The Best of Intentions
This weekend is our first annual camping trip for all the guys. I’m trying to honor the promise I made to Noah about getting together at least once a year after we stopped touring. Camping is a loose term since we’re heading up to my cabin in Big Bear, but it gets the point across. I have to say goodbye to Nate and Mel, and I’m already struggling. The three of us have been together since the accident, and with our newfound closeness, I hate leaving them behind. It’s only been about a week since we had sex, but each day has made me happier than the day before.
We’ve been taking things slower with lots of shared kisses and touching when no one is around, including Darren. I still don’t understand it, but I’m trying to be respectful of her wishes. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to leave this house without a proper goodbye, so I asked Darren to go fill the gas tank for me.
“Come here, Princess.” I pull her close and inhale the scent of her shampoo. It’s sweet and fruity and triggers my cock. “Feel that? I’m not the only one who’s going to miss you.”
She brushes her hand against my length before biting her lip. “Maybe we can take care of that when you get back.”
“I’d rather take care of it now, but if I feel that sweet pussy of yours, I’ll skip the trip to stay buried in you all weekend instead.” I lift her onto the dresser and step between her legs, pressing against her.
Mel hisses and wraps her arms around me. “Do you have any clue how much your dirty fucking mouth turns me on?”
Laughing, I lean down and press a kiss against her lips. “My dirty mouth? Princess, your mouth could rival the dirtiest sailor out there.”
“Is that an issue?” she asks, brow raised.
“The only issue is that I don’t have time to make good on all the wicked things I want to do to your body and for you to do to mine.” Dropping my mouth to hers, I take my time kissing her. This is the most sexual our talks have been since that incredible night, and I don’t want her to think the only thing I want from her is sex.
“Wow …” She brings her fingers to her lips as if trying to capture the magic. “Sawyer, I know things are uncomfortable for you because I want to keep things quiet. Thank you, for respecting my wishes.”
After placing a kiss on her forehead, I back up and grab my wallet and keys. “Princess, there isn’t much you could ask of me that I wouldn’t do for you.” With a beaming smile, she motions for me to come closer with her finger. “Yes, Princess?”
“Kiss me again. This time, do it good enough to last for the three achingly long days you’re going to be gone.”
“Amelia Weston, are you going to miss me?” As I close the distance between us once again, she nods with wide eyes.
“So very much.”
Fucking hell …
Mel wraps her legs around my waist, and I lift her from the desk and carry her to the bed before lowering us to the mattress and covering her body with mine. I brush her hair away from her face and kiss her.
She whimpers as I move my lips over her forehead and down her cheek. “Sawyer,” she cries softly as I glide my tongue across her neck before wrapping it around the shell of her ear. She trembles beneath me as I nip her earlobe.
Goose bumps cover her skin when I whisper, “I’m going to miss you too, Princess. I’ll not only think of you but I’ll call out your name when I’m stroking my cock in the shower.”
She hisses, and I capture her mouth with mine, losing everything I am in her kiss and not giving one single fuck.
“You look happy,” Darren remarks as we pull out of the gate and head over to pick up Wyatt. J is going to pick up Eli at the airport and grab Rob then meet us at the cabin.
“I’m excited and a little worried about this weekend. It may be emotional, but I’m fulfilling a promise to Noah, and I could never be unhappy about that.”
Darren eyes me skeptically but doesn’t call me out on my shit. “Wonderwall” by Oasis plays in the background, and he taps his fingers to the beat.
“This trip is long overdue. We should have taken them more often when Noah was here. I mean, it’s exactly the reason you bought the cabin in the first place. We should bring the kids up in a couple of years and have Christmas there in the snow and build snowmen and do angels and shit.”
“Bet you never really thought about snow angels before Cadence, did you?”
Darren laughs. “Fuck no, but I’ll make angels, have tea parties, and dress up as a princess if that’s what she wants me to do. This is exactly how grown women wrap men around their fingers. It starts when they’re young, and their dads can’t say no. They build on those skills for life.”
I’m cracking up, but he’s got a good point.
“True, look at Saylor and Emme. I’d dress up as a princess for Nate too if he wanted me to. Although I’d prefer to be a superhero, I think I could rock a princess dress.”
“Good to know. We can invite you to Cadence’s parties.”
We stop at Wyatt’s house, and I’m disappointed Anna is already at work, but it makes sense. She’s driven. She doesn’t need to work a day in her life, but that girl has dreams, and I have no doubt she’ll accomplish them all and then some.
