Chapter Eighteen
One second Gavin was standing on the edge of a roof, and the next, Jeff’s knee buckled and he fell sideways and Gavin was holding on to the small lip of the roof, with one arm, while scrambling to get his other hand up.
Then he felt a hand close over his wrist before other hands grabbed the back of his coat and hauled him back onto the roof.
Pride be damned. He stayed there for a minute, breathing hard and trying to process what the hell had just happened.
“Holy shit, Boudreau,” he heard Danny say.
“Yeah, that,” he said and there was some weak laughter.
It wasn’t even a fire. The maintenance man had gone on the roof to check the equipment, smelled something weird and called the fire department.
The weird smell turned out to be an employee of the building smoking pot on his lunch break and, after reporting that info to the building manager to do with as he saw fit, they’d taken their time up on the roof. The sun was shining and spring was around the corner.
Danny had been telling a funny story about his kid and then, bam, Gavin was dangling four stories over the sidewalk.
It was Jeff who hauled him to his feet. “I’m so fucking sorry, man. So fucking sorry.”
Gavin mustered a grin and slapped him in the shoulder. “You tripped, man. I should have been fast enough to get out of the way.”
Jeff looked like he was going to say something else, but then he just shook his head.
Maybe Gavin’s reflexes would have been enough if his head had been in the game, where it belonged. But then Danny started talking about Ashley and Jackson, which made Gavin think about Cait, and he hadn’t been able to dodge the gut punch he got every time he thought about her.
He missed her. Every second of every day, he felt her absence. He even dreamed about her, so not only was there no respite in sleep, but he started every day with a renewed sense of loss.
Back at quarters, Gavin went about the regular routine of the firehouse, trying not to think about Cait and only managing to think about her more. The other guys were giving him a wide berth and he wasn’t sure if they were giving him space after his brush with being sidewalk art, or if his grief was actually surrounding him like some kind of invisible force field of emotion.
It wasn’t until they’d all gathered in the kitchen to eat that he saw Jeff again. He’d seen Jeff’s wife earlier and figured she’d stopped by for a quick visit, either coincidentally or because Jeff had told her what happened. He’d seen her leave a little while later, but Jeff had stayed in the bunk room.
Now that he really thought about the sequence of events, it was weird and he spooned pulled pork from the slower cooker onto his bun with a feeling of trepidation. Sure, he’d almost accidentally killed Gavin, but shit happened. Hell, Grant had knocked his first LT unconscious with a ladder his second week on the job and put him out of commission with a concussion.
Gavin wasn’t the only one who felt it coming. Even once the meal was done, nobody left the kitchen. They all lingered, restless and waiting for the shoe to drop.
“I talked to Cobb,” Jeff finally said, and they all got quiet. “And my wife. I’m putting in my papers.”
Nobody spoke. They shifted in seats and fidgeted with napkins or whatever was at hand, but Gavin didn’t know what to say and apparently neither did anybody else. Only Rick didn’t look surprised.
“My knee is done, boys, and so am I. It’s one thing to push through the pain for a little while, but it’s not getting any better. Lately it’s been even worse, and I knew there would come a day it gave out on me and every day I got more terrified it was going to happen on the job. When lives are depending on me. It gave out on me today and that’s why I fell into you, kid.”
Gavin couldn’t say he was surprised—he spent way too much time with the man to miss the signs of his knee’s deterioration—but he wasn’t prepared for the swell of emotion he felt.
“I’ve been having nightmares about it for a while,” Jeff continued. “And after today... I know I just can’t do it anymore.”
“Today was a fluke,” Grant said, and Gavin wasn’t surprised he pushed back. They might work different trucks, but the Ladder 37 and Engine 59 crews were a team. A family. They worked together and lived together. They rolled out together. “There’s always the potential for an accident, but we got through it. You pulled him back up.”
“But with me out there, the potential is stronger and we—or at least I—can’t discount what happened today. It’s just plain luck that Gavin caught himself. I almost killed him today and I can’t brush that off. And you guys shouldn’t let me.”
Gavin didn’t say anything. Not because he’d been the one who almost got hurt. It wasn’t the first time he’d almost bit it on the job, and it wouldn’t be the last. But he was watching the others, and when Rick leaned back against his seat with his mouth set in a grim line—not saying a word—he knew Jeff was really leaving.
