Lauren

We’re all up early though I got up earlier than everyone else. I’m not sure where Mr. Scott slept last night, but it wasn’t in his room. Mrs. Scott left her door open and she’s the only one there, and his truck hasn’t left its spot from yesterday. My phone rings and I see that it’s Hillary. I can’t help but roll my eyes because I’m super surprised that she’s up before dawn after seeing how drunk they were last night. Hillary and Aidan together just seem odd. Well not that odd,—they’re both single, the same age, and attractive. I just sort of cringe at the havoc of them being serious with each other would cause. I hope Aidan knows what he’s getting into. I’m surprised when it’s his voice on the phone and not Hillary’s.

“Hey Lauren, my phone died so I just used Hillary’s.” His voice is deep like he’s just gotten up.

“I figured that,” I am still slightly annoyed at how they acted last night. I expect things like that from Hillary, but Aidan could have been a little more mature under the circumstance. Those two can be like fire and gasoline.

“I was calling to apologize about yesterday. I was a jerk, and it was stupid. I know you guys didn’t need that, and I don’t take my best friends condition as a joke.” Well, he’s hit all of the marks I was going to check him for.

“I’m just glad it didn’t escalate to something terrible,” I say watching Caylen turn over in bed.

“I saw Mr. Scott’s truck out back. Is everything okay?”

“As far as I know.”

“Do you need any help over there… is he… still that guy…” He says the last part with apprehension and almost disgust.

“Yes he is and we’re actually going to be leaving soon. Could you check in on Mrs. Scott every once in a while? We offered her to come to Chicago with us, but she says she’s going to be fine here.”

“I will. Are you going to be okay with prep school Chris?”

“His name is Collin, and yes he’s harmless,” I giggle.

“When did Chris check out? Was it after all the stuff with Lisa?”

“Yeah, but he came back… it’s a long story. It’d probably be better for Chris to tell you… when he comes back,” I trail off.

“Do you know when that will be?”

I shake my head in response and realize he can’t see me. “No, I’m sort of as clueless as everyone else is,” I admit with a chuckle.

“Have you talked to Lisa?” I ask wanting to change the subject. She has been running through my thoughts lately. I haven’t talked to her since the day she had me meet her at the restaurant and told me she had something she had to tell Chris. I hate that all of this happened. I actually considered Lisa a friend. We were growing close and now… I guess I can’t really judge her. She was so young and I wasn’t a part of the story then, but as a wife I feel obligated to take Mrs. Scott’s side.

“Yeah I’ve been over there. She went and dropped Willa off with her aunt yesterday morning,” he reveals and I’m reminded that Lisa and Mr. Scott have a child together. The fact that she named her daughter after him, it makes it so much more real, and for Mrs. Scott it has to be even more hurtful. I think of the night she cried in my arms on the bathroom floor and feel myself becoming emotional.

“Do you know if Mr. Scott has seen her… their daughter,” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.

“I don’t know.” His voice is desolate, a far cry from his usually playful jovial tone that he had just last night aided with alcohol. In this instant I realize that Aidan is hurting too. His brother Chris is MIA, the Scotts are like his family and on the verge of ruin, and his best friends will probably never speak to each other again.

“Are you okay Aidan?” I ask him genuinely.

“I’m always okay.” I can hear the smile in his voice, and I know he’s mustered it up for me.

“Well since you and Hillary are a thing now, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you a lot in Chicago,” I say teasingly.

“We’re not a thing!” He sounds almost panicked and I have to keep myself from giggling. He doesn’t know Hillary. They are now a thing.

“Whatever you say,” I tell him reassuringly.

“You’ll let me know as soon as Chris is… back,” he says unsurely.

“That’s a promise.”

“Good. Take it easy Lauren.” His tone is more serious.

“You too,” I tell him before hanging up. After finishing up with Aidan I shower quickly and change Caylen while she’s sleeping. It’s really early, and I don’t want to mess up her schedule. Collin texts me that we’ll be leaving at 7:30 and it’s 6:45 now. I’m doing the last check of things when there’s a knock on the door. I figure it’s Mrs. Scott but am surprised when I see it’s Mr. Scott. He still looks tired and drained, but now there’s something I didn’t see the last time we saw each other. Hope, right behind his blue-green eyes.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.” I move from the doorway allowing him to come in. He steps inside, and I close the door behind me. I think of how far he and I have come. How this man practically hated me before, how mean and bitter he was. He wasn’t my ally, honestly he felt like my enemy. There was nothing I could do right and my very presence irritated him. Now after everything has come out, I think I’m his only ally right now.

“Gwen mentioned that you and…” he lets out a deep breath. “Collin are leaving.”

“Yeah,” I nod. “I’m hoping that if he sees Helen that it will help things.”

“I think she can help, I hope, but what do I know now?” he chuckles.

“Have you talked to him?”

He shakes his head. “No, I didn’t think it was the best thing right now.” That I’m surprised at, but maybe I shouldn’t be after the verbal shredding Chris gave him.

“Gwen said that he doesn’t seem that bad.” I wonder if those were his interpretations of her words and not his. To be honest, Gwen actually seems smitten with Collin.

“Not now at least,” I answer honestly. Really I don’t know what to think of Collin. He seems so transparent but that is something that I just can’t trust at this point. His goals seem too perfect. It would be so easy if this part of the man I loved wanted what was best for everyone, but it seems odd for his goal to be so out of line with the other two parts of himself. If he’s being honest and it truly is his goal, does it matter when the other two halves are so against it?

“Gwen told me that he reminds her of a better version of a Crestfield,” he says hesitantly.

“That sounds like a good description of him actually.”

“Well if that’s the case, be careful.”

I start to tell him that his son is an actual Crestfield, but I don’t. He has to already know that and I don’t want to add anything extra on his mental scale right now.

“If there is anything you need from me or Gwen, we are there. It doesn’t matter how early or how late.” I can tell he means it with every fiber in his body.

“I will I promise.”

And I mean it. If we’re going to make this work, it’s going to take every one of us.

* * *

It’s been so many times that Caylen and I have pulled up to our home, gone up so many flights of stairs, and opened the door. Yet it has never been with Cal.

It’s just been us, or Chris has been with us, or at least I think it was him. And now Collin. We’ve been home for a week, and luckily Caylen still knows this is her home. It still feels like it for her, and Collin, I believe, she knows is her dad.

