Changes
The next morning, I was happier than I can remember being in a long time. Mel agreed to move into my room with me, and she finally let me into her heart. When she surprised me with a trip to her parents’ house to pack up all their things and sell it, I was floored. It’s like we’d passed this major obstacle in our relationship and she’d concluded that moving forward was the only way to go. Of course, I was on board with any and all of it. Whatever made her happy and at the same time gave us a fighting chance was good in my book.
As much progress as we made that day, it was what happened that night that took my breath away. The two of us were curled up in bed together, and she was tucked into the crook of my arm. The sensation of her fingers trailing over my chest was exhilarating. Maybe it was the tequila shots we did or maybe just the newfound peace between us, but our sudden closeness was everything I’d been hoping for.
“Sawyer,” she whispers.
“What’s up, Princess?”
“Someday, I want to have lots of babies with you.” I tighten my arms around her as I try to remember how to breathe. Never in a million years would I have guessed she was going to say that.
“Define lots.”
“Two, maybe three …”
I laugh softly into her hair. I’ll happily take as many babies as she wants to give me. “I consider lots five or six, but I’ll take two or three for now. Besides, since twins run in the family, it could be five or six kids in the long run.”
“If we have kids, do you think–”
“When, Princess, there is no ‘if’ allowed in that sentence.”
“Okay, when. Do you think you’ll love them differently than Nate?”
The question surprises me, but I understand why she’d ask. I’m not sure she can handle my answer though. Even if it’s the truth, it’s a hard truth to grasp.
“I might.” Sighing, I pull her tighter to me. “I’m not sure I could love any child more than I love Nate. He’ll always be my favorite kid, but you can’t tell anyone that, it’s like a parent handbook law or something.” She relaxes in my arms at my confession. “Do you think you’ll love our kids as much as you love Nate?” It’s something I’ve thought about a lot lately but never thought I’d ask. She’s quiet for a long while. “Mel? Did I lose you?”
“I’m afraid I’ll love them more because they’re a part of you.”
Her admission rips my heart open because I know how difficult that must have been for her to admit. It also makes me happy, not that she thinks that but because she loves me enough for it to be a concern of hers.
“That will never happen, Nate is too awesome. If anything, you’ll just be like all the moms and claim you love them the same.”
“Can I ask you something?” she asks, and I laugh because it seems to be her favorite question.
“I thought we already decided you could ask me anything, anytime.”
“You said you loved me before the accident. Do you know when you realized you knew?”
“It was the night at Sully’s. When you saved me from my sleep demons. That night, you treated me with love and compassion, and I knew I was already a goner.”
That seems like another lifetime ago. It’s strange how things seem so dire at times, and later we realize everything worked out for the best. As much as I cared for her back then, I’d never go back if I could. Then we wouldn’t have Nate, and without him, life wouldn’t be worth living. Besides, knowing Noah had his every happiness before he died gives me the strength I need on the bad days. Noah died happy and with a heart filled with love. We should all be so lucky when it’s our time.
“The night you kissed me in your bathroom, I knew there was something special about you. Scary special. Belle and I even talked about it afterward.”
“You talked to Belle about me? How did that conversation go?”
“You know how Belle was, she had so many questions.”
Thinking about Belle makes me happy, it probably always will. She was an amazing woman, and I’m lucky to have called her a friend.
“She was a force to be reckoned with, for sure. What did she want to know?”
“She was blown away that you nicknamed me. She said she’d never heard of you doing that before. And she wanted to know what it was like to kiss you.”
It was like goddamn fucking nirvana. Leaning in close, I groan against her neck, soaking in her pulse against my lips. “And what was it like, Mel? Tell me and maybe I’ll do it again.”
She whimpers, and my dick jumps as I trace her heated skin with my tongue. “I told her kissing you made me believe in the devil because nothing could feel that good without being completely damning to my soul. Our chemistry scared me.”
Damn, that’s hot. My mouth seeks hers, and I lick her lips before dipping my tongue inside her mouth. She cries out, and my cock aches in response. It’s unfortunate because I want to hear the rest of her story. She gasps as I leave her wanting more. I’ll make it up to her.
“What did she say?”
“She said I shouldn’t push you away because if it felt that good you must have been sent by God himself.”
“Sounds like she might have been onto something.”
“Hm, maybe she was.”
“Is that actually how you felt?”
“Yeah, it really is. It scared me, a lot. All I could think about was my parents and what a disaster their marriage turned into with all that chemistry.”