“I got coffee and pastries,” Wyatt says, climbing inside the car.
“I knew you loved me,” I reply, turning around and reaching for mine.
“Just not enough to fuck you.”
“Is that your way of saying Bethie has a fantasy?”
Wyatt flips me off, and I laugh. When he yawns, I almost feel bad for him.
“Jake keeping you up at night?” Darren asks sympathetically.
“Yeah, and since Anna has a job and I don’t, I’m the one who gets up with him. Which I’m happy to do, but he’s not the best sleeper. I’m looking forward to a nap as soon as we get to the cabin.”
“This might wake you up. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you guys this. I think Belle actually rubbed off on my grandmother in a good way.”
I glance at Darren and back to the road. “Come again?”
“We were at the store the other day. Gram wanted to go shopping, but she didn’t say why or where. She’s old, so I wasn’t going to say no. You know I love her even if she’s a snob. Well, we ended up in the infant section at fucking Bloomingdales of all places. She wanted to shop for Cadence.”
“Whoa,” Wyatt replies.
“Dude, that’s not even the best part. This woman came up to us, looked at Cady, and said, ‘Interracial couples make the cutest babies.’ I wasn’t going to argue and tell her all babies are cute and she probably shouldn’t go around saying that to people because it’s offensive to some. Anyway, Gram looked at her and said, ‘I absolutely agree. My great-granddaughter is beautiful like her mom.’ She reached for my hand and squeezed it. I needed a minute after that. I thought I was going to lose it in the middle of fucking Bloomies.”
That was all Belle right there.
It had to be.
“My mind is fucking blown. Your gram has always loved you even through her … old-fashioned views.”
Darren snorts. “You can say racist.”
Wyatt tries a different approach. “She’s old-school, but she loves you and Cadence, so maybe racist isn’t the best word for her … anymore.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that.”
Wyatt and Darren debate about his grandma some more while I drink my coffee. We haven’t hit any traffic so far, but with almost three hours to go, it’s still a possibility. After I finish my coffee, I’m more present for the conversation. Like a great friend, Wyatt even brought me a refill. The three of us munch on some pastries while we drink our coffee, make small talk, and discuss the details of Noah’s EP release.
When we finally arrive at the cabin, I sigh in relief. It’s nice to be surrounded by nothing but nature and fresh air. Majestic pine trees surround us, and the lake runs along the backside of the house. It’s absolute perfection. With six bedrooms, there is plenty of room for everyone at my cabin. It’s chilly up here, but we came prepared for the cold.
We make quick work of unpacking the SUV, and when we step inside the cabin, I realize I’ve never been here without Noah. This is what it’s going to be like for the rest of my life. There aren’t many things I did without Noah by my side.
Wyatt picks up on my hesitation immediately. “Come on, Sawyer, we’ll get through this together.”
“Yeah, man, Noah will be here in spirit,” Darren says with confidence even though his eyes seem a bit glassy.
“Is it too early to drink?”
Darren is one step ahead of me, already looking for shot glasses. We follow him into the kitchen. “We’re fucking rock stars. Too early to drink doesn’t exist for us.”
“Are we?” Wyatt asks solemnly. “Still rock stars? We don’t have a band anymore without Noah, and we’re not planning any new music or tours. Do we still qualify?”
“We’re going to need a lot more alcohol and maybe a few more people to have this discussion without any bias. But if you’re asking me, yes, even without Noah, we are still and will always be rock stars. We paved the way for a lot of bands who followed in our footsteps, and I don’t know about you guys, but I still want Weston Brothers Records to become a reality.”
I’m first to toss back my shot, but they follow quickly.
Darren nods enthusiastically. “I’m with Sawyer, I had way too much rock star pussy to give up my title.”
“Well … I never had rock star pussy, so I have no idea what that’s like.”
Darren laughs and pours another round. “Dude, has Anna ever fulfilled some kind of groupie fantasy or rock star wife fantasy for you?” Wyatt blushes furiously. “Mmhm, that’s what I thought. You’ve had rock star sex, my friend. Besides, you know Anna has probably had tons of fantasies about her rock star husband while you were on tour.”
“Enough, Darren, you’re going to make my ears bleed. I know Bethie and Wyatt fuck, but I don’t need to think about it right now.”
“I’m just saying …”
Wyatt interrupts, “All right, I’m old, and my son thinks nighttime is where all the action is, so I’m going to take a nap before everyone gets here.”
“Man, you just answered your own question. Even your kid parties like a rock star.” Wyatt flips Darren the bird before grabbing his bag and heading upstairs.
