Olivia had known the night before could’ve gone worse, but she wasn’t sure how. Well, Derek could have thrown something, could have yelled, could have done a lot more than he did. But that wasn’t him. He’d asked the questions he needed to, the ones that had come to him in the moment, then he’d left without a word, leaving her alone in the hotel room where any other time they would have shared each other’s bodies and learned little snippets of who they were.
Because she knew she’d been lying to herself when she thought she hadn’t given him a part of herself along the way. She might not have known every detail, but she knew the heart of him and knew she’d been transparent enough for him to learn the heart of her.
They’d known each other despite the rules.
She’d fallen for him against her subconscious wishes and surely against his, as well.
And he’d left. But it wasn’t as if she could blame him. She’d gone through what felt like her entire life learning not to blame herself—at least not entirely—for what had happened with Stacey, but seeing Derek again, knowing who he was, had forced her to revert back to the young girl who only blamed herself.
She’d had therapy, she’d talked through her feelings until she was a wrung-out shell learning to fill herself back up with a new version of who she could and should be. But one breath, one look at Derek, and she was back to the girl with daisy chains on her head, chasing butterflies with her best friend. Then, the next breath, she was no longer the woman who had found her strength, but the younger woman, the child, who couldn’t sleep without screaming.
Olivia let out a breath before running her hand through her hair, undoing the clip in the back. Then, she shook her hair out before twisting it back up so it lay in spirals around her head. She hadn’t bothered to blow it out after the shower, so now it was in partial waves and curls with a few straight parts to round out the bunch. Hence why she tried not to wash her hair as much as possible.
And if she thought about her hair and cleaning habits, she wouldn’t think about Derek, Stacey, or any work she needed to do. Because heartbreak wasn’t an actual excuse to miss her deadlines. Her authors were counting on her, so it wasn’t as if she could put her emptiness into an email and make them understand.
Her authors wrote romance.
But Olivia didn’t live it.
Clearly.
She’d known she wouldn’t be enough, but that was okay, that was her lot in life, and she’d move on eventually. She’d find something else to do on those nights she’d always looked forward to. Once she could stand straight again without wanting to break down, she’d roll her shoulders back and perhaps leave the house for longer than it took to get her delivery from her porch.
She’d be the Olivia who she needed to be again because that was the only answer for her.
She just needed to not feel as if she were dying inside first.
“One step at a time,” she whispered to herself, then opened her laptop. She had a final read-through to complete and couldn’t do that if she hadn’t even opened the file.
Thankfully, her phone buzzed at that exact instant, so she didn’t have to bother trying to see the screen through tear-filled eyes.
“Alice.” Her voice didn’t crack, so she counted that as a win. She ignored the fact that it sounded hollow, however. Alice would be able to tell her mood well enough from the lack of emotion anyway.
“Do I need to fly there? Because you sound like I need to fly there. I have the miles. We’ll sit and drink and work because we’re workaholics and know nothing else, but I’ll be right by your side.”
At that, Olivia broke down into tears, great hiccupping sobs that she knew she’d feel later once the numbness lifted from her chest. She’d texted Alice the night before, telling her friend that Derek had left. She hadn’t wanted Alice to worry but hadn’t been able to find the words to say anything else.
Olivia’s body shook, and she swallowed hard, trying to catch her breath, but the tears felt good even as they ripped at the part of her she’d been trying to hide, the part that was raw and aching and just wanted to be loved. She’d always hated that part of herself, had felt as if it were weak. But she was wrong.
She was stronger with it, and now she wasn’t sure what would happen to that layer when she escaped from the ashes of this moment.
“You better, baby?” Alice asked, her voice soft. “Get it out. Cry all you want, all you need to, and I’ll be here. I’ll be there, too. If you need me. Just say the word. I won’t rush you, but I’m always here for you.”
“I don’t know why I’m crying. It was just sex, right? It shouldn’t have meant anything.”
“That’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told me, Olivia. He was more than a single night a month. More than sex. If he’d just been sex, you’d have mentioned him in passing at least once over the course of your relationship with him. The fact that you didn’t tells me you needed and wanted to keep him close to your heart. I get that. I truly do. He was yours, and he meant more than sex. Not that there’s not emotion and need in sex, I know that more than most, but that’s not what you had with Derek. At least not all of it. You might have held back your names, but I don’t think you held back much else—no matter how hard you tried.”
“I was just coming to that realization myself.”
“That’s good. Now you know why you’re hurting. You’re mourning the loss of a relationship that was far different than the label you put on it, and in doing so, you’re bringing back all those memories you’ve fought so hard to not only forget, but also work through. You’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to rage. You’re allowed to do what you need to do. You told me you didn’t want to continue as you were with Derek without him knowing about your past. Now he knows. The thing is, I don’t know what reaction I expected since I don’t know him.”
Alice sighed, and Olivia wiped the tears from her face and filled her friend in on everything she hadn’t told her before.
“I think he reacted exactly how I thought he would. Exactly how the Derek I’ve grown to know would. I don’t know if he blames me for what happened to Stacey and, honestly, I think he believed me when I told him I didn’t know our other connection until that night last month, but the thing is, that’s not everything. He could look at me and see Stacey every single instance, and that will color every interaction we have until the end of time. And I don’t think we’re going to get that time. The thing is, it hurts. I hate it. But it’s not like I can force myself into the situation. I didn’t do anything wrong.” She paused, let out a breath as the realization settled over her. “I didn’t do anything wrong, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work out with Derek. There are so many complications, it’s not even funny. He might have told me before I told him the truth that he wanted more, but that was without all the facts. And he’s not calling me or at my door so…”
“He doesn’t have your number, baby.”