If Jeff was just in a mood because of the day’s events, Rick would be telling him to sleep on it. He’d offer to take him out for a night on the town, or at least a beer or two at Kincaid’s. But it was obvious the LT thought Jeff was making the right decision, and a lot of pressure from the rest of them was only going to make Jeff feel shittier than he already did.
“It’s not just about you guys, though, or Gavin,” Jeff continued when the silence became heavy. “I’m pretty much maxed out on over-the-counter meds to get through the day. In this fucking cold weather, it’s not enough and I...I know a guy who said he’d hook me up with some prescription stuff under the table.”
“Shit,” somebody muttered under his breath, though Gavin knew they were all thinking it.
“I got kids,” Jeff said. “I have a wife and my kids and I can’t do that to them so I said no, but I considered it and that was a wake-up call. The best thing for my family is for me to find work that isn’t physical. If I take some of the stress off my body, I can ease off the medications and take care of myself and them the right way.”
“You’ve gotta make the decision that’s best for you and your family,” Chris said, nodding. “It’ll hurt like hell to see you go, but not as much as seeing you lose your family because you get hooked on drugs.”
They all nodded, and Jeff cleared his throat. His eyes glistened and he had to try two more times before he could speak again. “When I say this is the best way I can take care of my family, I mean you guys, too.”
There was a lot of throat clearing and sniffling then, so Rick stood up and spoke. “It’s effective immediately. Medical leave until the paperwork processes and all that crap. Anybody here have a problem with Derek Gilman?”
Nobody did. He was pretty well liked throughout the community, but especially in his own house. They’d all worked with him a few times when guys got shifted around to fill in for sick or vacation days.
“We’re going to reach out and see about bringing Derek in to fill Jeff’s spot. Get him off Saturdays since he gets his kids every other weekend.”
And that was that. A floater arrived to cover the rest of Jeff’s shift, and they all tried to keep things light as he packed up his things. The goodbye was excruciating, though. Even though they knew they’d see him around, it would never be the same again.
When Jeff was gone, Gavin chose to skip watching TV or working out and went to his bunk. Stretching out, he put his hands under his head and wished he could talk to Cait.
She read him like nobody else, even his mom, and knew when he needed a hug or if he’d rather have a laugh. She listened to him and she always seemed to know the right thing to say or do.
Jesus, what a week. He’d lost the love of his life, almost died and said goodbye to a member of his crew. And he couldn’t turn to the only person in the world he wanted to talk to right now.
Gavin put his forearm over his eyes and blew out a breath.
He had no fucking idea anymore how he was supposed to get through life without Cait.
* * *
Cait was not in the mood to deal with anybody’s crap today. She’d slept badly and she had her second teen boy in three days from the same rink in her ambulance. The first had taken a puck to the face. This one had been gashed by a skate blade.
She’d enjoyed watching hockey until she became an EMT.
She’d also hated knowing Gavin played sometimes, but he was a grown man who made his own choices. And it really wasn’t her problem anymore.
Missing him every minute of the damn day was her problem, though. She couldn’t count the number of times she’d picked up her phone to call him or send him a text message, only to remember they were over.
Over.
Even that simple word hurt. It had been almost a week and it was still as painful as the first night she went to bed knowing there would be no Gavin in her life tomorrow.
Once they’d transferred their patient to the ER staff, Tony gave her a look. “You need to work on your bedside face right now, Tasker. I think you scared that poor kid more than the blood did.”
“Yeah, I just... I know. I need to get my shit together.”
“Maybe we can sneak an ice cream cone before the next call. A twist with jimmies makes everything better.”
Cait didn’t know if it would help, but it wouldn’t hurt. She nodded and shoved the stretcher toward Tony to push before turning toward the exit.
And it was just her luck that, across the other end of the department, she saw Gavin. He was with Grant, who had an ice bag held to his head, but was laughing.
Seeing Gavin at the end of the hall hit her so hard, she couldn’t breathe for a few seconds.
“I’m going to the restroom,” she said, stopping so abruptly that Tony almost rammed her with the stretcher as she turned her back to the other two guys.
But then he must have spotted Gavin because the confusion turned to anger—the kind of big-brotherly anger that could cause a problem.
“Do you want me to go kick his ass?” Tony asked, not taking his eyes off Gavin.
That startled a laugh out of her, and she shook her head. “Trust me, if I wanted his ass kicked, I’m more than capable of doing it myself.”