He loves her.

He’s patient with her, he plays with her. She sleeps in my bed every night. I know I have to stop it, she’s so good about sleeping on her own, but it’s more for my comfort than hers. It’s lonely being back here and still by myself in bed. Of course Collin and I don’t sleep in the same room. He hasn’t initiated doing so, and only comes in every morning to collect things. Yesterday I know he went shopping. I peeked into the closet of the room he’s staying in. I must say his taste is impeccable, but expensive, even making Cal’s look frugal. He leaves everyday between 7 and 9 but is back before seven. It’s almost like having a roommate, and it feels so strange. Mr. and Mrs. Scott have checked in on me each day, at different times of course. They’re in the same house— that’s a step—but I don’t know how much longer that will be. I feel so bad for Mrs. Scott, and sometimes it’s easier to talk to her about the pain she’s dealing with than dealing with my own. What pain am I in? After everything it seems selfish to think of my own pain. After everything we’ve found out, what’s happened in everyone's past, it seems ridiculous.

“I want cookies,” Caylen squeals while splashing the bubbles in the tub. I laugh.

“No cookies tonight,” I tell her for the third time. I think Mrs. Scott has gotten her accustomed to baked goods before bedtime. I pick her up and wrap my arms around her along with the big, plush, pink towel and head out of the bathroom. I’m surprised when I see Collin walk through the door. He has a big bag that says Barnes and Noble.

“Hey,” I say and he smiles at me. A smile that still makes my heart do jumping jacks. I remind myself each time that Collin is different; even if he has the same smile, the same voice, and the same eyes that make me fall in love with him again. He sets down the bag and walks toward us, and I command my heart to slow down.

“I have something for her,” he says before kissing her on the forehead. She palms both sides of his face.

“You hear that Cay,” I tell her.

He’s in a good mood, and it’s almost contagious. I want to inhale it, instead I inhale his scent. It’s so different from Chris’s and Cal’s.

“I got something for you too, but I can’t show you until Friday.” His eyes sparkle at me, and I try to contain my smile.

He’s got something for me. I try to hide my elation. I try to hide how good it is for a moment for things to seem easy and light. It seems like those moments were a millennium away. He’s excited, and the energy is buzzing off of him. Usually I would just smile and be polite, but curiosity has the best of me.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Hers or yours,” he challenges and I bite my lip to try to contain my smile.

I fail.

“Go and get her dressed and I can show you hers, and yours you’re going to have to wait for.” I give him a playful glare before dashing off to the room and dressing Caylen after lotioning her down.

“She’s done.” I call out to him and in less than a minute he’s back with the bag. He sits across from us in the rocking chair—the same rocking chair that Chris would sit in and play the guitar for us—I try to push that memory out of my thoughts because it makes me sad, and I want to soak up and keep all the joy that I have right now.

“You ready?” he asks, and I put Caylen down and she walks over to him. He opens the bag. I see her look in, but whatever is in it she can’t lift it. He reaches in and I can’t help but laugh when I see the first Harry Potter book.

“You didn’t,” I laugh amused. One after another he pulls out the entire Harry Potter collection.

“Really, Collin?” I laugh as Caylen observes the books but her attention is really on the covers. Collin loves Harry Potter. I never would have thought, except who wouldn’t like Harry Potter? Even though I can’t picture Chris or Cal reading it.

“You don’t think they’re going to be a little advanced for her?” I tease him. He scoops her up in his arms and sits her on his lap. He pulls out a stuffed owl from the bag, and that already is her favorite out of the books.

“She’s going to be advanced, right princess?” He adjusts himself in the rocking chair and opens the book successfully. Juggling her and the large book in his arms, he reads off the famous first line.

His voice is hypnotic, and what I expect to only be a few minutes before Caylen’s attention span explodes and she becomes agitated, she doesn’t. She teeters a bit grabbing the book here and there but before long her head is on his chest and she dozes off. Still he keeps reading and I sit across from him listening to his voice, wrapped up in his tone before I drift off into dreamland myself.

* * *

My phone wakes me up, its ringtone interrupting a dream that’s made my cheeks flush. My skin is still warm and my breath is stolen. I grab my phone, sleep in my eyes and am surprised to find myself in bed. I look at the phone and see that it’s Raven. My head lands heavily back on the pillow. I want to close my eyes and wrap myself back in my dream, it was warm and safe but strange, and I hate as each second passes it escapes me, and I mourn the loss. The phone vibrates again. Raven is persistent if nothing else. We’ve only spoken briefly this week giving her edited glimpses of the terrible headlines instead of truthful full stories. I will call her back eventually. I just wish I knew what to say to her. I don’t know how to comfort her and I hate keeping secrets but the truth will only worry. No not worry her, it will terrify her. She’s just now warming up to the fact that Chris and Cal are not the same man. To tell her that Collin has now joined the party and that Cal tried to kill someone… I don’t want to even think about that. I climb out of bed and realize Caylen isn’t in the room with me. I think back to last night and remember I fell asleep in her room on the floor.

Remembering his voice and how it was the most intimate moment Collin and I ever shared, I’m reminded of the first time Chris played the guitar for me and I saw a different side of the man that I love. Whenever I think of love and Collin in the same sentence I feel a stab of guilt, and it’s ridiculous but if I’m honest I do feel guilty. Guilty when I notice the things that have attracted me to the man whose been the only person I’ve fallen in lust with in my life. I feel a stab of guilt when I want to be near him, that I still want him. It’s crazy and starting to drive me insane. I’ve kept my distance while being as close to him as I can and a part of me knows it’s ridiculous but another part of me thinks of it as being loyal. But loyal to who? Which one?

They’re the same!

“You’re going crazy, Lauren.” I tell myself quietly as I head downstairs.

“Well, good morning sunshine.” I freeze seeing Raven holding Caylen with a look on her face that’s between pissed and smug. My eyes dart to Collin who is behind the counter, looking like he just woke up, perfectly put together, every hair in place, fully dressed and more alert than someone should be when he was up reading Harry Potter past midnight.

Shit. What has he told her? I’m not in any shape to battle it out with Raven today about the choices that I’ve made and the consequences I should expect.

“How long have you been here?” I ask trying to put some enthusiasm into my tone.

“Wow, no it’s so good to see you, Raven? I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you?” she says sarcastically. I let out a sigh and know that I’m going to have to put on my battle armor even though I don’t know if I can stand with it on.