“Damn, how long has it been since we’ve even come up here?” I try to remember, but it’s not coming to me.
Darren answers immediately, “I think it was right before we released the Cadence album.”
It’s been longer than I thought. “That was at least three years ago, maybe four.” I head for the back of the house and push the button to open the blinds covering the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the lake.
“I don’t think I can ever get tired of this view,” Darren says, joining me.
“Noah couldn’t either. He was always like a kid at an elevator. He had to be the one to rush into the house and push the button.”
“He was also the one who always managed to catch the first fish. Lucky bastard.” Darren smiles at the memory, and we open the door and step out on the deck.
“I’m never going to stop missing him.”
Darren leans back against the rail, dropping his sunglasses over his eyes. “Me either. This was the best and hardest year of my life. Having Cadence is seriously better than I ever thought having a kid would be. Her smile, or Nate’s for that matter, can instantly put me in a better mood. But losing Belle, it’s just fucked. And then losing Noah a few hours later makes me feel like we did some karmically bad shit in a past life.”
“Noah wouldn’t see it that way. He’d see it as just another fork in the road of life. Belle, even with her ‘live each day to the fullest’ attitude, would still be pissed. How are you doing with what happened at the bar that night?”
Darren hops up on the rail of the deck. “I’m fine. I wish I would have waited, but it’s done. The therapist helped me realize I’m not hurting anyone but myself. She thinks once I can forgive myself, it won’t hurt as much the next time. The first time is always hardest, blah, blah, blah.”
“As long as you’re cool. I’m going to run to the store and grab some food and drinks. Wanna come?”
“Nah, I’m going to sit out here and enjoy the view and the quiet before everyone gets here.”
“All right, I’ll be back soon.”
When I return from the store, Darren’s dozing on the couch. After putting the groceries away, I go to my room and text Mel.
Wyatt and Darren are both asleep. Maybe I should have brought you instead.
Princess: Oh yeah? What would we be doing?
Not sleeping. You’d be screaming my name loud enough to cause a ripple effect on the lake.
Princess: Is that so?
I could send you a picture of what thinking about it is doing to my cock, but I’d rather show you in person.
Princess: If you sent me a photo I might be desperate enough to use my hand after all.
If you used your hand, I’d have to come home and watch because that would be HAWT!
Princess: I think you miss me already.
You know me well—the question is, do you miss me?
Princess: I’ll miss you more later when I’m drunk and horny
Call me then, and maybe I’ll send you that photo, or better yet we can have Skype sex.
Princess: You have a one-track mind. Anna just got here, and your sisters will be here in a couple of hours. Don’t forget you’re supposed to think of me when you’re in the shower.
I always do.
Princess: Fuck … that’s hot.
I send her a link for “Into You” by Ariana Grande. After a couple of minutes, she sends me a link for “Encore” by Jason Derulo, and I laugh.
I’ll give you as many encores as you want all you have to do is ask.
Princess: Okay Sawyer, let me be clear—when you get back I want an encore of the other night.
Done, text me later if you need anything okay?
Princess: I’ll be fine.
Humor me.
Princess: If I need you, I’ll call.
Thank you.
Eli, Rob, and J arrive around lunchtime. Wyatt and Darren are finally up, and everyone seems to be in good spirits. Alcohol is flowing, music is playing, and the sandwich platter they brought is almost gone.
“Are we fishing or what?” Rob asks as he looks out at the lake.
“Fuck yeah,” J calls out. “I’m going to take over Noah’s record for always catching the first fish.”
Eli joins them at the back door. “I’m so ready to fish. It’s been years since I’ve had downtime like this.”
“I’m going to pass,” I tell them now that the alcohol is kicking in. “I’ll fish tomorrow, but I’m enjoying the day drinking today.”
“Well, count me in.” Wyatt grabs his fishing pole by the door. “I brought my favorite pole, and I’m ready to catch dinner.”
“I’m with Sawyer. Today is a day for drinking and relaxing. You guys have fun.”
Darren and I help them pack an ice chest of drinks, and then we get comfortable on the deck as they make their way down to the dock.
“What gives?” Darren asks when they’re out of earshot.
“What do you mean?”
“You love to fish. You’re usually the first one down there.”
I finish my beer and open a new one. “I still love to fish, but one hurdle at a time. I’m enjoying the house today. Noah and I used to always bet on who would catch the first fish of the day. I’m just not ready to …”
“Do something else without him. I get it.”