“Okay. Do you want me to at least threaten to kick his ass? Wait, scratch that. Can I threaten to kick his ass? Please? I can be scary.”
“I’d rather we just avoid him altogether, to be honest.” She tried to sound like she didn’t care, but her heart was breaking and Tony must have heard it in her voice. His expression softened as he looked at her, and that just made Cait feel even worse. She did not want to cry in the ER, dammit. “Don’t say anything to him. I’ll be right back.”
Once she was alone, Cait filled her hands with cold water from the sink and lowered her face to it. It wasn’t cold enough to shock her out of her current emotional state, but she didn’t think even sticking her face in a bucket of ice water would do it. She just wanted to keep the threatening tears at bay and make her eyes look less puffy.
But she knew every minute she was in the bathroom was a minute she was leaving her partner outside with his anger on her behalf and no supervision, so she dried her face and hands and gave herself a hard look in the mirror. She could do this.
Sure enough, when she opened the door to leave the restroom, she could hear Tony’s voice, and he sounded pissed.
“What the fuck did you think you were doing? Do you know what she’s been through with her family? If you couldn’t handle it, you should have left her alone.”
“Pretty sure my personal relationships are none of your fucking business, pal.”
“If you two intend to do something stupid, take it out to the parking lot,” Karen Shea barked at them. “I don’t have time to deal with your mess.”
Great. Now they had everybody’s attention, she was sure. And even if they didn’t name her, bystanders would see an EMT and a firefighter in a verbal pissing match and then see the EMT’s partner was a woman. Two plus two.
“Look, I know you’re just watching out for your partner,” she heard Gavin say to Tony, “and I get that. But if there’s any chance at all that we can work things out, you and I having a beef won’t help that any.”
Cait’s heart skipped a beat. We can work things out. Hope burned through her, but it fizzled almost as quickly.
Nothing had changed. Their situations remained the same.
“No, it’s you being a self-centered asshole that won’t help any,” Tony responded, no less heated than before.
Cait winced and decided enough was enough. They weren’t going to get anywhere but written up and she wasn’t going to spend the rest of her life hiding from Gavin. Their paths crossed too often for that.
She stepped out and walked to Tony’s side. There was no way around looking at Gavin, so she forced herself to meet his gaze. “Hi, guys.”
“Hey, Cait,” Grant said, while Gavin said nothing.
He looked as bad as she felt, Cait thought. Tired and sad, with his mouth set in a grim line. She wanted to go to him and hold him, comforting him until he smiled again. Until they both smiled again.
Forcing herself to look away, she pointed at Grant’s head, because she couldn’t shut off friendships any more than she could shut off her feelings for his best friend. “What happened to you?”
“Oh, you know, on the job. Being a hero.” He shrugged. “Firefighter stuff.”
Gavin rolled his eyes. “MVA. He tripped on a line and hit his head on the edge of the open car door.”
“Was I or was I not on the job at the time?”
“I would have let it slide if you hadn’t added the hero part. The only heroic thing about it was how many curse words you were able to string together before repeating one when you were lying in the street.”
Cait found herself smiling at their familiar banter, but then her gaze locked with Gavin’s again and her amusement died before it became actual laughter. She couldn’t do this, but she couldn’t just walk away.
“What about your helmet?” she asked Grant when the silence stretched on between her and Gavin.
He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and, after looking at Gavin, rolled his eyes. “I had my helmet off because I thought there was a bug in it, and I was trying to check it quick. And that’s why I tripped in the first place.”
“Concussion?”
“Nope. Just hit my head and as long as I don’t develop any weird symptoms, I’m good to go.”
“Good.” None of them seemed to have anything more to say, so Cait mustered a fake smile. “We’ve gotta run. Take care.”
Then she turned and walked away, with Tony pulling the stretcher at her side. She wasn’t even sure she was going the right way, but it was a hospital. There were a ton of exits to choose from and she’d find the ambulance bay eventually. Or Tony would.
“I’m sorry, Cait,” Tony said when they were out of earshot. “He saw me and instead of walking away, he wanted to ask me how you’re doing. I lost it a little.”
“It’s fine. I just want everything to stay professional because we’re going to run into him sometimes and I just want to...”
The words died as her throat tightened around the knot of unshed tears. She just wanted to wake up and find out this entire mess was nothing but a nightmare and she was still in Gavin’s bed, with his body curled around hers.