I prop myself up on my elbow and gently caress her arm. I’ve always known this was a concern for her. How could it not be? “We’re not them, Mel, and we never will be.”
“I know that now, but I was scared back then. Getting back on a bus, heading out on tour, it was all frightening but in the best possible way. My favorite thing about waking up in the morning was talking to you. Getting to know all the little things you deemed it okay for me to know. Becoming your friend was one of the best feelings in the world. But then …”
“Then what?”
“We ended up in the same elevator the day I was drunk and you were with that groupie.”
With a groan, I shake my head. That was such a mistake. “Don’t remind me. I was a complete ass.”
“You were, and I was so jealous. I wouldn’t admit it to myself then, but I was fuming. I wanted to scratch her eyes out.”
Pulling her lips to mine, I dip my tongue inside her mouth, tasting her briefly, like I wish I had that night. I knew she was jealous; the way she watched us was a dead giveaway. “She was a horrible lay if that helps.”
“Jesus, Sawyer. No, it doesn’t.” She laughs through her mock offense, but I know she’s secretly pleased.
“Why are you telling me all of this?”
Her beautiful hazel eyes meet mine. “I’m not sure. I think I want you to realize my feelings back then weren’t so cut and dry. If I hadn’t been ruled by my fear, the decision between you and Noah may not have been so black and white. I hate that you feel like you’re in second place. It hurts my heart, Sawyer. A lot.”
As I pull her close, I kiss her deeply, taking my time, hoping she not only feels my love but that she drowns in it. When I push past the pain, I know we’re where we’re supposed to be right now.
“What about Noah? Did he know?”
“No, I never told him, there was no point. Whatever feelings I had for you were separate from him. Even though I played it safe, I don’t feel like Noah was the safe choice. At the time, he was the only choice I was comfortable with, and I will always cherish our time together and our son. But that says more about me than anything. I wasn’t ready for the overwhelming sensations that came from loving you back then, but I am now. The two of you cast some kind of spell on me. And I will never, ever, regret my time with him. I consider our love and marriage one of the biggest blessings of my life. I will always miss him.”
“Me too.”
It always comes back to this—the mutual grief we share. It’s an odd situation because people are usually thankful for whatever brought them together. Losing Noah isn’t something either of us will ever be thankful for, but maybe learning to love in spite of our grief is part of our journey.
“Sawyer, you make me whole. You bring me to life, and you are also one of my biggest blessings. Someday, I’m going to figure out a way to write this down, to show you my feelings in a broad sense so you can understand it was never first or second, win or lose. It was … fate.”
I groan at her statement. “I know, but I guess Noah rubbed off on me after all. Fate gave me to him to make his last days the best of his life. And fate gave me to you so the rest of our days can be the best days of our lives.”
I want to believe the two of us have the best days of our lives ahead of us.
“Sometimes, it gets to me that Noah had you. I was already second out of the womb so I’ve got issues in that department. If I get down in the dumps about it, I promise it will pass. Even if I was a little bit of a sore loser, I was happy for you and Noah. Without the two of you we wouldn’t have Nate, and our son is the light of my life. He is all the best parts of you and Noah in one perfect little package. The way his eyes light up when he calls me Daddy Sawyer is the best high I’ve ever had. The point is, I know we’re where we should be right now and there’s no point dredging over the past again and again because we’re already living our future.”
She sighs, and her voice softens. “Sawyer?”
“Yeah?”
“Make love to me.”
I’ll never get tired of her asking me that, and I’ll never get tired of doing it. “It would be my absolute pleasure. And Princess, just so you know … you’re the only woman I’ve ever nicknamed.”
The way she launches herself at me makes it clear she’s happy about that. She’s the one woman who has ever had me in all the ways that matter, and she’s the only one who ever will.
The weeks flew by after that night. Mel and I worked hard on Noah’s foundation and launched without too many issues. Because it was draining us emotionally, we agreed to hire a staff and let Rory run the day-to-day business. She’s still pissed at us, but beneath her anger, I know she’s eternally grateful for the opportunity and will never tire of keeping Noah’s memory alive.
Mel has struggled trying to come up with the right grants to launch. And when it became obvious to me that somehow Noah was pushing her from beyond, I told her about The Sunshine Project. Her reaction to the news and seeing the building was more than we’d hoped for. Noah would have been so damn proud. The kids were out in full force when we visited the dorm. They’re always happy to see me, but when they saw Nate’s excitement as he ran through the halls of the big building, they all high-fived him and took time to give him all the attention a two-year-old could want. Mel cried most of the day, but they were tears of joy. When we got home that night, I saw the extra grants she put on her list and the peace in her eyes, and I knew it was the right choice. Her heart is so full of love for everyone; it’s no wonder she and Noah fell in love so fast.
