Full Circle
Yesterday, after our trip to Jordan’s that went worse than expected, I laid all my cards on the table with Mel. I took her to my house and confessed I want it to be our home. I loved watching the awe in her eyes as we went through the house and I told her what I envisioned for it. What I loved even more was how she made her own suggestions. It’s not a commitment, but it’s a damn good start.
We worked through our issues from the past few weeks, and she let me take her out last night. In exchange, I played my song for her. It was one of the perks of not talking to her much the past few weeks—I did what has always been my default and focused on my music. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt to work on it either; it actually felt good.
Mel and I spent the night learning each other’s bodies, and although I’m tired today, I can’t wipe the massive grin off my face. It won’t last long because I’m about to knock on Jordan’s door to watch his video with him. I feel okay about it too. I miss Noah, but I can’t be upset about hearing his voice right now, even if the circumstances suck.
I brought alcohol and bagels in case J hasn’t had breakfast yet. It’s two in the afternoon, but that’s basically morning for him since he works late at the bar. He answers the door yawning, and I realize I probably should have brought some java too.
Jordan takes a bagel and sits on his couch where he already has coffee. “Did you sort out your shit yesterday? Sorry I blew your cover. I didn’t realize Mel wasn’t aware I knew about the two of you yet.”
I consider taking a seat next to him, but it’s as if Fat Bastard can sense my indecision, and takes the spot I was eyeing. I’ll take the chair next to him instead. “We worked it all out. Things are good. Are you ready to watch this video?”
J finishes his bagel and leans back, kicking his feet up on his table. “Nah, but what else am I going to do? That check mocks me every time I open my safe. Also, I want to watch it sober. I need to process it no matter how badly it hurts. Maybe we’ll drink while we hash through it afterward.”
That’s fine with me. I’ve realized I’ve got a tendency to use alcohol as a crutch and it’s a habit I’d like to break.
“Whatever works for you is fine with me.”
“Cool. Let’s just get this over with, yeah?” Jordan pulls his computer from under the table, and while it boots up, he moves Fat Bastard. “You’re going to need to sit here because I don’t have the cables and shit to hook it up to the television. Everything is at the bar.”
When I sit next to him, his fucking cat hisses at me, but J moves him with his foot and tosses some kind of cat treat onto the floor for him. Now that the cat is occupied, J hits play on the video.
“Hey, Jordan! I bet you’re pretty pissed off at me right now, huh?” Noah smiles an all-knowing smile and continues. “Look, I’m not going to sugar coat this shit for you because you’ve been fed enough bullshit in your life. I love you, J, you’re my brother. During my life, I was fortunate, and it was all luck. Sure, our band was good but so are thousands of others. Right time, right place, right set of ears and bam! We were famous with more money than we knew what to do with.
“That’s cool. I mean, who is going to complain about being rich, right? For me, it was never about the money. Those dollar signs spoke nothing but security to me. Security for myself, my wife, my kids, and my family. And what was left … well, that was fun money. A way to help people and spread the love. Brighten someone’s day, you know? Without my family behind me giving me love and support, I wouldn’t have been able to do this job. How many times did Sawyer or I call you for some solace? A reminder of home and love? More than anything, I wish you would have been musically inclined. You could have been that fifth member Sawyer always hoped for to break our ties.”
That makes me laugh, and I’m pretty proud of myself that I’m not crying yet, and neither is J.
“Consider the money I left you hazard pay. That’s not flying, is it? I didn’t think so. Would it make you feel better to know you didn’t receive the most money? In fact, you may have received the least. Does that help a little bit? I know you’re going to want to get this money off your conscience. But I need to die with a clear one, so I can only hope you’ll pause and think through your actions.”
Noah pauses for some water before going on.
“If you won’t let me take care of you and you won’t accept the money without a plan, I’ve left a few ideas with Tony. Talk to him. At the top of that plan is paying off the bar, the next in line is expanding and opening a new bar. People come from all over to see the bands who play at Just an Illusion. Expand on that and have Sawyer help you. With the new label, they can fill your bars with top-notch talent. It would be a win, win. You get exposure, they get exposure, and who knows? If lightning strikes twice, you can be the reason another band gets their break and finds their luck.”
Holy shit, Noah is a genius. That is a brilliant plan. Tears are streaming down J’s cheeks now. Noah cut down to all of our truths, whether we wanted to hear them or not.