“He could have gotten it from Austin. And he knows where I live. The ball is literally in his court, and even though it’s killing me, I don’t think I’d blame him if he wants to stay away. It’s a lot.”
“Then know you’re the Olivia you need to be. It sucks. I don’t have better words, and I’m an author, so you would think I’d be the one to come through for you with that, but it just sucks. I’m so sorry, hon. I hope he comes out of his shock and finds you, but if he can’t or if you can’t, then just…just be. Love you, Liv.”
Alice never called her Liv since the author tended to hate nicknames, but today was a weird day, and their phone call wasn’t easy.
“Thanks, Alice. For everything. And love you, too.”
“Always, baby girl.”
Olivia hung up and let out a breath. The screen in front of her had turned dark since she hadn’t used it for too long, and she tried not to think if that was some form of metaphor for her life. Her life wasn’t dark, her end wasn’t near. She’d keep moving, just a little more bruised and battered than she was before.
The knock on the door pulled her from her thoughts, and she almost dropped her phone and her computer from her lap. She didn’t know who could be at her door since she wasn’t expecting a delivery, but there were always times when she forgot she had ordered something online.
She was only wearing old leggings with a tank and a sports bra since she had the hilarious idea that she’d go jogging later to work off some stress. Maybe run from her own demons if possible. Sure, like that would ever happen with her oncoming headache. Hopefully, the delivery man wouldn’t mind her outfit.
When she went to open the door, however, it wasn’t a delivery man or the one person a tiny part of her had wanted it to be—the part that pulled at her stomach and made her ache.
“Sierra. Is everything okay with the kids? Austin?”
Sierra Montgomery stood on her doorstep, looking wonderfully put-together as always and holding a plate of what looked like cheesecake brownies.
“Hey there. Can I come in? I won’t take long, but I have sugar and hugs, and I think you could use both.”
Of course, Sierra would know. Derek and Austin were friends, close friends, apparently, and Austin would tell Sierra if he knew.
So Olivia took a step back and braced herself for what was to come.
“I’m glad the boys are okay then,” Olivia said woodenly, her eyes on the brownies and not Sierra. She hadn’t eaten all day, and she was suddenly ravenous.
“They’re great. Leif is getting all deep-voiced with the cracking, and it’s adorable and scary. Colin is all smiles and laughter, and I never want that to stop. Austin? Well, Austin is part of the reason I’m here. Can I sit? The brownies are for you.”
“Oh! I’m sorry, take a seat.” They both sat on the couch, and each took a brownie. Olivia did her best not to make moaning sounds, but it was difficult.
“I’m going to tell you that these are not my brownies. Hailey from Taboo, the café next to the tattoo shop, made them and gave them to me for you.”
Olivia’s eyes popped up. “She knows me?”
Sierra shook her head. “No, but, apparently, Derek looked like he’d been kicked in the gut today at work, and Hailey gave half of the brownies to Derek to cheer him up, then Austin asked for the rest for you. Austin told Hailey and then me that the only reason Derek would look the way he did today was because of you, and that meant you deserved them, too.” Sierra winced. “I don’t know what happened, hon, and I’m sorry that I’ve been so busy I haven’t been around to find out more. Yes, Austin and Derek are friends, but I don’t want you to think that you’re alone. Derek has been tight-lipped over the years, so I don’t know him as well as I do some of the other artists. The fact that you and he seem to know each other shocked me as much as it did Austin.”
“Small world and all that.” Olivia played with the edge of her brownie, no longer hungry.
“Too small sometimes, and I get that. Before I married into the Montgomerys, I held everything back and tried not to let the world in. I was safer that way. I’m not saying that was wrong either, but I’m glad I changed the way I did when I met the Montgomerys. Derek isn’t a Montgomery. He’s always seemed open about who he is, but he’s also been good about keeping parts of himself hidden. I get that. It’s his business, and we Montgomerys can’t make everyone spill their secrets.”
Olivia snorted at that. “You’re pretty good at trying, though.”
Sierra just smiled. “True. I’m going to leave the brownies with you, and I won’t pry. Just know that Derek looks like...well, Austin said he looked like he was hurting, and now that I’m looking at you, I’m going to tell you that you look the same. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t know if I can help, but I’m here if you need me. I’ll leave you be with the chocolate, and when and if you’re ready, know I’m right next door.”
And with that, the other woman hugged her tightly and walked out the front door without another word, leaving Olivia standing there, wondering what the hell had happened.
The Montgomerys might not know what was going on between Olivia and Derek, but they were still trying to help, and that meant more than she could say. But she didn’t know what she thought about everything else.
Derek was hurting? Of course he was, she’d known as much by the way he looked in the hotel room.
But what could she do about it?
She’d told the truth, and they’d both ended up hurt.
Now, she just had to find a way to move on.
Without him.
Someone knocked on the door again, and Olivia assumed Sierra must have forgotten something. She did a quick look around to see if the other woman had dropped something, but she didn’t see anything. Maybe she had a few more words for Olivia and, honestly, she didn’t mind since she liked the other woman.
“Did you forget something?” Olivia asked as she opened the door and froze, her palms going damp, and her hands shaking.
It wasn’t Sierra.
No, it wasn’t Sierra at all.
“Derek,” she croaked. This couldn’t be real. He couldn’t be on her doorstep when she was trying to get over what they could have had. She was going to be just fine without him, but he couldn’t be near her if that was going to happen.
But he was here.
Why was he here?
She couldn’t hope. She couldn’t dream. And right then, she couldn’t even breathe.
“Olivia.” He cleared his throat. “Can I come in? I think we should talk.”
Without words, she took a step back and let him in. The door closed behind them both, and she turned to him, holding her hands close to her stomach.
Then she blinked.
Because Derek was in her house. Her home.
And she had no idea what might happen next.