Chapter Thirty-Five

Shelby

I woke that morning and opened my eyes to look at him peering back at me.

"Good morning, babe."

He smiled, but something in his eyes screamed trouble. I ran my hand over his chest, drawing circles with my nail, and said, "See, we did it. No bad dreams, no walking nightmares. We did it."

I felt his chest rise and fall before he looked up at the ceiling and said, "I didn't sleep."

I quickly sat up and looked at him closely. The bags under his eyes should have been a red flag when I woke. 

"Why?"

He refused to look at me and continued to take deep breaths.

"Because, I don't trust myself. I'm still not what you need me to be."

I was quick to argue, "That's insanity, Jase, you're everything I need."

He sat up but refused to look at me and said nothing. 

"Look at me."

He couldn't. I could see the internal war waging inside of him, and I needed to stop it before he shut me out completely. 

"I know what you need to hear from me. That I understand what you have ahead of you and that it might not ever be different."

For the first time since after I woke, he met me with his eyes.

"I'm not on a suicide mission, Jase. I don't want you to hurt me, either. But there's something we both are missing. I mean, it's not like every time we're together you wake up in the middle of the night thrashing around. I have only seen it twice. I know it’s happened more often than that and I hate that you are forced to deal with it but I will never give up on us even if I can’t understand thoroughly what it is you went through. It seems stress and anxiety brought on the two I saw. And clearly you can't avoid those, but maybe, I don't know, are there medications to help? Have they tried anything?"

His eyes wandered for a minute making me worried I might have overstepped, but when they came back to me, they were solid.

"No, they haven't. And I think you're on to something."

I had no idea how. I had been talking without thought the whole time. 

"What do you mean?"

"Not the medication part. I've looked up if that works and they say there is no proof but I really never thought about what kind of day I had before the nightmares."

"Well, it’s not like you can avoid stress. I mean, everybody deals with it at some point."

"Yeah, but anxiety is something altogether different. If that's what is, anyway."

"We can only hope. I want you to get better. I want you with me."

"Red, there's nothing I want more."

We stayed in bed for the bulk of the morning doing anything and everything to make each other smile. Knowing I was going to go back to the hospital to see Dylan and spend the evening with my mother, our time together was about to end. 

"Tell me how much you love me."

He laughed and teased, "Are you getting needy on me?"

"No, I just thought you could stock up my storage bank for when I need to hear it and can't."

"There will never be a time I can't tell you."

"Appease me."

"No. You're putting me on the spot and I feel like a pussy already with this Goddamn perma-grin."

I spun around and straddled him.

"You will tell me or—"

"Or what?"

I had nothing.  It wasn't like I could keep sex from him. Feeling defeated, I opened my mouth to say I give up when he began.

"I love you like the stars on a clear night. Like the rain that cools off a hot day. Like finding money in your pant pocket after doing laundry.  Like a fresh shower after a hard day at work. Like the first flower you see in the spring or the color of leaves in autumn before they all fall off for winter."

I threw my hand over his mouth to stop him before I had the most embarrassing ugly cry for him to witness. No one had ever said anything like that to me before, but that didn't shock me. He couldn't be matched. There was only one Jase, and he was mine. Whether we had more time or only seconds left, it would never be enough.

I had Jase drop me off at the hospital to visit with Arianna and Canyon, but mainly I wanted to hold my favorite youngest nephew. That boy looked so much like his big brother even his own parents couldn't believe it. My mom met me up there with the kids and all seven of us hung out and shared stories. My rendition of the delivery seemed to be the favorite. Canyon decided he'd had enough of the couch bed and wanted a shower, so he took the little ones home which left us girls. I couldn't tell you the last time the three of us were alone with no distractions. All we were missing was the homemade cookies. Dylan slept the majority of the time so my mom took one side of the bed and I took the other, sandwiching my sister in the middle. They both asked me about Jase and how things were going. I had never kept anything from them and explained what Jase was doing to try to get help. They both shared the same hope that someday we would be able to be like every other couple and live together and made sure to remind me how much they adored him for his hard work. 

By the end of the night, all three of us were exhausted and ready for sleep. I kissed Arianna goodbye and thanked her for including me. She promised to send me lots of pictures and updates. My mom and I left her to get some rest and made our way down the hall before she stopped me and said, "I know I promised them, but I just don't see any reason not to."

"Mom, what are you talking about?"

"Tomorrow morning, would you rather Jase take you to the airport?"

I didn't respond, but rather jumped up and down and wrapped my arms around her.

"Thank you, Mom, so much."

"Now, don't think this means you can start sneaking around. You'll stay with me tonight and he can come get you in the morning. I just don't see any threat during the damn day, and I think Canyon is overreacting a little. But don't tell your sister any of this."

"Your secret is safe with me."

I had breakfast with my mother and reassured her I would be back for her wedding in eight months. She seemed to act like California was so far away, even after I pointed out that I was in Montana at the moment. I missed all of them being away but times like those made me appreciate them that much more.

Jase came to pick me up hours before my flight. Knowing my mother was responsible for allowing the extra time together, he let go of his fear of her. The three of us sat around her kitchen table while she told stories we both had forgotten about our childhood. We laughed uncontrollably and at times turned beet red from embarrassment. All in all, it was great seeing the two of them get along so well. 

My mom walked us out to his truck when the time came for us to leave and wished us both well, giving out hugs to each of us before she kissed me goodbye and we drove off. The ride to the airport was kind of a quiet one. I had hoped for more great memories but I think it was more of a somber time. There's nothing worse than saying goodbye to someone who should be by your side.

When we got to the airport, Jase parked the truck and carried my bags for me to check in. Knowing it was time to say our final goodbye; I turned to him and couldn't control my tears. Just spending the hours we had together over my visit made leaving that much harder, even though I knew the whole time the moment was coming. Jase stayed strong and promised he would see me soon, but we both knew that wasn't guaranteed. 

"Listen, Red, I need you to smile for me. I can't walk away without it. Can you do that for me?"

His eyes were teetering on spilling over so I knew what he was asking for meant. My mouth opened, but a smile, it was the hardest thing to muster. I did it, though. I would do anything for him. 

"There's my beautiful girl."

He kissed me tenderly and then pulled back just enough to plant one on the tip of my nose before he spoke my favorite words coming from him. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He held my hands in his, and even though it was time for me to go inside, he didn't let go. I knew it was me who needed to be the strong one then. He couldn't let me go.

"Jase, I have to go."

The hold he had on me tightened. 

"I know you do."

We stood there, transfixed of one another, hoping somehow a miracle could happen and all of our problems could be washed away. Inevitably, we were forced to face the truth. His fingers left mine as he took a step back from me, ran his hands over his face, and simply said, "Call me when you land. I love you, Red,” before he turned and walked across the street, leaving me all alone once again.