CHAPTER FIFTEEN

 

 

SAM

“Ash?” She’s so still; like one of those human statues. Only her shoulders move up and down quickly as though she’s breathing too fast. I grasp her hand and disentangle my phone from her fingers, pocket it. I fight the urge to call him back and tell the man he’s a fool. His daughter is so much more important than his memories. How is he not able to see that? How can he crush her the way he does?

“Hmmm?” She keeps her back to me, lost in her own thoughts.

“Look at me, Ash.” I grasp her elbow and turn her around. She barely glances at me, so I take her face between both my hands. Who cares if Summer works out we’re together on her own? Who cares if our friends are gaping at us now, or are completely oblivious? Year after year we’ve all made excuses for him, but not anymore. I remember my own dad telling me that Robert loved Ashleigh in his own way, but it was hard on him when she reminded him so much of his wife. But surely a man who loved his daughter wouldn’t be so cold. “He’s the one who screwed up. Not you. He couldn’t get his own head out of his ass long enough to realize how lucky he was to have you in his life.”

“Because I broke his heart,” she says, matter of fact. It’s been indoctrinated into her head for so long it’s become truth to her.

“God, no. It wasn’t your fault. It was an unfortunate situation. That’s all. You’re not to blame for everything that happens. Not your mother’s death and not your father’s inability to be a fucking human. You have to know that.”

“Maybe.” She bites her lip, glancing at some point near my bicep. “I think I just need a minute.”

“Sure.” I squeeze her elbow. “We can use the office.”

“No.” She pushes a strand of hair behind her ear as she finally brings her gaze to mine. “If it’s all right, I need to be on my own for a little while. A few minutes to compose myself.”

“Are you sure?”

She almost smiles at that, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Of more things than you would believe.”

What’s that supposed to mean? I watch her quickly cross the room and leave via the kitchen, and immediately I want to go after her. Instead, I pour another drink and wait. Just because she took off upset, doesn’t mean she’s running away.

“How long, Sam?” Summer nudges me in the ribs with her elbow.  

“Huh?”

“Oh I don’t know, you hypocrite.” She begins to mimic me, “They’re too old for you, Summer. You can’t possibly have anything in common. They want things you’re not ready for. You’re too young to settle down. Exactly how much history is there between you and Ash anyway?”

I almost spit out my drink. Have to thump my fist to my chest when it goes down the wrong way. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh no?” She crosses her arms over her chest and stares me down. “Are you now going to tell me that this thing between you two sprung up out of nowhere?”

“We’ve been friends a long time.” I shrug. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Why are you avoiding answering the question?” She narrows blue eyes that are almost identical to mine. “I might only teach math to six-year-olds, but I can still add up the clues here. You two are like a sudoku puzzle, actually. Her crush that summer we were fourteen…we practically stalked you. Your inability to date a girl you actually might fall for in the past ten years. What she said the other night about not being able to love anyone because she’d already found the one.”

“And if your crazy rambling is true?” I ask.

“Do you love her?” She scrunches her brows together. “Like really, really love her?”

“I almost asked her to marry me seven years ago. Does that answer your question?”

She lets out a low whistle. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because she ran off to take a job with an airline that would keep her as far away from me as possible. Told me she was too young for us to be serious about each other.” I glance at the kitchen doors. How long has it been since she stepped out of the room?

“Now it begins to make sense.” She nods slowly.

“There was more to it than that.” I’m finding it suddenly uncomfortable to breathe. My chest tightens as I check the time. Has it really been twenty minutes? What is she doing? She wouldn’t take off now, would she? She’s not the same old Ash who goes on a bender when she can’t cope. Aren’t we past that?

“Where did she get to anyway?” Summer asks.

“I don’t know.” I grit my teeth as I stalk in the direction she went. “I’m going to go check on her.”

She’s not in the kitchen, or my office, or the pantry. The storage room is empty, and she’s not tucked away on the stairs. Our room is empty, though her clothes are still there. And that cupcake is still sitting on my bedside table. I double back to the kitchen and grab my coat off the hook by the back door before stepping out into the cold.