“If nothing on Tony’s list appeals to you, find a charity that speaks to your soul and donate it. Maybe something for domestic violence survivors or something targeted for kids who are left behind after domestic violence tears their lives apart. But if you want my opinion, you can donate a portion of your sales each month or each year to a charity like that. Still get the feels, the tax break, and live your dream.
“I’m sorry about your family, Jordan, but I’ll never be sorry I got to have you for my brother. Consider accepting my gift because it’s all I have left to give to you. Think of it as a lifetime of birthday, Christmas, and wedding presents rolled into one. I have a feeling you’re going to be the last to watch this, so give everyone a hug for me. And Sawyer, I know you’re there too. Talk him into this for me; it will be good for both of you. I hope you and Mel are making a go of things. You need each other, and you’ll heal each other. Give everyone my love. Until we meet again, I love you guys.”
Jordan wipes away his tears, and I’m actually smiling. Noah knew exactly what J needed to hear. Me too, for that matter.
“When did he turn into such a cocky bastard?” Jordan asks as he closes the computer.
“Pretty much always. He was just subtle about it most of the time. He’s right, you know? He loved you, and he left everyone else something. Let him do this for you, J, and if you want my help, I’m totally down helping you find bands for both bars. I’m sure I could get you some celebrities. I know Eli would come, Collateral Damage, Shawn Lucas, Band of Brothers, Zinj … we could have your cup running over in no time.”
“I need to think about it.”
“Let’s drink, celebrate Noah’s life, and you can think on it. He wasn’t the only stubborn bastard, you know. You’re being one right now too.”
Jordan grabs a couple of beers from the fridge and opens them before passing me one.
“I’m trying to consider it a gift like he said, but fuck, that’s one big-ass gift.”
I lean back, and Fat Bastard jumps between us and curls up on J’s lap. “You know, Noah could have been an ass and had that money sent directly to the bank to pay off the loan. There would have been nothing you could have done. He’s giving you a choice here, but more than that, he’s giving you a gift from his heart to better your life.”
Jordan snickers. “If I turn it down, it’s probably going to give me bad karma or some shit.”
“Truth. I think you need to let your brother spoil you one last time. It would make him happy, J, and if you’re honest with yourself, it will make you happy too. I’m fucking ecstatic thinking of the possibilities of us finally being able to work together. I need this as much as you do, for real.”
J looks me over and nods. “You’re not kidding.”
“Not in the slightest. Figuring out who I am without Noah is hard. But pairing up with my brother in a venture suggested by and somewhat funded by Noah … Man, it just brings everything full circle somehow. Even if you don’t keep the money, we can still do it. We’ll just have one location instead of two.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Mel and I fell deeper into our relationship over the next few weeks. I planned my first romantic evening for her thirty-first birthday and helped her conquer some of her demons at the same time.
We got the green light for Noah’s EP to release a few days later. We should have been celebrating, but Rory found out about Mel and me, and our world imploded. Things got rough after that, so when Mel decides to spend Thanksgiving with Eli instead of us, I’m beyond hurt. We’re her family now, and while I know she considers Eli family too, it’s a scary thing to have her flee.
It wasn’t a typical Weston family Thanksgiving. Tensions were high and sides were chosen. It was probably a good thing Mel wasn’t here for it because she would have felt responsible. Unfortunately, Rory did some damage when she and Mel fought because, once again, Mel wanted space from our relationship by the time she got back home.
That same day, I met with a jeweler and designed rings for Mel and me. One day, I’m going to marry this girl, and when I do, I’ll need a unique ring. I can’t give her something that reminds her of Noah. And I want to make sure her ring will reflect the uniqueness we share.
By the end of our meeting, we’d sketched out a ring of black and rose gold with pink sapphires and diamonds. They’re going to be stunning when they’re done. This guy is in high demand, and I probably won’t have the rings in my possession until summer. But they’ll be perfect, and when the time comes, I know Mel will love them.
Over the next few weeks, Mel and I practice our dating skills. Since I’ve never dated before, I imagine it’s what high school was like, especially with Mel’s “no sex” rule in effect. I have enjoyed pushing the boundaries as far as I can without actually violating her limits. Noah may have been onto something with all his talk of anticipation, but I’ll never admit that to anyone.
Christmas wasn’t much better than Thanksgiving, but the kids had a good time and were so engrossed in their toys didn’t seem to notice too much strain between the grownups. Instead of the normal Weston family sleepover, everyone left right after dinner. It was different, but I was happy they were gone. Mel and I are curled up together by the fireplace with a bottle of wine, and it’s the best gift of all.