Darren and I bullshit and drink for the next hour or so before going inside for more beer. We make our way into the studio down the hall because it’s my favorite room in the house.
“Why don’t we come up here to make music anymore? I always thought we did some of our best work in this studio.”
“Well, Warren thought it was too far away from civilization when we were making music. We couldn’t leave at the drop of a hat for a gig or an interview. Sucks he couldn’t make it this weekend.”
Darren nods thoughtfully. “I think Warren is enjoying his time being Sam’s husband for a change.”
“That’s true. Since the accident, I think they’ve realized just how much each minute counts.”
“Speaking of …” Darren catches my eye. “I was going to ask you this earlier, but I wasn’t sure what Wyatt knows. How are things going with Mel? Before you blow me off, you should know I heard you two going at it the other night.”
Shit. I promised her I wouldn’t say anything, but Darren lives with us; it was bound to come out.
“We’re taking things slowly, but I think things are good. I fucking love her, and I know it’s a lot for her to take in right now, but she agreed to try.” A smile spreads across my face because I can’t think of her and not smile these days.
“I’m happy for you. It sounded like you guys were having a good time.”
“She’s scared, and I get it. Mel doesn’t want anyone knowing until we see where this goes. She’s worried about how the family may take the news.”
Darren leans forward. “What are you worried about?”
“Losing her if everyone freaks out. The whole love and relationship thing is new to me, but my family will lose their shit. Maybe not Mom, and probably not Diane, but the rest of them, yeah …”
“Fuck them. Seriously, man, you and Mel deserve happiness and love. And the fact you’re finding it together? More power to you. No one will ever love her like you do.”
“Except for Noah, right? What the fuck, Sawyer? Are you actually doing this again? But to your dead brother this time?”
Dammit …
Darren and I look up at Rob standing in the doorway with J right behind him. Rob flies across the room in a rage, and the instant his fist collides with my jaw, I’m out of my chair. What is with my family using their fucking fists?
I’m stronger than Rob, and I’ve got him up against the wall in seconds with my arm at his throat. “This isn’t your business, Rob, and you don’t know anything about this subject.”
“I know you have a thing for going after Noah’s women. Like you’re not famous enough to have anyone you choose, but for some reason, you need his sloppy seconds!”
Darren forcefully shoves his way between us, pulling me away from Rob. “You come with me; we’re going to have a chat. J, stay here with your brother.”
Darren shoves Rob out to the hall and to God only knows where. I’m so pissed I see stars.
“Don’t move,” J says as he leaves the room. He’s back a minute later with a bag of frozen broccoli. “It’s all you had. Put it on your face and tell me what the hell is going on.”
I hiss as the ice touches my skin. “You already know.”
“Sawyer, I know that first Thanksgiving you had a thing for Mel, but you’ve seemed on the fence since then. Sometimes, it’s like you had a thing for her, and you were happy for Noah at other times. For the most part, I try to stay out of your business, so why don’t you fill me in on the whole story?”
“Why are you guys back in the house anyway, and where are Wyatt and Eli?”
“We needed more beer. You need to make this quick and I’ll take the beer down to the dock so they don’t come back in looking for us. It should buy you some time. Spill it, Sawyer.”
With a bag of frozen vegetables against my face, I tell Jordan a condensed version of everything.
“You’re so fucked.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. Are you angry at me too?”
Jordan shakes his head. “You know me better than that. I don’t know what to think about you and Mel, but my opinion doesn’t matter anyway. If you’re happy, I’m not one to judge. If she’s happy, same story. Noah’s gone, and everything is messed up. You’ve got to do what makes you happy, Sawyer, and if Mel does that for you, fuck everyone else.”
“Thanks, J.”
“Yeah, no problem. I’m going to take those beers back to the lake and come up with some excuse why Rob isn’t there.”
My phone rings as he leaves the room.
“Hey, Diane.”
“I’m so pissed at my husband right now. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, but I’m pissed at him too.”
She blows out a sigh on the other end of the line. “I’m on my way to your house, and I’m going to get drunk with Mel. Look, Rob is being an asshole, but he promised not to say anything to anyone in exchange for me telling him what’s going on tomorrow. Does that work for you?”
“Whatever you need to do, but please don’t say anything to Mel. She’s barely ready to try with me. If she finds out everyone knows, she’s going to shut it all down. I can’t lose her yet.”
“I’m sorry, Sawyer. I was hoping by the time the two of you worked out your feelings, people would be more accepting of it. You love her, don’t you?”