Zipping up the down coat, I pace along the edge of the building, checking both ends where there are little alcoves some of the staff use for smoking. I pull out my phone and check for text messages or missed calls although it hasn’t made a peep since her father hung up on her. When I call her, she doesn’t answer.

“Where are you, Ash?” My pulse is racing as I round the building. She’s not out front either. And a glance through the front windows shows she hasn’t gone back inside.

Loud music pumps out of Mayhem Avenue. Grunge or pop rock, or something in between. I put my head down and march in that direction. Christ, I hope she’s there. Damn, I hope she’s not in there getting hammered or dancing on the bar. My jaw starts to hurt, probably because I’m clenching it so tightly.

I slip through the door and wind my way to the bar, so I can get a central view of the room. It’s stuffy inside, and I start to sweat as I scan the crowd. It’s on my second pass I catch sight of her. She’s facing in my direction, her companion’s back turned to me as he leans against the wall with her caught between them. They’re deep in conversation.

I tug at the zip on my coat. Why is it so hot in here? And why do my legs feel shaky all of a sudden? The guy moves in real close, but she doesn’t push him away. I take a step toward them. And then another.

She turns her head to lift a glass with something dark in it as he gets too close for comfort. My vision goes hazy. Am I wrong about Ash? Is she really that screwed up by her past? Was I wrong to believe we could do things differently? End things differently? Have a future?

Her gaze lands on mine as she pauses in whatever she’s telling him. Her jaw drops, and her bottom lip falls open, but she doesn’t move away from him. Is this how she pushes me away? Is this how she finally makes me give up on her? I can’t believe she’d go this far, and yet my eyes tell me otherwise.

I spin around, get dizzy. Maybe all that champagne went to my head. Perhaps that’s why I’m so uneven on my feet. Or it could be because there’s an elephant crushing my fucking chest right now.

“Sam?” I swear I hear her voice even through the music, but my feet move toward the exit of their own accord. I can’t breathe in here, and I need oxygen. I need cold air to sober me up. I need to have a stronger backbone when it comes to this girl who destroys me every damn time.

“Are you all right?” someone asks as I slam through the door and out onto the street.

Am I? Am I? How the fuck am I supposed to be all right now?

I swing right as the door flies open again behind me. “Sam. Shit. Sam. Stop.”

She sounds breathless. From chasing me? Or running into some other guy’s arms?

I spin back around. Really need to stop doing that. It’s messing with my head more than she is right now. “Why?”

“I need to explain.” She hurries up to me, does a double take when she sees my face. Can she see how disappointed I am? Can she tell she’s finally pushed me to my limit? “Sam, what’s wrong?”

Oh my God, I almost laugh out loud at that. It gets lodged in my throat so hard it burns. “Are you kidding me? After everything, you haven’t changed a bit, have you?”

“It’s not that simple,” she says, grabbing my bicep. “And I don’t think now’s the time to explain. We should get you back to the restaurant. Call a—”

“No.” I jerk away from her. My heart hurts so damn much over her. “Don’t come back to the restaurant, Ash. Don’t come back. I’ll give Summer your things. I can’t do this anymore. You can’t come back.”

“Sam, please,” she chokes out. “You have to understand—”

“I tried. I really tried.” My arms weigh a ton when I try to shrug. “But some lines you can’t cross and come back from.”

“Sam.” She grabs both my biceps and shakes me. “Will you listen to me, please? You need a doctor. Right now. You need a fucking doctor.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” How is a doctor supposed to stop this heartache? My heart? This pain? These symptoms? “Oh shit.”

“We need to take you to the hospital.”

“I’m having a…Oh God.”

“Someone call an ambulance,” she screams as the pavement rushes up to meet my knees.

“An ambulance?” A man asks.

“Yes. We need an ambulance.” Ash sinks to the ground beside me, takes my hand in hers.

“Calling right now,” the guy says.

“Am I?” I wheeze. Can’t catch my breath. Is this what my father felt before he passed? It hurts like a son of a bitch. “Heart attack?”

“You’re going to be all right, Sam.” She squeezes my hand for dear life as her fingers stroke my hair away from my forehead. Her voice cracks when she says, “Just stay with me, all right? Just stay with me. I need you to be okay. Please, Sam. Don’t let go.”

