I tried Ashe’s phone several times last night, but he didn’t answer. I envisioned him sitting on his leather couch with a whiskey in one hand and his phone in the other. In my mind, he stared at it while it rang for the millionth time and then threw it across the room, shattering a mirror and the phone.

I laid in my bed bawling my eyes out, contemplating whether I should go to him or not. I got up and got dressed twice, but each time ended up convincing myself that he needed time. The third time I got dressed, I went to the movie house that he loves so much, expecting to find him there, but he wasn’t. I sat in the back row hoping he would come in at any moment, and instead ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, I was bunched up in the chair and one of Ashe’s old soft cotton rock and roll t-shirts was covering me. I sat there in the back of the dingy theatre, holding his shirt to my nose so I could smell him, feel close to him. I sobbed silently in the back row, all alone.

Now, I’m standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom, trying to hide the dark circles under my eyes. The tears have finally stopped flowing. I dab on some lip gloss and pull my hair into a messy bun. Instead of putting on a skirt and blouse, I pull on a pair of skinny jeans and throw on his t-shirt that he covered me with, and a pair of Keds. I’m determined to make this work with us. I can’t lose him again, I don’t think I’ll survive it.

I grab my bag and head out on foot to the office. People step aside for me on the sidewalk as I run at a full sprint towards my destination. My side throbs, but I ignore it. I bite at my pink nail polish as the elevator takes me to our floor.

Ander is sitting at his desk with earphones in, but no one else is here. I check my watch and see that it’s almost noon. Ashe is usually the first one in the office. Ander finally sees me and he yanks his earphones out.

“I didn’t think you were coming into the office this week. Ashe said you needed time to recover.”

My eyes gaze over at his desk. “Has he been here?”

He reaches in his desk and pulls out a white envelope. “He told me to give you this when you showed up.”

My hand shakes as I take it from him and I can feel my heart almost stop beating. “Has Wren been in?”

“He was here early this morning with Ashe when I came into work. They were both in the back corner having a heated conversation, but they got quiet when they saw me. Is there something I need to know?”

I tuck the envelope in my bag and pat him on the shoulder. “No, just a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.” I walk over to my desk to check for any messages on my computer.

“A misunderstanding like the two men you are partners with are both in love with you?”

I turn back around to see Ander turned in his chair looking at me. “Is that what you heard them saying?”

“Uh... no. That part was obvious.”

I lean back on the edge of my desk. Tears threaten to flow again. “I don’t know what to do.”

He gets up and stands in front of me. “I don’t have to ask which one you’re in love with, so I don’t understand why you don’t know what to do.” His hands go into his pockets. “Wren loves you, but he doesn’t have that empty place inside of him without you. Ashe…that man is empty without you. It’s in his face, his eyes, even in the way he moves.” He turns and walks back over to his desk. “He holds his breath every time you’re in the room. He takes you in before he can inhale his next breath. I wish I had someone that loved me that way.”

His attention to fine details of people shocks me. I step back over to his desk. “And me?”

He lets out a low chuckle. “You come across as this well-put-together woman, strong and independent on the outside, but I can see that your insides bleed with love for Ashe. When he stands next to you, your body instinctively turns toward him. Your porcelain skin turns a shade of pink. You try very hard not to show it, but I saw it the day we had our first dinner meeting. Your eyes danced every time he spoke. I’d see you try to right your shoulders trying to ignore the feelings you have for him, but it was there right under the surface.”

My mouth hangs open at his words, because everything he said is true. Every sarcastic remark I ever threw his way was to hide my real feelings like when he would watch my ass when I would walk in front of him. I wanted his eyes on me and I think he knew it.

“You are much wiser than you should be.”

“Do you want some advice?”

I nod.

“I’d get out of here and go find him before he disappears for good. If I were a betting man, I’d wager he’ll soon be on a plane out of here and handing you over to Wren. He’d rather bow out than cause you anymore pain.”

I nearly trip snatching my bag off my desk. Before I rush by Ander, I lean down and kiss his cheek. “Thank you,” I say and head for the elevator.