Not long after pouring our wine, the slide of footed pajama feet across the floor catches our attention. Nate shuffles out of his room with his new bear and runs straight into my arms.
“What’s the matter, Nate? Want to come here?”
“No. Daddy Sawyer,” he says firmly, and my whole life has changed in an instant.
“Uncle Sawyer, buddy. Say Uncle Sawyer.”
“Daddy Sawyer,” he says stubbornly as he buries his head in my chest and holds on for dear life.
“Mel, I’m sorry … I didn’t …” My words fail me as I rub circles on Nate’s back and Mel stares at the two of us. My tears begin to fall, and I continuously shake my head. This isn’t right, but nothing has ever felt more right in my life either. This little boy loves me in a way I could have only dreamed, but the honor never should have been mine to have.
“It’s okay, Sawyer.”
“How can you say that?”
Acceptance settles into Mel’s gaze, and she nods. “Because to Nate, you’re his dad. There’s no denying that anymore. We’ll still tell him about Noah and call him Daddy, but it’s time we face the truth. No matter what happens with us, you’re Nate’s dad now.”
Nate falls asleep, and I carry him back to his room and put him in bed while Mel’s words sink in. With a quick check on Cadence, I tuck her blanket around her before heading back out to the living room, my tears still falling.
“This isn’t right, Mel. It’s not fucking right.”
I take my seat next to her on the floor and grab my wine, finishing it with big gulps.
“I’m not so sure about that anymore. When Nate sees Noah in photos, he calls him Daddy. He knows Noah is his dad. But he called you Daddy Sawyer, he knows the difference.” She’s crying as she inches closer to me.
“We’ll keep correcting him until he stops saying it.”
Mel traces my lips with her thumb and leans her head against mine. It’s an intimate moment, albeit a painful one. “You can try if you want to because this is about your comfort level most of all. But I’m pretty sure my son knows what he feels. He feels you’re his father and he loves you so much he’s honoring you with that title too.”
I love him too.
More than I ever thought possible.
It hits me hard and fast as I think about Saylor and Emme. About Jacob and Cadence. My love for Nate is different than how I love them. This isn’t the love of an uncle who adores his nephew to pieces. It’s the love a man would have for his child.
Noah’s child.
Mel’s child.
My child.
“Fuck, Mel, this hurts so much.”
She presses her lips against mine in the sweetest kiss. “I know, but doesn’t it feel good somewhere inside to see how much you mean to him?”
I’m processing everything and don’t know if I should tell her how I’m feeling, but I don’t want to keep anything from Princess either. Eventually, I pull her to me and release a sob. “It’s a double-edged sword. Nothing has ever felt this good and hurt this much at the same time.”
“Seems to be the story of us right there.” There’s a sadness to her words, and I can’t handle her being in pain.
“We’re moving past that, Mel. We’re in a good place.”
“I know, baby, and you’ll move past this too. It’s sad, Sawyer, but it also makes me so proud. Proud of you for being everything Nate needs. Proud of him because he knows better than either of us what he wants from his relationship with you. You’ve been a better parent to him than I have. You caught us when the world was ripped out from beneath us.”
“I didn’t have a choice.” The confession flies from my lips before I can give it too much thought.
“Oh, but you did. Out of anyone, you had the most right to fall into your grief and drown. When Noah died, you lost part of your soul, and that’s something none of us can understand. You are so strong, Sawyer. Noble, loving, fierce, and still a fucking cocky bastard, but you’re my cocky bastard. I love you.”
Once again, it feels like everything has come full circle. Our entire relationship has been filled with good times and bad, but the two of us always manage to end up leaning on each other, supporting each other, and even though it can take some work, we always talk things out. It’s all paid off because she fucking loves me.
My passion for her simmers inside me, and I cup her cheeks in my hand as I slip my tongue into her mouth. Our kiss is unhurried. The two of us let our lips do the talking as our tongues dance to a tantalizing rhythm. This is what love feels like, and my mind is blown. I never thought I’d have something like this, and I’ve got it with the only woman who has ever seen me for me.
It’s like everything between us shifted with Nate’s words. I think that little boy did the impossible tonight—he made the three of us a family.
“I love you too, Princess.”