“I am, Raven. It’s just been a very long week.”

“I can imagine. Collin was just bringing me up to date on things.” She says this tightly and my stomach drops. Ugh, why does he have to be so transparent about everything! I look at him and there is no hint of regret, awkwardness, or an ounce of uncomfortableness.

“Thanks for that, Collin,” I say tightly.

“I thought it’d be better to let her know everything that’s happened and to introduce myself. Save you the stress of it.” He shrugs with one arm instead of two and I’m instantly annoyed.

“I expressed how grateful I am for his transparency. Something his counterparts or their wife hasn’t been great about,” she says sarcastically.

I can feel that this is going to be a great day already. How long has she been down here, and what all has he told her?

“I’m heading out for work. You ladies have a good day.” Collin finishes his orange juice, and flashes me a smile. I fight not to roll my eyes at him while he kisses Caylen before leaving.

“It was good speaking with you, Raven,” he tells her and she smiles widely at him. I am a bit surprised to see that it doesn’t hold the trepidation or tension she had when she met Chris. She almost seems enthralled.

“It was good speaking with you too. I will see you tonight.”

I scold myself for how I felt last night, for warming up to him. It was an easy moment, one that I’ve missed.

“Well, you have had a busy week,” she says tightly as soon as the door closes.

I sigh and flop on the couch knowing what’s coming. She sits Caylen down whose attention is caught on Doc. McStuffins.

“I’m sorry that we haven’t been able to talk,” I tell her sincerely, but my voice is already exhausted from the conversation that’s about to follow, so my apology comes off as dry and nonchalant.

“You’re sorry,” her voice is already high and raised, full of indignation. “Lauren, your husband has a third alter ego,” she screeches.

I swallow hard.

“I had to hear it from Hillary,” she cries.

Thanks, Hillary.

I shake my head. “You and Hillary are best friends now, huh?” I ask a little jealous and hoping to lead off this subject.

“Don’t you dare try to change the subject.”

“I don’t know what Collin’s told you, but there has been so much going on,” I tell her defensively.

“He’s told me quite a lot, but I’d love to hear it from you,” she says, and I put my head in my hands. When I don’t answer right away, she begins to lay out fact after fact, detail after detail and she knows pretty much everything that’s happened including the blow up at the Scotts which wasn’t even any of her business. Gosh Collin what a freakin' motor mouth!

“Well, it doesn’t seem like there’s much for me to say because you know it all already.” She walks over in front of me and leans down, so we’re at eye level. “Your husband tried to kill someone! That is not okay!” she yells.

I stand and walk to the other side of the room.

“You don’t need to be here, Lauren. It is not safe for you and Caylen. Cal needs help, help that you can’t give him.”

“Cal would never hurt us,” I say my voice tired but conviction peeps through.

“Okay Cal won’t, Chris won’t. But what if some other person pops up that would!” She is pleading with me and I know she only wants the best for us. I know she’s worried but God doesn’t she know I’m worried enough, stressed to the max, and I’m holding on to my hope by loose threads and she’s not helping.

“I may not be an expert about what DID is. I may not even be able to say if another alter will surface, or if that alter will be a jerk, but what I do know, what I will bet my life on is that there isn’t ANY part of my husband that would ever hurt me or our daughter!” I’m louder and angrier than I intended to be. Raven’s cheeks are flushed, and my own feel as if they are on fire.

“You are betting your life you and Caylen’s, and it’s ridiculous and selfish!”

“This is why I don’t talk to you.” My voice is quiet and weak now. I shake my head and rub the tears from my eyes.

“I know that you’re worried and that you only say what you do because you care, but I am trying my best to deal with this. It’s hard, really hard. Can you just put yourself in my place for a moment? With all that you know that’s happened, can you think of how I feel?” Tears are falling from my eyes and through my blurred vision, I see her face soften.

“Anything you have thought, I’ve thought it over a million times. I am already worried, I am already stressed, I am scared out of my mind that life will always be hard, and peace and easiness will never be a part of how we live. I am terrified of that, but I still have hope. If I don’t have anything else, I have hope and I can’t allow you or anyone else to take that away from me because if I lose that, I’m going to be the one in an asylum and that won’t be good for anyone. So please, I ask you, I am begging you to just support me. Please don’t make things worse.”

Her lips press together tightly, and she lets out a frustrated sigh but nods, and just like that, it's as if she’s accepted everything. Well accept may be the wrong word. She’s going to tolerate all of this. She heads to the kitchen and starts pouring coffee for us. She tells me that Collin has booked me a massage and facial and that he wants to take me to dinner. I’m shocked by the 180—not just from Raven sucking up and being supportive—but Collin wanting to take me to dinner.

It’s all that’s in my thoughts as the masseuse kneads away weeks of pent-up stress and frustration. What does it mean? Probably nothing. Is it an olive branch? Well not an olive branch since we haven’t been at war with one another, we’ve kept our distance though, amicably. More like cautious allies, yesterday being the first time the gap was closed. I remember that he said he had a surprise for me but that I couldn’t get it until Friday; today is Thursday. I think of the dream I had last night, one that I’m sad yet, thankful that I’ve forgotten. After my massage and facial I feel lighter, I look my age again instead of ten years older. I think of how thoughtful it was for Collin to do this. How he’s aware of almost everything. It is intimidating. I wait as the dial tone rings and Helen answers the phone half-surprised but enthusiastic.

“How are you, Lauren?”

“I’m… I’m making it,” I laugh half-heartedly.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“Raven just got to town, and has Caylen. I was wondering if you had any free time today to talk,” I ask hesitantly. Talk, should I have said talk, should I have asked her for an appointment?

“Have you eaten already, we could do a late lunch, would three work?”

“Sure,” I respond. We go over the details and an hour later I’m meeting her at a new café. I make my way in and see Helen seated toward the wall. She stands and waves. I maneuver my way through the tight space, tables crowd one another, but thankfully there aren’t many people here at three. I make my way over and smile as I start to sit down, but she comes over and pulls me into a hug. I’m caught off guard but manage to reciprocate quickly.

“I’m so glad that you called me.” She moves her hair from around her shoulders to her back. Long dark waves cascade down her shoulders, stray pieces lying on her dark blue blouse with gold buttons.

