Olivia knew she’d made a mistake, but she’d gotten used to making them. After all, she couldn’t quite help herself when it came to Derek, and that was something she knew would have to change.
Was she going to meet him in a week? She didn’t know, but part of her understood she wouldn’t have a choice. Even if she didn’t touch him, even if she didn’t let herself break for him, she’d still have to tell him the truth. She should have done it already when he came by her house the week before, but she hadn’t been thinking clearly. She’d been in shock at just seeing him again, at knowing that they had yet another connection she didn’t know about, so much so that she’d lost the words she needed to say to him.
And that made her a horrible person.
She’d even been avoiding Austin and Sierra of late, telling herself that she needed to work and had hidden herself inside, ordering groceries and other things for the house so she didn’t chance seeing them and somehow telling them everything she’d done. The connections were too clear now, the ties that bound them together fraying at the edges now that she knew that the Montgomerys were part of Derek’s world.
Derek was going to hate her even more now, but there was nothing to be done about it. She’d made her bed, slept in it with Derek, and now she would have to lie in it until the end of her days, knowing what she’d done.
And because she knew she’d burst if she didn’t let at least something out of her soon, she picked up her phone and called Alice. Her friend and author was the one who usually called, with Olivia rarely making the calls herself, but desperate times called for desperate measures—and phone calls. As it was, whenever Alice called, Olivia was able to get whatever she needed to off her chest anyway. Alice knew her so well that the calls always came when they needed to. Today, however, she couldn’t wait for her friend.
“What’s wrong?” Alice didn’t pull any punches and, apparently, the other woman knew something had to be up for Olivia to be the one to initiate the call.
“Nothing.” Olivia let out a breath. “Okay, that was a total lie. I need to talk to someone about everything going on, but it’s a long story, and I feel like I’m making something huge out of nothing or I’m not taking it seriously enough. I need help, Alice.”
“Talk to me.”
Alice lived across the country so it wasn’t as if she could come over in a pinch and have a drink with Olivia like she might have wanted to if she had a core group of friends in town. Her business meant that she was constantly online and made friends that were true friends and closer to her than some of her friends in real life, though. But it also meant that having meet-ups that had nothing to do with work trips didn’t really happen. Calling Alice from across the country was one of the only ways Olivia would be able to have a friend in her life for advice. That fact kind of saddened her, but that was the country they were living in now, and she would cope.
If she could figure out what to do about Derek, that was.
“Remember what I couldn’t talk about before?”
“I do. Are you ready now?”
“I think I have to be. But if you’re working—”
“I’m always working. Same as you. But I’m here for you. Talk, Olivia. What’s wrong?”
And that was the thing about her friend. They both worked far too much for their own reasons, but Alice’s husband supported the time she put into the career that was part of both of their lives. Olivia only had herself and her own timelines to worry about.
And that seemed to be enough for her. Or, at least, it had been.
“I met a man.”
“Oh?”
“I…well, I met this man, Derek, four years ago.” Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose. She still couldn’t quite believe that it had been four years since she first saw the man who would change her life, even if she didn’t realize it at the time.
“Derek? I like the name. Very hero worthy.”
“You could say that. Only I didn’t know his name was Derek until a little less than a month ago.” She paused while Alice went silent. So quiet, and so unlike the other woman that Olivia was afraid she’d shocked her. “Alice?”
“I’m waiting for the rest. You just found out his name? Interesting. Now, tell me. Everything. Okay? Just let it all out, and I promise not to judge. But it sounds to me like you’re going around the main issue because you’re scared and you don’t know what to do with the pieces you have. I’m your author. You’re my editor. I’m usually the one who gives you the pieces while you help me arrange them. How about we switch it up for now?”
And this was why she’d called Alice. Her friend understood, even if Olivia didn’t.
“I met Derek in a hotel bar four years ago. I’d been out on a blind date that ended ten minutes in when I found out he was married. The fact that it was a blind date at a four-star restaurant in a hotel seems a bit slimy now, but for some reason, I didn’t think it was weird then. The woman that set me up—a friend who is no longer a friend—had thought the divorce was final. Not so much. So, I took myself to the bar after throwing my martini in the guy’s face. I needed a second drink at that point and just wanted some peace to try and forget men and their horrible ways and just be before I headed home.”
“Asshole.”
“Indeed. I have no idea if the guy is still married or not, but it doesn’t matter anyway. He’s out of my life, and I hope his wife is okay because he really was an asshole. Where was I? Oh, yeah, so I was at the bar, and a man in dark jeans, a blue Henley, and a sexy beard comes up to me, taking the last seat at the bar. He was broad-shouldered, sexy as hell, and had a deep voice that went straight to the right places.”
Alice gave a smoky laugh, and Olivia realized exactly how detailed she’d been just then. Apparently, Derek brought that out in her even when he wasn’t near.
“We didn’t speak for a few moments until he finally turned and smiled.” She paused, remembering even as her heart ached. She loved that smile. Loved him if she were being honest. And she could never see him again. “I don’t remember exactly what we said that first time. But we talked for over an hour and had more than a few drinks. He said he was visiting, though I didn’t ask from where.” She figured now that he’d most likely been at the hotel traveling for his job, but she really didn’t know. She hadn’t asked and was afraid she never would. Though now that she thought about it, there had been a tattoo convention near, so maybe he’d been staying for that and not just the shop?
“Somehow, we ended up in his hotel room.”
“Damn, girl.”
“I know. It was so unlike me. It’s still so unlike me. And when we were through with each other, he said he wanted to see me again but couldn’t until he came back to town. So we promised to meet again the next month. Same time. Same place. We made our promises to ourselves, no names, just sex, just time. And we kept with it for four years without missing a month. I can’t believe we made it last as long as we did without finding out more about each other, but we did. And now…and now it’s crazy.”