We snuggle in front of the fire, and I wrap my arm around her. This turned out to be the best Christmas ever. I may not be completely on board with Nate calling me Daddy Sawyer yet, but no matter how I feel, Nate knows what is in his heart. It devastates me that Noah won’t ever hear those words from him, but I know if anyone were to get the honor of Nate’s love, Noah would be happy it’s me.
It’s been a week since Mel confessed her love for me, and I’ve decided it’s time for her to watch my video from Noah. We can’t move on until she does. I know Princess is going to watch it and freak the fuck out. She’s going to read so much into Noah’s video, and I need her to remember my love for her started long before Noah made those videos.
We’re still not having sex, and after having waited this long, I’m not comfortable pushing intimacy either. Not until Mel knows everything there is to know. The two of us have had so many ups and downs already; I’d just like our new beginning to be as smooth as possible.
Before she watches the video, she takes three shots of tequila, and I kiss her with all the love I have. I hope she feels my love to the depths of her soul.
The last thing I expected was for Mel to flee the house less than an hour after taking those shots and watching Noah’s video. While I was giving Nate a bath, she took off without a word. I haven’t been this pissed or scared in a long time. I understand she may feel she’d sobered up, but no one can take three shots of tequila and get behind the wheel of the car. Even if she felt sober, she wasn’t—not at all.
The only reason I knew she was on her way to Wyatt’s was because she texted me. I was able to give them a heads-up about the situation, and Anna texted me as soon as Mel arrived safely. Only then was I finally able to breathe normally again.
A few minutes after I put Nate to bed, Wyatt shows up.
“How is she?” I ask the second I let him inside.
“She’s freaking out.”
“She’s freaking out? Do you know she had three shots of tequila before she left? Why would she do that? That isn’t like her, Wyatt!”
Wyatt sits on the couch and motions for me to stop pacing and take a seat. “You should talk to her about it someday but give her a pass right now. She’s under the impression Noah guilted you into falling in love with her.”
My head spins, and I steady myself on the arm of the couch before taking a seat. “Dammit. I knew she was going to blow that video out of proportion. What did you tell her?”
“What do you think? I told her that was unequivocally not true. And then I left and came here so she and Anna could have some time to talk.”
“Maybe I should let her go. The last thing I want is to make life harder for her.”
With a raised brow, Wyatt calls me on my shit. “You don’t let go of people you love, Sawyer; you fight for them with everything you have. You still love her, right?”
“More than I ever knew could be possible.”
“If she doesn’t calm down by morning, I’ll talk to her. Let her and Anna get drunk and talk. You guys are at the beginning of your journey, and every relationship has ups and downs. Yours is just more complicated than most.”
Sighing, I run my hand through my hair. “What if that doesn’t work?”
Wyatt laughs. “Groveling always works with Anna.” I toss him a dirty look, and he holds his hands up. “Sorry, it’s not funny, but I love seeing this side of you. For so long you acted indifferent when it came to women. It’s nice to see you’re not immune to love.”
“You seem okay with this now. Are you?”
“I wasn’t against it in the first place. I wasn’t sure how to feel. It’s a hard situation to root for or encourage when you’re still mourning the loss that brought it to fruition. But I love you, and I love Mel, and I want both of you to be happy because life is fleeting.”
Wyatt’s phone goes off, and he pulls it from his pocket.
“It’s Anna, she says Mel is spending the night.”
“At least she’ll be safe there.”
“Always, and I owe Mel a favor. I have since the night we met. When she’s ready to listen to what I have to say with an open mind and heart, I’ll help you out if this doesn’t blow over first.”
“What are you going to tell her?”
His gaze meets mine. “I’m going to tell her about the day in the stairwell in New York. Hearing Noah say it’s okay on your video is one thing. Knowing he knew about the kiss and he loved both of you anyway will go a long way toward her healing.”
“Maybe. Mel has an odd way of looking at things sometimes.”
Wyatt laughs again. “Women have an odd way of looking at things period, get used to it. They’re a completely different breed, and we’d be lost without them.”
Wyatt sticks around for a few hours, and we spend some time catching up. Darren is out tonight, so it’s nice to have him here. After he leaves, I check on Nate one more time before going to bed, and then I text Mel again. I tossed and turned all night and was up at the crack of dawn. By the time Princess came home with pastries and coffee, I was a mess. I did everything Wyatt suggested—groveled, begged, confessed my love—but nothing worked. The last thing I expected was for her to call it off and tell me to date other people. But that’s exactly what happened.