She seems different, almost lighter, and I wonder if she is. No longer having to hold on to a secret that always stood in between us having a genuine friendship, I’m still not sure if the hole that secret left will prevent it.

“Thank you for seeing me,” I tell her, stirring the ice in my water.

“You look good,” she tells me and I can’t help but widen my eyes in surprise. I haven’t heard that in awhile.

“It probably was the facial and massage Collin got me. Before that I looked like an old maid.”

“Did you tell him to do that?” I wonder. Are Helen and Dexter secretly advising him? She smiles widely.

“No, Collin is attentive and intuitive. He doesn’t ask for my advice.”

“Intuitive,” I repeat, hearing the disdain in my voice.

“Has he been seeing you?”

“Yes, twice this week.” She sips her green tea. “Has he not told you?”

“Yes, he did,” I tell her.

She looks at me curiously. “You didn’t believe him?” Her smile softens.

I shrug and let out a sigh. “I-I don’t know. I did, I didn’t, I just…” I trail off when the waitress comes and takes our order. Helen orders a salmon salad and I settle on a chicken Caesar.

“Are you guys going to be at the dinner tonight?” I ask.

“Not that I’m aware. Why didn’t you believe that he’d been coming to see me?”

“I don’t know. I’m just not used to him being so honest,” I admit. “Not honest, forthcoming,” I correct myself. “It’s not that I think Cal or Chris are liars, but they both had their secrets. I just wonder what Collins’s is,” I admit.

“How have things been?” she asks casually, but nothing is really casual about Helen.

I go through all that’s happened. Telling her about the day Chris and Cal both made their appearance, how things have been going since. I focus on facts, and she looks on, never appearing surprised or biased in the least. By the time I’m finished, the food has arrived and we thank the waitress as Helen pops a piece of salmon in her mouth. I bow my head and say a quick prayer, a habit I’ve picked up from being around Mrs. Scott on so many occasions.

“So there has been a lot going on, understandably so, but how do you feel about them?” she asks, and I sigh.

“I feel like any normal person would feel. Overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated but grateful. Grateful that things aren’t completely worse, that we’ve made it past what could have been a life changer. If Cal had gone through with killing Clayton, things would be so much worse right now.” I say the last part with my voice low and she nods.

“How have you been adjusting to living life with Collin,” she asks and I shrug.

“He’s so different,” I train my eyes on my soup and I play with the spoon.

“But, there’s times I recognize things in him,” I feel my cheeks blush and I hate that I am blushing over him. “I-I don’t really know how to feel about him,” I say quietly. My hand massages the back of my neck, reminding me of the heavenly few hours I just spent. How he apparently extended the gesture himself.

“You feel distant toward him?”

I nod. “Should I not?” I ask genuinely.

“Who is keeping the distance you or him?” Helen is listening to a side of the story she already has the other half to. I wonder what Collin talks to her about, what treatments they’re doing to bring them closer to integration.

“I think it’s both of us,” I say only feeling a tad bit guilty.

“You’re going to dinner tonight?”

“Yes, It’ll be the first time it’ll be just the two of us,” my voice raises.

“And you’re nervous?” she covers up a smile, but I’ve already seen it.

“To be honest, yes,” I admit. “He’s so… he’s hard to read.”

“Collin?” she asks and I wonder if she means it to come off as accusatory or if I’m just taking it that way.

“I know he says that he’s transparent, like he’s an open book, but I don’t necessarily believe that.”

“You think he has ulterior motives,” she asks but her tone is neutral.

“Don’t we all,” I meet her eyes. She picks up her napkin and wipes her mouth. She then folds her hands and leans closer into the table.

“Do you believe Cal loves you?” she asks.

“Of course,” I answer almost defensively.

“And Chris,” she asks and I nod.

“Collin,” she asks and I pause.

“I don’t know him enough to know if he loves me,” I chuckle. “I asked if he was gay. I read about that when I was researching,” I giggle to lighten the mood and even Helen cracks a smile.

“Yesterday, we had a good moment,” I say quietly, briefly meeting her eyes.

“Before then it was things that reminded me of Chris or Cal that he did, that I missed that made me want to be near him, but then was the first time I think I liked him.” I pick up my glass and take a small sip, my heart is beating faster and I just let out a long breath.

“And I’m sort of afraid of that,” I tell her and she nods as if she’s been waiting for me to say that. She stretches her arm across the table and takes my hand in hers.

“It’s normal, Lauren,” she says reassuringly. The show of affection brings tears to my eyes, but I blink them away.

“I feel stupid because… I’m supposed to feel about him how I feel about Cal and Chris… but at the same time if I do, I can’t help feeling guilty about it, which makes me a huge hypocrite because I tell Chris and Cal I love the whole man,” I spout all of this out in the span of one sentence.

“If you got closer to Collin… what are you afraid of happening?”

I reflect on her question all through the day. I didn’t answer her then. I just shrugged it off as me being silly, and she didn’t press since technically we weren’t having a real session under the guise of two friends meeting for lunch and girl talk when it’s anything but. The salad I ate swishes in my stomach like waves as I sit in front of my closet trying to choose what to wear. I feel as nervous as I did on my first date with Cal, so many moons ago. Then I didn’t have a closet full of designer dresses and shoes. He didn’t say where we were going but knowing what I do know of Collin, it will be somewhere fancy and calling for something nice.

“All of them are nice, Lauren,” Raven says as she and Caylen sit on the bed watching me pick through the dresses.

“And why are you so jittery, sweetie?” she asks.

“I don’t know, I’m being stupid,” I flop on the bed.

“Things have been okay between you and… Collin,” she reaffirms his name.

“Yes, they’re fine it just still takes some getting used to sometimes,” I tell her sounding as confident as I can, especially after the speech I gave her earlier. She squeezes my hand and nods. I give her a hug, and she hugs me back, the kind of hug she’d give me when I was little to let me know that everything was going to be okay.

“I still have my reservations about this, and I really wish I could pack you up and give you a vacation on an island away from all of this,” she laughs, but in a way I know that she is completely serious. “But if there is anyone who can get through this, it’s you,” she tells me quietly in my ear.

When she releases me, she walks over to the closet and picks up the little white one shoulder dress that clings to me everywhere.

“I can’t see any man not liking this,” she tells me with a soft smile. After I shower and put on my dress, I curl my hair and end up sweeping it in a top bun. I put on a little makeup and when I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but smile. I’m going on a date, and the woman staring back at me is excited.

