Ashe’s silence frightens me. He has done nothing but stare out the window the entire ride back to the MASH unit. I hope to God today doesn’t send him spiraling again. I had no idea what I was walking into when I got the call from Ander. He only said that Ashe needed more hands and wanted Wren to come help him. Wren was holding a man’s guts in his hands when he blew off Ander’s call, sending him to me.

When I saw the small opening that I would be lowered down into to get to Ashe, I got a little claustrophobic. I couldn’t imagine how a man Ashe’s size fit down the hole. When I made it to the bottom and made my way over to him, sheer determination was etched on his masculine face.

I knew the minute I looked at the boy that there was no hope for him. I also knew at the same time that Ashe would not give up so easily. All I could do was hold the boy’s hand as Ashe tried like hell to come up with a way to save him, but it was too late.

Ashe’s facial expression is still torn between anger and pain. I reach out and place my hand on his leg. His eyes drop to my hand, but he makes no move to take it. As soon as the Jeep stops, he bounces out, headed straight for the tent. He delves straight into a surgery and so do I. I try to keep an eye on him, but my patient has just suffered a heart attack and requires my complete attention.

“Where is Ashe?” I ask Wren, as other doctors’ come to relieve us.

“I saw him leave a while ago. He looked exhausted. If I were him, I would be in a hot shower right about now.” He rips his scrubs off.

“He lost a kid today out there in the field. I think we need to keep an eye on him.”

“That’s always tough. Give me a second to wash up and we’ll go back to the hotel to check on him.”

He steps away and I take a minute to check in with my parents. A few moments later, he’s back and we’re climbing in the back of the Jeep to head to the hotel. Wren is chatting with Ander, updating him on today. I can’t help but worry about Ashe. I know he’s tough, but losing a kid? There’s nothing like that, no way to prepare for it.

“Hey, you okay?” Wren asks as he unclasps my knotted hands.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I give him a small smile.

“He will be fine. He’s probably sitting with his feet propped up and having a stiff drink by now.”

“I hope you’re right,” I say climbing out the back and almost running to the elevator.

“Slow down, Aedon!” Wren yells from behind me.

The elevator dings and I have to patiently stand off to the side to wait for a herd of people to exit. The last person barely steps out before I dash in, hitting the button several times.

As soon as the door opens, I run down the hall to Ashe’s room and beat on his door. “Ashe, are you in there?” I place my ear against it, but I don’t hear anything. “Where is he, damn it?” I smack the door.

“Maybe he’s in the shower. Let me call down and get the manager to open the door.” He tries to calm me.

I pace in front of the door until Wren gets off the phone. “He will send someone up here to let us in.” He places his hand on my arm to stop my pacing. “Ashe wouldn’t do anything stupid. He’s not the man he was when he tried to kill himself. He’s strong and has learned to handle himself better when things get tough.”

“I know, you’re right, but the look on his face scared me.”

The elevator door dings, calling our attention. An older gentleman in a black suit walks toward us. He nods in our direction and uses his master key to open the door. I rush inside. “Ashe!”

His clothes are in a pile on the bathroom floor and a towel is draped over the shower. I touch it and feel its dampness. “He’s been here.” I tell Wren as he walks into the bathroom.

“He must have stepped out because his keys and wallet are gone.”

I dig my phone out of my pocket, dialing his number. “He’s not answering.”

“I’ll see if Ander has heard from him.” He steps out of the room and I plop down on Ashe’s bed. He comes back in a few seconds later. “He hasn’t been able to get him to answer either.”

“Damn you, Ashe! Where the hell are you?”

“Maybe he’s eating and doesn’t want to answer his phone. The poor man hasn’t eaten in days.”

My eyes grow wide as I realize where he is. I hop off the bed, taking Wren with me. “I know where he went. The only time he doesn’t answer his phone is if he’s watching a movie. A movie calms him.” He walks behind me closing the hotel door as I link my Bluetooth with Ander. “Tell me where around here shows old movies and hasn’t been destroyed by the earthquake?” I hear his fingers clicking on the keyboard before he answers.

“There are two. I’ll send you the addresses.”

“Thanks.” I hear the notification chime in on my phone.

“Keep me posted,” he says, then disconnects.

As we make it to the bottom floor, I take Wren’s phone and plug in one of the addresses. “You go to this one. If he’s there, text me.”

“Are you sure you want to split up? Maybe we should let him watch his movie. He’ll come back on his own.”

“You can stay here if you want, but I’m going to find him.” I say, walking away. He catches me at the cab.

“I’ll go, just be careful.” He shuts the door and hails a cab.

I watch in the darkness as the driver diverts around the city. The power is still out in most of the areas. I know they work to get the most needed areas restored first. Military personnel are keeping looters out of the downtown areas. I flash my credentials when the cab driver stops at a building under heavy guard.

“You’re all clear Dr. Thatcher. Do you need an escort?” the armed soldier asks.

I tell him no and he waves us on.

I hardly notice that the cab driver has finally made it through town and onto an open road, oblivious to the outside world as my thoughts consume me. At some point, I’m going to have to admit to myself how much I still love Ashe. It wasn’t only the look on his face, I want to be with him, near him, and touching him. I’ve wanted it since the day I left him. That feeling has never faded for me. I’ve tried to squash everything I’ve felt for him the past several years. What would happen if I gave into those feelings? I close my eyes, trying to remember his touch on my skin. It gives me goosebumps. I know the taste of his lips on mine. I lick them in hopes of tasting him now. I remember all too well the feel of him inside of me. I squeeze my legs together to kill the ache that’s building.

Why can’t I have him? I think to myself. I already know the answer. If I fall for him and it doesn’t work out again, it will destroy any kind of relationship we have. I can’t risk losing him forever. At least now, I have a part of him. There may come a day I have to give him up for another woman. The thought of him touching another woman hurts deep inside. I occupy my mind with thoughts about the day’s events, of all the people we helped save, to keep thoughts of being alone at bay. I’m not really alone, I have my best friend Wren and my fucked-up relationship with Lucifer. I laugh at the reference he made for himself.

The cab stops, dragging me out of my thoughts. “This is the address,” the cabby says.

I jump out and hand him some cash through the window. “Thanks.”

I wrap my arms tight around myself and head inside the run-down theatre. The woman working at the door staunchly defends her post, not allowing me inside to look for Ashe without purchasing a ticket first. I walk into the dark theatre just as the credits are rolling across the screen, throwing just enough light for me to look around. I know if he’s here, he will be in the back row. Ascending several steps, I see his silhouette and dimly illuminated face sitting in the back, alone.