Chapter Twenty-Six

The entire house was covered with lit candles. I didn't know a man even owned candles more or less hundreds. 

"I want tonight to be special."

I grabbed his face and stared directly into his eyes.

"You own my soul."

"If this makes you say that, wait until I get you upstairs."

He wiggled his eyebrows making me laugh.

"You weren't planning on feeding me first?"

"Oh, most definitely. You will need fuel for what I'm planning to do to you."

"Maybe we can eat later. That's sounding much better than food." 

His head fell back from laughter. 

"Come on. Believe me, you need to eat."

Dinner was amazing but what he did to me after was beyond expression. I will just say, everything he warned me of wasn't enough. He could fulfill every one of your desires and dreams, I know he surpassed mine. 

We were both left without the energy to move other than Jase pulling me into his arms before my eyes closed and I began to drift off to sleep. When I faintly heard him whisper, "I never want to let you go," I rolled over and kissed him, giving him everything I had.

"Then don't. Promise you will call me every day and in two weeks this will all be a memory of the past. We have our whole life ahead of us."

I was trying to stay positive when inside it was ripping me apart, and he knew it.

"This is going to be the roughest two weeks of my life."

"Mine too."

He looked down to me, and in his eyes I was lost forever.

"I love you, Red, with everything that I am."

My eyes closed again letting the meaning behind his words sink in. It never felt like endearing words really meant anything until he began to use them. As I thought of a way to express to him everything he meant to me, I began to fall asleep. There was always time in the morning. As long as I told him before I left was all that mattered to me. I could hear his breathing labor and knew I had lost my chance anyway, so I nuzzled into him and allowed the peaceful dream world pull me in also.

I heard him scream and then felt the weight of his body press down on me before his calloused hands wrapped around my neck.

I tried to fight the nightmare from taking over until I realized it wasn't a nightmare at all—it was my blood-curdling reality. My eyes flew open just as he began to squeeze. The force being applied was nothing short of an act of murder. He wanted whoever was in his head to die, and it was clear he was hell-bent to make that happen. 

I attempted to scream his name, but the pressure on my windpipe wouldn't allow it. I felt it compressing, tightening, as I fought for even the shallowest amount of air. I didn't know that kind of fear existed. I could feel my heart racing out of my chest but it was breaking at the same time. If he would only look at me, he would see clearly that what was happening in his head wasn't real, but that moment never came. He was trapped in his own nightmare and there was no way out.

I forced myself to react. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him but my life was dependent on waking him up which meant by any force necessary.

I hit him as hard as I could in the face, arms, back, anything I could connect with. Even bucking with my legs to throw him off my torso wouldn't work. The harder I fought, the tightness of his grip grew. I continued to throw as many punches as I could, doing anything possible to wake him up and keep him from killing me. It wasn't working. Flashbacks of my family, us, all the happiness in my life, flooded my mind as my body realized it was a losing battle. He was going to kill me. It’s not his fault kept repeatedly going through my head. He would never hurt me. He would protect me from anything. This isn't him.

Just as I was about to give up and give in to the darkness edging behind my eyes, his grip loosened. I used every ounce of strength I had remaining to shove him as hard as I could to the right and at the same time threw my body to left. It was my last chance for survival. With a loud thunk, his body hit the floor as I leapt from the bed. Standing in his room, I tried to calm myself, breathe, while I attempted to rub the soreness of my neck, but a full-blown panic attack had set in. If he got up and came after me again, I knew there was no chance I could escape alive. 

I ran. As fast as I could, I ran, down the steps and out the front door until I reached the grass. Once I felt the blades hit my feet, I fell to my knees as I screamed at the top of my lungs, "Why?" 

It didn't come out loud. If anything, it sounded like I was gurgling gravel. Staring back at the house, knowing he was inside, I just couldn't stay.  I ran to my car and threw it in reverse, skidding my tires on the blacktop as I drove away. Once I was on the road, I realized everyone I wanted to run to would blame him. The last thing he needed was judgement. What he needed was help.

I ended up going back to my house. I knew it was empty and no one would know I was there. After I threw it in park, I ran into the house and locked the door behind me. Pressing my hands against the back of the door, I waited. I don't know for what, but I couldn't move. My neck began to throb and everything came rushing back to me. His hands, how tight he squeezed, the way his eyes looked, as if they saw right through me. It’s not his fault. He would never hurt me. He would always protect me. Those words were beginning to mean less and less as I said them over and over. He could hurt me. He did hurt me. I feared him. I loved him. An internal war was raging inside of me, and I hated every moment of it. I just wanted to wake up in his arms and have him tell me this was my nightmare and not his.

It took convincing myself that I could handle whatever it was I would see as made my way to the bathroom to look in the mirror, but I couldn't bring myself to turn on the light switch. Standing there in the dark with my hands on the vanity, I tried, with everything in me I tried, but the fear took over me. I didn't want to believe he could ever hurt me even though I knew what the truth was. 

"Don't think about it just do it."

As I felt the switch move, I forced my eyes to close. 

"Pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it go away."