I miss him, and the small part of me he opened up to show me last night, gives me hope.

Not just from being anxious and slightly suspicious like I have been. I keep thinking of how I missed doing this with Cal, how Chris and I had so much going on that it never came up, but the time before last Collin and I did this was right after he first appeared and that was the night before all hell broke loose. I’ve gotten to know Collin better since that night, but he still makes me nervous. He’s charming but almost too charming, and I just can’t read him. Not that I was great at reading Cal, but I knew what motivated Cal, I knew how to get my way most times. Chris is hard to read but only because I felt like he was so confused about what was going on, that his conflicting emotions get the better of him most times. Knowing his history and his parents I felt more at ease with him, and the fact I was determined to do whatever I needed to make things work for our family…. well that hasn’t changed.

Whatever it takes.

* * *

Collin

Family.

It can make or break you.

I’ve seen it. It was the thing that made him, but sometimes the cure comes from the same tree as the poison. Of all of us, I remember the most about our life before. Our mom and dad, well the man we thought to be our father, and our three sisters. I remember our life being good when our mother was stable, or more stable than the times she wasn’t. I remember feeling love at some points. We were her favorite, I remember the last moment with her before everything was changed.

Raven is sitting on the sofa, her eyes on Caylen.

“I love my niece, Collin. I would die for her and this little girl,” she continues looking me directly in the eye. I can sense her worry, her restraint, the pain she’s dealt with being interconnected to all of this. I wonder how many sleepless nights she’s had, how many prayers she’s said. I heard her and Lauren today when I realized I left one of my files. I heard their fight. I don’t know if they heard each others' plea, the one that’s really unspoken, hidden under the anger at the surface, both just want the pain to stop, a break from the underlying worry. I understand Raven; I’ve been in her place for all of these years. Through the tug-of-war, the opposite agendas of Christopher and Calvin. We all just want peace. I approach her slowly and take her hand.

“Are you ever going to be well?” her words come out sharp, but I can tell that she doesn’t mean for them to be hurtful. “She deserves that, she’s been through so much,” her voice slightly breaking.

“And what about Caylen? How is this supposed to work for them?” She wipes her eyes.

“I know that this may be harsh, but I’m just so worried about them.” Her voice is tense but vulnerable. She stands and walks closer to me. “If Lauren knew I was talking to you like this she’d never forgive me, but I-I have to hear this from you…” She lets out a deep breath.

“Lauren will never walk away from you. I realized that today. She will never ever let you go, and it scares the hell out of me.” She glances up toward the bedroom Lauren is in. “You have to promise me. If you really love her, if you know that it is even a possibility of you coming anywhere near hurting her that you will walk away from her. I need that promise from you, from Chris, and from Cal. Knowing that would just help so much.”

She knows that I could easily tell her a lie. That I could give her an empty promise, but she seems relieved to have said the words, even if I could use those same words to turn the person she loves most against her. I remember when she was Cal’s biggest supporter, I saw her skepticism about Chris, and when she looks at me, there’s a mix of fear, skepticism, and exhaustion. I take her hands in mine and a flicker of a memory of the mother I used to know tries to enter my thoughts.

“I promise you that she’s safe with me, that I won’t do anything to hurt her. It isn’t in me or any of us to do anything that won’t be for her good,” I promise her, and can see that she’s still skeptical but hopeful.

“Is everything ok?” We both turn and see Lauren standing at the top of the stairs, and for the first time in my life, I don’t have anything to say. She looks like an angel, a white dress snaking around her body, a simple diamond necklace rests on her neck, her hair swept on top of her head showcasing the length of her neck. She’s always been beautiful. From the time Cal first laid eyes on her there was no denying that, but as she stands there right now, she looks regal, elegant, and vulnerable, like she’s a star of a 1950’s film, and it catches me off guard.

“You look beautiful, sweetheart.” Raven is standing and walks to meet her at the stairs. I realize I haven’t said anything.

“Thank you.” She glances over at me, and her cheeks are flushed pink, and my chest tightens. She smiles at me shyly, one that I haven’t seen from her directed at me at least.

“Thank you for today, it was really needed,” she tells me.

“It was well deserved,” I clear my throat.

“Don’t you think mommy looks pretty?” Raven says walking across the room and picking up Caylen in her arms. She beams causing all of us to break into a smile. I take Caylen’s hand and kiss it. She’s the best thing Cal has ever done. To see so much of myself in her is still surreal, to see a bigger purpose to be better is a reminder for us all to be a better man.

“You two have a great time tonight.” Raven gives Lauren a quick hug and she squeezes my shoulder, a passing understanding between the both of us.

“You be good for auntie Raven,” Lauren tells Caylen kissing her on the cheek.

“Be good princess,” I hug and kiss her good-bye. “Shall we go Mrs. Scott?” I ask extending my arm to her. She nods and the smile she tries to hide peeks through.

“Yes we shall, Mr. Scott,” she says in an amused tone.

* * *

Our car ride is quiet, but there is a tension that you can feel, that’s intermingled with the smell of her perfume. She’s nervous, but trying to hide it. She keeps squeezing her wrist and hums along to the music which are obvious signs of her nervousness. We’ve only made small talk about her day, Caylen, her trip to the spa. I engage her when she opens up, but my thoughts are clouded and more unfocused than usual. My eyes keep drifting to the hem of her dress that keeps edging up, my mind keeps going back to the moment in the shower where she looked at me with equal parts reservation, annoyance and desire.

I can feel her eyes on me, and it makes things worse.

She turns down the music. “Are you ok?” She asks, her eyes studying me.

“Yes,” I tell her confidently. This is the first time I’ve had to tell myself to be confident, something that was once natural. Having to direct myself is a feeling I don’t like. “Why?” I ask, already knowing the answer. If I’m noticing things myself, it’s not surprising that she has too.

“You just seem a little unlike yourself, no pun intended.” She laughs, and I can’t help but grin.

“It’s still me,” I tell her and she chuckles picking up on my joke.

Her head turns toward the window, her eyes following the glitter of the city lights. I remember when Cal first brought us here. I knew then he’d never want to leave, he was addicted to the city the moment he entered it, just like he became addicted to her the moment he laid eyes on her. I’ve felt at home in each place that we’ve lived, which has been many over the years, indifferent to wherever we called home. It wasn’t until she became a part of our home that my indifference was harder to hold up.

