Chapter Seventeen
Cait’s phone rang at the usual time, which was shortly before she would leave for work. Unless he was busy, Gavin always called her in the mornings. To keep her company while she drank her coffee, he said.
“Good morning,” he said when she answered. “It was probably too late to call when I had a chance last night, but how was your shift yesterday?”
“Busy. Pretty much nonstop.”
“At least you don’t have to shovel snow.”
She didn’t have to shovel, but a weird March snowstorm had definitely kept EMS on their toes. It had been a heavy snow, due to the warmer temperatures, so they’d been chasing back injuries and cardiac calls all day. “It seems stupid to shovel. It’s going to melt, anyway.”
He snorted. “I can’t even count how many hydrants we shoveled out yesterday. It was somewhere in the area of not-sure-I-can-lift-my-arms-this-morning, so I’m just hoping I can climb into my truck.”
“Poor guy. Do you want me to make you breakfast?”
“You’re not working?”
“No, we switched things up to accommodate a few sick days across the shifts, so I’m off today.”
“I was going to soak in the tub, too.”
She didn’t blame him. Soaking in that tub was heaven, and the only thing missing when she did it was Gavin. “Is that a refusal or an invitation?”
“Oh, it’s an invitation. Or more like a desperate plea worded badly.”
“I’ll be there in a little bit, then.”
“My day’s looking better already.”
She was smiling when she hung up. It had been a week since the fire, and Gavin was mostly himself again. She still caught glimpses every once in a while of his sadness and guilt, but she probably would for a while. At least he was laughing again and he’d sounded okay before his shift started yesterday. Going in Tuesday had been tough, and she’d had to resist the urge to call him periodically throughout the day.
But he was enjoying life again, and that’s all that mattered to her.
I love you, Cait.
She was very sure Gavin didn’t remember saying those words, or that he’d said them in his sleep. And he didn’t remember her whispering “I love you, too” back to him.
But Cait remembered, and everything had changed. Now when Gavin looked at her, she knew he loved her and she knew she loved him. There were no hypotheticals anymore. Unless it all went horribly wrong somehow, he was going to be the man she shared her life with.
But first they had to do the I love you thing while fully awake and lucid.
And two hours later, when they were naked and up to their shoulders in hot water and scented bubbles—because she liked them and he assured her he was man enough to handle smelling like fruit—she had to admit it was a very nice life. No matter how much time they spent together, even fully clothed, she never got tired of him.
“I love your tub,” she said. “I think it’s ruined regular bathtubs for me forever. I just settle for showers at home now.”
Gavin blew at the bubbles over her shoulder, which never failed to make her laugh. He always tried to blow the bubbles away from her breasts so he could see her nipples, even though it never worked.
“You know,” he said, and then paused to kiss the side of her neck. “This could be your bathtub, too.”
She didn’t catch his meaning for a few seconds, but when the words sank in, she stilled. Or maybe she wasn’t catching his meaning. He couldn’t be asking her to move in with him already. It was too soon.
Sure, she spent as much time with him as she could. And she’d spent the night a few times. Rushing to get home in time to get ready for work was tough on the rare nights she fell asleep in his bed on a work night, and she’d been thinking about the possibility of leaving a few things at his place. Not a lot. Some toiletries, underwear and a uniform, probably.
But moving in with him? That was a big step.
“It makes me nervous when you don’t talk,” he said, and he tried to be teasing, but she could hear the nerves.
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around what you’re talking about.”
“I’m talking about you moving in with me.”
“It’s a big step.” She wished they weren’t having this conversation in the tub, with his naked body cradling hers and his breath tickling the wisps of hair that had escaped from the messy knot on top of her head.
She wanted to see his face. And she wanted to be able to move and think clearly. Her current state of languid relaxation wasn’t ideal for making a huge life decision.
“I know it’s a big step,” he agreed. “But I like waking up with you. I like sharing my day and making meals together and I want to come home to you instead of calling you. Not that I don’t like talking to you on the phone, but I like talking to you like this a whole lot better.”
