As the lights dimmed, it plunged the auditorium into darkness. The twangy introductory music came on, signaling the start of the show. Closing my eyes, I desperately prayed for strength to make it through the night. Everything within me felt raw and ravaged. I would have given everything I had to be miles and miles away from here.

It wasn’t just about the agonizing anticipation of what Jack’s tribute might be like. Something was weighing much heavier on my heart and my mind. It had been brought on by the incessant questions by the reporters about the status of Eli’s and my relationship. After working overtime to set them straight, I had realized I needed to somehow do the same with Eli.

Although I had tiptoed around coming out and actually saying there could never be anything more between us, I knew Eli realized what I was alluding to. The struggle and pain in his eyes had gutted me. But then it hadn’t made me feel better when he agreed with me. “Exactly. I mean, we are performers, and the video was just another form of performance.”

Just another performance. No, it hadn’t been that for me. It had felt natural and right, and it was no wonder that’s what fans saw as well. There was a ridiculous voice in my head that wanted Eli to fight for me. To argue that come hell or high water we should give a romantic relationship a try.

But he didn’t.

And now it felt like the walls were caving in around me. I didn’t know how to deal with the swirling storm when I couldn’t talk to Eli. Although I should have called my therapist or confided in someone on the road, I kept everything buried deep inside. In the end, the flicker of our changing relationship had turned into an inferno that threatened to engulf us, and after I feared we’d be consumed, I’d sacrificed my heart.

But in spite of all the emotional turmoil I was experiencing, I wouldn’t allow myself to fall apart. Not here. Not now. Not yet. I owed it to both the band and myself to keep it together. I shut out the clamoring negativity in my mind and focused on the show.

It became easy to lose myself in the musical performances and awards. When Gabe’s name was announced for Songwriter of the Year, I became a happy, blubbering mess when he broke down on stage thanking Rae for being his ray of light. I couldn’t have been happier for any two people than I was for them.

In the euphoria for Jacob’s Ladder’s success, I’d almost forgotten Jack’s tribute. But before the remaining three awards were announced, the president of the CMA came out on stage with a somber expression. “This year the academy lost one of its greatest songwriting talents. Jack Wallace penned more than twenty number one hits for country’s biggest stars. His songs were filled with the hardships of day to day life as well as the highs and lows of love and marriage. Within even the most heartbreaking lyrics, one could find hope. Tonight we honor his memory.”

The lights darkened in the auditorium, causing my breath to hitch. At the sight of Jack’s smiling face on the enormous screen, a crack began in the emotional foundation I’d built since his death. When his voice filled my ears, the crack became a crevasse. “Songbird, spread your wings against the sky,” he sang.

In spite of all the confusion between us, Eli found my hand in the dark. He took it in his and gave it a comforting squeeze. The simple gesture sent tears cascading down my cheeks. In that moment, I didn’t know who I was weeping for: Jack or Eli.

After the video ended and the lights began to come on, Eli turned in his seat and then draped his suit jacket over me like he had teasingly suggested before. “Have some fucking decency, man,” he snarled. I knew he was addressing the cameraman who had been sent to capture my reaction to the tribute. Thankfully, Eli had managed to block any access, and anyone watching at home would be stuck with an image of me shrouded by Eli’s jacket.

Another presenter came out, and thankfully, my grief was forgotten. After Eli took his jacket away, he gave me a sheepish grin. “I was starting to think I might be suffocating you.”

I hiccupped a laugh. “No. It was fine.” With the tips of my fingers, I swiped the remaining tears away. Before I completely sat up, I turned my head toward him. “Is my makeup everywhere?”

Eli peered at me. “No. It looks fine.”

“You’re sure I don’t look like a crazed raccoon?”

He grinned. “Maybe a beautiful raccoon, not a crazed one.”

“Seriously?”

“No. You’re fine. I promise.”

After fluffing my hair out, I sat up in my seat. I didn’t have to look around to know people were still staring at me. Their curious gazes burned through me even though their attention should have been on the next award winner.

Leaning over, Eli whispered, “We’re next.”

Time to get it together, Emersyn.

I conjured up all the strength I had left within me. When they announced Jacob’s Ladder as the winner, I shot out of my seat and began wildly clapping. As soon as Gabe turned Eli loose from his bear hug, he grabbed me into his arms. “We did it, Sonny!” he shouted into my ear.

Tears stung my eyes at his elation. I turned my head to kiss his cheek. “I knew you would!” I cried.