My plan was to do something nice for her, something that would allow her to get away from the life we’ve dug for her. To give her time outside of the world she’s closed herself in. Whether she liked it or not was an afterthought. If she did, it would be good because it would keep her happy here in Chicago, which I need her to be so I can keep a close watch on what the Crestfields owe us. If she didn’t like it, I’d come up with another plan. The goal is always to keep everyone’s agenda in line. Balance is the key. After yesterday something has changed, so slight that any other person wouldn’t notice, but I noticed a shift has happened. It’s subtle, but shifts change the balance, and it’s so important for things to be even with me, neutral is always best. We pull up in front of the restaurant, and I open the door for her and give the valet driver my keys. I extend my arm and when she takes it, I can’t help but notice how good we fit. I also notice the lingering gaze of the valet worker on her as we make our way to the entrance. We’re immediately seated, and in one of the best sections of the restaurant—one that overlooks the lake and is close enough to hear the live band but not drown out conversation. Our order is taken, and I order a bottle of her favorite red wine, one that’s on the sweeter side. It’s not my favorite but tonight isn’t about me. I feel a pull in my stomach, more like a knot, ones that are usually reserved for Chris, but I ignore it.

“You usually don’t like for me to drink.” She looks at me with playful eyes and an amused grin on her lips.

I tear my eyes away from her beautiful lips and remind myself to focus. “There’s a difference between drinking for pleasure and in moderation and drinking for courage or numbness,” I take a drink of my water. She frowns slightly and her eyes narrow on me, reminding me of how she usually looks at me.

“Do you always have to be so serious?” she asks, a hint of annoyance in her tone but her expression is amused.

My eyebrow raises. “I didn’t know that I was always serious.” I chuckle, and she rolls her eyes and takes a drink from her glass.

“Not always, not when you’re interacting with Caylen, you’re not so…” She looks up as if trying to find a word that wouldn’t offend me, and it’s adorable.

“Uptight,” she giggles, and I can’t help but smile.

“See, when you smile… it’s like magic.” I can’t say I’m not taken aback, and she looks down shyly.

“Or in your words, it’s enthralling,” she mimics my voice. “See, I know big words too,” she winks.

I can’t help but laugh again. She blushes, and I can tell the wine has started to swim through her blood stream, but she’s also pacing herself.

“When did you read Harry Potter?” she asks after our appetizer is brought out. My eyes look at hers, and they’re a little squinted but they smile at me. Her chin is rested in her palm and a lazy smile is on her lips. I have never seen her look so easy going with me.

“Reading was my way to escape.”

“What were you escaping from?”

I lean back in my seat and look at her, knowing that she’s never wanted pretty lies or half-truths, and I’ve never been one to give those, but it would be a lie to say I don’t miss the easy smile that was just on her face. I understand why Chris would tell a half-truth to keep the smile there, because the expression she holds now is one with a somber sincerity.

“There were days, when Cal felt at his darkest and Chris was hidden mainly when Gwen was sick. I read over 300 books that year, all different genres from fiction to biographies, even a few of Gwen’s old romance novels. There were no books that helped me escape more than the magical world of Hogwarts.” I give her one of the smiles she called magic, but the one she gives me is what casts the spell, one that I thought I was immune to.

“Okay, I have a very serious question for you,” Her voice has only a hint of a slur, her expression is serious, but there is a playful glint in her eye.

“Where would the sorting hat put you?” She maintains her serious façade, and I can feel the smile stretch on my face. I take a moment to pretend to ponder even though I already have an immediate answer.

“Ravenclaw,” I tell her, and she bursts out laughing. She looks as if she’s going to ask another question but decides against it, but I already know what she’s thinking.

“Christopher would be a Hufflepuff and Cal a Gryffindor.”

Her eyes widen in surprise.

“I thought you’d have said Cal would be in Slytherin.”

I shake my head and chuckle. “That would be if you were talking to Chris.”

The rest of the dinner goes even better than I imagined. She shows a side of herself that she hasn’t shown me yet. She’s playful and funny and reminds me how intelligent she is, keeping up with me in any subject I bring up. We keep things light, and she doesn’t ask me questions that I assumed she would have about my sessions with Helen, or the work I’ve been doing with the Crestfield Corporation. I think she’s grown accustomed to not getting answers to the questions she really wants and has trained herself to not ask. Or maybe it’s that she’s enjoying the night so much that she doesn’t know if I’ll give her answers she wants to hear. When we’re back in the car she sings along to the music inviting me to join in, and when I decline, she swats me playfully.

“Since it’s so late, do you still want your surprise tonight, or would you rather wait until tomorrow?” I ask.

“Tonight,” she smiles brightly. “But only if it’s a good one.”

I try to contain my smile, but I’ve been failing miserably at that tonight. We pull in the back of a building. We’re only a few blocks from home. I get out of the car and open the door for her. She looks at me curiously.

“It’s this way,” I tell her. She takes my hand and steps out of the car. I try to hide my surprise when she doesn’t let it go, but I know that she’s a little tipsy and her feet must hurt from the shoes she’s wearing, so I don’t read too much into it. When I walk to the back entrance of the building and put in the security code, she looks at me more perplexed. I open the door and hit the lights, revealing a large, empty space.

She looks at me a little confused. Her eyes then land on the package in the middle of the floor. “What is this place?” Her eyes take in the vaulted ceilings and hardwood floors. It’s about 2600 square feet in total, 1600 on the first floor and the remainder on the second. There are large windows that look out on to the street.

“Whatever you want it to be,” I tell her, and she stops mid-step and turns to look at me her eyes wide with emotion.

“What?” she asks.

“I thought it could be an excellent space for an art gallery,” I say with a slight shrug. I hear her breath catch, and her mouth falls open.

“You bought me a gallery?” Her voice is shaky, and I start to wonder if she’s upset.

“Well, it’s not a gallery yet… I saw the potential of it. It’s in the center of the art district, but it could be whatever you want it to be or if you don’t want it, we could sell it for a steal. I just thought of you when I saw it.” I start feeling almost apprehensive now.

“You bought me a gallery?” This time she’s smiling, but there’s joy oozing from her tone even though her eyes are teary.

“It’s not a big deal. It's something you should have had already.” I mean every word of it. She had dreams when she came into our life, dreams that the weight of our problems suffocated, and it’s a crime that someone as smart and ambitious as she was became so stifled by us.