When the seemingly endless shift was finally over, Cait turned down Tony’s invitation to join him and Rob and the kids for dinner in favor of going home, pulling her covers up over her head and crying some more.
But her mom gave her a long look when she walked in, and Cait’s heart clenched at the sadness she saw there. She didn’t have room in her life today for more pain—no matter whose it was. “You okay, Mom?”
“No, I’m not.”
Shit, please not today. Cait wasn’t sure she could take much more. “What’s the matter?”
“Let’s sit on the couch and talk for a minute.”
Cait wasn’t sure what to make of it, since if her mom was upset, there were usually tears by now. But her mom’s eyes were dry. “Where’s Carter?”
“He went to his friend’s for dinner. They’re having a barbecue just because it’s finally warm enough, according to them, and I said he could go because he needs to spend more time with friends.”
So it wasn’t about Carter. “What’s going on, Mom?”
“I talked to a family therapist today. I made some appointments.”
Cait felt her eyes widen. “What changed your mind?”
“You.” She said it so matter-of-factly, Cait recoiled. “I refused to see a therapist because I didn’t see anything wrong with not being able to let Duke go. But there is something wrong with not being able to let you go and it cost you Gavin.”
The one-two punch of his name and the sudden tears in her mom’s eyes were almost Cait’s undoing.
She was tired of being strong. She was tired of people needing her. When was it her turn to go to bed and stay there for days, sobbing her heart out?
“You didn’t cost me Gavin,” she said. “I cost myself Gavin. And he cost himself me. We just aren’t ready for the same things and—”
“You are ready for the same things Gavin wants. I’m the reason you think you’re not ready.”
“Mom, it’s not your fault.”
“You need to go live your life, Cait. And I need to live mine.”
“Even if I packed my stuff and left right now, it doesn’t change what happened between Gavin and me, Mom.”
“Only if you get stubborn about it.” Her mom sighed. “Listen, honey. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s... Look at it like this. I’ve been swimming my entire life, but I almost drowned once and you pulled me out of the water. And now you’ve been swimming with me because I remember what it felt like to almost drown and having you rescue me. And you swim with me because you’re afraid I’ll almost drown again. But I can swim, Cait. I won’t drown and I won’t take your brother down with me.”
Tears slid over Cait’s cheeks. “I know you can swim, Mom. And Carter can swim, too.”
“It’s time for you to go, honey. And I hope to God you can work things out with Gavin because he loves you and I know you love him. But even if you don’t, or if it takes a while to get back there with him, you need to go find your own happiness.”
Cait laughed through her tears. “Are you throwing me out?”
“Yes.” Her mom made a sound that was part laugh and part sob and reached for the box of tissues on the end table. “Not right this minute, obviously. But it’s time to start planning what you’re going to do.”
It was, and Cait knew it now, but she couldn’t picture herself moving on with her life without Gavin in it. It hurt too much to even try.
Her mom said it was time to find her own happiness, but Cait knew she’d already found it and she’d thrown it away. But she didn’t know if she had the strength to show up at his door again only to find out there was no chance of getting back what they’d lost.
* * *
“You should go home.”
Gavin looked at Aidan, who was leaning on his pool cue and scowling at him. “I’m waiting for my turn.”
“You’re not here to shoot pool. You’re looking for a fight, so that beer’s going to be your last.”
“It’s my first.” And it wasn’t even half gone, despite his urge to chug it and keep chugging another and another until he was so shit-faced he didn’t think about Cait anymore.
“And your last. Lydia’s not going to give you another one and, if you bust this place up, Tommy’s going to toss you out on your ass. Or I will.”
“So you marry the owner’s daughter and now you’re king shit around here?”
Aidan chuckled, though it wasn’t really a humorous sound. “It’s not going to be me who takes a swing at you, kid. It’s going to be those guys at table four you’ve been giving the stink eye for the last half-hour.”
“Fuck them.”
“Waking up tomorrow with a hangover, all busted up, with pissed-off friends isn’t going to make it feel any better.”
It wasn’t the words that broke through. It was the concern in Aidan’s voice, and Gavin’s awareness that he’d been there himself and he was just trying to help. The fight went out of him, and he took a sip of his beer to give himself a second or two so his voice didn’t crack.
“My apartment feels so fucking empty,” he finally said.
“I know what that feels like and it sucks.”
“Grant’s out with Wren and I didn’t want to put my shitty mood on my parents or Jill and the kids, so I thought it would be better to hang out here.” He shook his head. “But you’re right. Being an asshole won’t make me feel any better tomorrow.”