She did, too, but there was so much to consider. And not only her mom and Carter, though Gavin would probably assume they were first and foremost in her thoughts.
Living together changed a relationship, and she liked what they had right now. Maybe it was selfish, but she liked her time with Gavin being free of things like bills and arguing over big purchases and a million tiny aggravations that added up. Other than a stroll through the mall on a rainy day, they hadn’t even shopped together.
You didn’t just move in with somebody you hadn’t even gone grocery shopping with.
She knew they’d have to navigate those changes as their relationship progressed and it would be a part of making a future together. She just wasn’t sure she was ready to make those changes yet.
“I like this, too,” she finally said. “But I don’t want to rush into that kind of decision and mess things up between us. Do I get to think about it?”
“Of course you do.” He chuckled, his breath warm against her chin. “There’s no pressure. I just wanted to throw it out there.”
She knew him too well to believe it was just a random idea he was tossing out on a whim. But she appreciated that he was willing to give her the space she needed to consider it. And that he didn’t question whether or not her need to think about it was because of her mom, even though he probably suspected it.
His hand skimmed over her arm before sliding over to cup her breast. “How about we get out of the tub and, after we dry off, I’ll take you out to lunch. I’ll dry your back and you can dry mine.”
“I don’t know. Are you sure you have the strength to thoroughly dry me off after shoveling all that snow?”
He growled and nipped at her shoulder. “Oh, I’ll be thorough. Don’t you worry about that.”
* * *
Gavin stood on the doorstep of Diane’s house, waiting for somebody to answer the door. Maybe he should have felt at home enough to simply knock and then walk in, but he didn’t feel comfortable doing that yet.
When her brother opened the door, he grinned. “Hey, Gavin.”
“Hey, Carter. Long time, no see.”
They’d been together that morning, playing some basketball. The kid wasn’t a regular, by any means, but sometimes he managed to drag his nocturnal teenage self out of bed in time to shoot some hoops.
“Come on in. Mom and Cait are in the kitchen arguing about something.”
“Maybe I should wait outside,” Gavin said, only half-joking.
But Carter gestured for him to get in the house, so he did. He couldn’t hear any yelling or crying, so hopefully their disagreement wasn’t too bad. He’d grown up with a sister, so he knew mother-daughter fights could be really unpleasant to witness.
But then Cait was walking toward him, smiling, and he figured no tears was a good sign. “Hi, gorgeous.”
She kissed him hello, but it was a quick peck on the lips in deference to her younger brother being in the room. Gavin felt the quick rush of pleasure he always felt when he first saw Cait after being away from her, even for only a day.
He wondered if that would ever stop happening, and really hoped it wouldn’t.
“Everything okay?” he asked, and he tipped his head toward Carter when she looked confused. “I heard there was an argument in progress.”
“Oh, that. It wasn’t really an argument. I forgot to tell her you don’t like onions because it never really came up in conversation, and now her life is ruined.”
He chuckled. “I’m not a fan of onions, but it won’t kill me to eat them. Or I can pick them out and hide them in my napkin when she’s not looking.”
“She made a New England boiled dinner, and even though I told her she didn’t have to, she just finished picking and straining every last bit of onion out and putting it in a separate dish.” She laughed at his expression. “Don’t worry about it. She likes you.”
That was good news, so he shrugged off his worry about Diane being upset. “Did your brother tell you I kicked his ass on the basketball court this morning?”
Carter snorted. “As if. I ran you so ragged on that court, you probably couldn’t lift your foot high enough to reach my ass even if you could catch me.”
“Kid, I’m faster than you while wearing gear that’s half your weight.”
The friendly trash talk came to end when Diane walked out of the kitchen. “I thought I heard your voice, Gavin. I’m glad you could make it.”
“Thank you for inviting me. It smells delicious.” He pulled a candy bar from the pocket of his coat and held it out to her. “Cait told me these are your favorite.”