“I don’t know what to say.” She clutches her chest as if her heart would fall out if she didn’t.

“It’s something that Calvin always planned on doing for you but other things took his attention. Christopher would have done it if he had the means, and it only makes sense that I do what they would carry out if circumstances hadn’t intervened.”

She looks down at the floor her expression fighting between pained and ecstatic. A moment later she marches toward me and grabs my hand. She looks up at me as if seeing me for the first time, her eyes pierce through mine before she stands on her toes and presses her lips gently against mine.

I freeze. I didn’t expect this reaction. She pulls back looking me in the eyes before leaning in again and this time when her lips touch mine, I pull her closer. She tastes like mint with a mix of the wine she had earlier. Her hand travels up my chest and to my hair as her fingers comb through it. It’s happening so fast, and I can feel the blood rushing through my body, but I pull away.

“I don’t want you to feel obligated to do this,” I tell her and she looks at me almost offended but then a slow smile spreads across her face. She slowly takes a few steps away from me and pulls the dress over her head. She’s standing in front of me and my chest feels like a train is trying to escape it. My composure isn’t anywhere near as strong as I thought it would be.

“I want my husband to make love to me.” Her lips are slightly parted, her eyes hooded, her expression so seductive, but her tone is the most innocent thing I’ve ever heard. She’s like the white rabbit—unknowingly leading me down the hole—but it's she that doesn't know how deep the hole goes or how hard the fall is going to be. I tell myself it’s the wine, but I can’t help myself from walking toward her. I should feel guilty but when I kiss her neck, the moan she gives me in response keeps me going, and I’ve never craved someone as much as I’ve craved her.

“Are you sure?” It takes all of my strength to stop and I ask, giving her one last chance to back out.

“Stop being so uptight.” She teases as she starts to undo my pants, and when she says that it unleashes every reservation that I’ve had. I pick her up and kiss her how I’ve wanted to kiss her since the day we stood in that shower, before she realized it was me. I kiss her the way I wanted to yesterday, when she sat mesmerized at my feet. Her taste is addictive, her touch almost healing. The look on her face when we become one, unimaginable. As I go deeper inside of her I feel as if I’m falling into deep ends of water, and I’m afraid because for the first time in my life I’m in unchartered territory. This feeling is foreign; not being completely in control, knowing the outcome of this may not result in the best circumstances for us. This could cause problems. It will cause problems, but I fix the problems… I’ve fixed Cal’s, I’ve fixed Chris’s, and I’ll fix this. They need me; it’s not the other way around. They’ll understand.

They’ll have to.

* * *

Lauren

Was last night just a dream? Hazy memories of lips on my neck, stomach and other places that throb run through my mind. Fingers touching, as if they were given a road map to each secret place on my body. When I open my eyes I don’t see the high vaulted ceilings I saw last night, and my back isn’t stiff from doing all sorts of wild things on the hardwood floors. Could it really have been just a dream?

It had to be because in real life I wouldn’t seduce Collin. The restrained, calculating, perfectly put together Collin didn’t unleash himself and remind me of his counterparts more than I ever thought possible. He didn’t help me come apart time and time again in the space he bought for me to open a gallery. No that didn’t happen. It couldn’t have. But when I look over and see the white dress from my dream neatly folded on my dresser, I catch my breath.

It did happen.

I hear the shower running and swallow hard. How did I get from there to here? That wine must have been super strong. No, I can’t blame it on the wine.

I was lonely, and I wanted him. Is that so wrong? I wanted my husband’s touch, his kiss, to feel him inside of me. Am I a bad person for that? Shit, I feel like this is déjà vu again. I cautiously get out of bed and walk over to the bathroom door, which is closed. I listen to the water running, and open the door to see the shower is clouded with steam. I’m apprehensive as I open it this time. I’m almost shaking with nerves at the thought of it opening and it being another person. Instead, the door opens for me.

“You’re welcome to come in.” He smirks and stands back for me to come in. I let out a small sigh of relief because I am not prepared to be attacked or shouted at for what happened last night. As I step in the shower, I’m immediately enveloped by warmth, and it melts my apprehension away. I sit on the bench in the shower opposite of him, and we’re both quiet.

“Good morning.” He smiles, but it’s almost bashful—a look I’ve never seen on him.

“Good morning.” I wear my own shy smile even though we’re both sitting in front of each other completely naked. If I didn’t imagine what we did last night and it’s all real, we’re beyond being bashful. I rest my head back on the tile and let the water drip down my skin. The sound of the water is relaxing and calming, but what I really want to hear is his voice, for him to say something.

“Yesterday was interesting,” he says, his voice serious with only a hint of amusement. I fight myself from letting out a nervous chuckle and swallow my nerves instead.

“Was it?” I ask back through barely veiled sarcasm, mimicking his usual tone. I wish there wasn’t so much steam, that I could look at him better, not that if I could see him it could cause me to read him any more accurately. I want to know what he’s thinking‚ but according to him he’s an open book. Suddenly it’s like my wish is granted, and he appears through the steam and my eyes drink him in, every perfect curve on his body, solid muscle, sculpted and hard. Even after all of these years, I fall in lust with him all over again when I look at him. I pull in a much-needed breath when he kneels between my legs and pulls me so that our chests are touching. Our heartbeats pulse against each other, mine speeding like horses trotting and his steady. He takes my hand and brings it to his mouth and kisses the inside of my wrist, while his eyes stay on mine. My heart rate is climbing higher and higher as his fingers trail up my thighs. This feeling is familiar, the rush of it, the suspense, the teasing. His lips crash into mine and he doesn’t let them go. A wave of heat passes through me, and I feel like I’m tumbling through time again, one year, two years, three years... I’m lifted up and my body is pinned to the wall of the shower, his body pressed against mine. His mouth is kissing my lips, down my neck and stomach. I’m lifted and pushed higher, and I gasp when I’m on his shoulders.

“What are you doing?” I laugh as I grab his hair holding on. He looks up at me with a twinkle in his eye. “Trust me,” he says before his tongue dives inside of me.