“We would,” he corrected. When he started to pull me along with them to accept the award, I furiously shook my head.

“No Eli. This is about you and your siblings, remember. Not me,” I protested.

“Just go with it,” he called back.

In an almost dreamlike state, I trailed beside him up the stairs and onto the stage. When we got to the podium, Eli released my hand, and I slowly inched back a few steps. I didn’t feel right being up here when Norm, Mike, and the others weren’t.

Abby began gratefully acknowledging everyone who helped Jacob’s Ladder win the award. After thanking Jake and the twins and her parents, she stepped back to let Gabe and Eli have a chance. Gabe once again thanked Rae for being his ray of light and then he thanked Eli and Abby for being his musical and blood family. When it came time for Eli, he thanked Abby and Gabe and his parents. He reiterated his thanks to the members of the crew and the rest of the band. Then he turned to smile at me.

“And thanks to Emersyn for making Jacob’s Ladder even better with her gorgeous vocals and ability to shred the fiddle. Most of all, thanks for showing me courage under fire and grace under pressure.”

His words brought tears to my eyes. Overwhelmed with emotion, I threw my arms around him. “I love you,” I whispered into his ear.

“I love you, too.”

When I pulled away, I stared intently into his eyes. There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. I wanted to tell him I thought I was falling for him. That I might love him in a different way than I ever thought possible. Everything that had come on so slowly between us seemed to converge at rapid speed in that moment.

But then the music started up, signaling it was time for us to leave the stage. And when I looked at Eli again, the moment was broken. Instead of seeing Eli in front of me, I still saw Jack’s smiling face up on the screen. I pried myself out of his arms and hurried backstage.

Although there was still the Entertainer of the Year award to be given, I couldn’t stand going back into the auditorium. I desperately needed air and a moment to collect my thoughts. When I started for the exit, Eli grabbed my arm. “Wait. Where are you going?”

“I need a minute away from everyone.”

“Why don’t you go to the car? We won’t be long.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

Taking my phone out of my tiny evening bag, I texted the driver to see where he had parked. Since the show was almost over, he informed me he was already lined up along the front of the arena. Once I reached the line of limos, he stepped out and waved to me. After sliding across the leather seat, I went right for the bar. Although I wasn’t a fan of champagne, I popped open one of the mini-bottles of Moet and started sucking down the bubbly.

After I’d drained the champagne, I lay my head back on the seat. Closing my eyes, I tried reining in my out-of-control emotions. I must’ve dozed off because the next thing I knew, a knock came on the limo door. When I peered through the tinted window, Eli stared back at me.

After opening the door for him, Eli dipped his head in the backseat. “Hey you.”

“Hey.”

“Are you ready to celebrate being masters of the country music universe? I’m pretty sure everyone who is anyone is going to be at tonight’s parties.”

Earlier in the evening, I’d been so excited about attending all the label parties. I’d had a blast two years ago when Jack and I had made the rounds. But now, the last thing on my mind was partying. I shook my head. “I can’t,” I murmured.

“You can’t what?”

“Do the parties.” I shuttered my eyes in pain. “I’m sorry. But I can’t handle the crowds or the comments about Jack.”

“It’s okay, Sonny. I understand.”

I opened my eyes to stare into Eli’s empathetic face. “I’m sorry to be such a party pooper.”

“Don’t even go there,” he argued.

“It’s the truth. I’m sure I’m going to catch hell from the label.”

“That won’t happen.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because they’ll have to go through me to get to you, and I just won’t let it happen.”

My heart fluttered in response to his kindness. With a weak smile, I replied, “Thank you.”

“I’ll take you back to the hotel.”

“No. You go on with the others. I can get a cab to take me back.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”

“Please, Eli. Just go celebrate Jacob’s Ladder’s amazing night,” I begged. And I was pleading. I didn’t want him to be near me when I felt so vulnerable.

“Listen to me. I couldn’t possibly have a good time if I was worrying about something happening to you.” When I started to protest again, he held up a hand. “Let me get you to the hotel, and then I’ll go party. Okay?”

“Okay,” I reluctantly murmured. And I was sure I knew exactly what he meant about going back to party. I heard Gabe’s words that left no doubt where Eli would spend his night. But we’re just friends, so I had to be good with that.

“I’ll be right back.” Eli closed the door behind him. I then heard muffled conversation between him and the limo driver. Within a few minutes, he was back. “I’ve got us a cab.”