“They are and thank you. That’s so sweet.” Then she gave him what Gavin thought of as the affectionate-but-slightly-admonishing mom look. “You don’t have to bring a gift every time you visit, you know.”
He did if he didn’t want his dad kicking his ass and, unlike Carter, his old man could actually do it since Gavin couldn’t fight back. “It’s the least I can do when you’re letting me share meals as good as yours with you.”
Diane blushed and waved a hand at him before going back to the kitchen. “Carter, pour the drinks, please.”
Carter rolled his eyes, but disappeared after his mother. Gavin turned to Cait, who was watching him with a bemused look on her face. He grinned and after shaking her head, she did, too.
“I think charming mothers is your superpower,” she said quietly.
“Just one of them.” He raised his eyebrows at her. “I have a few.”
He caught her hand and tugged her forward for another kiss. Since he’d been waiting all day for it, he let his mouth linger on hers, but not for too long. If it was time for Carter to put drinks on the table, one of them would pop out of the kitchen any second to tell them it was time to eat.
“It sounds like you and Carter had a good time this morning,” she said, taking his coat to the closet near the front door to hang it up.
“He fits in well with the other guys. I like having him there.”
“And he likes being there.” She smiled. “It’s good for him, too. He’s always in a good mood when he gets home.”
Gavin nodded, even though he didn’t want to talk about Carter. Or onions or anything but the question burning in his mind.
It had been a week since the day he’d brought up the subject of moving in together and, other than catching Cait looking at him thoughtfully sometimes, it felt to Gavin as if the conversation had never happened.
Not that he’d expected an instant answer, especially since he’d brought it up while they were naked in his tub, but he’d thought they’d talk about it a little. It wasn’t just a matter of them both being on the same page as far as their relationship went. If she was considering it, there would be details to work out. Financial discussions. Closet space. Which brand of toothpaste they’d finally compromise on because having two separate tubes sitting side by side on the vanity was dumb.
The fact she’d said nothing at all made him wonder if she was as invested in making a future together as he was. And rather than rock the boat, he was keeping his mouth shut. Until she was ready to be his full-time, having her part-time was better than not having her in his life at all.
But as they sat down for dinner, Gavin felt restless and the vibe was slightly off. He wasn’t sure what, if anything, had happened while they finished putting supper on the table, but Diane and Carter were going out of their way to avoid speaking to each other all of a sudden. And it wasn’t his imagination because Cait’s gaze kept bouncing back and forth between the two.
And Gavin was a little put out by how much like “company” he still felt. He knew it had nothing to do with the hospitality and everything to do with his frustration at not knowing where he stood with Cait, but he couldn’t help it.
They made it almost all the way through dinner before things started going sideways. Carter’s mood had been going downhill and the more sullen he got, the more upset Diane got. Her cheerful tone was obviously forced and Cait was doing a lot more moving food around with her fork than eating.
“The carrots are mushy,” Carter mumbled, and Diane set her glass down with such a thump they all jumped.
“Feel free to leave them on the plate, then,” she said. “Don’t be rude in front of guests.”
So much for almost being part of the family, Gavin thought, taking another bite of his dinner. The carrots were softer than his mom usually made them, but they were far from mushy. And her seasoning was perfect, though he recognized now wasn’t the time to tell her so if he ever wanted Carter to speak to him again. He kept his mouth shut and chewed.
“Whatever,” Carter mumbled and, judging by the way his body jerked, one of the women kicked him under the table. He’d bet on it being Cait.
“They’re planning the company picnic for next month,” Diane said when the next few minutes drew out in uncomfortable silence. “I told them you’d both be there.”
“Great.” How Carter packed so much unpleasant tone into one word was beyond Gavin, but he had a knack for it.
Luckily, it looked as if everybody had eaten all they had appetites for and Gavin could start counting the minutes until he and Cait could get out of there.
Diane ignored Carter and smiled at her daughter. “Unless you have a date planned with Gavin for that weekend, of course.”