When I opened my eyes, I sucked in a breath so fast it caused me to choke and then vomit. I ran to the toilet and everything inside me was expelled. Collapsing on the floor, I cried out before I threw up again. I didn't need to look in the mirror again. What I had seen would be something I would never forget. There was no natural coloring left to the skin on my neck. It was completely black already.

Chills ran up my spine as an image of him showing up at my door, not understanding what had happened or why I left, ran through my head. I couldn't take the chance of that happening. I hurried to my feet and ran into my room grabbing clothes from drawers that I didn't care to bring with me. But underwear, I couldn't find any underwear. I ripped the drawer from the dresser and flipped it upside down, dumping all its contents on the floor. 

"Where the hell is some Goddamn underwear?"

Under a pile of socks, I saw the corner of an orange pair of panties peeking out. Quickly, I yanked them off the floor and put them on before pulling the jeans that had one to many holes in them over my hips. I didn't even look when I ripped a shirt from a hanger in the closest and threw it over my head. Looking around the room, there was nothing more that I needed.  What an oxymoron!  Nothing more that I needed? I needed anything and everything, and none of that was possible anymore. I needed Jase. My legs gave out as I crumbled to the floor, clutching onto the rug like it was somehow going to save me. 

Time wasn’t on my side, though, and I didn’t have the luxury of wallowing in my own self-pity. Forcing myself off the ground, I walked out of the front door and straight to my car and never looked back.

Sitting in the gate of the east terminal waiting for my flight, I tried my best to stop shaking. Occasionally, I would catch someone staring at me but they would quickly turn away, refusing to make eye contact. I had done my best trying to hide my scars with what I had to work with. All of my things were packed and going through my luggage wasn't a luxury I had time to take advantage of. My mother's fashion scarf was the only thing resting between the onlookers and what would possibly have Jase arrested. 

The only peace of mind I had was that the woman at the check-in counter worked magic. There was no hiding my panic when I rushed to the first available personnel and slammed my hands down on the counter. 

"I need to get to San Diego immediately."

She didn't move or say a word. Her eyes locked in on my hands that were shaking profusely as I did everything to keep them still, pressing them so hard against the counter that they began to change color. She reached out and picked them up before she looked me in the eye.

"I will do whatever it takes, hun."

Her hands left mine and then began typing on the keyboard. The clicking sound of her nails was almost calming as her eyes skimmed over the monitor. 

"Let's see here. We can get you on the direct flight leaving at eleven fifteen—"

She had no idea, but that flight was already paid for. "No, I need sooner."

She looked up at me and then nodded her head before she went back to her computer.  

"I have a flight leaving in forty minutes, but it has a layover in Denver. I can—"

"I'll take it."

"All right then, I just need to see your driver’s license. How will you be paying for this?"

They had called out boarding pass numbers A-1 through A-30 when I was pulled from my thoughts and got up from my seat to go stand in line. Everyone around me seemed to stare, making me paranoid. I shuffled with my scarf until it was up to my chin, trying to conceal my bruising in the hope that they would stop. Eventually, I pulled out my phone for a distraction. No one had attempted to call me yet. It was as if my prayers had been answered. If Jase was still asleep, I would have a chance. The line began to move and one by one, each person provided their boarding pass. I reached into my purse and pulled it out, sliding it underneath my phone. I glanced up and noticed we were getting closer to the attendant. Only four people to go. Three. And then I heard something I begged and pleaded to be in my head. I would take going crazy over what reality was handing me. 

"Red."

"This isn't happening. This can't be happening."

The shaking started in my kneecaps and moved over my whole body as I prayed he wouldn't find me. I scooted as close to the woman in front of me as possible trying to conceal myself and if anything, to get the line to move faster.

"Red."

Tears began to fall like a river down my face as I eagerly brushed them away. I couldn't let him see what he'd done. He would never forgive himself. 

"Ma’am, are you okay?"

The gentleman behind me asked, clearly seeing my state as uncharacteristically normal.

I couldn't take my focus off of the brown tattered boots the woman in front of me was wearing until they began to move forward. It all happened in slow motion as I watched her hand over her ticket and proceed down the jet way. It was finally my turn. I moved slowly toward the attendant holding my ticket out for him to scan it, trying everything to not draw any more attention to myself but clearly that was a losing battle when I heard him again. I jumped while I gasped for a breath, causing everyone around me to take notice. But this time it was different.  It wasn't the pleading sound of his voice or the desperation of it that tore into my heart and was ripping it apart from the inside. It was the first time he had ever used my name.

"Ssshhheelllvbbyyyy!"

I glanced up at the attendant in front of me and begged, "Am I good?"

He waved me off, and I all but ran down the jet way praying I wouldn't fall. When I reached the mass of people waiting to board the plane and couldn't advance, I felt scared and exposed. I quietly said, "Excuse me" and wedged myself between two larger men. Only then did I have the guts to look back. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw, though. 

Jase was right there, thirty feet from me, being held back by two security guards. But his eyes, the way he looked at me, it was like I had just broken his heart into a million pieces. What he didn't know was mine was in shreds.