After he helped me out of the limo, Eli slid his arm around my waist and began guiding me through the maze of hired cars and people. Although I wanted to argue I was fully capable of walking on my own, I decided against it. Instead, I stopped and let myself enjoy feeling protected by Eli.

Once we got into the backseat of the cab, I started to put my head in my hands, but Eli drew me back against him. After draping his arm around my shoulders, I nestled my head on his chest. Eli knew me well enough to know if I wanted to talk, I would. Since the last thing I wanted to do was to rehash my breakdowns, I remained silent. Considering the degenerative state my mind was in, I’m not sure I could have even made conversation.

A dark swarm of thoughts had taken over my brain. The barrage of emotional conflict consumed me to the point I was almost shaking. All I could focus on was how heartless I was to be broken up over Jack one minute and then over Eli in the next. Tonight’s focus should have been on celebrating Jack’s memory, but somehow, I’d managed to pollute it with my growing feelings for Eli. Glancing down at my naked hand, I winced. I hadn’t even bothered to put on my wedding rings. Curling my nose in disgust, I completely loathed myself and my actions.

When we finally pulled up at the hotel, I exhaled a sigh of relief. After opening the door, I didn’t expect Eli to get out with me. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure you get to your room okay.”

“You’ve already done enough for me tonight. I think I can I make it the rest of the way on my own.”

“I’m sure you can. But I’m going with you.”

Instead of feeling smothered or frustrated by his overprotectiveness, I fought the urge to wrap my arms around him. It would have been hard for any woman not to be touched by his kindness, especially not one who had been through emotional hell like me. Any woman would have fallen hard for his compassion, and I was one of them.

After the elevator brought us to our floor, Eli followed me down the carpeted hallway to my room. I dug the keycard out of my purse and then swiped it. Opening the door, I then trudged inside, and Eli followed me.

“Okay, you got me to my room. Now get out of here and go party for the both of us,” I instructed.

Eli’s expression appeared conflicted. “Are you going to be all right?”

The remaining strands of my sanity splintered as a mirthless laugh tumbled from my lips. “After I broke down twice tonight, you’re seriously asking me that question?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Fine. Here’s the truth. No, Eli, I’m not going to be all right. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be all right again.” As Eli’s mouth gaped open, I stalked over to the mini-bar and threw it open. After snatching some Jack, I twisted the top open. I didn’t bother with a glass. Instead, I brought the bottle to my lips and downed it in three long pulls.

The alcohol seared my throat and sent stinging tears to my eyes. The events of the night rushed over me, and emotions I could no longer suppress exploded out of me. Pulling my arm back, I launched the bottle at the wall. As it shattered apart, I threw back my head. All the rage and anger and hurt coursed out of me in a guttural scream that shook my body.

When I dared to look at Eli, he appeared visibly shaken, his complexion ashen. “Jesus, Sonny,” he murmured, as he brought his hand slowly over his face.

“Is my crazy scaring you?”

“No…maybe a little. But it’s not because you’re crazy.”

“Yeah, I am. Like epically batshit crazy.” I have feelings for you, but I also love my dead husband. But I can’t have either one of you, and it’s driving me over the edge.

“You had a bad night. That doesn’t mean you’re crazy.”

“Don’t you see? Tonight should have been wonderful for me. I’m part of a successful band who won a shit-ton of awards. But the moment that video of Jack was played, all the joy and excitement of the night was stripped from me. And once again, I’m fucking haunted. Like the universe said, ‘Oh you’re enjoying life again? Nope. We can’t have that. Time to make you miserable again’.”

“We knew tonight was going to be hard with the tribute. I would have been surprised if it hadn’t gutted you,” Eli said softly.

I massaged my temples. “That’s just it. I’m tired of being gutted. I’m so fucking tired of carrying this burden around with me. Everyone says I have to live my life, but how am I supposed to do that when every single event is forever dampened because Jack is dead?”

“It won’t always be that way.”

“It’s been almost a year, Eli. When exactly is it supposed to get easier?”

“I don’t know. I wish I did. More than anything, I wish I could take all your pain away.

You should be careful what you wish for. Like lightning zigzagging across the sky, an idea hit me so hard I shuddered. I knew if I didn’t immediately act on it, I would lose my nerve.

Taking Eli’s hand in mine, I then brought it to my chest. The heat of his fingers singed my exposed skin. “Do you feel my heart?”

“Yes,” Eli murmured.