It was the word date that finally did it. To his mind, it implied a casual relationship and it felt as if Diane was trying to maintain a distance or disconnect between him and Cait. He was tired of it.
And before Cait could say anything, he opened his mouth. “Hopefully she doesn’t have a date planned with anybody else, since I asked Cait to move in with me.”
He’d intended for the words to sound light, almost joking, but they didn’t come out of his mouth that way, and he knew when he heard Cait’s sharp intake of breath that he’d made a critical mistake.
“You’re moving out?” Carter asked his sister, his fork frozen halfway between his plate and his mouth.
“I...I had no idea,” Diane said, and her expression when she looked at her daughter didn’t bode well for the rest of the night.
“We’re just talking about it, Mom.”
That wasn’t really true, Gavin thought. He’d been talking about it. Cait had been silent on the issue since he brought it up, and she was carefully avoiding looking at him right now.
“I didn’t realize it was that serious,” Diane said in a trembling voice. Tears shimmered in her eyes and Gavin felt a strong pang of regret and guilt. “I... That’s wonderful.”
“Mom, I think—”
“We’ll be fine, of course,” Diane continued. Her words were rushed, and Gavin got the impression she was talking more to herself than to Cait. “And Carter’s doing so much better in school and everything. He’ll be okay, too, I think.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Carter said, his voice twisted with sarcasm again. “It’s good to know you have faith in me.”
“Maybe you should give me a reason to,” she snapped, and he heard Cait’s long sigh.
“It’s not like you give me a chance to do anything. You have Cait to do everything for you, so what the hell do you need me for, anyway?”
“Watch your language. And at least your sister doesn’t make my life any harder than it already is.”
“Whatever.” He stood so abruptly his chair fell over backward. After picking it up and slamming it onto its legs, he took his plate into the kitchen and they all winced at the sound of it clattering in the sink.
Diane burst into tears.
Cait tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds and then stood, while Gavin just sat there and tried to figure out how the hell to make everything better.
After Diane stood and walked quickly to the kitchen while trying to hide her face from him, Gavin stood. “I’m sorry, Cait. I should go.”
She said nothing, her lips pinched together, as she walked to the front door with him and retrieved his coat from the closet.
“I can’t believe you did that,” she said finally, anger practically radiating from her body.
“She was talking about not knowing if you have a date planned with me. We’re well beyond just dating, Cait, and she needs to know that and accept it.”
“She just meant that she didn’t know if we had made plans together for that day. Calling it a date was an easy word to sum it up, and she didn’t mean anything by it.”
“You hadn’t talked to her about it at all.” He didn’t bother making it a question since he already knew the answer.
“About what?”
“About the fact I asked you to move in with me. It’s kind of a big deal. Or at least I thought it was.” He ran a hand over his hair, trying to calm down. “You’ve been downplaying our relationship to her, haven’t you? So she wouldn’t think you’re pulling away from her.”
“I haven’t downplayed anything. I just don’t talk about my private life a lot. And you should have respected that instead of going around me to my mother, as if I’d give in because we were in front of other people.”
“Give in? Jesus, Cait. I was asking you to share my life with me, not be my hostage.”
“You know what I mean.”
He didn’t, actually, but he heard a door slam and was reminded they weren’t alone. “Look, why don’t we go to my place so we can sit down and talk about this privately?”
“I’m not going anywhere with you, Gavin. I have to stay here and deal with the fallout from you making them believe I’m moving out.”
“You’ve gotta be joking.” Even though he knew he’d spoken out of turn, he couldn’t keep the anger at bay. “We need to talk about this, Cait, and we can’t do it standing in front of your door.”
“You saw what’s happening in there and, trust me, it only gets worse from here.”
“What I saw was a mom and her teenage son being a typical mom and teenager and you trying to mediate instead of letting them hash it out.”
“You know how my mom is—”
“I don’t think it’s your mom. It’s you, Cait.”
He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, even though he didn’t think he was wrong. Her face paled and her eyes widened with hurt before narrowing in anger.