Tomorrow is Veronica’s wedding, and I’m supposed to be meeting the jeweler to pick up the rings I ordered for Mel and me. Before I could make it there, I stopped off at the florist and then the cemetery. Once I’ve placed flowers on Belle and Noah’s graves, I shove my hands in my pockets and look between them.
The sadness that fills my heart when I visit won’t ever go away. The heart must have a mind of its own because just as it feels love, it also feels sadness for a lifetime and never quite relinquishes it.
“This morning, I got a call that the rings I ordered are ready. They’re absolutely perfect for Princess, and I know she’ll love them. The only problem is I’m not sure if I can ever give them to her.”
I take a seat on the grass facing their headstones. “Don’t get me wrong, I love her with everything I am, but at the same time, she’s still your wife, Noah. You’ve made it abundantly clear this is okay with you, that this is the path you’d prefer we take. Even without your permission, I think we eventually would have found ourselves here. I’m not sure it’s right though.”
I whip my head around when I feel a hand on my shoulder, but no one is there. Goose bumps cover my skin, and my body trembles as a chill goes through me. Then I let out a long laugh.
“Noah, is that your way of saying it’s okay? Damn, I miss the hell out of you. We try, you know? To make the best of each day, to remember you and honor you the best way we know how. There’s even talk of a Grammy nomination for your EP. I’m so fucking proud of you for that, and you’re not even here for me to hug. Mel sometimes mentions a solo career for me, but damn, Noah, it should have been you.
“If you were here, Belle, I know you’d be telling me to pull my head out of my ass, propose, and get it over with. Maybe you’d be right, but there are so many layers to Mel, and I’m afraid my world will implode if I pull back the wrong one at the wrong time. The two of us are good, but at times we walk a delicate balance between the past and the present. I’m afraid talking about the future will set us back, but I do it anyway because I’m so fucking excited to share my life with her. Most of the time, I let her bring things up …
“She brought up having kids together. I’m sorry, Noah. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking to you about this, but you’re my best friend, and you would have been the first person I’d have told when you were here. Do you have any clue how much I want that? To grow a family with her? To give Nate brothers and sisters like we had growing up? I’m not even sure why I’m here other than I miss you both. It’s not like you can actually tell me anything.”
I stand and brush the grass off my pants. I’m going to be late if I don’t get going soon.
“Veronica’s getting married tomorrow. We’re all going, and the kids are excited to be in the wedding. It’s the first one since you married Mel. I’d be lying if I said I’m not worried. The past few weeks have been difficult for Mel. Being a part of the wedding, throwing showers for Veronica, doing all the mother-daughter things without you, Belle … God, she misses you like crazy. She writes you letters, did you know that? I wonder if she writes them to Noah too and just doesn’t say anything. I know it’s important for her to get it all out and it’s better than her hanging out in Noah’s closet, listening to all that depressing music. At least she hasn’t done that in a while. Thanks for listening, or for giving me the illusion that maybe you hear me. I love you both and miss you constantly. Everyone else is doing okay. I think you’d both be pleased. I’ll come visit again soon.”
When I get back to the car, I pick up my phone and check my notifications. There are a bunch from Facebook, and when I look at it, I have to blink back the tears. A memory has popped up from one of Noah’s posts a couple of years ago, and people are commenting about missing him. That’s not what gets me though—it’s the post itself.
There are times when Sawyer and I fight and the world seems upside down. Last night was one of those times. Sometimes it’s the dumbest shit that sets us off, and being on a bus with someone all day, every day can do that to anyone, I’m sure. The difference is, where something small might break a normal relationship, all it does to Sawyer and me is remind us how petty we’re being. There is nothing in this world or the next that could kill our bond. Maybe it’s a twin thing, a brother thing, or just a fucking best friend thing, but all I know is this: no matter the storm, Sawyer and I will weather it together, forgive each other’s transgressions, and always come out stronger on the other side.
P.S. For anyone who doesn’t already know, Sawyer is a serious MOFO when it comes to his Pop-Tarts. Don’t ever eat the last one.
By the time I finish reading, I’m laughing and crying. If this isn’t a fucking sign to go pick up Mel’s rings, I don’t know what is.
“I love you, Noah, and even though I don’t want it to be today, I can’t wait to hug you when I’m with you on the other side.”