“I can go home with you, if you want. Watch a game or something.”
“Thanks, but I’m just going to go. I’ll put something boring on and hope I nod off on the couch or something.”
“Reach out if you change your mind.”
Gavin saw the concerned look Lydia gave him as he walked toward the door, so he mustered up a reassuring smile and waved goodbye.
He’d walked to Kincaid’s—not wanting the temptation of his truck if he tried to drink Cait’s memory away—and he thought about calling a cab, but maybe the fresh air would do him good.
It was a chilly night and he kept a good pace. It wasn’t as if his thoughts were good company, anyway. Just a constant loop of beating himself up for losing Cait and then trying to figure out some way to fix it. It couldn’t end this way.
Gavin refused to believe there was nothing left but awkward interactions when they crossed paths on the job. He could fix it. He just needed to figure out how.
He was jogging up the front steps, pulling his keys out of his pocket, when he realized somebody was sitting on the top step.
He stopped abruptly, wondering if he was going to have a problem, before he realized it was Cait.
“Jesus, Cait. It’s freezing. How long have you been sitting here?”
She pushed back the hood of her sweatshirt and stood up. In the light, he could see the signs she’d cried recently, and his heart twisted in his chest. “Not long. Your truck’s here, so I thought you were home but I buzzed and got no answer.”
“I was at Kincaid’s. You should have called. Or sent a text.”
Her mouth twisted in a sad smile. “I didn’t want to give you the opportunity to tell me not to come over.”
“Never.” The word popped out of his mouth without thought because it was the truest thing he’d ever said. “I’ll never not want you here with me.”
Her eyes welled up again and he jogged up the last few steps so he could pull her into his embrace. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed, her face pressed into his coat.
He held her close, feeling her body shake. He kissed her hair as their arms tightened around each other even more. “I’ve missed holding you.”
Cait nodded against his shoulder and it felt as if the crushing weight that had been suffocating him was lifted. This was all that mattered.
“Let’s go inside,” he said after a few minutes of holding her. “You must be freezing.”
“Not anymore,” she said, using the sleeve of her coat to mop at her face as she pulled away.
Once they were inside his apartment, they made quick work of taking off their coats and boots, and Cait grabbed a paper towel to wipe her eyes again.
“We need to talk,” she said.
“Can I hold you while we talk?” He didn’t want to let her go and some part of him felt that as long as they were touching, they could talk through anything.
She walked straight into his arms, though this time she rested her face against his chest instead of burying it in his shoulder. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“My life’s broken, Cait,” he admitted, since he knew there was no more holding back from her. “Without you, it’s not whole anymore. And slapping emotional duct tape on the cracks isn’t going to heal them. Those pieces aren’t going to knit back together no matter how much time I give them.”
When she pulled back to smile up at him through her tears, he felt hope for the first time since she walked out of his door. “Emotional duct tape?”
“That’s what it’s felt like since you left. Like my heart and my life are breaking apart and I keep slapping duct tape on the cracks, but it’s not enough.” And with her looking up at him with those dark eyes, he went all in. “I love you, Cait.”
“I love you, too.”
And just like that, he could breathe again. The ground was no longer shifted under him and everything would be okay. “From now on, no matter what, that’s all that matters. We love each other and we can figure out anything else together.”
“You were right before,” she said quietly, “about me being a crutch for my mom and enabling her to lean on me when she didn’t need to. I didn’t want to face it, I guess, and rejecting that meant rejecting you and I’m so sorry.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry because whether it was true or not, that’s your relationship with your mother and I had no place butting into it.”
“You did, though. If we’re going to make a life together, there are no places or butting in because we’re totally each other’s business and sometimes taking care of somebody means helping them face truths they don’t want to. I’ll do better at being taken care of.”
“I want to make a life with you. I want to take care of you and I want you to take care of me. And together we’ll take care of our families and, when the time is right, take care of our own family.”
“I want that, too. I don’t think I knew how much until I thought we were over. I thought I lost you.”
The thought of her hurting almost killed him. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure you never feel like that again.”
She smiled, and this time there were no tears or shadows in her eyes. This was his Cait and he had her back. “Never?”
“Never.” He ran his thumb across her bottom lip. “Do you trust me?”
“Completely.”
“I’m going to love you for the rest of my life, Cait.”