“Who the hell are you to judge my family?”
“Just the guy trying to be part of your life.” Since he’d started it, he might as well get it out there. “Your mom didn’t just scare Carter when your stepfather died. She scared you, too, and you’re not moving past that fear. You can’t go forward with your own life until you get past it.”
She stared at him for what seemed like an eternity, her face pale and her lips tight, and then lifted her chin. “I guess if you don’t think I’m moving forward, there’s not much sense in you hanging around then, is there?”
“Cait, don’t—”
“It’s time for you to leave.” She tossed him his coat and nodded her head toward the door. “Don’t make it any worse. Just...just go.”
A minute later, he was sitting in his truck, staring at the door she’d practically slammed behind him and unable to bring himself to move. Maybe it would open and she’d run down the steps. He could tell her he was sorry. That he was an asshole and he never should have said anything to Diane about asking her to move in with him.
But he didn’t know what to say about the words he’d flung at Cait. He knew they’d hurt her, but he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to take them back. No matter what happened now, he still meant them. Cait couldn’t look forward to a future with him while living in the past.
With a hand that was shaking a little, he put the truck in gear and backed out of the driveway.
* * *
It was an argument. They happened all the time. Even the happiest of couples fought sometimes, and then they worked through their disagreements and moved on.
Cait stared at her ceiling, ignoring the light shining through the window and the sounds of moving around elsewhere in the house.
It was just a fight, she told herself again, wondering how many times she’d have to think it before she actually believed it.
It hadn’t felt like the argument of a happy couple. It had felt more like a breakup.
She rolled onto her stomach, burying her face in her pillow, as somebody—presumably her mother—tapped on her door. She didn’t want to talk to anybody right now.
But the slight squeak of old hinges told her whoever it was didn’t care if she wanted company or not. “Honey, are you awake?”
“I have a headache, Mom. I just want to be left alone.”
But, of course, the bed dipped as her mom sat on the edge of it. A second later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. “You need to eat something.”
She’d just throw it up, if she could even get it past the lump in her throat to begin with. “I’m not hungry.”
“I’m sorry, Cait. I really am. I didn’t mean to ruin dinner.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. He blindsided you, talking about me moving in with him, but we’ve only talked about it once.”
“And I should have been happy for you. Instead, your brother and I got upset and ruined everything.”
Cait really didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now. Not in an hour. Maybe never. It was like a never-ending loop she wanted to stop. She rolled onto her side and looked at her mom.
“If he can’t deal with a family who’s not 1950s TV perfect, that’s his problem. We’re doing okay.”
“You should go talk to him, honey.”
“There’s not much to say.”
“Of course there is. Every couple fights and you know that. Duke and I were very happy together, but we still fought sometimes.”
“I know.” She’d spent the night telling herself that. “But this one’s been simmering between us for a while and maybe we didn’t have a strong enough foundation yet.”
“This is how you build a strong foundation. You find the cracks and you work together to fix them.”
Cait didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t see a way to fix their cracks. Gavin wanted her to be sure moving in with him was the right thing to do and she wasn’t. She wanted to be, but look what had happened when he brought it up.
Every time her mother got upset like that, Cait remembered the fear in Carter’s voice the night he’d called her. She relived trying to get her mother—limp and sobbing—up and out of the bathroom because she was afraid she might actually take her own life. She’d put her in bed and then climbed in beside her, afraid to let her out of her sight.
Cait knew they’d come a long way together, but she still remembered that fear and utter helplessness when the tears started. She knew how bad it could be. Gavin didn’t.
Her mom would take that on herself, though, and beat herself up some more, so she just smiled. “Maybe. We’ll see how it goes.”
“No, you don’t wait and see how it goes. If you want to keep Gavin in your life, he has to know that. And it goes both ways. The only way a relationship survives the ups and downs is if both of you want it enough to fight for it.”
Her mom’s words stayed with her throughout the long, miserable day, and that’s how she came to have her phone in her hand later that afternoon. Can we talk?
