“Give another round of epi and start a bicarb drip.” There is no way my patient is going to make it. My hands are literally wrapped around his heart trying to make it beat back to life. It’s sad really, Marco’s only forty-five years old and he’s been on a heart transplant list for over six months, waiting for his chance to live a little longer. There is no ‘longer’ for him. He’s been down too long. Even if I could save him, his brain has been without oxygen far too long now.

“Cancel those orders. It’s time to call it. Time of death: eleven fifty-eight P.M.” I peel off my gloves, throwing them in the piles of trash accumulated during surgery, along with my mask and surgical gown which is covered in my patient’s blood. Swinging the doors open, I go directly to the dictation office around the corner. I leave the lights off, letting my body slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the cold tile floor, and let the tears fall.

I hate losing a patient, especially someone that I’ve been working with for so long. I gave up my practice a few months back to join Ashe and Wren in this adventure. I’ve been working with this patient for years now. He’d had multiple surgeries by me, but nothing I ever did was going to change the fact he needed a new heart. I was only his Band-Aid. “Damn it!” I scream into the dark room.

I sit on the floor until my eyes dry. Reaching above me, I flick on the light. Anytime I lose a patient I want to talk to my mother. She always finds a way of comforting me. I hope that one day I can be half the mother she’s been to me. She’s gotten me through some pretty dark times with Ashe. I know on the outside I look like I have my shit together, but when it comes to him, but my heart thinks differently.

Using the desk for support, I get up off the floor and make my way to the doctors’ co-ed locker room. Taking my phone out of my locker, I call my mother. She’s always told me to call her anytime day or night. She’s never let me down yet.

“Are you okay?” her sleepy voice asks. “Did you lose a patient, or is it Ashe?”

“No, Mom, Ashe is fine.” She is the only person that knows how I really feel about him. I don’t know why I can’t get over my need for him. The feeling is like an ache deep down in my bones, like a nagging toothache. No matter how many times I’ve tried to pull away from him, I can’t. Or maybe I just need that ache inside. I could have chosen another path rather than going into business with him. He and I will never be a couple again, but at least I can keep an eye on him and know that he’s okay. I pushed him over the deep end once, I can’t watch it happen ever again.

“Was it Marco? Did he die?” She sounds like she’s up and moving now.

“Yes. I couldn’t save him.” My voice cracks. She and I have talked about him many times before when I thought he wouldn’t make it.

“You did the best you could. You gave him several extra years. I’m sorry, baby.” Her words always get to me.

“I know, Momma,” I sniff, wiping an escaping tear.

“Your dad and I are so proud of the work you do and the many lives you’ve saved. Those are the ones you have to remember.”

“You’re right, but tonight I want to feel sad about Marco.”

“You feel sad tonight and then tomorrow, pull your chin up and save more lives, like you always do.”

Wanting to change the subject, “Did you get the email I sent you confirming your flight to Washington DC?”

“I did. Your dad is so excited.”

Dad has always wanted to go to DC to tour the Capitol building, the Pentagon, and the museums. “I will only have meetings the first day. After that, I’ll be able to spend the rest of the week with the both of you.” Ashe and Wren hate politics, so they nominated me to represent our company to maintain our government license. I figured I would take advantage of it and take my mom and dad with me.

“I know you will be busy. We are more than capable of entertaining ourselves for a few hours.”

“It’s still over a month away. If I know Daddy, he’ll have a schedule all planned out for us.”

She laughs. “He’s been working on that since he found out you bought us tickets.”

A yawn creeps out. “I better go so you can go back to sleep. Thanks for always being there for me, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Be careful going home this time of night.”

“I will. Give Dad a kiss for me.” I quickly change clothes, putting on my running shoes. My apartment is only a mile from the hospital. Even though I’m tired, a run always helps with my mood.