“I’ll expect a raise in my next paycheck for the therapy session,” he yells after me and winks. “Good luck,” he smiles and says before I get into the elevator.

I wave down a cab to take me to Ashe’s apartment complex. Lunchtime traffic has us almost at a standstill. I anxiously watch out the window as people stroll on the sidewalks looking at their cell phones, sipping their coffees, clueless as to the world around them. It hits me that Ashe must feel the same way when he is medicated. He watches the world go by behind a glass window, so close to the emotions, but never really able to reach out and touch them. He can long for them, wish for them, and come within inches of touching them, but he never really gets there. No wonder he hates taking them. For the first time ever, I understand where he’s coming from. It’s no wonder why when he goes off them he’s so intense. It has to be like experiencing something for the first time in a long time. I wish he could have that feeling every day, minus the lows, but there is no way to only control the lows and let him have his life back. My heart aches for him. He’s so brilliant and giving, it’s sad he’s so broken on the inside. I love him, with or without the meds. I’ll take his highs and lows as long as I can be with him. I’ve been such an idiot. I missed out on years of being with him because I’ve been afraid to be hurt rather than help him deal with his own pain. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do for the people we truly love?

“Stop here!” I yell. I can’t stand the slow pace anymore. I give the cab driver some cash and hop out, gripping my purse to my shoulder. I take off running and almost slam right into a parked car.

I don’t stop until I’m standing in front of his apartment building. “Hi, Carl.” I say, out of breath and in pain as he opens the door for me.

“Dr. Thatcher…” he calls after me but I keep moving and don’t stop until I’ve made it to his room.

“Ashe!” I yell as I pound on his door. “Damn it.” I dig through my purse and snag out a credit card, slipping it between the door and the lock. When it opens I burst through the door.

“Ashe!” There is no sign of him. I stand in front of his closet with my hands trembling. I’m terrified of what I won’t find on the other side. I open the door. His shirts and suits are neatly in place on one side. The other side is completely empty. His jeans and t-shirts are all gone. Hangers are lying on the floor next to his dress shoes.

“Think. Where did he go? Carl!” I take off back downstairs.

“Where did he go, Carl?” I’m frantic.

“He’s gone.”

“I know he’s gone.” I take a second to catch my breath. “Where did he go?”

“He didn’t say other than that he would be gone for a while.”

“Damn it! I really need to find him.”

“He said something about a flight out.”

“Taxi!” I yell. “Thank you, Carl.”

I yank open the door before the cab has fully stopped. “Airport, and hurry.” The cab driver squeals the tires. My phone is vibrating in my purse. “Ashe?” I ask without looking.

“No, it’s Wren. Ander told me you ran out of here.”

“Where did he go? Ander said you two were having a heated conversation when he came in today.”

“He didn’t say anything about leaving.”

“Were you arguing about me?”

He doesn’t say anything.

“I thought I made it clear that you and I will never happen. You need to let me go. Now, Ashe is headed God knows where.” I hang up.

My body trembles as we pull into the airport. I have no idea where he is going as I look at the departure board. I frantically look for the security check point. There are three lines full of people. I walk around the outside barrier looking for him, finally catching a glimpse of him on the other side of security. He is already leaning over picking up his carry-on bag from the conveyor belt.

“Ashe!” I yell and try to duck under the barrier, but a security guard stops me.

“Ma’am, you can’t go in there without a ticket.” He has me by the arm.

“I just need to talk to that man right there. Please,” I beg him.

“I’m sorry, it’s not allowed.” He guides me outside the barrier.

Ashe is staring at me when I look back in his direction. “Ashe! Wait, please!” I yell.

He throws his bag over his shoulder and starts to walk toward me, but stops short. One hand goes in his jean pocket and he looks down.

“Ashe, look at me,” I cry.

He looks up and I can see the mist in his eyes from where I stand. His lips mouth my name and then stop my heart, clearly saying ‘Goodbye’. I watch frozen in place as he turns and strides away.