“You’re going to…” My thoughts drown out. Words slip from my mind as his arms lock on both sides of me and my hand digs into one of his arms, while the other digs into his hair. Emotions and memories collide and crash against each other. I feel high, on a drug that I haven’t had in such a long time. The feeling in the pit of my stomach starts to spread throughout my entire body. It’s all so eerily familiar. After all the time that’s passed, should I still feel this way? Is this regressing? Is this a good thing? It hits me all at once, throws me over a cliff, I’m light-headed, I’m weightless…

When I come down literally and figuratively, he lifts my chin so our eyes are locked, and I feel anxious, excited, nervous like he’s a stranger but knows me in the most intimate ways possible. I catch my breath, and a smile stretches across his face and with it, my heart does the same.

“I want to know you.” I run the tip of my fingers lightly across his chin. His eyes squint a little at me, and I realize how ironic my statement is. “You know what I mean,” I giggle feeling my cheeks heat up.

His lips rest against mine, they’re light and strange and familiar at the same time. “I’ll tell you anything.”

“Anything?” I ask. It’s almost too easy.

He’s inside of me.

“Everything?” I ask breathlessly.

He pulls back from me searching my eyes, and for a moment I think he’s irritated, but it’s a flash that disappears in an instant.

“Who are you, Collin Scott?” I fight through a moan.

“Crestfield,” he says before covering my mouth with his.

* * *

A beast let out of its cage. I wonder if that’s what I’ve done. The seemingly refined man who wears meticulously put-together suits, well-mannered and well-spoken, reserved, is a complete beast in bed. It seems so contradictory, it was supposed to be different. I thought he’d be careful, slow, and attentive. That’s how he was when he made love to me on the floor of the space. The space for my gallery, the gallery he bought for me, it’s still surreal to think of it. But here, in the shower and in our bed, there is no more carefulness, nothing unsure about his movements in any way. He’s wild and completely sure of everything. No quiet confidence, more like screaming. It reminded me so much of Cal but different in so many ways.

“What are you thinking?” His body is stretched out over the bed and completely magnificent.

I smile at him and roll on my back to look at the ceiling.

“Nothing.” I lie holding a smile from spreading across my face by trapping my bottom lip between my teeth. The light from the window is shining in on us, highlighting his face, and his smile is beaming, his hair is messy, and he looks so much like Cal but wearing a smile like Chris that it’s scary. This man with so many faces, I have to remind myself who’s staring back at me.

“You can tell me anything, Lauren.” He smiles softly, his tone more serious sounding and more like the man I’ve gotten to know these past few weeks.

“Can I?” I ask teasingly. His hand slides down my waist, and he pulls me over to him, but just beside him, not on top. Our faces are only inches apart, but he doesn’t kiss me. My heart speeds up, and the prickles travel up my spine, in a way that only he can do. A way that makes me excited and anxious but nervous—they way one feels on a roller coaster seconds before the giant drop happens.

“You’re safe with me.” His words cause my chest to tighten. They’re heavy and serious when I’ve been trying to keep the moment light and playful. His words grab my heart and squeeze it. I bite my lip and hold in the sigh that’s trying to get out because there was a small part of me that believed that this was just about sex—a request for intimacy from me that he wanted fulfilled—but the way his eyes are looking into mine, it seems deeper than that and more real than that. It’s unexpected and terrifies me, but it’s exactly how I feel right now and a part of me hates myself for it, especially when he wraps me in his arms and it’s the best I’ve felt in a long time. The little spot inside my heart is growing and the voice inside my head I drowned out last night and this morning is saying that I should feel guilty.

* * *

“Good Morning.” When I see Raven sitting in the living room with Caylen, I feel my cheeks heat up. It’s closer to early afternoon than morning.

“Good morning.” I give her and Caylen a quick kiss. “What time did Collin leave?” I ask grabbing a juice from the fridge.

“About a half hour ago. That man sure can wear a suit,” she laughs and I can’t help but join in.

“He can, can’t he?” I joke sitting down at the table in the kitchen and she joins me.

“How did last night go?” She has a knowing smile on her face, and I try my best to contain mine.

“It was great. Really great.” I go for an honest answer, but I regret how solemn my voice sounds.

“Well, tell me about it.” She seems excited for me, and I appreciate that from her because I know this situation is extremely worrying to her. I go through the details, well the PG-13 ones.

“Wow, a gallery space,” she exclaims, this time genuinely excited.

“Yeah, I know. I was so shocked.”

“That’s fantastic, sweetie.” She squeezes my hands.

“It is, isn’t it?”

“Of course, I think it’s great. When is the last time you’ve done a painting?”

“Wow, at least two maybe three years,” I sigh sadly.

“A drawing?” she asks, and I shrug embarrassed.

“Other than a doodle here and there, about the same,” I say and she frowns.

“Lauren, you used to love it. I can’t believe it’s been that long!”

“I did, I still do. It’s just life got in the way…” I trail off knowing it’s still not an excuse.

“Well, that’s changing, right?” She gives me an encouraging nudge.

“Yeah, I hope so.”

“What’s wrong?” she asks, her expression scrunching up in worry.

“I don’t know. When I think of all the work that comes along with it…” I admit.

“It’s all good work though!”

“Absolutely.” I agree.

“Then what’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing's wrong.”

“Lauren, I know you better than that and I know that something is wrong.” She says sternly.

“I-I just wonder if it the right time with all that’s going on,” I shrug.

She nods slightly in understanding. There are a few moments of silence. “So Collin…” she starts, and I fight myself from rolling my eyes. “It was a big decision for him to purchase the space for you. And he’s working quite a bit… where?" she asks and I laugh.

“Where Cal worked.” I can’t help how my chest tightens when I say his name. I have tried to shut him out of my mind and my thoughts. I have tried to ignore the tightening sensation in my chest when I think of him. Raven’s hand slides across the table and takes mine; emotions that I’m trying to hold in the pit of my stomach revealed in the cracks of the stone face I’ve been trying to hold.

“How are you doing with all of this? Really?” she asks.

“I’m fine.” I take my hand from hers and quickly gulp the remainder of my juice, hoping to also swallow the emotions trying to rear themselves up.

She eyes me with disbelief. “Really?”

“Yes.” My comment is hard and short and from the small sigh she lets out, I hope she’ll drop it.

“Okay,” she says with only a hint of snippiness before she stands.

“I think I’ll take Caylen for a walk,” she announces huffily before leaving the kitchen area. She scoops up Caylen and heads to her room. I stare at the half-empty glass of orange juice and wipe away the two tears that fall from my eyes into it.