Once the midnight air hits my face, I’m inspired to make my run a little longer. I go downtown to cross over by the water. The streets are never empty in New York City, even in the middle of the night. My ponytail sways back and forth as I pass over the brick bridge. I stop midway to look out over the water and spot a couple making out down at the water’s edge. My mind immediately goes to Ashe, like it always does. I smile at some of the memories my mind conjures up, but my heart aches. I fell in love with him the day I met him. He was such a geek at the time, but he was the shine in my life. We were both freshmen in med school. He was tall and cute, but not quite filled out yet. Who knew he would turn out to be such a hot alpha male? He started working out shortly after we met. I think he was trying to impress me. He became almost OCD about it, working out every morning before classes. It didn’t take him long to build muscles and become one of the hottest guys in school. I fell for his mind well before his newfound body, but God, did he look good.

He was so sweet in the beginning and extremely smart. I love a man with a sharp mind. The first time he kissed me, I was blown away. I couldn’t imagine how this young boy knew how to kiss so well. I fell as hard and as fast as he did. We had the same goals and were madly in love with one another. The sex was like nothing I could have ever dreamt of. He would have entire days where all he wanted was to consume me. I learned that I didn’t always like sex to be nice and easy. He became more aggressive in our lovemaking and I craved it from him constantly.

Then he would have days where he didn’t want to get out of bed. He would study, eat, and nothing else. One minute he was down and then the next it was like he was high on life. He would be social and hang out with his friends, partying. When I was around he’d act like I was the most important person in the world. We would spend hours talking about our future together and laughing at something crazy he did. He treated me like a princess. I was utterly in love with him. My parents adored him.

It wasn’t until we got further into our medical studies that I began to suspect there was something wrong with him. His lows were less frequent than his highs, but when they hit, he was a completely different person. He looked at me differently, even spoke to me differently. It was as if he would go out of his way to bring me down with him. I hated how it made me feel. I didn’t know what else to do at the time, so I held on for the ride until he was through it.

Things would go back to normal and I’d fall further in love with him. We ended up moving in together our second year of medical school and I truly believe that was the beginning of the end for us. I watched helplessly as his rollercoaster of emotions tore us apart. On his highs, he had to be the best at everything, and for the most part he was. He studied hard and played hard. Women loved him and the men wanted to be him. His ego grew like never before. He had been a small-town boy with nothing to get by on but his wits. Before he knew it, he had become such a talented man that he was constantly being sought after for his skills.

His ego is what brought us crashing down. He found out that my GPA was higher than his and it sent him spiraling out of control. He failed his first test ever after he went into one of his lows. When he came back up from it, he partied all night and I came home to find him with another woman pressed up against the wall. That’s the day my world fell apart. He never even knew I saw him. I remember running outside our little apartment and throwing up in the grass. It ripped my heart out. I never confronted him about it, despite Wren encouraging me to. Wren and I had been best friends for years and later he and Ashe would become good friends and roommates.

Our relationship didn’t last long after that. I finally made the decision to leave him and things got worse. Ashe overdosed on drugs and I found him near death. After that night, he promised he would get help, so I moved back in with him for a while. He started on medication, but didn’t like how it made him feel, so he quit taking it. That’s when I left for the last time. I couldn’t go through it with him again. But the thing is, I never stopped loving him or wanting him. No one compared to him after that. I lied and hurt him. I told him there was someone else. I didn’t know any other way out. I dove further into my studies and spent more and more time alone.

Wren and I grew closer and he would come over and hang out with me, but not talk about Ashe unless I asked. He admired Ashe for helping him, yet felt like a traitor to me for becoming friends with him after everything that had happened. I felt better, knowing Ashe had Wren in his life. By the time we graduated, we were all friends. My feelings for him had not really changed, but I wanted him in my life. I wanted to know that he was okay, so I was willing to be friends with him. His friendship at least filled that hole in my heart he created.

The three of us have managed to stay close. I almost ruined that one night when I saw Ashe out on a date. I ran to Wren. I didn’t tell him what happened, but I needed to be with someone that night and he was more than willing. Not meaning to, I hurt him. I never knew until then he had feelings for me other than friendship. I thought at one point early on I was in love with Wren, but I never felt for him the way I did Ashe. I think he always felt like a backup plan. Maybe he was right. He would be my second choice in life, but I wanted Ashe more than I ever wanted Wren. It took us awhile to get through it, but we did and I adore him.

Feeling the weight of the day creeping in, I make my way through the dimly-lit streets to my apartment building, where I want nothing more than to wash the day off of me and fall asleep as fast as possible.