“You called him Derek. So you must know his name now.”
“He asked me to call him by his name this last time.” She paused. “And that’s how I realized I knew him.”
Alice paused. “You know him? Of course you do. You’ve been sleeping with him for four years. I’m not judging. You know I wouldn’t because what you’re doing is damn hot and I know you’re being careful because you wouldn’t be Olivia if you weren’t, so there must be something to it.”
“I know him from when I was younger. Much younger. I didn’t realize it was him because of the beard and, honestly, I never thought I’d see the Derek I knew again. He doesn’t recognize me, though. I don’t know why he would. It’s been so long.”
“And that means you can’t see him again? Because, from the way you’re sounding, I have a feeling you want to run away from him and what you could have.”
Alice knew her far too well. “There are things…there are things I need to tell him before I tell anyone else. Reasons why I never should have been with him. Why I can’t be with him again. I’ll tell him. I have to. But I just don’t know how.”
Then she told Alice about the fact that Derek knew her neighbor and how he’d come over and that everything seemed to be falling apart around her. She was her own undoing, and she had to figure out the next step.
“Damn, girl. You have your work cut out for you. You sound like someone I’d write. And you know what the next page would be?”
“No, I’m the editor, not the author.”
“You’re the heroine, Olivia. Be heroic. Take a stand. Go to him on the day you’re supposed to meet him and tell him what you need to. Maybe he’ll be okay with whatever it is. Maybe he won’t. But you owe it to yourself and possibly even him to make it right. Tell him. Take away that burden, and maybe you’ll end up with the happiness I know you’ve always wanted.”
Tears slid down Olivia’s cheeks, and she quickly wiped them away. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel like there’s so much on my chest, so much pressure, and yet it’s not a huge thing in the grand scheme of things. It’s not anything that’s going to destroy someone’s world.” Only hers and perhaps Derek’s. “I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I shouldn’t feel like everything’s coming down on top of me.”
“You’re allowed to feel how you feel. Just because it’s only part of your life and now Derek’s, doesn’t mean it’s not important. If it affects you, then it’s important. You’re allowed to dwell. Now, go take a bath, read a book that has nothing to do with work, and think about what you’re going to wear for your night. And, Olivia? I’ll want more details when you’re ready. I love you, babe. And I want to thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this part.”
Olivia whispered her love and hung up, wondering what she was going to do next. She hated feeling out of sorts, hated wondering if she was making the right choices. She’d made the wrong choice years ago, and now she was having to face that once again.
Maybe she’d take that bath and let her mind wander to a book and not the man who crept into her dreams every night. Or maybe she’d dwell again and want to stay in the tub until it was ice-cold and her thoughts wrapped around her until she couldn’t breathe.
With an annoyed sigh at the thoughts and feelings running through her, she went to her bathroom and started her bath. She’d pop on an audiobook and soak and maybe try to get her life together because she needed to make a choice, damn it. It was about time she came clean and told Derek that she knew him beyond their meeting four years ago and exactly how their paths had crossed. He’d hate her, but then again, she couldn’t blame him.
By the time she had her glass of wine and her audiobook going, the tub was full, and she slid into the too-hot water, knowing it would cool quickly. She didn’t have jets, but she could at least soak for an hour or two, and the tub was deep enough to cover her knees and boobs at the same time. It was the best bathtub she could have without going too expensive and fancy, and it was hers. It counted.
With her eyes closed, she tried to just be in the moment and listen to her book. Trying not to worry about what she needed to tell Derek and how that would all go down in the end, however, wasn’t easy. But she tried.
So she let the hot water overheat her skin, let the romance novel on her speakers fill her thoughts, and when she got to an overly steamy part, she slid her hand out of the water, tried her best to dry it, and paused the audio book since she could only think about Derek and his very nice hands right then. He didn’t deserve her thinking about him when she was feeling like this, achy and hot—not until he knew the truth. Yes, she’d made herself come countless times before while thinking of him, but that was when he’d been D, not Derek.
Her Derek.
No, he wasn’t her Derek. He hadn’t been before, and he never would be. And the sooner she got that through her head, the better.
With a sigh, she got out the tub, knowing it wasn’t much use anymore. She’d just lie there thinking about what she couldn’t change and feel like a damn idiot. So she let out the now cooling water, dried off, and grabbed her phone. It was getting late, so she might as well lie in bed and read a book since she usually had one on her tablet and one on her audio app all the time. She was a reader and couldn’t help the fact that she constantly had books surrounding her.
And because she hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours at a time for the past week, she fell asleep with her tablet on her chest and the lights still on. She hadn’t even done her nightly routine, but sleep had taken over.
As did the nightmares.
She had them from time to time and knew she’d never be able to stop them. They always hit her full force when they did come. Sometimes, she was back in the body of her younger self, watching the world shift on its axis without her being able to change her actions. Other times, she was herself as an adult, watching two young girls play in the sunlight, laughing and smiling. Then the shadows would come, and there would be no more laughter, no more smiles.
Only screams.
Only agony.
Only nothingness.
Like the other times she’d had those nightmares, Olivia sat straight up in bed, her body drenched in sweat, tablet crashing to the floor, and the scream tearing from her throat loud enough that anyone near her who was still awake would have been able to hear it.
But there was no one near.
There never was.
Because she was alone. Just like she had to be. Just like she always would be.
And next week when she saw Derek again, she would tell him about her dreams and explain it all. He deserved to know the truth, deserved to know that the woman he’d held in his arms for all this time wasn’t who he thought she was.
After all, he wasn’t who she’d thought he was either.
He was so much more…and that meant it would have to be the end.
Inevitably.