***

I don’t know how long I’ve been out. I was semi-aware when they stretchered me into the back of the ambulance. Ash was still holding my hand at that point, wasn’t she? Tears were trembling on her lashes, but she put on a brave face for me. The paramedics hooked me up to a drip of some sort. It’s still attached to me now with a little bit of sticking plaster. And someone was telling us how long it would take to arrive at the hospital. Longest minutes of my life.

“You’re awake,” Ash says from beside me. She gets up and comes closer so that I can see her face. She smiles as she strokes the side of my hand though it’s clear she’s been crying. “I don’t know what I would have done.”

I frown at her. My memory is cloudy at best. Perhaps from whatever they’re pumping through the drip. But I still remember searching for her. Finding her at Mayhem. That guy she was with. These things stick out like 3D images. My heart still hurts in a way that isn’t just physical. “Thought you wouldn’t be here.”

“I couldn’t leave you,” she says, as though it’s the most logical thing in the world, and God, do I want to believe in her. But I just can’t anymore. “I wouldn’t leave you, Sam.”

“You don’t need to be here because I had a…” The cardiac monitor attached to my bare chest beeps erratically. “It was a heart attack, wasn’t it?”

“They’re doing some tests,” she whispers. “We don’t know anything yet.”

“You don’t need to stay for those,” I croak. “You don’t need to be here.”

“I’m not leaving you.” She walks around the bed to pour a glass of water from the jug. “Do you want something to drink?”

“No.” I’m exhausted. I sink into the pillows. “You did that thing you do, didn’t you? You took off.”

“It’s more complicated than that.” The glass thuds on the tray.

“Is it?”

“I wasn’t leaving you.” She comes closer. “I wasn’t running.”

My chest is unbearably tight, and I don’t know if that’s because of my heart or her. The beeping speeds up. Does it have to be so loud? “I told you we were done, didn’t I? Before…”

“You didn’t mean it,” she says, her hands touching my chest as she neatens the cover over me. “You don’t mean it. But you need to rest now. We can talk about this later.”

“I meant it.” I glance at the window. Can’t look at her right now. Can’t be drawn in by her again. “You went too far, Ash. You went all the way to another man. You told me you were with me and you threw it away, just like that.”

“That’s not what happened at all,” she whispers. “I need to explain.”

The door opens and someone bustles into the room. A woman with a gentle voice. She approaches the bed and starts checking the leads attached to me. “How are we doing in here?”

“Is he going to be okay?” Ash asks, a tremor in her voice.

“He’s improving,” the nurse replies. “But he needs to rest. If you’re going to stay you’ll need to be quiet.”

“She should leave,” I tell them.

“I’m not leaving you,” Ash says.

The nurse finishes what she’s doing and goes to speak with Ash near the door. “He’s going to be just fine, but he does need to rest. It would probably be best for both of you if you went home and had a rest yourself. Also you could pack him a bag. We’re going to keep him for a few days, so he’ll need toiletries and essentials.”

“Okay,” Ash says. “But only to pack him a bag. Then I’m coming back. I have to be here.”

“You don’t,” I say. And I don’t want her to. Giving up on her is like letting a piece of me die. Her presence only makes it worse. “Is Summer here?”

“Just outside,” Ash says.

“Can you tell her to come in on your way out?”

“I’ll tell her.” The door opens, and one set of footsteps leave before Ash speaks again, “But I am coming back, Sam. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t,” I say. “Don’t do that. Don’t stick around. I don’t want to see you anymore. I don’t want to pick up your pieces anymore.”

“Yell at me later, Sam. Tell me to leave when you have your strength back. Until then I’m not going anywhere.”

As she walks out Summer slams into the room. “You scared the shit out of us. Do you know that? You can’t just go and have a heart attack like that. Not after dad…” She starts sobbing as she throws herself at me as gently as she can manage. “And poor Ash had to see it firsthand. How could you do that to her?”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” I say into her hair. But Ash is. She’s gone already. And even though she said she isn’t leaving, only a fool would believe that. I may never see her again. How is my heart supposed to recover from that? “I’m not going anywhere, Sum.”

“You better not,” she whispers back.