After fluffing my pillow for the hundredth time, I finally admitted there was no way I was getting any sleep tonight. Grudgingly I realized at least not without any help. I hadn’t taken one of my sleeping pills in months. I thought I’d moved past that, but apparently, I hadn’t.

But tonight’s insomnia wasn’t brought on by grief—it was entirely Eli induced. My mind whirled with a reel of images from today’s shoot, causing an ache in my chest. I had so much to answer for when it came to my behavior.

I’d gotten half-naked with Eli. I’d made out with him with more lust and passion than half of my previous boyfriends. I’d tasted every inch of his mouth, and I’d welcomed his soft as suede lips on my own.

I’d done all of this under the pretense of acting, but there was nothing about my behavior that had been an act. In that moment under the stars with both the flames of the fire and Eli’s touch heating my skin, I’d wanted to make out with him. If I were truly honest with myself, I’d wanted to do a lot more, and I had for a long time.

But when the shoot was over, I fully grasped the concept of “in the heat of the moment”. Somehow, I’d been seduced by the romantic scenery. Not only that, something had come alive in me when I’d taken off my wedding rings. Emotions that had remained dormant these last months had slowly become reborn.

Holding my hand up in front of me, I stared at my naked finger in the moonlight pouring in from the window. When it was time to leave the island, I had taken my rings out of the safe. But I hadn’t slid them on my finger. I’d come to realize I no longer needed to be identified as a married woman—it was time to move on. So, I’d put them in the zipper part of my purse.

After we’d boarded the boat to take us back to the mainland, Eli had been uncharacteristically quiet. Once we’d docked, it was almost ten. Although it was early in Mexican culture, it was late for us. We’d come back to the hotel. For my safety, Daniel had booked Eli and me into a suite that had a main living area and kitchen and then bedrooms to the left and right. He’d argued that Mexico was a lot different than when we’d grown up there.

When we got into our suite, I was exhausted, but I was also starving. After ordering room service, we ate in relative silence except for the sound of The Office reruns we were watching.

I knew we desperately needed to talk about what had just happened. From time to time, I’d look over at him and open my mouth, but nothing would come out. I’m not sure why it was so damn hard to string a few sentences together.

I might have deeper feelings for you than just a friend.

On the island, I felt something different…something intense when you put your hands and your mouth on my body.

I think it was more than just acting between us. Let me rephrase that. I know it was more than acting from me.

That was quite a make-out session, wasn’t it?

I’m pretty sure you don’t kiss your best friend like that.

Like was it as good for you as it was for me?

But the words never formed on my lips, and in turn, nothing came from Eli either. Part of me wondered if I was making it all up in my head. Maybe Eli wasn’t talking about there being anything romantic between us because there simply wasn’t. Maybe he had just been acting on the beach and gotten carried away in the moment. He still only saw me as a friend, and his silence was based on him not wanting to say anything to hurt my feelings.

Bottom line, I was just a crazy, heart-sick widow who was making up entire scenarios in her mind.

With a frustrated grunt, I threw back the covers. After I walked around the side of the bed, I realized I’d left my purse with my medicine bag in the living room. I opened my bedroom door and padded out into the living room. When I picked up my purse off the far table, I noticed Eli’s door was slightly ajar. The sound of a moan caused me to freeze. Thinking he was in pain, I leaned over and peeked through the crack. I opened my mouth to ask him if he needed anything, but then I snapped it shut.

In the dim light, I could see he was on his side with his back to me. The sheet and comforter were bunched below his knees. Immediately, I flushed at the sight of his bare ass. But my embarrassment only grew as I watch his flexing hips and straining muscles.

Oh. My. God. Was I actually watching my best friend pleasure himself? It was wrong on so many levels starting with the fact it was a complete invasion of Eli’s privacy. Turn away, Emersyn. Go back to bed. You don’t need to see this.

Even though a part of me was horrified at the sight, I couldn’t for the life of me stop watching. It was like a spark had been lit on the powder keg of sexual feeling that had been inactive in me the past eleven months. What had been frozen once again became animated as I listened to the sound of Eli’s rushed breaths and pants of pleasure. I licked my lips that had suddenly run dry as my nipples tightened.

As my hand gripped the door, I imagined being in bed with Eli, sliding my hand down the sweat-sheened muscles of his back. When my fingers reached the curve of his hip, I would then dip my arm down to take his cock in my hand. It would be me giving him pleasure and me making him come.

That thought sent a slow burn to the growing ache between my thighs. Just as I started to brush my free hand over my abdomen to touch myself, Eli’s words froze me. “Mmm, Emersyn, fuck,” he gasped.

My hand flew to cover my mouth. Eli was fantasizing about me. He was using my image to get off.

And I liked it.

I liked it so much a warm rush flooded between my legs.

His hips pumped furiously before he emitted another immensely pleasurable groan as he came. I spun around and sprinted across the living room. My heart beat so wildly I was sure Eli could hear it even in the other bedroom. As I pulled the covers around me, I tried to still my erratic breathing.

A mixture of icy cold fear and mortification cooled my inflamed body. There was so much wrong with what had just occurred both for me and Eli. My best friend had been fantasizing about having sex with me. He’d said my name just before he came. And now because I knew it, nothing would ever be the same between us.

My mind zig-zagged so furiously I shuttered my eyes in pain. I hadn’t made it all up. Eli did have feelings for me—at least physically. I had to assume he had remained silent because of the same reasons I had.

But that was almost a relief to me. Instead, I was more haunted by my own feelings. I’d enjoyed watching Eli. I’d gotten turned on for the first time since Jack died, and if Eli hadn’t shocked me by saying my name, I would have tried to get myself off.

Eleven months was a long time to go without having sex. Besides the orgasms in my sleep, I hadn’t even masturbated. I tried rationalizing seeing any sexy, naked man pleasuring himself would have gotten me wet. It was just fucking biology. Deep down, I knew that was a sham.

Turning over in bed, I recalled the last time Jack and I had made love. It was the night before he’d left for his trip. I’d been helping him pack when he came up behind me in the closet. He bent his head to kiss my neck as his hand swept around to cup my breast. While I might’ve enjoyed getting down and dirty on the floor of the closet, Jack was always a gentleman in the bedroom. He’d swept me up and carried me to bed.

Afterwards, as we lay tangled in each other’s arms, Jack acknowledged he was finally ready to start a family. Before, he’d never entertained the thought. He’d been focused on growing our musical careers. Even though I was desperate for a baby, I was young, and I thought we had all the time in the world.

An agonized sob tore through my chest. I jerked the pillow from behind my head and brought it over my face to drown out the noise. A volatile mixture of guilt and grief overtook me. In both my growing feelings and my desire for Eli, I felt like I had been unfaithful to Jack. He had been too good of a husband and man for me to do that to him.

Regardless of how much time had passed, I couldn’t give myself over to my feelings for Eli. I needed to be the strong one for the two of us—the one who could set our friendship back on the right track. I couldn’t bear to lose him if things didn’t work out between us. Besides my parents and brothers, he was the person I loved most in the world. I couldn’t allow my jangled emotions to sabotage that.

For the first time in a long time, I cried myself to sleep.