The response took a few minutes, and they felt like the longest minutes of Cait’s life.
I’m home. Or I can meet you somewhere.
I’ll come there.
Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be here.
By the time he’d buzzed her up to his apartment, Cait’s stomach was tied into so many knots, she was surprised she could stand up straight. And when he opened the door, all of those knots twisted.
He was wearing his favorite sweats—which were so worn, he probably couldn’t get away with wearing them out of the house—and an equally threadbare T-shirt that bore a faded and cracked logo from the fire academy. They were his comfort clothes, which let her know he’d had as miserable a night and day as she had.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said as he closed the door behind her. “All day I’ve been wondering if I should call, but I didn’t know if you’d answer.”
“I would have,” she said quietly. She didn’t know what to do with herself, so she finally pulled out a chair and sat at the table.
What she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms, but that wouldn’t be enough. She wanted them to be okay again because while hugging him now might be a comfort, it was hugging him tomorrow and every day after that that mattered.
He pulled out the chair across from her and sat down, scrubbing his hands over his face before he spoke. “I’m sorry about last night.”
“Me, too.” She was twisting her fingers together, so she clasped her hands together and set them in her lap. “I did a lot of speaking before thinking and I shouldn’t have.”
“And I am sincerely sorry I told your mom I asked you to move in with me. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it. I should have let you tell her when you were ready.”
“Or when I thought she was ready.” When he looked away, she knew she’d struck a nerve. “Oh, that’s right. You already decided she’s ready and that it’s me who’s not.”
“I’m not saying it won’t be an adjustment, for all of you. But I think you’re not even giving her a chance to make that adjustment. You’re just assuming she can’t hold things together without you.”
“You saw how it went last night.”
“And again, I saw a teenager have an attitude with his mother and she got upset. You can’t stop that from happening, and they need to figure out how to communicate with each other without you in between them. It’s not only wrong for you, but it’s not doing them any favors, either.”
Coming here so soon after the fight and on little sleep had been a bad idea, she thought. She didn’t want to hear any more of this. Knowing he’d been judging her, even blaming her for enabling the situation that was tearing them apart, was too much. But she knew if she walked out the door right now, she might never cross his threshold again.
“You’re always doing stuff for your family,” she said, very carefully keeping her voice calm. “How is that any different?”
“Because my family also does stuff for me. Yeah, I’m always there for them if they need me, but they’re also there if I need them. When’s the last time anybody was there for you, Cait?”
“If I need one of them, they’ll be there for me.”
“You do need them. You need for them to tell you that they can handle living in a house together without you.” He ran his hand over his hair and she tried not to notice the way the cowlick refused to stay down. “Family’s supposed to be a give-and-take thing but when it comes to yours, I see a whole lot of taking from you and not much in the way of giving, because you’ve made it a pattern.”
“So is it them or is it me? Make up your mind.”
“It’s not that simple. No, she’s not coping with things like she could be, either. She doesn’t have to, Cait, because you do it for her and you can’t see that she doesn’t need you to.”
“This was a mistake.” She stood up and so did he, but he didn’t move around the table toward her. “It doesn’t matter how much we talk about this, we’re not going to agree.”
“I’m not trying to make you choose between your family and me. I’m really not.”
“It’s not about you at all, Gavin.”
“No, it’s not about me. It’s about us.” He blew out a breath. “I don’t think your family situation has changed much since we first got together and I...I want us to move forward together and I don’t think you can do that right now. And based on how hard you’re pushing back at me, I don’t know if you will be anytime soon.”
Her skin prickled with heat as she heard what he didn’t say. And I don’t know if I can wait.
“I’m going to go,” she said as she walked toward the door, feeling numb. She couldn’t give him what he needed from her. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
He caught her arm. “Cait, don’t leave like this.”
“There’s no sense in staying here and dragging it out. We’re talking in circles and we’re not going to get anywhere and it hurts too much.”
His hand fell away and, in that moment—when he let her walk out the door—Cait knew what true heartbreak felt like.