“It keeps right on beating even though I feel so dead inside.” Without taking my eyes from his, I slid Eli’s hand down over my breast. “Make me feel alive again.”

He jerked his hand back like he had been scalded. “Sonny, what the hell are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Yeah. And that’s what is wigging the hell out of me.”

“What? Do you need me to say the words aloud before you’ll believe me?” When Eli continued staring at me in disbelief, I drew my shoulders back with steely determination before I pinned him with a hard look. “I want you to have sex with me.”

Although he’d sworn he knew what I was talking about, the apparent shock at hearing the words come from my mouth was written all over Eli’s face. His blue eyes bulged as he shook his head wildly back and forth. “You don’t really mean that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No, you’ve had a rough night, and you’re not thinking straight.”

I glared at him. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. I know what I want, and I want you.” When he started to protest again, I brought my hand over his mouth. “Don’t act like you don’t want this.” I slid my thumb across his bottom lip. “I watched you that night in the hotel room after we shot the video. I heard you say my name as you touched yourself.”

A mixture of embarrassment and lust swirled in Eli’s eyes. “That was supposed to be private,” he countered.

“But I liked watching you pleasure yourself. I liked hearing you call out my name.” I pressed myself closer against him. “Do you want to know how much?”

“How much?” he croaked.

“I wanted to touch myself. I wanted to get off by watching you.”

Eli’s nostrils flared at my words, and he appeared to be getting a mental picture off what I had said. But then he groaned as if he were in pain. “This isn’t you, Emersyn. The sexy talk or the coming on to me—it isn’t you.”

“How do you know it isn’t me? Last time I checked, this was unchartered territory for the two of us.”

“Trust me, I know. Just like I’ve known practically everything about you since we were kids.”

I jabbed a finger into his chest. “Yeah, well, I call bullshit on you knowing everything. If you had, you would have known I was feeling something for you.”

A smug expression came over Eli’s face. “And once again, you’re wrong. I’ve known you’ve felt something for me since the video shoot. You weren’t acting when you made out with me.”

“Wrong again. Things started changing for me the night of our Goodwill Date.”

Eli’s blue eyes widened. “They did?”

“Yes, Mr. Smartypants, they did.”

He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “That’s when it really began to change for me, too.”

“It did?”

“Yeah.”

I shook my head. “So, see. You don’t know everything there is to know about me.”

Lust burned in Eli’s eyes. “You’re right. There are some things I don’t know, like what it feels like to bury my dick deep inside you. What your face looks like when you come apart with pleasure. What sounds you make when I thrust my tongue deep into your pussy. And damn me to hell that I want to know, Sonny. I want to so fucking much.”

My mouth ran dry at his words. When I licked my lips, Eli’s eyes flared. “Take the next step, and you can find all that out,” I whispered.

The next thing I knew he was launching himself at me, sending me spiraling back against the wall. “Are you okay?” Eli asked.

“I’m fine. Now, shut up, and kiss me,” I commanded.

Eli’s lips slammed against mine. I didn’t have a moment to catch my breath before his tongue thrust into my mouth, dancing along with mine. Grabbing my arms, he lifted them above my head and against the wall. His fingers raked down the undersides of my arms, causing me to shiver. When he reached my shoulders, his hands dipped behind my back to unzip my dress. After he furiously pushed the top down to my waist, he freed my breasts from the bustier I was wearing. As he took my breasts in his hands, I frantically worked my fingers down the buttons on his shirt. Once they were all undone, I flattened my palms against his chest before running them down his perfect, tattooed abs. When I reached the button on his pants, I undid it and pushed down the zipper. My hand delved inside, and when I took his erection in my hand, Eli groaned.

With a shake of his head, he released my breasts and eased me back against the wall. “You’re first this time.”

Before I could argue, Eli’s hands had dipped under the hem of my dress. He bunched the fabric up to my waist. Holding it steady with one arm, he used his other to jerk my panties down to my knees. When one of his hands then came between my legs, I threw my head back and cried out with the pleasure. It had been so long since I’d felt a man’s hands on my core.

Eli dipped his head to where his mouth closed over one of my exposed nipples. “Mmm,” I murmured. As I became overwhelmed at what his mouth and hand were doing, he thrust two fingers deep inside me. I gripped his shoulders and began to ride his fingers. “Oh, God, Eli!” I cried.

His mouth on my breast was driving me wild. He alternated between tonguing my hardened nipple and then sucking it deep into his mouth. When he used his teeth to tease me, I moaned. I reached between us and took his exposed dick in my hand. With each pump of his fingers inside me, I worked him in my palm, causing him to grunt with pleasure.