“With everything I am,” I whisper.
“Good. Rob wants to leave, but I convinced him to stay until tomorrow. Make the most of your night, Sawyer. I’ll deal with everything else when you get back. Mel won’t hear any of this from me.”
“Thanks, Diane.”
“Don’t thank me, just be happy for once. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
Rob didn’t hit me hard enough to leave a mark. After an hour or so, the redness went away and I was able to pretend nothing happened. The guys seemed to be having a fun time until we got too drunk for our own good. After that, the rest of the night was spent reminiscing and crying. It was sad but cathartic. When Rob said he needed to go home the next day, no one seemed upset. Maybe a three-day trip our first time out was a bit optimistic.
J took Rob home, and we brought Eli back to the house with us. I figured if our weekend got cut short, Princess could at least benefit and spend time with her best friend. It also allowed me to duck into my room and try to figure out what the hell to do next. If I tell Mel mostly everyone found out about us, she’ll put a stop to this before we even get started. And if I don’t tell her and she finds out, it will be the same result. I’m screwed either way.
The weekend came and went, and before I knew it, weeks had passed. I’ve become extremely adept at avoiding Mel. It’s hard because all I want to do is shower her with affection, but how can I when I can’t even honor her wishes? The sad thing is, she seems okay. I know Mel is strong, but she’s acting like this doesn’t affect her. The only reason how I know it’s an act is because she’s hanging out in Noah’s closet a lot more. It’s killing me to see her regress like this. Maybe she regrets us, or maybe she’s lost and doesn’t want to make waves if I’ve changed my mind.
One Friday night about six weeks after Mel and I had sex, Darren barges into my room.
“You’ve got to fix this, Sawyer.”
“Fix what?”
“Your relationship with Mel. It’s affecting the entire house. You guys barely speak two words to each other anymore, and I think the kids are picking up on the weird vibes.”
I put down my phone and look up at him. “What do you want me to do?”
“Pull your fucking head out of your ass and make things right with your woman!”
With a sardonic laugh, I reply, “You mean Noah’s wife, don’t you?”
“Fuck you, Sawyer, don’t play this shit with me. Even if she was Noah’s wife, she was your woman before, and she’s your woman again. Fix this shit. Take her to the club tomorrow. Fuck her into oblivion, whatever you have to do. I’m tired of watching the two of you mope around like miserable fucks.”
The club isn’t a bad idea. We don’t have to talk if we don’t want to, and we could take the opportunity to let our bodies say all the words we can’t seem to speak to each other right now.
“You’ll watch Nate?”
“Of course. What started this anyway? You were so excited at the cabin. Does this have to do with Rob?”
I stretch out against my headboard and cross my feet. “Yes and no. I failed her, Darren. She only asked one thing from me: not to let the family find out. I couldn’t even do that for her. I have to come clean, and she’s going to be pissed.”
“Seriously?” He throws his hands in the air. “Jesus, all you had to do was tell her Rob was a nosy bastard and eavesdropping on shit he had no right to hear. That isn’t your fault, Sawyer.”
“She would have backed off.”
Darren’s eyes light up in recognition. “That’s why you decided to back off first, so you wouldn’t get hurt.” When I don’t answer, he takes a seat. “I’m afraid to break it to you, but love doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t matter who breaks things off; the pain still rears its ugly head no matter what. You’re better than this, Sawyer. Fix your shit and enjoy the make-up sex.”
“Who made you so smart?”
He grins. “Belle schooled me in all things love on the regular. Stick with Mel and you’ll learn too.”
While I’m out getting coffee and pastries, Jordan calls. I’m trying to listen and stay low-key at the coffee shop. The last thing I need today is to be accosted by a bunch of fans. It seems Noah moved up Jordan’s timetable for him. Tony sent J a check from Noah’s trust, and Jordan is freaking out. It’s funny how well Noah knew all of us. There doesn’t seem to be a thing he hadn’t considered and planned. I’ve never been that thorough about anything in my life. I’m lucky if I can plan from one day to the next. Case and point, all I wanted to do today was make things right with Mel, convince her to go on a date with me, and finally show her my house. I’m still going to do all of that, but now I have to go to Jordan’s and talk him off the ledge. I’ll take Mel with me if I can get her to agree to leave the house. I think it would do J good to talk to her about the money, and he’s on the way to the creek house anyway. Besides, stopping a J’s will buy me a little more time before I have to tell Princess almost everyone knows about us. It’s not a conversation I’m looking forward to having.