partying with your buddies.”

“I wasn’t partying…” Gabe wanted to run the fuck out of here. Why did he agree to this?

“Oh, really? Because we got a call from the hospital later that night and they were pumping your damn stomach. We almost had to bury two children.”

Gabe glanced at Victoria out of the corner of his eye, and she looked shocked, disgusted. Of course she was disgusted by him. Who wouldn’t be? He was disgusted with himself.

“Must’ve been a fun party, huh Gabe?”

“Bill, enough,” Gabe’s mother butted in.

“Fun, fun, fun. That’s all you ever cared about, eh? More than your baby sister, that’s for sure.”

“Bill!”

“I loved Amy. You know how much I loved Amy.” He did. Gabe loved her more than anything.

“Yeah, I’m sure your love for your sister is why you decided a party was more important than her funeral!”

“I wasn’t at a party!” Gabe responded. “I was home. In my room. Grieving just like you were.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure. Making love to that bottle must’ve been so damn hard on you.”

“I was trying to drown in it!” Gabe shouted. He lowered his voice, but the words poured from him without his permission. “I knew that it was my fault and I wanted to drown in the thing that killed my sister. I wanted to die. I almost did, too! Not because I was partying, not because I was having fun and overdid it. No. I almost died because I wanted to fucking die. I skipped Amy’s funeral because I couldn’t fucking stand to see my little sister get lowered into the ground. I couldn’t say goodbye so I thought I’d give her justice instead. I skipped her funeral so I could kill myself.”

Silence. Not a peep from anyone. Gabe’s mother looked horrified, torn between crying and pulling Gabe into an embrace and yelling at the world. His father was stunned into silence, a feat he’d never thought possible. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Victoria. He didn’t want to see the pity on her face, or the judgement, or whatever else was written there. He should’ve known he didn’t have a chance at that future, especially not with a girl like Vic. She deserved so much better than him.

“I shouldn’t’ve drank as much as I did throughout the day. The alcohol poisoning hit me before the pills even got into my system. They must’ve come out when the doctors pumped my stomach.” Might as well get it all out in the open. “I was never meant to make it to the hospital. I didn’t intend to come out of that one. My very last drink? Bourbon. It was a good last drink.”

The silence stretched longer. He continued. “When I woke up and saw you in the hospital, I knew I fucked up. We fought. You left. I met Jason, the EMT who saved my life. When I was walking out, he was bringing in an accident victim. The girl had nearly bled out, but Jason stopped the bleeding a saved her life. Poetic, eh? So I decided right there: I’d give up the drinking, I’d give up the partying, I’d give up the money, I’d give it all up and I’d do good. For Amy.”

“But it would never be good enough. I will never be good enough and not a single fucking thing I do will ever make up for all of the people I’ve hurt and all of the fucked up shit that I’ve done. It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless.”

Gabe stood from his chair and stormed out, walking right through the front door and towards the sidewalk.

“Gabe!” Victoria. “Gabe, wait!”

“What?” he snapped, turning to her as she stopped in her tracks and stared up at him.

“Gabe, I’m so sorry. I had no idea that…”

“That what? That I’m fucked? That I shouldn’t fucking be here?”

“No. Gabe, no! Listen to me, this was not your fault.”

Gabe laughed. Victoria kept pleading. “Gabe, I’m serious. You know that I’m right.”

“Do I? Because I don’t think I do. You know what I do know? That I’m too damaged. I’m too fucked up. Come on, don’t you see it, baby? I’m a lost fucking cause.”

Victoria shook her head. “No, Gabe. No, that’s not true. You’re not-“

He cut her off. “Enough with the bullshit, Vic. I don’t think you’re understanding the situation.”

“You’re right. I’m not.” She sounded almost angry.

“It’s done, Vic. Just walk away.” Gabe turned and started down the sidewalk, walking towards home.

“Hey! Wait! We had a deal!” she called after him.

“A deal?” Gabe didn’t have the time right now.

“A date. Remember? We made a deal.” Her eyes were pleading. She was beautiful in every way, everything he could’ve ever wanted.

But Gabe knew that he didn’t deserve her. He never had, and he never would. He was a fool for trying.

“Fuck the deal.”

“Gabe! We shook hands.”

He almost laughed. He stopped himself. Instead, Gabe just continued to walk away. 

He thought he heard a sob, but it had to be his mind playing tricks on him. Victoria said it herself, it was just sex. He’d been the one who tried to make more of it. But he realized how stupid that was, now. A girl like Victoria deserved far better than him. She always had. He’d even known that when half-conscious and drunk out of his mind.

He was a fool for thinking he could have a happily ever after.

He didn’t deserve an angel like Victoria.

He didn’t deserve anything close.