“I want you inside me. Please,” I panted.

“Not until you come,” he growled.

The next thing I knew Eli dropped down onto his knees before me. After widening my thighs apart, he brought his mouth between my legs. I shrieked with pleasure at the feel of his tongue sliding up and down along my clit. When he sucked it into his mouth, my knees buckled, and I almost slid down the wall. Without missing a beat, Eli’s forearm came up to brace my abdomen so I wouldn’t fall.

Once I felt secure again, my eyes closed, and I rode along the waves of pleasure that Eli’s mouth was bringing me. As he kept up his delicious assault on my clit, he continued pumping two fingers in and out of me, stopping sometimes to curl them inside me to hit my G-spot. It was so intense I was tugging the strands of his hair and crying out his name. As I climbed higher and higher, I didn’t know if I could stand anymore. And then a burst came from within me followed by a locomotive charging through my abdomen. As I started falling back to the earth from my intense orgasm, I couldn’t remember when I’d come so hard. I wasn’t actually sure I ever had.

When I came back to myself, I glanced down to see Eli staring up at me, his tongue still lapping at my center. Heat bloomed inside of me again, and I had to have him. I grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him up my body. “Now, Eli.”

“My pleasure.”

After sliding one arm around my waist, he brought the other behind my knees. Sweeping me up in his arms, he carried me over to the bed. After easing me down on the mattress, he shoved his pants over his hips and down his legs. He bent down and retrieved his wallet out of his pants. Once he retrieved the condom, he tossed his wallet back to the floor. As I watched him open the wrapper, I bunched the skirt of my dress up over my thighs. At the sight of my pussy, Eli’s nostrils flared. He made quick work of rolling it down his length before he pounced on me.

Considering how I was drenched for him, there was no need for any more foreplay. After positioning himself between my legs, Eli guided his cock to my center. As his gorgeous blue eyes locked on mine, he eased inside of me. The restraint was evident on his face. “I want all of you.”

“I know, babe. But it’s been awhile for you, and you’re tight as hell.” He planted kisses on each of my temples before pulling back to look at me. “The last thing I would ever do was hurt you.”

The tender gesture warmed my heart. Especially since it was in the middle of our rather frenzied coupling. At the same time, I wasn’t sure I wanted tender. It belonged with lovemaking, and that wasn’t exactly what I had wanted tonight. I’d wanted to be fucked.

Sliding my hand down his back, I slapped his ass. “I’m ready now. Give it to me hard and fast.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

Eli withdrew and then slammed back inside of me. I cried out with both pleasure and pain. He didn’t check with me again. Instead, he began pounding in and out of me so furiously that I grabbed hold of his forearms to keep myself in place on the mattress.

When he slid out again, I started to protest, but Eli shook his head. “I want to get as deep as I can in you.” After flipping me over, he gripped my hips and pulled me up onto my knees. He bunched the fabric of my dress over waist, and I couldn’t help wondering why the hell we hadn’t gotten completely naked. I sure as hell wanted to ditch my dress, and Eli could have lost his shirt. I guess we were so much in the moment we hadn’t wanted to stop.

Eli’s knees pushed my thighs further apart. When he slammed into me, we both groaned with pleasure. As the sound of our skin slapping together filled the room, my fingers gripped the sheets as I panted hard with pleasure. One of Eli’s hands slid from my waist to come between my legs. As he began toying with my clit, alternating between stroking and pinching it, I buried my face in the mattress and shrieked with pleasure.

This was the kind of sex women fantasized about—the kind I’d fantasized about, yet hadn’t had.

I might’ve felt dead before, but in the highly charged and extremely pleasurable moment, I’d never felt more alive in my life. I wanted the sex to go on and on until I couldn’t move, and I ached where Eli had been.

When Eli began pumping his hips fast and faster, my core began building for another orgasm. As I went over the edge, I cried out Eli’s name. Even in my moment of pleasure, I felt him jerking inside of me with his own orgasm.

After my walls stopped clenching around Eli, the sexual bliss I had experienced took a quick plummet from the stratosphere back into reality. All the enjoyment and pleasure evaporated with the last vibrations of my orgasm. When the realization of what had actually transpired hit me, the intensity of my feelings sent a shudder through my body. I was on all fours on the mattress with my designer dress hiked up over my hips and the bodice pushed down to my waist. The heavy weight of the man’s body against my back was my best friend.

It was my Eli.

It was my best friend who had made me lose my mind and come harder than I could ever remember. It was my best friend who had made me question everything about our relationship. It was my best friend who had made me feel reborn through silly dates and sweet acts of kindness and compassion.

I’d vowed to keep things platonic between us, so that nothing jeopardized the friendship we had. But somehow tonight’s events had destroyed all that. My past and our present had converged, and I’d ended up losing myself to my emotions. While I might never have felt more alive for a few glorious moments, I now felt even more hollowed inside. Like I was just a husk of my former self. Maybe it was because I feared my actions had just cost me Eli’s and my future.

With an anguished groan, Eli slid out of me. He rocked back to sit on his knees beside me. “Oh, Jesus, Sonny.” When I remained motionless and quiet, he turned his head to look at me. “Say something. Please.”

I bit down on my lip that was swollen from his kisses. “There’s nothing to say.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

“You don’t have anything to regret. I’m the one who came on to you.”

Eli shook his head. “But I didn’t stop it. I should have stopped it.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It shouldn’t have been tonight. It shouldn’t have been when we were both emotionally spooked. It should have been out of love, not lust.”

“Maybe it shouldn’t have been at all. Not now and not ever.”

After an agonizing look flashed in his eyes, Eli opened his mouth, but a knock at the door interrupted him. After we exchanged horrified glances, Eli jumped off the bed and started fumbling with his pants. “Uh, who is it?” he called.

“Bro, you in there?” came Gabe’s muffled reply.

“What the hell is he doing back here?” Eli questioned as he zipped up his pants.

As I threw a panicked glance around the room, I whispered, “What should I do?”

“Go hide in the bathroom. He can’t see you like that.”

I nodded. “Okay. But you can’t let him in this room. He’ll take one look at the bed and know what happened.”

Eli grimaced. “Not to mention if he got one whiff,” he mumbled under his breath.

I didn’t respond. Instead, I hurried into the bathroom. One glance in the mirror and I knew what Eli meant when he said Gabe couldn’t see me. With my tangled hair and smeared lipstick, he would have known exactly what had been going on.

Peeking through the crack, I watched Eli open the door. When Gabe started to come inside, Eli blocked him at the door. “Hey, Rae and I wanted to check on Emersyn.”

“She’s in the bathroom.”

“Still having a tough time, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Lowering his voice, Gabe said, “From the looks of it, she’s put you through the wringer since you guys got back.”

Oh God. Of all the things he had to say. I held my breath for Eli’s response. “What are you doing back here?”

“Rae’s feet were killing her, so she’s back in our room getting on a more comfortable pair of shoes. We’re going to head out again. You coming?”

“Uh, yeah. Just let me go tell Emersyn I’m leaving.”

“Okay.” At that moment, Rae arrived sporting a pair of cowboy boots rather than the heels she’d had on earlier in the night. After Gabe joined her in the hallway, Eli closed the door. His shoulders sank before he turned around and started making his way across the room.

When he reached the bathroom, I opened the door. “It’s okay. I heard.”

“Look, I don’t want to leave things like this between us.”

I shook my head. “No. You need to go. The last thing we need is to make anyone suspicious.”

“But Sonny.”

“You don’t have time to argue with me. You need to straighten your tie and fix your hair.” After shuddering, I added, “Not to mention washing me off your face.”

Eli stared past me at his reflection in the mirror. We both knew how his hair had gotten that way. My fingers had clutched and grabbed the strands when he was going down on me. Silently, I watched him put his hair back into place before turning on the water. After soaping up his hands, he washed his mouth and his cheeks. I tried not to think about what that mouth had felt like on me.

After he dried his face, he turned toward me. “Sonny, please.”

“Go, Eli. Just go.”

With those words, I pushed him out of the bathroom and closed the door. The lock clicking in place caused Eli to sigh resignedly. I heard his footsteps as he walked over to the bedroom mirror. After a few seconds, I heard the door open and then close.

Once I was alone, I went over and turned on the shower. After extricating myself from the dress, I slipped under the scalding stream of water. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I knew I’d never be able to wash away tonight’s sins. Although they would have brought relief to the pain in my chest, the tears never came. Even as I recalled my hardened bitterness toward Jack, or how I’d used Eli to try to find some semblance of myself again, I didn’t cry. Maybe I’d reached an emotional point of no return. Maybe it was time to leave Jacob’s Ladder.